Help! Is it fair to break up over this? I need to decide.

Student Lounge College Life
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<p>I'm kind of in a crisis and I don't know what I should do. Here's the situation: My girlfriend from college is currently far away from me, and for certain reasons (which I will not get into), I will not see her again for a year. I waited three months so far, completely faithful, and honestly I am willing to wait much longer (same for her). The issue isn't the distance or the time though.</p>

<p>The issue is that recently during a phone call with her, it came up that if her parents were to manipulate (with threats, etc.) her to break up (as mine are doing to me), she wouldn't be able to take it and would give in, and never see me again (although against her will).</p>

<p>I am willing to invest and devote anything it takes for her (I'm capable of full financial support as well, if that matters). Call me silly, but I believe in true love. However, if she cannot promise to some day see me again even if her parents twist her arm, I honestly don't feel like it's fair to either of us to continue a "russian-roulette" relationship.</p>

<p>But at the same time we love each other so much, just my considering this pains me greatly. So please, girls, guys, anyone, give me your advise (or suggest a better forum for this).</p>

<p>If she ever wants to break up, I will respect that 100%, but I want it to be of her own free will, and nobody else. If she cannot promise to ensure this, is it unfair of me to break up with her because of it (after warning her, giving her time to think, and she still admits the possibility)?</p>

<p>Or, what else would you suggest I do?</p>

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<p>She doesn’t want to be alienated from her family, who she probably misses living with, and has been used to seeking the approval of. My advice is that if you love her, and she loves you, don’t worry about it. Don’t let an abstract hypothetical ruin a good relationship.</p>

3

<p>I think it’s unfair. A lot of people depend on their parents for at least some form of financial support during their college and early post-college years. Your girlfriend may have dreams or plans that would depend on that support, and honestly some people value family and their opinions THAT much.</p>

4

<p>NotBlue - Very well; I’ll call you silly. Long distance relationships do not work (Leykis et. al.); for all you know, this chick is out boinking someone on the side when you are at home on Friday nights twiddling your thumbs.</p>

<p>If it were me, I would say ‘this long distance thing is not working out, but I still dig ya. I’ll look you up when I’m in town and we can annoy your daddy, OK?’ or something along those lines.</p>

<p>(seriously, ‘****’ as in ‘urinate’ is astrisked? what the heck?)</p>

5

<p>Don’t pressure her. You said that you won’t be seeing her for a year. You said that her parents may be trying to convince her to end the relationship. </p>

<p>According to you:</p>

<p>“The issue is that recently during a phone call with her, it came up that if her parents were to manipulate (with threats, etc.) her to break up (as mine are doing to me), she wouldn’t be able to take it and would give in, and never see me again (although against her will).”</p>

<p>Here’s a different interpretation of the above statement. She cares about you, but doesn’t really know if she wants this to be a long term relationship. She’s questioning the relationship and wondering if she should move on and meet new people to date. She mentioned the bit about her parents wanting her to break up. By putting the blame on her parents for the impending breakup, she doesn’t hurt your feelings and she doesn’t have to feel guilt for her real reason for wanting to break up. </p>

<p>If I were you, I would have a heart to heart talk with her and bring up the idea of cooling the relationship. If the two of you get together again after a year apart, then maybe it is meant to be. In reality, chances are slim that the two of you will maintain a strong relationship over the next year.</p>

<p>There is always that moment in a relationship when it’s time to end it or to move into a more serious phase. This may be that moment. It’s a turning point in the relationship. Sometimes, there really isn’t a bad guy in a breakup. Sometimes it’s just that a relationship has run it course and it’s time to move on.</p>

<p>—Take this info with a grain of salt. We don’t know you. We don’t know your girlfriend.
We don’t know the situation. We’re just giving you different perspectives on the situation.
One thing you should do is to have that heart to heart talk with her. Find out where each of you stands on the relationship. Be cordial, understanding, and really listen to one another. If the relationship continues—great. If it’s a mutual decision to break off the relationship, the two of you can move on with your lives. This doesn’t mean that there has to be hard feelings between the two of you. Cherish what you had and respect each other in the future.</p>

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<p>Thanks for all the helpful suggestions so far. I think what I’m going to do is let it go, like BillyMc said, it’s not worth being oversensitive to a hypothetical situation. Certainly not in a long distance relationship that is otherwise going fine.</p>

