Help, I have unsupportive parents!

Parents Forum
1

<p>Hi everyone,
I'm not sure where a thread like this belongs so I'll put it here and hope for the best.
Well as the title says I don't exactly have very supportive parents when it comes to college which isn't to far off for me as I will become a senior this coming school year. Because of this I have done my fair share of research and have come up with my list of about 12 colleges I'd like to attend.This took longer than I thought since my parents said they cared about my college education but even when I asked them they would never find the time to sit down with me and discuss college in anyway shape or form (except about cost which I discussed with them and I picked two finacial safety schools because of this discussion)
So all in all today I finished my list of possible colleges today and showed them to my parents since they said we might go visit some in the last two weeks of of July but what was their response? I show them my list of twelve colleges that took me a good deal of time to come up with and what do they do? They shoot down more than half the colleges!!! They claim that some of the colleges are just too far from home such as Occidental but before they said that they asked me how I would pay for the little things out in California?
My response "Well I'll get try and get a job"
At which point they laugh at me for no reason and begin listing off reasons they don't want me to go there which don't make any sense and how I literally have to stay within the Great Lakes region (Live in Northern Illinois) for college.
They say I haven't talked to them about it enough and then they start saying how I am ungrateful because they are so very supportive and just bastions of knowledge when it come to college.
I am a first generation student so they have no experience with college but I understood that and gave them books to read or even hell just to skim through so they know what's going on and they have yet to touch the book....</p>

<p>I'll stop now before I start ranting but long story short my parents have not helped me in anyway in looking for colleges but I find that as ok but after my work on finding colleges (even to cater to them) they say they don't like my choices for reasons they don't understand and act like they know the college system inside out but have no experience with it or made even an ounce of effort to understand all the while saying how supportive they are and how I should be thankful!!!
What should I do? They are really starting to get on my nerves and sorry for the long thread</p>

2

<p>Also, sorry for the many spelling errors. I typed this angrily and in my iTouch so please don’t eat me alive because of my grammar mistakes. ^_^</p>

3

<p>I’m sorry to hear that. I can’t give you any advice from experience, but I can tell you some things that I’ve heard friends in similar situations try.</p>

<p>-Talk to your guidance counselor. Explain what your passions are and how these colleges will help, and maybe see if you can set up a family appointment. Parents can be more willing to professional adults.</p>

<p>-Try explaining exactly what you want in a college to your parents, and if they object, ask them specifically why they don’t like that college. Be very open.</p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

4

<p>Thanks for the counselor advice, I never would have thought to get my school counselor involved. It just might work! :slight_smile:
As for the other advice given I have tried that but my parents are very closed minded and they treat me like a little kid. Although some may say that I am a kid (17) they don’t treat me like a kid who is about to turn into an adult and go out into the world. I’m a 14 year old in their eyes in all seriousness…</p>

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<p>I moved this from College Search and Selection forum to Parents Forum because I think the parents here may be able offer advice about your concerns.</p>

6

<p>Thank You DoveofPeace
Have a great day =]</p>

7

<p>Your parents seem to want you to go to college - but at the same time they want to maintain their role as parents. Since they didn’t go to college they can’t approach this discussion by giving you their personal experiences, and they may feel that their position as authority figures in your life is being undermined by this whole process. </p>

<p>Many years ago I was a first generation college student and looking back I can see some of the conversations with my parents had their roots in parental insecurity (unfounded as those emotions might be, my mother in particular had many insecurities and they came out in unconstructive ways). </p>

<p>I think it is in your best interest to construct your college list with financial safety in mind, unless you know that your parents are very well off they may be over estimating their ability to pay. Think of your undergraduate education as the next step; your post demonstrates your ambition and work ethic - you will have graduate school to pay for and your independence will come in many incremental steps. Whether your college is 1000 or 100 miles away you will still be away at college (a wonderful first step toward adulthood). It may be that a school far away becomes the most affordable, or it may be the school close by, but if you look at the question with affordability as the first consideration (because a lot of what your parents have said revolves around this) and enlist the help of your guidance counselor you are more likely to come up with a list of choices that you can afford when the acceptance/FA letters roll in.</p>

