<p>katliamom, everyone who has been in academia long enough knows someone, or several someones, who met when one was a student and one was a professor. However, it is obvious (to me, anyway) from the details here that this situation is different. First, and foremost, they are dating while she is still in his class, and that is why it is (probably) a violation of policy. Second, since he makes a habit of meeting undergraduates for happy hour, he clearly makes a habit of ■■■■■■■■ for potential easy marks. To top it off, he regularly asks personal questions of his students. This is not normal behavior for a college instructor vis-a-vis students, and it is not the behavior pattern of people who are destined for a long-term relationship.</p>
<p>If the mom is concerned about estrangement from her daughter, then she should wait until it is over (and it will be, soon) and then report the guy. Failure to do so means he will continue to abuse his position, and another mom will be dealing with this.</p>
<p>needadvice, I forgot to say I’m sorry you have to deal with this. I wouldn’t be taking it lightly either.</p>
<p>danceclass- Some may consider this as overreacting. This is more than flirting. She’s spending the night with him at his house and he’s telling her that he loves her. I read it on a text message.</p>
<p>Yes, I do think the school will protect your D from reprisals in any way from the prof. </p>
<p>Let me be clear: let her know first you are laying down the law and you are doing it because you love her. Try very hard to get her to see your side of this issue. If she gets mad and/or stubborn let her know what you will do and why. </p>
<p>She will then get madder. That is OK. </p>
<p>Regardless of how mad she gets let her know you are going to do what you know is right. Young folks think they are invincible and smarter than their parents. Well, sister, I got news for you us older folks have been down all these roads before. There is wisdom in experience and life scars. Trust me, grasshopper. </p>
<p>Reason with her. If she yells tell her you aren’t going to back down. Yell right back. That’s the way ACCecil does it. I won’t be out yelled. I will do what I think is right. I ain’t your BFF I am your parent. </p>
<p>Well, not yours. </p>
<p>Again, let her know she is being used and you love her and try to get her to see it your way. Tell H second. Again, warn her that will happen. Then you are H call the dean. Have your facts straight first. Let the dean know in no uncertain terms that you will sue the school back to the dark ages if they prof even looks at your D again. </p>
<p>The notion that you should tell her what to do and then back off is like letting the wolf back into the hen house and hopping they figure out what to do by themselves. Geez, you might as well just make dinner and hotel reservations for them.</p>
<p>I would meet this guy, have a face to face, eye to eye discussion, and I would tell him that he had a choice, 1) leave my daughter alone, 2) I would report him and make sure he couldn’t get another job again, I would follow him until there was no place for him to go, except at a homeless shelter. If he ever told my daughter we had the conversation, I would do step 2.</p>
<p>If he truly loved my daughter, he would stay with her no matter what (including my threat), and I would stay out. As I wouldn’t approve of the relationship, I would see no reason to continue to fund her education as long as he stayed in her life. If the love is so powerful, let him support her.</p>
<p>midmo, One of my roommates did meet her professor husband when she was 19 and he was 30. They are still together with a son and grandchild many years later. I remember feeling it seemed kind of creepy at the time when we were undergrads. She was doing work study type stuff for him. Not sure where the line is drawn with some of this stuff. Roommate went on to get a PH.d herself.</p>
<p>I teach at a college and this is considered sexual harassment. However, it mostly comes to light when the advances are unwanted and the complaint is lodged by the student. It’s trickier when it’s your daughter and she’s a willing participant, not that the school would blame your daughter, but your daughter may blame you if you’re the one to blow the whistle. There are 3 more weeks of school and then he’s leaving. I would have that very frank discussion with her and then see what happens. Sometimes it’s hardest to do nothing, but in this case it may be the best course for the time being.</p>
<p>It’s a breach of professional ethics and most likely of university policy for a professor to have a personal relationship with a student while that person is actually one’s student or could be in the future. The school administration will want to know about this and will want this instructor gone. Do not meet the instructor. Report him to the Affirmative Action officer and the university counsel. Your daughter will have to be willing to make a statement, but she’ll be protected from reprisal. The other kids won’t know the reason for his termination unless your daughter says something. Deans, chairs etc. would not want this kind of person on their faculty rosters.</p>
<p>I’m sensitive to the fact that the daughter here is 19 years old, and a college student, not a kid still living at home and going to high school. I happen to like my daughter’s boyfriend (they are the same age, and he is not someone in a position of power over her!), but I don’t fantasize that I have veto power over her love life. However, this adjunct instructor (I suspect the word ‘professor’ does not appear in his title) is a creep; he is bad for the students, he is bad for the institution, and he is bad for the profession.</p>