<p>

Well actually she never mentioned that, and reassured me it was extremely unlikely (the conversation started because it was my family that was pressuring). I was just a bit unsure how to feel about how she would treat the hypothetical situation, considering I’m devoting a lot so that my parents don’t influence me in a similar way.</p>

7

<p>I agree with you and would break up with her. I would not blame her for choosing her family over you if push came to shove, but if you’re willing to wait a year to see her there needs to be some kind of a real commitment there, and she is not at this point in life prepared to make that commitment. There’s nothing wrong with that, but you don’t want to be the guy on the other end of that.</p>

<p>ETA: I didn’t read until after I posted this that this hypothetical isn’t very likely. In that case, I might hang out for a little while and see what happens. But either way, she did basically tell you that she is not as committed to this relationship as you are. Whether that bothers you is up to you.</p>

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<p>Why do people ask whether or not a reason to break up is fair? Breaking up has nothing to do with fairness. If someone wants to break up, for whatever reason, it’s fair. If someone doesn’t want to be in a relationship, it’s moronic to try to logic them back into it.</p>

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<p>^excellent response.</p>

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<p>

Both sides in this case want to stay in the relationship, so it’s not that. I don’t want to break up, but I also really don’t like her being less committed than I am, especially considering I’m willing to wait for her. I guess I’m really just trying to decide how to handle this.</p>

11

<p>I don’t think she’s less committed. She probably just doesn’t want to go against her family. </p>

<p>I say, stay together. If she does eventually choose family over you then it wasn’t meant to be. I have also been in a long-distance relationship and I can tell you that it does work.</p>

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<p>you do realize that you’re essentially asking (demanding!) that she choose you (and your relationship) over her own family if the circumstance were to arise?</p>

<p>you do realize that it is absolutely ridiculous to expect a college freshman to turn her back on her family (those who raised her and took care of her financially and emotionally) for a relationship?</p>

13

<p>^You do realize that that’s exactly what he’s already doing, right? His family IS pressuring him to break up with her and he was willing to stay with her anyway.</p>

<p>It’s not like he’s saying she’s a bad person if that’s what she’d do, just that he’s not sure if he’s comfortable staying in the relationship, which is his prerogative. My fiance’s family is not completely in love with me, and yes, if he told me he would not stand by me I would not be waiting around for a year hoping nobody pressures him to break up with me while I waste my time waiting for nothing.</p>

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<p>^^I disagree. It’s his own prerogative to sacrifice what he wants for his relationship, and it’s been very kind of him to sacrifice his family’s approval for his girlfriend, but relationships shouldn’t be quid pro quo. </p>

<p>I understand if he wanted to end the relationship because of this issue, but I certainly don’t blame the girlfriend for choosing her family over her boyfriend. It’s unfair to expect her to.</p>

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<p>I don’t think we are actually disagreeing about anything. This is essentially exactly what I said: “I understand if he wanted to end the relationship because of this issue, but I certainly don’t blame the girlfriend for choosing her family over her boyfriend”</p>

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<p>Why do your parents think you should break up with her?</p>

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<p>Well thanks for all the suggestions. It was good advise, and everything is resolved now and we’re happy :). It was mostly a misunderstanding, mainly due to the “hypothetical” bringing things out of the frame of reality.</p>

<p>

Difference of opinion you might say: My parents are extreme racists (literally), while I am absolutely not. My girlfriend is asian, I am white.</p>

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<p>Not Blue,</p>

<p>Do her parents have a problem with your race as well?</p>

<p>I am currently in an interracial relationship. Luckily, both sides have been extremely accepting, but there will always be idiots who oppose to interracial relationships. Honestly, not to be rude, but your parents sound backwards. It is 2010, and Asian women/white men partnerships are the MOST common interracial relationships. Don’t pay them no attention.</p>

<p>If your girlfriend is willing to work things out and be together, then don’t worry about breaking up or anything. If you were meant to be together, you were meant to be together, regardless of the circumstances.</p>

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<p>

Actually, they have no problem with race at all, which is good.</p>

<p>

I don’t like disrespecting my parents, but honestly they’ve said things towards racial groups that infinitely exceed rudeness. So yes, they’re backwards in this respect.</p>