8

<p>maybe you can list the 12 schools you want to get in and the schools that your parents object to. from there we can have some idea what youre parents are thinking.</p>

<p>basically, if you are good, you can get straight a’s in CC and be transfered into a flag state school and be successful. that will be least costly.</p>

9

<p>

You can tell them the same way you’d pay for them regardless of where you went to college - the ‘little things’ cost pretty much the same everywhere.</p>

<p>

Do they say why they define it as ‘too far’? There are a few possibilities - they’re concerned at the physical distance and how long it would take to rush to your aid should you get a cold (being cynical here - and of course, they won’t need to be that close), they’re concerned about the cost of you flying back and forth as well as them when they visit you - there’s a real cost to this and it may well be a viable concern of theirs, they’ll miss you too much if they can’t see you more frequently. There’s a good chance it’s the latter. Have you discussed this point with them? Do they envision you being a commuter student or seeing you every weekend? Since you’re a first gen they might not realize or want to admit that you’ll be gone from them for extended timeframes (unless you commute to a local college).</p>

<p>Have you discussed finances with them? Do you have a good idea of what they’re willing and able to pay for your college (what ‘they’ say the will pay - not what you think they should pay)? Have you investigated expected finAid to get an idea of the actual costs of the particular colleges and do your parents understand that process and the facts around it - i.e. that the sticker price isn’t always what people pay? This alone may eliminate some of your choices.</p>

<p>Since your parents didn’t attend college they may be bewildered by the whole process. I think you need to keep trying to educate them, get them to attend info sessions at your HS, go to a college fair, have ‘them’ together with you go discuss all of this with your HS counselor.</p>

<p>You said they listed off the reasons why they don’t want you to go further away to college and that they don’t make any sense. If theyre not personal, what are they? Maybe you can get some perspectives from CC people on them if you say what they are.</p>

10

<p>When your parents asked how you would pay for incidentals in California and laughed at your answer, I think you failed to read between the lines. Your parents likely already know there isn’t enough money to stretch and even a parttime job will not fill in all the gaps. Plus, CA is remote for you - added airfare or car travel can literally add a few thousand a year to the college costs. Not to mention that CA living is expensive. Quite literally a kid can rent an apartment in a small midwestern town for $200 or less for their share - but in CA may very well be $400+. It just costs a LOT more to handle college in CA - and you are likely being naive of the costs AND naive about how much your parents can or are willing to pay.</p>

<p>You have started your college search in the wrong order!</p>

<p>Step 1. Make sure your parents are on board for filling out the FAFSA and if needed the CSS. Without their cooperation, you will get zilch in student loans and other grants. Make sure they realize they will have to have their 2010 taxes filed likely in early January 2011. Sure, they can fill it out with “estimates” but that does lead to a lot of delays and “estimated” awards which can be very distressing if once the real taxes are filed and the student finds out the award numbers have shifted. Not to mention it requires that extra step of making sure the parents go back to update the FAFSA (one MUST put in finalized numbers or have awards cancelled).</p>

<p>Step 2. Find out your gestimated EFC <em>today</em>. If it is low (let’s say under 4K) then at generous financial aid schools the package should be okay. If it is high (let’s say over 6 or 8K… heaven forbid over 10K) then you MUST MUST MUST be certain your parents are going to be kicking serious cash each year. So - what kind of EFC household do you have? And are your parents going to help with that EFC (which usually is paid VIA CASH since student loans/grants often don’t cover that cash EFC number very well).</p>

<p>Step 3. Based on all those numbers and understanding your parent’s income and your EFC and your parent’s willingness to pay CASH (outside of the loans you will also be taking) then you can make a list of colleges based on what you likely can afford. </p>

