<p>I wasn't really sure what category this would belong to...but here goes,
Back when May 1 was looming over our heads, I was between Boston College and my flagship state university, UMD College Park. While UMD had given me basically full tuition, with what left to pay being room&board + fees, BC would have cost me 30k per year. Logically, I chose UMD - which was a good fit anyway.
My dad (non custodial and not that present in my life) was dead set on me going to BC, yet had no realistic idea of the ramifications of that kind of debt...which would have been about 80k in total. Two weeks later, and he's still giving me grief over choosing UMD, mostly because BC's business school is much higher ranked. BC is a great school but he idealizes it out of proportion and when we speak he's filled with disappointment and regret.
I'm really stressed out because of this, and half of the time am now doubtful over my decision.... Did I make the right choice? And how do I get my dad to let go?</p>
<p>Why are you giving your father this kind of power in your life? You said yourself that he “had no realistic idea of the ramifications of that kind of debt.” You clearly made the wise choice. Let your Dad run his mouth, just don’t buy into what he is saying.</p>
<p>What do people who are not</p>
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<p>have to say about your decision?</p>
<p>With all due respect, unless your dad is offering to pay the difference and let you graduate debt free…</p>
<p>pugmad is right.</p>
<p>This person has no power. He’s virtually no different than a classmate or neighbor who might be bothering you about your choice. Just tell him, “I’m going where I can afford to go, and unless you come up with the money for me to go elsewhere, there’s no point to this discussion.” If he doesnt’ let up, start mentioning much more expensive neighborhoods that he should move to and begin pestering him about why he’s not moving there.</p>
<p>Did your dad offer to pay for BC? Apparently not, if you were looking at $80K in debt. </p>
<p>UMD is a great choice. If your dad wasn’t planning on paying your tuition, then it really is none of his business where you choose to go.</p>
<p>Thanks for your replies. He offered to take out the loans for me, but I couldn’t imagine putting him under that burden.
I know logically I shouldn’t give him this amount of influence, but it just sucks knowing that he’s disappointed in me. I have my mom’s support at least.</p>
<p>It is encouraging to see a young person so clear-headed about the burden of that kind of debt, and a discerning consumer of education. You may be very well suited for a career in business.</p>
<p>People who are not in a position to treat you to the BC experience have no place trying to undermine your very prudent choice. And by “treat”, I mean the full amount in escrow, not a payment for year one, leaving you stranded, and then trying to transfer out of a very expensive school and finding transfer aid packages less to your liking. But that doesn’t sound like it’s happening, so enjoy your time at UMD and make the most of it.</p>
<p>Sometimes you know you are doing the right thing by the people who think you are doing the wrong thing.</p>
<p>Your father wanted to burden either himself or you with debt for decades to come. If he’s disappointed, then you must be doing the right thing.</p>
<p>I posted at 7:53 without seeing your 7:51. I didn’t mean to give your dad short shrift. His offer to send you to BC on borrowed money is kind. I do believe that most parents mean well.</p>
<p>But your reservations about taking him up on that are probably very well placed – you would know the details best. All we as strangers on an internet board can offer is general realities – that a lot of debt is probably not worth it, when you have such a good deal from UMD. And when the parent is overextended, the student could be left in the lurch.</p>
<p>Maybe dad can save up to help with grad school, if you both so desire, instead of borrowing for undergrad.</p>
<p>Tell him thank you for the offer, and tell him you might come back to him when you work on your MBA. Don’t let him guilt you about your choice of undergrad…I suspect he means well and doesn’t want you to feel like you were “cornered” into your decision.</p>
<p>*Thanks for your replies. He offered to take out the loans for me, but I couldn’t imagine putting him under that burden. *</p>
<p>you still made the right decision. Since he hasn’t been the devoted dad in your life, he very likely would have “pulled the plug” on these loans in some future year leaving you without an affordable alterative (your merit would be gone from UM).</p>
<p>Not so present in your life? How dare he waltz into your life(after your mom has loved, supported you all these years) and tell you what to do! You are a young man now and I think he wants to live through you vicariously… he wants to be able to take credit for something after NOT being there for 18 years… </p>
<p>Ask yourself why he is so hell bent on paying for the expensive college? Is it guilt? So he can lay claim on your sucess? And throw it in your face for the next 60 years?</p>
<p>Sounds like your mom has done an amazing job with you! You have NOT disappointed anyone and please stop feeling this way! How dare he make you feel like you are doing the wrong thing… you are an incredibly smart person and enjoy a DEBT FREE college experience… </p>
