I’m not sure this is in the right place, because a year off is the last thing my daughters need…
I have two older kids who’ve made it through the process with a little gentle guidance–I was a total helicopter parent but realized how they each needed independence
But I have a couple challenges with these current seniors.
The first is for parents of multiples. Or for students who are twins. How do you navigate conversations which should be so individual and focused and private while family logistics mean that we visit schools together? I’ve told them since they were little to go to separate schools, which is advice a twin mom passed on to me. But partly due to the lockdowns (which lasted a long time in LA) they have spent almost all of high school in a room together. They are separate people, of course, but mostly have similar interests, and though their academic paths diverged, their first attempt at the SAT ended up with scores only 10 points apart.
What did you do to make sure each child looked at the right schools for them and how do you stop inevitable comparisons to each other?
My second dilemma is related and may be familiar to some of you. My girls’ last full year of normal school was 8th grade. They have spring birthdays and will turn 18 next year. But the lockdown, the loss of that time, and the oddball quirk of being twins from a family that wasn’t part of any pods means that they are socially/emotionally so not ready for college that I’m thinking that a post-graduate year at (separate?) boarding schools would be good. They’re not athletes, but they are great singers and good dancers and voracious readers. I know the world of elite BS (hubby and I attended BS) and since we’re totally SoCal, I don’t think a top tier, uber competitive school would be the right place for them.
I’d love to hear from anyone who sent a kid (or a kid who did it) to a post-grad year that wasn’t requested by a coach or the naval academy. How was it? Is a year enough time to connect with people? Part of the problem with their college searches is the inability to imagine being “away” for four whole years.
We visited Wasatch while on a summer road trip, and their counselor was lovely. Said the most important thing is to be intentional with their paths, and suggested applying to colleges and possibly defer if they still don’t feel ready in the spring.
Some of you may wonder, what do the students in question think/feel? They’re paralyzed. They’re avoiding essays, list-making and the lovely on-campus college counselor. They grumble at the idea of “falling behind” but are down with visiting BS while we are on a fall college tour. In short, I can see what they missed and really wish I could give them the gift of time (yes, I know it’ll be $$$ but saw too many kids despair to point of dropping out or being 5150’d or even passing away.) I went to college very young, but I didn’t skip any years or lose academic ground so my nerdy lack of social skills was the only hurdle (and boy, did I clear it!).
Why was their last full year in 8th grade? Freshman year would have been in person until March, 2020. Sophomore year was virtual. Did they not attend school in person junior or senior year?
I don’t understand why you feel they would not be socially/emotionally prepared for college but that they would be socially and emotionally prepared for boarding school.
Not a mom to twins, but if you are considering a PG year, what about sending them to the same school (if that’s what they want)? They could request different roommates and potentially even separate dorms, but it would give them a chance to ease into being apart before they potentially go to separate colleges.
Not the same situation, but my oldest two kids were at the same boarding school last year (one in 9th, one in 12th) and even though their dorms were next door to one another, they rarely saw each other (it is one of the bigger schools). But they reported that just knowing the other was nearby was a comfort.
I mean their last fully normal year was 8th. Yes, they went to in person school for most of junior year, but everyone was masked and so connecting with people socially wasn’t easy. They interacted quite happily with fellow students at a college art program for high schoolers this summer and did a dance intensive; but I’ve noticed that the people they connect with tend to be younger. They’re pretty innocent. Nothing to do with me; they’re just drawn that way.
I have a kid in boarding school and a kid that just started freshman year at a small state (non flagship) college. I would think that coming in as a college freshman, where everyone is in the same situation, forms bonds more quickly than being one of just a handful of post-grads at boarding school.
Don’t discount small state schools. It turned out to be just the right speed for DD22.
There was a mom of twins that had never spent a night apart at DD’s orientation. Her daughters picked separate schools, but they were within an hour of each other which gave them (her) some comfort.
I don’t think people outside or California appreciate how shut down California was and for how much longer than anywhere else. When my 2022 was mostly back to normal life outside of some masking restrictions, our California friends had to to leave the state to take the SAT/ACT and never were able to return to sports. 8th grade was the last normal year because 9th was curtailed in 2020 and many areas of California never returned to anything resembling normal.
I am going to offer a different perspective: If they aren’t interested in going to school separately at this point, why force it?
If they are lucky enough to have a built-in support system, why deny them that? I know a set of twins that attends a top 10 school together and they are flourishing. Going to boarding school alone, where most students have been together for several years and have formed strong bonds, sounds more traumatic than going to to college separately.
I have a 2020 and 2022 and I can see daily the effects of Covid isolation on them. My friends and I often discuss how behind this cohort of kids seems to be socially, emotionally, and academically. For me, some of the rules and expectations have changed.
Yes, and thank you! I was definitely thinking BS together would be the transition play. And @vwlizard, good points too, but my girls have never been to a school dance, and only last week were invited to their first hs party (a Sweet 16 sleepover), so (admittedly, all me!) my impetus is to gift them a year with that stuff as well as academic recovery.
Oh! I missed that BS would be together! I apologize.
Not a mom to twins, but that does seem like a good idea, if they are amenable. With my 2020, I saw a lot of kids take gap years in order to avoid an online year of college. It really seemed like a good move in all instances, and the kids started college more mature, motivated and settled. Plus, your kids might be able to fill any of the academic gaps that they have from the last couple of years.