<p>Step 4. Take into account your GPA and SATs - are you going to be woo’d financially at your colleges of choice? Or are you basically in the middle of the pack? Your list of schools should be more than “Wow, I like Oxidental’s programs.” You need to get admitted, but MORE importantly, you need a financial aid package you and your parents can actually afford.</p>

<p>While it might be really infuriating to focus your search to the midwest, the reality is that YOU can not afford to pay all your college costs on your own. This is an adventure that requires cooperation and compromises on both sides. You can always forge out on your own - but you will need your parents to fill out the FAFSA until you are 24 so you are better off cooperating and maximizing their contribution. There are likely dozens of good fits (not necessarily your “dream” college - but dream colleges are really not a good goal because for 99% of kids for one reason or another are just not feasible) in your tri-state area. Readjust and work with your parents. They are probably not as dumb as you think - and their blind spots will require patience and maturity on your part to get them more on board with those reasonable compromises.</p>

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<p>It sounds to me as if you might need to do everything for yourself (with help from books, cc advice, and guidance counselors-but possibly not your parents). It may be that your parents are overwhelmed or feel helpless in the process. Though we hope that all parents want the best for their kids, some are resentful, jealous, or just plain bewildered. You may need to find a way to do this process without their help. Let them know whatever they ask to know…but sometimes you just have to take care of things yourself, if your parents are unwilling or unable.</p>

<p>My parents were highly educated, but they did not help me for one second with college applications or choices. They paid for the first quarter of community college, and that’s it. Kids generally used to do applications themselves (though there was alot less required). My parents still think I’m an idiot, though I am even more educated and probably have a higher IQ than them…and have managed to fly jet aircraft for 26 years without their help. Unfortunately, sometimes parents are never willing to stop thinking of you as a child. Just realize it is their problem, not yours. And you may have to be the one to act like the adult in this matter.</p>

<p>That is excellent advice that Annika gave you.</p>

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<p>I too was the only one in my family to go to college. I had to do everything on my own & then present the cost of each to my father. Of course way back then it wasn’t nearly the financial hardship it is now. Like others have recommended, you’re going to have to do all of the “cost” legwork on your own & then present it to them.</p>

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<p>This sounds like a two way street to me. There’s more than a hint of entitlement in the OP and maybe the parents are reacting to that.</p>

<ol>
<li> If your parents are going to be paying any bills, they have a say in this.</li>
<li> If you live in in northern Illinois, you have dozens of fantastic choices within four-six hours of your home.</li>
<li> Maybe your parents think that California isn’t the best place to be going right now with the economic issues that state is facing (not that things are great in the Chicago area.)</li>
<li> Maybe your parents are thinking that spending thousands of dollars on college visits is a waste of money. Seriously, what will it cost your parents in lost work time, airline fares, hotel rooms, and meals on the road to visit somewhere like Occidental?</li>
<li> Just because your parents did not attend college doesn’t mean they have no knowledge on the subject.</li>
</ol>

<p>At its core, this may be a money conversation so the first thing I suggest is sitting down respectfully with your parents and listening to their concerns first.</p>

14

<p>It seems as if the root of your parents’ behavior might be financial, as others have said, and also a fear of you being too far away and out of range. If you are the first generation to go to college, they may not be as used to the idea of going to a school thousands of miles away, whereas some affluent kids are practically globe-trotters, with no hesitation from parents at all, on the money or comfort fronts.</p>

<p>I want to make sure to say to you that private colleges can often be more affordable than public ones, depending on their financial aid policies, your family income (for need-based aid), and in some cases, your academics and extracurriculars (for merit aid). So by all means, apply to schools that interest you and see what they offer you. There can be some nice surprises.</p>

