Help me convince my parents to give me a second shot at college?

Student Lounge College Life
1

OK. So long story short, I had to withdraw from college (UCLA) after only one month because I had severe anxiety issues.

My parents now want to enroll me in GE classes at community college for the rest of the year while seeing a therapist.
Personally, this seems a little extreme to me, and I want to try to get my anxiety under control in this quarter and return to UCLA for winter quarter. They won’t listen to me though, and won’t give me any other options. I think they’ve lost their trust in me after I basically failed first quarter due to my anxiety.

What should I do? I really don’t want to go to CC for the whole year. A year of continued home life, deathly easy GE classes, and therapists sounds like a breeding ground for depression to me. I think paradoxically it will stress me out even more, even though the intent is quite the opposite. Not to mention a semester of just GEs is a waste of time in the community college semester system, when I could take them at UCLA’s quarter system instead to balance out my tougher classes. I’m a CSE major, you can imagine the stress that comes with that. :-j

Is my parents’ plan really the right thing? If not, how should I go about trying to change their minds about this?

2

If I were your parents. I would do the same.

3

What are you doing about your anxiety? Are you seeing a therapist? I honestly think that you will be better served taking the next semester and gaining confidence at the community college while at the same time getting help for your anxiety. I know it sounds horrible to you right now, but I can almost promise you that you will look back on this as a very positive thing in your life. There is no shame in spending a semester out of UCLA and going back when you are feeling strong and capable.

4

@PollyC Yes, I am seeing a psychiatrist as soon as there is an appointment open.

@intparent @PollyC Thanks for the advice! :slight_smile: I would surely be open to other opinions though.

5

This may also seem like a stupid reason but I miss my friends at UCLA too. I miss the feeling of having a school to go to and not a random selection of classes where people check in and check out, leading their own lives. (I don’t know, this may be just a myth at CC.)

I’m also afraid I won’t make any real friends at community college because the GE classes I’m taking are totally unrelated and I won’t see people in the same classes anymore (ie, I had met quite a few people in my same classes who where CS majors at UCLA).

6

If you go to CC, you can take some major preparation courses as listed on http://www.assist.org , not just general education courses.

7

You might miss it, but you haven’t even seen a doctor yet about the reason you dropped out. You are in no position to go back now. Did you take all the steps to take a medical withdrawal? Another option is to stay home and work to make money for college, and get treatment, and see about going back next fall. I think once you start the CC route, you probably have to stick it out for 2 years before you are able to transfer to UCLA. But I am not from CA and know the rules are different there from other places, so maybe someone else can correct this if I am wrong.

8

@ucbalumnus Yeah but due to the prerequisites I would have to take MORE classes at CC than I would have to at UCLA. For example, at UCLA I would go directly into C++ programming but community college makes you take Java as a mandatory prerequisite for C++… that’s another two semesters right there. Also for math at UCLA I was in Calculus 3, while the highest community college would place me is Calculus 2. Ironic how they place you further back isn’t it?

@intparent I have seen a general doctor and I need to get proof of having an anxiety disorder sent back to the college to revoke the withdrawal fee. Also (were I able to of course) I could re-enter at any term I want, it is a withdrawal, not a drop out. I’m still considered a student there, even this term :slight_smile: So that is good news!

9

Right. But if you start CC classes, you are not. But it sounds like other than you regular doctor, you have not gotten treatment. You are in no position to go back at this point.

10

At this point you have no idea what it will take, or how long it will take, to achieve the desired control, or even whether pursuing the major you’ve chosen is compatible with your anxiety problem. All of that remains to be seen. Addressing mental issues can take time–sometimes it takes a few tries to find the right therapist, and if medication is indicated, it can take some experimentation to find the right type and the right dosage. Not to sound harsh, but you took a giant fall and have a long way to go to climb back up. Think of this as taking a quasi-gap year for health reasons, with classes at the CC to keep you occupied. A little boredom and a dull social life for the rest of the academic year are small prices to pay for getting yourself in the right place to continue at UCLA.

Your parents are on the right track, and your therapist can help you plan a sensible path back to school. Best of luck–remember, this too shall pass.

11

You may want to listen to your parents first. Like they usually say, " they know better than us"

12

If you imploded so seriously after a month, and have had no treatment since, it isn’t reasonable to think that you are ready to go back.

@intparent’s point should be checked out (can you take CC classes while enrolled @UCLA?). IF it’s ok, then taking some of those lower level classes will leave you stronger and readier for the next level classes- reducing a source of anxiety.

You worked hard to get to UCLA and going to a CC must feel like quite a come-down. It will be easier (and more helpful) if you take @MommaJ’s advice: treat it as health issue. If you were in some form of medical treatment that meant you physically couldn’t get take classes you might be resentful, but you would see it as a bump in the road. Really, that’s what this is. But- if you don’t get it sorted, it will not go away, and there consequences when things fall apart get worse, not better as you go on.

Your parents sent their clever, hard-working, high-achieving D/S off to a top school- and a month later had a child home whose life had imploded. They want to make sure that the next time you head off you are ready for the totality of the experience. Two months later- safely out of the environment, but no other changes- you are trying to say ‘sure, it’ll be fine now’. From the outside, that doesn’t look like a good plan.

13

Seems entirely prudent and reasonable to me. If u were my kid, I’d want to see a year of SUSTAINED non-anxiety performance first.

14

“I want to try to get my anxiety under control this quarter and return to UCLA for winter quarter” is pretty telling.