<p>There is nothing better in life than being able to take care of yourself… and not relying on anyone else to do so! It will make you stronger/more self reliant… </p>
<p>What if he decides not to sign that loan next year? Or the year after? What will happen then? Can you count on his word of footing the bill? Is he a man of his word?</p>
<p>When he brings up BC, change the subject or tell him you have to get off the phone… </p>
<p>So often, parents selfishly give their kids baggage(as my own dd has from her dad). I always tell her NOT to pick that bag up… because it will be a bag that you will carry for a life time… as I tell her… I will tell you! Don’t pick it up! Leave it at his feet! That bag will be far too heavy to lug around mtortilla! You deserve SO MUCH MORE!!</p>
<p>Good luck to you! The only opinion that matters is yours and your moms to be honest…I bet she is your biggest cheerleader and WOULD lay her life down for you…</p>
<p>It seems to me that you are a very mature young man. You seem to have really thought through this and I think you made the wise decision. </p>
<p>Part of the growing up process is to decrease your reliance on your parents and their approval. It sounds like your father is not handling this maturely. It is one thing to be disappointed. Feelings happen to us. It is quite another thing to unload your feelings on someone else. This is a choice your father is making. It would be wise for you to tell him that you are happy with your decision and you do not wish to discuss it further unless he can offer his support. Then stick to it. It is part of becoming an adult. You can set boundaries for what you will/will not discuss. Until he can maturely discuss college with you, I just wouldnt talk to him about it. </p>
<p>Where you get your MBA matters much more. You are wise to save your $$ for your future. That is a much better investment.</p>
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<p>Offering isn’t the same as doing. He might not even be able to take the loans. If someone were serious, you’d have a check in hand.</p>
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<p>If you knew that he had it and much more, it might not be a burden. If he has to take out loans, then it’s obviously a burden. I’d guess that it would be more like him cosigning the loans for you anyways.</p>
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<p>It shouldn’t. It should suck for him that you’re disappointed in him.</p>
<p>When you say that he was willing to “take out loans” for you, did he mean that HE would be paying back the $80k plus interest? Or did he mean that he would co-sign the loans and YOU would be expected to pay the loans back???</p>
<p>If he thought that he was going to pay them back, then I wouldn’t have really believed him because if he can’t pay anything now, why would he be able to make very large payments? That’s a big red flag that either he would really expect you to pay OR he’d soon realize that he couldn’t pay such loans and make you leave BC after a year or two.</p>
<p>It sounds like you have made your first great business decision! Congrats on your choice, I hope your dad will come around once you settle in at UMD-CP.</p>
<p>You have made a terrific decision so stop feeling like you owe something to your father. Let me tell you what you would owe if you took out those loans. I just read a thread in the engineering forum where someone discussed how much debt one should take on for school. The poster laid out that a 25K loan at 7% over 10 years would require about $280 a month. 10 years he said is the average time student loans are repaid. </p>
<p>In your case you would triple that, so you would need to pay every month over $800. That means every month you would need to earn over $1K in pretax dollars to pay monthly over 10 years. If you made $60K a year/(average start salary for an engineer, I don’t know what business new grad make) that is $5K a month pretax so under $4k post tax. So 25%+ of your monthly salary is going towards loans</p>
<p>You would still have monthly expenses of rent, utilities, car insurance, car payments, food and anything extra you might want. You would be left with nothing, no savings. </p>
<p>Instead, you have no loans to repay and a chance to save that money and put it towards your future life whatever that may be for you. Good luck.</p>
<p>You made the right choice. Tell him the decision has been made. Period.
Best of luck at UMD! Don’t look back.</p>
<p>you made the right call… </p>
<p>I also agree that your dad probably means well, so if he wants to talk about it, you can talk about it with him. But if he really isn’t any part of your life, then I don’t see why his opinion concerns you.</p>
<p>Wow thanks for all your responses! My original post came after a pretty upsetting phone call from him, but I’m feeling very secure about my decision now - I think I was just looking for some confirmation.
I hope I didn’t portray my dad in too bad of a light, he’s usually a pretty levelheaded guy, he is just somewhat misinformed about the college process. Hopefully I can sway him with the grad school argument, as when it comes to that I will be equally interested in name-recognition and such.
Thanks again for all your advice, it’s relieving to know I made the right choice.</p>