<p>Twelve schools may overwhelm your parents. Applying to that many is expensive. Are they all common application schools? Be aware that applying to 12 is a lot of work. I know that it is now common for kids to apply to a lot of schools, but I have encouraged my kids to get it down to 4-6, which has worked out great. They also do actual visits before applying, which can be a big effort for 6, let alone 12. Some schools really like you to visit, to demonstrate your serious interest.</p>

<p>Finally, there are some wonderful schools in the Midwest. You have not told us much about yourself, so I don’t know if any of these schools are a fit, but: Oberlin, Kenyon, Macalaster, Carleton, U. of Chicago, Lawrence, all come to mind. There are others. Even upstate NY could work: Hobart William Smith, Ithaca, U. of Rochester, Syracuse…</p>

<p>I really have not wanted my kids to go across the country, but they have some health issues that make me feel less comfortable. I did not say this to them, however, and let them decide. We still visited some far away schools, and I tried to stay neutral or even enthusiastic.</p>

<p>Nevertheless, college is a big transition and for some a big move is too much, for others it is a great thing. Only you know what is good for you. Some students want to get far away as a sort of overcompensating for feelings of dependence. In other words, they think that going far away will magically make them independent, when that is not always true, and sometimes that creates problems.</p>

<p>I have watched my own son and daughters accomplish this breaking away in a more gradual way, as they go to college under 2 hours away, but slowly come home less and less. My oldest now works across the country and I almost never seem him, but Freshman year, he still needed a lot of support.</p>

<p>Talking with a guidance counselor is a good idea, if you have a good one in your school. </p>

<p>I think you sound like a great kid and I’ll bet that if you take a minute and put yourself in your parents’ shoes, and if they are able to put themselves in yours (with your help), you can have some better communication. Be aware that this time of transition is difficult in almost all households!</p>

<p>Just some thoughts…good luck!</p>

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<p>speihei said everything I was going to.</p>

<p>You do have great choices in Northern Illinois. If you live in the dorm, it doesn’t matter how far you are…you’re still away from home. And if finances dictate you need to live at home for some or all of your college career, you can still spend 2/3 of each 24 hour day on campus, in class, ECs, study groups, and so forth to get the full college experience.</p>

<p>Have the $$ talk with your parents and then make some good choices as to where to apply.</p>

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<p>You’re saying, “There’s this great school in California I want to go to.”</p>

<p>They’re hearing, “Our child is going as far away from home as possible.”</p>

<p>Maybe if you involve them more in the decision making process they will begin to see your perspective more clearly. Help them see why you put those schools on your list; that it’s not that you’re trying to fly away and leave them behind.</p>

<p>The advice about dealing with the financial angle up front is good.</p>

17

<p>I recommend you read these posts very carefully and contemplate them because you’ve received some excellent advice. I have only two small things to add. Being a first generation student may help you with admission and financial aid. When you get further in the process you might want to talk to the financial aid departments at the colleges you apply to. Second, remember that letting go is a process for parents. It’s not something that happens overnight. Chances are your parents feelings now, at the beginning of your senior, year will change as they get used to the idea of you leaving home and as they see your maturity, growth and readiness to leave.</p>

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<p>Wow I would just want to thank everyone who has given me advice on this matter and I just want to quickly respond to some posts (haven’t throughly read all posts yet) </p>

<p>In regards to finances that is the one “type” of discussion I really naged them about haveing and eventually did after a long while. I told them the little information that I knew and informed them a little about the FAFSA and how there is finacial aid out there to be had (they thought sticker price was final price) and I even convinced them to fill out an EFC. My family’s EFC was around 35k but they said they’d be more comfortable around 30k max so I included that into my search of colleges.
In regards to distance I do understand that they don’t want their little boy going so far away but the only reason I got frustrated with my parents was that I would ask them to “get a little more involved” with my college selection and they would show little to no interest in doing so. I did ask them if there was a limit to the distance from home I could be and they said just keep in the US (this was said informally by my father while he was watching tv with my mom).
The big thing was that they didn’t want to get involved with the search process at all then suddenly chisel my school list down after all the work I put into it but oh well, in the end maybe CC is best which is what my father suggests.</p>

