I hate myself right now, every senior I know is so happy to be graduating in June and are happy to be back at UCSD and I am just crying in my room as I type this. I don’t really get what’s wrong with me.
Rewind back to my days at community college living at home my whole life, all I wanted was to spread my wings and go adventure on my own. I played water polo on the community college team, I had lots of friends and resources, those were the days. To this day I get all sad when I drive by my community college because I wish I was still there instead of where I transferred to which was UCSD. I dreamt of getting into a school far from home so I could be independent and free from rules from my parents. I was so sure that UCSD was the fit for me.
Boy was I wrong, for some reason as a transfer, I had an awesome fall quarter last year. I don’t know if it was the excitement of a new environment or the partying, but I was happy. Then, some horrible things happened to me with my roommates, I expected the societal idealized notion of room mates becoming your best friends and we basically became too close too fast. From there they bullied me, verbally and mentally messed with me to the point where I was scared of being in my dorm. I constantly struggled winter and spring quarter of last year with not only my room mate drama but with homesickness. Everything I saw that reminded me of my cats or my family I would burst out in tears, one time it was so bad that I did this on the school shuttle.
Facetiming just made me cry the minute I saw my family and pets. Someway somehow however, I would push past it. There is no way i’m transferring out of this prestigious school because of how I’m feeling is what I constantly told myself. “I’ve made it this far I can keep going” is another phrase I continually said to myself. This summer I talked to my doctor about all this and she said I have anxiety and specifically seperation anxiety as I would physically get ill after leaving home.
This year I thought everything would get better. I’m rooming with 3 girls that are not bullying me in any way shape or form. I would not say we are best friends but we are friendly room mates that get along well with each other. So for me the anxiety with room mate drama is gone, but why do I dread coming back to San Diego so much? Fall quarter, the minute I hug my parents goodbye in the airport I lose it. Winter quarter same thing happens…once I get into my club sport and my boxing classes and school however after a few weeks I feel slightly more normalized. Well fast forward to now, my spring and final quarter at UCSD, I am a mess yet again like the beginning of all the other quarters I’ve spent at UCSD.
I just flew in today and I was trying so hard to hold back my tears at school. My mom came by the last week of winter break because I missed her and now that I’m back in my off campus apartment everything in this apartment just brings me back to my happy place when my mom was here and I was ready to go home for spring break. Now that it’s all over and my mom isn’t here, it feels like I’m being sucked into a depression dark hole. I’m so sad, and I mean soooo sad. My head hurts because I’ve been crying so much. I don’t like to take my anxiety pills because all they do is make me feel like i’m some kind of lunatic who is too attached to her family.
I tried counseling but the lady just said the most useless things that did not help me whatsoever. Hopefully once my club sport starts up again and I start boxing I can feel a little more like myself but I am so tired of this regardless. I wish I was normal so many people I see look so happy with lots of friends. By the way, I have classmate friends but no true, best friends that I can confide with like I do back home. I only have 3 months to deal with this but I wish I was strong and normal. I should be happy for god’s sakes!
I’m graduating in June with a 3.6 GPA! Instead I’m sitting here crying and wanting to fly back home. I want to enjoy my last quarter at UCSD and not constantly cry looking at my calendar wishing the time would pass by quicker. I want to be able to be happy and not be all sad and teary eyed as I walk to and from my classes. PLEASE HELP, any advice would greatly be appreciated I’m really scared I’m falling into depression because I’m already starting to feel myself going there and it sucks.