<p>It isn’t like there is a shortage of potential freshman English instructors out there.</p>
<p>I think my daughter almost got involved with one of her TA’s last year, but did not, in the end, because of a long distance boyfriend.</p>
<p>She really thought he was adorable and cute and she went for office hours not in her sweat pants. She told me she had a crush on him and could tell he had a crush back. I think if she hadn’t already had a commitment, she would have dated him. </p>
<p>Of course, he was 23 and she was 19, and he is currently seeing a freind of hers and has been for 8 or so months, so D and he have become very good friends. But, a 23 year old grad student is not the same as a 34 year old adjunct. </p>
<p>I’m glad your daughter’s current term is coming to a close. Keep the pint of ice cream handy, along with some good comic movies, for when she is sobbing on the couch. I sometime think it’s harder on us than it is on them.</p>
<p>First, I would encourage your daughter to set up a face to face for you to meet with this professor. I believe he’ll find a reason to no-show. This will give your daughter a clue that something is not as it seems, but, don’t expect her to see through the fog just yet…</p>
<p>Second, your daughter is making this mistake. I would advise you to express your concern but not make any threats.</p>
<p>Third, I do believe you have an obligation to the school and community to report this behavior. Your daughter is likely not his first, nor will she be his last, classroom relationship. If you fail to report this, other young women may get hurt as well. Keep the phone logs as evidence and write a letter to the dean. As to the timing, I’d suggest that you wait until said professor is traveling in Europe. </p>
<p>Yes, I checked the phone logs after she told me about him and I noticed that she was texting non-stop. I felt like I had to get to the bottom of it. Should I have looked thru her phone, probably not but I did it to see if I could find out how involved she was with this guy. Boy did I find more than I ever expected. I have never had the need to snoop on her when she was in high school. She was always open and honest. Yes, I may have listened outside her bedroom door when she was on the phone but what parent hasn’t?</p>
<p>This is an abuse of power. But these are two adults, IMO your daughter will simply have to learn this lesson on her own. You may be in luck, as he is going to Europe for the summer, and they might break up over the distance. Or not. I would stay out of it. You’ve already had the huge argument, so there’s not much more you need to say to your D. She knows how you feel. You don’t need to alienate your daughter over this. Don’t push her towards him by continuing to voice your disapproval. You might make a final statement like, “I hope I’m wrong, but most of these teacher-student relationships don’t last, many of these guys just keep replacing the girlfriend with next semester’s fresh co-ed. So be very careful, sweetheart.” And that’s it.</p>
<p>Also, one lesson you do not want your daughter to learn is: If I tell mom stuff about who I’m dating, she’ll interfere and screw it up for me. So from now I will never share personal feelings and events with my mom.</p>
<p>I would definitely tell H. I assume you don’t keep secrets from him. Then let your D learn whatever lessons come up. BTW, SopranoDad92 agrees. And we have a 19 yr old freshman daughter.</p>
<p>Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t like it either. But, unfortunately, it’s not really your business.</p>
<p>Because he is having sleepovers with her while she is a student in his class, this is an abuse of power. They are not two equal adults in a relationship. They are a superior and a subordinate in a relationship. This is inappropriate. Even if her relationship with him ends this summer (and I think it will) he will be at it with three young women at the three schools where he teaches in the fall. I really want to stop him somehow.</p>
<p>what is it with some of these creepy english professors??? i had a crazy one in undergrad…always asking me to go to “poetry readings”. i wasn’t attracted to him though, and found it fairly easy to blow him off, so he was more of an annoyance than anything else (esp. during office hours). but this situation is different.</p>
<p>have a son so i don’t have to deal with this kind of stuff (i don’t think!), but if i had a daughter and this was happening, i think i’d make an anonymous phone call to the english department and ask how they would handle this situation. then take it from there…</p>
<p>I would give her an ultimatum…either end it with him or I will be contacting the school and he will be fired…it could backfire on you, but I as a mom, could not sit back and let this continue. </p>
<p>I also have an only child daughter that I am very close to and it would kill me if this were going on…sometimes we have to do things that we know are in our child’s best interest…like it or not…he is a creep!! I would also tell your husband. I know if I kept something like this from my husband, he would be very hurt and upset. This is not something that you should have to handle alone.</p>