Full disclosure here, I am a bargain shopper and never, ever buy something or plan without comparing prices to find the best deal possible. But we are not talking a quick flight somewhere or a new TV but a college education. To give a little background, I am talking about my daughter, our oldest so our first to go through the college process. And we are older parents nearing retirement (or were nearing). My husband and I both worked and put our selves through school, something I now know after going through this process is not realistic with the cost of college nowadays. So we gave my daughter a budget per year we were comfortable with that would be paid from 529 and current earnings with no loans for either her or us. So coming in at top of budget is the beautiful private university where she is a committed athlete(in a sport with very little athletic aid) that she “loves”. With smaller classes, brand new dorms, an ungodly amount of dining options and the college athlete experience she has worked for years to obtain. So I see all the great aspects of the school and see her thriving. So then there are the other options, coming in about 8-10K less per year than her dream school, some are large out of state publics, some also private but less expensive. Some she could be a walk on athlete perhaps, others could not even be considered for walk on, none with complete picture like the school she loves. Then there is the local university which happens to be large state flagship, she could live at home and commute and with scholarships costs <5K per year assuming no more state budget cuts. So the budget financial side of my brain is struggling with the concept of paying for her dream school when wow look how cheap it would be here. When I say struggling I am not really talking about it will be a struggle to pay, more the idea is hard for me to accept. We will have to make sacrifices and continue working and not retire and budget extremely well in order to pay, but it is not impossible or unrealistic. The cheapest option could be paid out of the 529 with money left for grad school. When we started this process we gave her the budget and said you can go anywhere you can get the budget to x$. I love my daughter dearly even on the days I don’t really like her, if that makes sense to those with teenage daughters, so I would never reneg on the agreement to find an affordable school that you like and we will pay for it, but still hard. I feel very grateful that we even have these options or any options and that she is going to college this fall as I know many others have little to no options, so please don’t take this as some elitist rant. I just want to be as happy for her as she is and quit adding up all the dollar signs and stressing about everything from orientation costs to “flex dining bucks”. Does this make me a crazy parent?
You agreed to a budget and daughter stuck to it. I certainly don’t think it’s fair to ask her to live at home which is an entirely different experience. I don’t think that’s even a realistic thing to throw in the mix. As for the 40k total cheaper, you could renew and tell her to do that. Would you REALLY retire earlier, especially given health insurance issues that working can solve? Or do you just have regrets about spending money ever?
You gave her a budget and this school falls within it? As long as there are no scholarships that require an unrealistic GPA to to renew, I’d let her attend and not look back.
I don’t think it makes you a crazy parent. This whole process is crazy! As parents we see the cost but in order for our children to be successful it takes more than just classes. They will thrive in the right environments and while a “bad fit” school may not sink them it makes being successful harder. If your daughter understands that grad school money will be gone, etc, then I’d leave the choice to here and honor your original constraints. Don’t forget to take into consideration that most smaller schools tuitions rise yearly.
I agree with maya54. You gave a budget and the school she has fallen in love with is within the budget. We have a budget for my son as well. He got in to 6 of the 7 schools he applied to. All are within the budget but he received scholarships at a few that make it really under budget. Its not easy but we are letting him choose the one that feels right to him. I did create a spreadsheet that outlines the cost differences which he can keep in mind while going on his final visits. But I won’t influence his decision.
So your daughter’s dream school is within budget? She loves it and you love it? She got in, and she can be an athlete there? Gosh, that seems like such an easy decision. You are very blessed!!
I agree with the replies above, but also understand the temptation of low-cost options. I have a client family right now in financial position where they can pay the cost at any school, but it will hurt. The student has gotten into top-20 schools at full price and schools in the 30-50 range with generous scholarships and perks. It’s not easy to give up on a $100,000+ savings at objectively excellent schools.
I’m the biggest bargain shopper here…and there are some folks who know me IRL who will vouch for that.
Still…we set the budget for colleges BEFORE applications were sent. Period. Once acceptances and merit aid offers came in, our kids considered them.
