<p>Are people at the University of Chicago actually as ugly and unsociable as we think?
By Tucker Max</p>
<p>We should just admit the obvious. The student body at the University of Chicago is ugly. And its only getting worse--Im graduating in the spring.</p>
<p>Our motto should be The University of Chicago-The School That Beauty Forgot. Think of the possibilities. The admissions office could sell this school as the perfect place for every ugly nerd across the country. I can only imagine the new theme for the admissions viewbook-Are you the Ugly Duckling who never blossomed? Do small children clutch at their mothers legs in terror when you draw near? Do your friends make you wear a mask in order to hang out with them? Was your nickname The Hunchback of AP Calc? WE HAVE THE SCHOOL FOR YOU!! Come hang out with every other ugly nerd around the country!! You may be ugly, but so are we!!</p>
<p>I went to a boarding school in New Jersey, so I can speak from a position of authority on ugliness. I know it when I see it, and it is here. If I had a dollar for every time I heard the words Man, look how ugly that girl is, Id be driving a Bugatti.</p>
<p>I remember my first few days here. I was a wide-eyed freshman eager to explore every opportunity this University provided. After a cursory examination, I thought that the girls were not bad. I flipped through the picture book, and found a few girls that appeared attractive. But once I actually saw these girls in person, it was became painfully apparent that they had sent in the pictures that came with their Wal-Mart wallets.</p>
<p>The ladies were more disappointing than a CBS sitdom. On closer inspection, I realized that these seemingly attractive women were not good looking. Well, I dont know if not good looking is the proper description; perhaps gills and wooden teeth is more accurate. I knew that this wasnt going to be Arizona State, but I also thought that it would be better than a Plastic Surgery Disasters convention.</p>
<p>The phrase Beauty is in the eye of the beholder takes on a whole new meaning here--mainly a drunken one. Steeped in an inebriated stupor is about the only way I can find physical beauty in most of the people on this campus. This phenomenon is known by different names: Hyde Park Goggles, The U of C Haze, etc. A friend of mine goes to Rice, the U of C of the South, and he summed up this problem very well, The girls here are ugly. But I get drunk and hook up anyway. What can you do?</p>
<p>Of course there are other forms of beauty, but its hard to find them when you are reeling from the unique smell combination of Noxema and Designer Scents that seems to be so popular here. And no matter how awesome someones personality is, romance becomes simply unpalatable when buckteeth and acne are involved. Hasn't anyone ever heard of braces and Acutane?</p>
<p>I wonder what day God created the women at this school? Couldnt he have rested on that day too? Try all you want to find good looking girls at the U of C, but its sort of like trying to go 90 in a Hyundai--it just isnt going to happen.</p>
<p>This is not to say that the men here are competing with Tom Cruise. Most guys here have faces like an old boot thats been fished out of a river. Ive dropped turds better looking than some of the chumps at this place. I hear that the Trojan condom company hires more people from the U of C than any other school. It makes sense if you think about it; they need to get their poster-boys somewhere. But at least SOME of the guys here are handsome.</p>
<p>Its not as if the city of Chicago is a bastion for the uglies of the world. Take the CTA downtown and within five minutes of getting off the bus youll see more attractive people than you have in the past two months at the U of C. Hell, youll see more hot girls on the bus ride to downtown than you have in the past two months here. What does it say when the public transportation in this city provides a better venue for girl spotting than a major college campus?</p>
<p>Go to a Cubs game and youll see more handsome guys in five minutes than in five weeks here. Of course a lot of them will probably be gay, but compared to the girls at the U of C, I dont think homosexuality would be all that bad. At least gay guys dress well and smell good.</p>
<p>Is there something inherently ugly about intelligence? Why do the majority of guys here look like they have yet to evolve from Java Man? Why do the majority of girls here look their faces have been run over by garbage trucks? Does God hate us? What have we done to incur his spiteful wrath? For damn sure we didnt do anything worse than, or even close to, Sodom or Gomorrah.</p>
<p>Ugliness is one thing; after all, one can only do so much with the genetic package they were born with. But cleanliness is a choice, and the undergrads here Just Say No. Is it me, or does it seem like this school has the lowest number of clean people per capita in the country? There are people walking around this campus that could probably qualify as SuperFund clean-up sites. I grew up in the thick of rural redneck Kentucky, yet the cleaning habits of the people here makes me long for the days of hanging out in the holler with Jethro and Billy Bob, playing in the mud and shootin at road signs. At least they took some pride in their mulletts.</p>
<p>Perhaps the high-level of heinousness at this school would be excusable if it was a fun place to be. Alas, that is not the case. This place has the social life of Rikers Island, except without the rampant anal sex. It makes me yearn to get on the guest list for parties at the geriatric ward of Kevorkian Regional Hospital; those people are a collection of teaming gregarious social butterflies compared to my fellow collegians. I would call this place socially retarded but at the mall I have actually seen retarded people have fun and be social.</p>
<p>Of course there are always those schmucks who think that this place is great and say that anyone who doesnt believe so holds unrealistic visions of college life. To those people I can only say one thing: VISIT OTHER SCHOOLS. Go spend a week at Vanderbilt, UVA, Tulane, UCLA, or any number of other schools, then come back and apologize to me for saying stupid things.</p>
<p>If you think this place is fun, then Texas will give you a stroke. If you think the frat parties here are cool, the University of Colorado at Boulder will make you think you are in the Elysian Fields. If you think the people at this school are good-looking, Florida State will make you incontinent with excitement.</p>
<p>I know that this column has probably ****ed off most of this campus, but as my friend Kevin says, Play your music--whatever. Another friend told me not to write this, because no girl would go out with me after she read it. Is that supposed to deter me? SO WHAT? Id rather give a prostate exam to an angry badger than see any of the she-apes at this school naked. Ive already hooked-up with the three attractive girls on campus. This column cant hurt me anymore.</p>
<p>POST SCRIPT: Two U of C undergrads took it upon themselves to prove that the U of C is ugly, check out their site: <a href="http://www.collegecuteness.com%5B/url%5D">www.collegecuteness.com</a></p>
<p>This was written by Tucker Max while he was attending the University. He has a nickname for the college, "The place where fun goes to die."</p>