<p>Just to give a little info on my self I am about an average student, nothing really special
3.4 GPA
29 ACT (retaking)
Will take the SAT
Will have done 7 AP exams by end of senior year
List of possible colleges:
-Pacific University
-Fairfield University
-Monmouth College
-Clark University
-Carthage College
-Occidental College
-Rollins College
-Ohio Wesleyan
-Augustana College
-Providence College
-New College of Florida</p>

<p>These are my prospective colleges, cut a little since last night. Thanks again to those that responded and I’ll be busy reading through all the previous posts in depth for a while so again thank you all! ^_^</p>

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<p>“What should I do?”
-listen to the party that will be funding your college. If it is your parents, then listen to them. If you have good chance at being self-funded (Merit scholarships??) , then you have stronger stand.<br>
In regard to getting job, any job or for that matter even unpaid or volunteering position, you will need very good luck in this economy, it is near to impossible. Some volunteering positions in our area have waiting lists of over 100 people. but anyway, no job at this point of your life will pay for your college. So, the only “job” that you could rely is your exceptional stats that might win you Merit scholarships. Then you choices are limited to places that are known for good Merit packages. My D. did not apply to schools where she did not have chance of getting Merit $$. She ended up getting them at every school that she applied. We have never had money talk, was not needed.</p>

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<p>BabyRudy, you sound like a great student with those stats! It is just that for very competitive scholarships those numbers are not going to bring them in.</p>

<p>Your list of colleges sound far flung and random. I know as a parent with two kids already in college I would be scratching my head at that list - wildly random different states (OR, CONN, RI, MASS, WI, FL) and every one of them with a high private school sticker price or equivalent. With your mid-level stats and a family EFC of 35K (but only wanting to pay 30K max) I think more affordable colleges need to be researched.</p>

<p>Put another way, it is quite likely that your family will be paying that full sticker price because in theory based on the EFC your family can “afford” it. Let’s say full COA at a school is 50K … you would likely be offered about 5K in Stafford, your parents offered maybe 9K in ParentPlus - and then the remainder (39K) required in CASH. Remember, EFC is what colleges imagine you will pay via cash and they often do not offer enough other aid (loans, grants, scholarships) to quite meet EFC.</p>

<p>Again, plane tickets to and from CA and other remote state will add up over time.</p>

<p>By all means, apply to several of these expensive schools and see if you can nab a scholarship or a better-than-expected financial aid package. But seeing your list of mostly far-away-privates and your parent’s $$ CAP of 30K, I think you still haven’t done your due diligence on your list.</p>

<p>What are your local state universities and how do they stack up financially (perhaps as safeties?). How about tri-state privates that are a little less competitive that might offer you better scholarships? These are the schools that I would (in this situation that has been outlined) want to see added to your list and a few of the others taken off.</p>

<p>Who is paying for all the app fees? Campus visits to the far flung campuses? It is one thing to put PU or Fairfield on your list, but to assume the college is a “fit” and to have never even visited the city/state or walked the campus before accepting admissions means you are letting your choices be dictated by a lot of intangibles.</p>

<p>Note also because your family has an EFC of 35K and your stats are respectable and in line for many of the colleges on your lists, you will likely get a lot of acceptances - because the colleges can expect you to pay full sticker price (EFC cash plus loans <em>you</em> and your parents take out). That is extra attractive in today’s economic climate. But, again, it means that your list does not likely have financial <em>matches</em>.</p>

<p>When your parents said 30K a year, did that include 5 - 9K in their own ParentPLUS loans? Because that is a very likely scenario: 35K plus the 9K parent loans. Which actually means 44K output each year.</p>

<p>I hope your FA packages are not quite so rough, OR that your EFC has been calculated too high. But if not, you and your parents need to be prepared!</p>