Neither of our kids chose the least expensive option…and by a LOT of $$$$ difference. Still, their choices were within our budget. Both chose expensive private universities.
Please…you gave your kid a budget…and it sounds like NOW you want to amend that to say “well, I REALLY meant that you had to choose the least costly option.” I would urge you to consider your family finances and unless something has changed since the original budget was given…let your kiddo pick a college from the accepted list.
The way I approached it with DD (junior) was to let her know what we could spend, that anything above that she would need to cover, and that any money left over was hers to keep. I wanted her to carefully consider the value that different schools offer, and if they are worth the additional cost. The budget is enough to cover COA for most OOS universities if she gets a moderate amount of merit aid, so she’s not too limited in her options.
It seems to be working. Her top choice right now is our in-state flagship University, although that may change next year when she applies and gets the acceptances and (hopefully) merit aid offers.
This is why I would set a pot of money for all education (or even down payment for a house, study abroad, travel, etc. as well grad school) and consider that money gone. I’d set parameters (there are certain schools and majors/education that I just don’t consider worth the same as full pay at a private when you can pick up an education, skills, and experience that is the same or better for much cheaper at an in-state public or even CC).
But if you can accept that not all education and experience are the same, you can justify paying up.
After all, you pay/rent in the absolute cheapest part of your metro/region?
Don’t be like this parent:
http://talk.qa.collegeconfidential.com/college-search-selection/1789885-best-schools-for-math-comp-sci-with-undergrad-research.html - summer between 11th and 12th grade, “money is not a factor in the decision”
http://talk.qa.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/1866912-need-advice-on-college-choice-etc-p1.html - spring of 12th grade, does not want to pay for student’s first choice college
This has been the discussion with my husband, we gave our daughter a budget, she has many great options within that budget. He’d love for her to choose his favorite, it’s $10,000-12,000 less per year than some of her other in budget options. While that’s great and I’d love for her to go there, we did give her a budget to follow and her other choices fall within it, so I believe we have to let her choose. It’s like giving your daughters a $100 budget for a dress, as long as she’s within budget she should be able to spend up to $100… not be forced to buy the $50 dress her parents think is good enough. My husband is offering our daughter some perks if she chooses his favorite school, newer car, more spending money, etc… because it is so much less than her other options. But, in the end I think we need to let her choose.
there is a 20K/yr difference between my daughters top choice and 2nd choice. I am leaving it up to her to decide. My biggest fear is that if she picks the cheaper option and is unhappy there, she will “blame” us. I am also known as “bargain hunter” to all my friends and family. This is just the one area where i have decided I will spend the $.
Lee- big hugs.
Many of us have been where you are sitting.
Two suggestions: Tonight or this weekend, sit down with your past few years tax returns, brokerage/bank statements, credit card bills, cancelled check register and any other documents you have that track your financial history and actually make a little chart which shows how you are going to pay (or not going to pay) for the more expensive option that your D wants to choose. Get as granular as you can.
You will either see from this exercise that by paying X from this account and Y from another account and dropping your gym membership and increasing your deductible on the car insurance (which you should have done anyway two years ago since the car has 100,000 miles on it) you can afford her choice without selling a kidney. Or not. This ought to give you some peace of mind. If you are as frugal as you suggest (been there, done that) you will feel infinitely better knowing that her choice is within the budget vs. now where it’s just a bunch of numbers (big, scary numbers).
Us frugalites need to know where the money is coming from. And now you will know.
Second suggestion-- take a long walk with your D this weekend, leave the phones at home, and hear from her what it is about this school that appeals to her. The only rule- she cannot use the expression 'dream school" or “loves” or perfect fit. So she has to use specific and concrete examples for you.
I think once you hear from her actual and real things that are meaningful to her you’ll be able to put the financial sacrifice into perspective.