You want to try. And they want you to try. But they don’t want to put you back into a situation that caused you severe distress without some sort of indication that you’ll be OK.

You didn’t have a bad day. You had anxiety so bad that it forced you to leave school.

You have seen a “general doctor”-- does that mean a GP? Great, I’m hoping he gave you a referral to a great mental health specialist. But you don’t mention that. It sounds as though you haven’t yet started to deal with the actual issue-- your mental health.

Your parents are doing the exact thing that I would do-- and that most parents I know would do. They’re handling the most important priority first: your mental health.
UCLA will still be there when you’re in better shape.

15

I think the OP says they have an appointment with a psychiatrist coming up.

16

I am a parent who is going through this issue with my college student. Your anxiety was high enough to cause you to withdraw. This indicates you need treatment. Likely medicine or therapy or both. This is not a mind over matter issue.

A few things we have learned:

A withdrawal for mental health reason is treated very differently than a withdrawal for physical illness at some schools. Make VERY sure that you understand and follow the rules for withdrawing and what has to be done to return. It is likely that due to requirements, you will not be allowed to return next quarter. Most schools want to see that the anxiety issue was addressed and under control before readmitting a student.

If the doctors feels medicine is indicated, they are likely to prescribe a fast acting (short duration) medicine and a long term (slow acting maintenance medicine). The issue is that everyone reacts differently to these medicines. It is very much trial and error. You might need to try several short term medicines to find one that works. You might find the medicines increase your anxiety or have bad side effects and that a different medicine needs to be tried. For long term medicines, they are likely to start with a low dose to see how you react. In 4-6 weeks they will reevaluate to see if it helped at all. At that point, if it helped at all, the dose might be increased and reevaluate again in 4-6 weeks. At that point, they could adjust the dose again or decide to start all over with a new medicine. My point in that it is going to take months to get the right medicine and the rate dosage. Adjusting to medicines while a full time student at a top school might not be the best idea. There is no magic pill that works immediately. The short term helps but it is not a long term solution for someone that has constant anxiety.

Like medicine, therapy will be a long process. It will take time to find the right therapist. Hopefully, you will learn non-medical technics to deal with the anxiety. Again, this takes time to learn and practice.

The reality is that it is highly unlikely you will be able to return next quarter. I would resist the temptation to return early thinking that the short term medicine will get you through. That is a path that could easily end in disaster.

Personally, I would consider holding off on CC and focus on getting your health under control. There are plenty of free online courses to look at to learn programming while you recover. Maybe a therapist can help you with that decision. Just because you feel that the courses are easy doesn’t mean that your anxiety will be any less. It very well could the same.

Based on what you wrote, this is not a matter of trust or loss of faith by your parent. They are clearly looking for the best path to help you achieve your goals. They are getting you the appropriate help and evaluations need to plan your recovery. It is EXTREMELY frustrating (for both you and your parents) that it takes time. You need to have faith that in time you will find what works for you.

Remember this is a bump in the road, not the end of the journey. You might need a different road but that doesn’t mean you won’t reach your goals.

Try to accept that this was not a failure. You develop a illness that prevented you from being able to function. You took all the right steps and got help. In my book, you did not fail. You are sick and are taking steps to get healthy.

17

It is kind of funny…there is a post with a similar story (swap depression for anxiety) and he is complaining that his mom wants him to stay in school while he wants to come home and go to CC.
http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/college-life/1827668-convincing-my-mom-to-do-whats-best-for-me.html#latest

  1. Accept that you have fairly severe anxiety if you had to come home from school. That meant mental-health-wise you were not ready. Your parents want to make sure you are ready.

  2. How far away from UCLA do you live? As a parent I would not want you that far away if you go back.

  3. Like others say, find out what the path back is like. Are you allowed to take CC courses? Do you need a doctor’s “note”?

  4. My DD has anxiety, but fortunately we found out during HS. She is on medication and is doing quite well, but still she went to a college only an hour away. We also chose one that had a week long orientation so she would have plently of time to get comfortable and make friends before classes started.

  5. I understand what you are saying about balancing tough courses with GenEds…but if you had the GenEds out of the way you could take less courses per quarter. Is the quarter system the best for you? Is it too intense?

18

I would highly recommend a therapist in addition to simply seeing a psychiatrist for medication. You need to learn coping skills to help combat anxiety.

19

I will say that most colleges will allow you to take classes at a community college while you are out on medical leave. Whether you can transfer them back in is a different story altogether, but most colleges don’t have any prohibitions on what you can and can’t take while on leave. You should check to be 100% sure though.

One thing to note, OP, is that UCLA does not hold one withdrawal against you. However, if you withdraw, return, and then have to withdraw again, they do begin to reevaluate your admission and readiness. It’s far better for you to get your anxiety under control and be confident in your ability to do well than it is to go back before you are ready and potentially jeopardize your entire education there.

Also, I agree that it may even be too soon for CC classes, although your parents know your situation better than we do.

20

Thank all of you for your kind words and support! I live about an hour away from UCLA… not that far away. I agree, I am probably not mentally stable enough to go back there. It is very frustrating but I will treat it like a health problem… unfortunately the sadness from being home does not seem to help with depression either. I am stuck at home doing an online math course all day because my friends are out at college, and not being myself because of the anxiety and depression is tough… I delusionally think going back to UCLA will solve the problem but I’ve learned not to trust my thoughts anymore… that’s why I came here asking for advice, which I received! Thank you very much.