I confess that hearing my kids talk about “dream school” made me slightly nauseous (and old timers here now that I continue to claim, “there are no dream schools, there are no dreams spouses, and there are no dream jobs”). Life is filled with trade off’s.
But once the kids could translate “dream” into specifics- an engineering/robotics seminar with 9 other students which they visited which was the most “inspiring” class they’ve ever attended; a lecture on the civil war by the guy who wrote the definitive biography of Abe Lincoln and btw, he is a faculty advisor for Freshman considering an American History major; a symposium sponsored by the med school which undergrads can attend debating assisted suicide with a panel of theologians, policy experts, and physicians…
gotta say, even I started to get on board.
And I have never regretted a penny I spent on my kids education now that they are all happy and productive adults.
Some of these comments are a little harsh. The OP never said she was taking the option off the table; just that she wanted help getting past her reaction so she could genuinely celebrate with her DD. I am also a bargain shopper, so I understand. Maybe you can view her experience as a high-end automobile that will provide years of use and pleasure, as opposed to a serviceable second-hand car. They both provide transportation, but…
Thanks for some understanding in replies. I am in no way backing out of arrangement, have payed enrollment deposit and registered for housing and she will sign her NLI in April. That is not why I posted, to figure out how to back out or justify it to myself. Just to figure out how to change my innate reaction to spending more for something less expensive somewhere else. I am extremely grateful she even had options to pick from instead of commuting from home. It does help to read that others yes can and do turn down the “financially conservative” options and survive.
I think we are all grappling with the same problems, college costs are ridiculous, and financial aid is unpredictable. In my case I let my daughter apply to private schools with two provisos. 1) They had to be near the cost of state school tuition and 2) The schools or the department’s within the schools had to be equivalent in quality to our excellent state public schools. Now that she’s gotten scholarship offers from several private schools, the cost difference is in the 15 to 25K range per year. I will not pay the difference nor will I allow my daughter to go into debt to finance the difference. @leennp my advice is to not go back on your word but to give your daughter the alternative courses of action and let her choose. If you stay home you’ll get a car, have a down payment on a house etc. Graduate school may or may not be the right enticement.
I guess you (and I ) have to come to grips with the idea that the perceived value to the student is higher at this choice. Like selecting and re-wearing one special outfit, instead of selecting two others. As long as she is clear that the pot may be gone with this choice and she would have to handle grad school, etc.as a well-started adult.
Since she is an athlete and getting a scholarship, her sport has value to her. It won’t be the same if she is a walk-on athlete at another school. It just won’t. She’ll have the value of an instant group of friends, a coach watching her grades and study habits (and a bonus to parents, monitoring drinking and drug use), free clothing and sometimes free food. I was a happy mother that my daughter was in bed at 9:30 most nights (because of 5:30 am lifting) after spending 4 hours in the library at study tables. God bless Coach D and the NCAA.
You never know what will happen with her scholarship. My daughter is hoping for more money this year, and her coach said she will consider it. My friend’s daughter started with a small scholarship and ended up with full tuition at Fordham. Slow but steady increases.
Most families can find a cheaper college if cost is the only consideration. It isn’t, because we want quality too, we want fit, we want ROI. Many of us are penny pinchers who look for a bargain, but that doesn’t mean we always buy day old bread or generic peanut butter. It’s important to weigh value too and sometimes the more expensive product it worth it. Sounds like your daughter weighed her options and decided this school is best for her, even if that means she won’t have money left in her 529 for grad school. She can always be a grad assistant coach!
In mid-May of D1’s senior year of high school, my then-husband lost his job. D1 had already accepted a spot at an out-of-state (2000 miles from home) private university. She got a pretty good financial aid package, but we were still on the hook for approximately $10,000 per year out of pocket, plus student loans. She could have gone to the state flagship, which would have saved some money; not $10,000 but significant travel expenses. (I think the first school would have let her out of her agreement, given the situation.) One year, when she and her sister were both in college, we paid more than one-third our $35,000 income for the year to their schools. It was painful to my pocketbook but I have no regrets.