I hope they don’t look at a gap year, at boarding school or otherwise, as getting behind their peers. Paths have gotten much less linear these days. They will soon realize that some of their high school friends will graduate in 3 years, some will take 5, and some will do longer programs, etc.
If they don’t want to do BS, what about some separate gap year trips?
I have two who were in the same grade all through school. Not twins (one is adopted) and they had nothing in common in hs. They didn’t want to go to the same college and ended up 2000 miles apart. Now they are the best of friends. They each picked the college they liked (one in arts and humanities, the other an engineer).
Each knew two people heading off to college and they did like seeing a friendly face in those first few days.
My brother (19 months older) went to the same college as I did. Never saw him even though at one point I could see his apartment from mine. I’d see his girlfriend occasionally, but rarely saw him.
I think if they went to boarding school for a PG year, the college counselor there would be in the same place the hs counselor is - how do you steer kids with similar interests to the best school for that student and not let the sister apply to the same school?
I’m not a parent of multiples, but I recall reading about a family with siblings who were a year apart (or similar) and going visiting colleges at the same time. Each student had a notebook where they wrote down their own thoughts on the school (there may have even been a template or set of questions for each visit, I can’t recall). I think that family may have then had one kid discuss and then the other one. But I could also see it where maybe each parent takes one child and has a coffee with them and then they switch. Repeating impressions about a school (with a different interlocutor) might raise different points or questions. They each get individualized attention and will talk about their individual impressions before getting their sibling’s impression (and possibly being swayed by it).
I would ask them whether they would like to be the new kid(s) twice in two year (PG and college), or just once? I personally think that it could be challenging to go through the whole process of establishing a social group, acclimating to place, etc, and then having to repeat the process the next year.
But, you may also want a talk with them (individually) to see if they see college in their future, or at least their near future. Maybe they want to work for a couple of years. Maybe they want to volunteer in a foreign country. Maybe they want to go for a certificate or associate’s and skip out on the rest of academia. Is it the idea of a transition that is troubling them, or is it the idea of going to college?
If the issue is not about going to college, they may become more motivated when they see other people starting to apply (and get responses for the early birds). Also, I’d just make sure there are a lot of individual conversations with each kid. If they have a lot of the same places on their lists, that’s fine. They may end up liking them equally, or they may end up having different feelings about campuses. I wouldn’t worry right now about whether they’ll go to school together. I’d cross that bridge come April of senior year.
I have lived in California my entire life. I am currently in Los Angeles County, which had the longest and most restrictive guidance in the state. From 2020 to present, my kids have been in both HS and CA colleges so I know all too well the struggle that we went through. While some may argue that Californians are not normal, it isn’t because of the pandemic. .
I understand that the SAT/ACT were not offered and that some travelled out of state to take the test. That is the reason that many schools went test optional or, in the case of UCs and CSUs, test blind.
I’m not sure about the never able to return to sports comment. Tennis, swim, golf and XC resumed pretty quickly. There were some masking and testing requirements for indoor and contact sports but all HS sports resumed by early 2021.
All good thoughts, thank you. Yes, I do try to speak with them individually, but they do extra curriculars together so our hours are limited. I’m going to have to dedicate myself to taking one at a time on errands, maybe.
LA County has certainly been special! I know that some schools and districts had vaccine requirements, so not all kids were able to return to sports.
Yes, the lack of the PSAT and the cancellation of regularly-scheduled class college trips contributed, I think, to the “WHAT? College?” reaction from so many kids. We are super grateful to be back in person and with EC, but even our college counselors comment that the bulk of the kids don’t seem like seniors at all. And mine are not mainstream – not on social media, for example.
We’ve crossed the individual bridge before – asked them not to speak about their placements or desired for electives before scheduling meetings, for example. Then we had two separate meeings and they each picked the same classes! It’s funny for sure.
@skieurope Awww…thank you for thinking of me. How the heck are you? I imagine you are running the place by now lol.
On the twin question: I think a PG year at a boarding school where there are quite a few other PG students is a wonderful idea for these twins. (May I suggest Mercersburg lol?) They should not room together…maybe even different dorms if possible? That’s a good intermediate step before college.
My kids are not as similar as yours sound to be, so I think you - and they - need to really think about what distinguishes them as individuals and try to sort out what is truly important to each. That will make the process easier. Anyway, here’s the basic sequence of events on my part: I looked at the way colleges were categorized (in a big college guide - Peterson’s?? - and on informational websites) with regard to factors used in making a choice. I thought about my kids and had some preliminary discussion with them about what factors were important. I went through the big college guide, crossed off most, and made preliminary lists for each child. These were refined over time, of course, with input fron their college counselors and their own experiences. We made a few road trips: local colleges to look around, then farther afield to schools of serious interest, not always the same ones (for instance, while my daughter interviewed at Wellesley, my son got on a train and went to interview at Boston U., that sort of thing). We mapped it out to be as efficient as possible.
Their final lists had some overlap, but my daughter mostly applied to smaller LACs and my son to larger urban universities. They ended up reversed, with my son at an LAC and my daughter at a large urban university, and both had great experiences, covid notwithstanding. And although they didn’t spend much time together in high school or college, they now share an apartment in NYC. Happy ending, right? Best of luck to your girls!
I would agree with this too. There are definitely ways for them to take separate paths even if they attend the same school. My two best friends in college were twins and while they chose to have separate roommates the first two years, they ended up sharing an apartment together during the final two. Their friend groups overlapped a lot at times but they still very much had separate identities between having different majors, studying abroad at different times, having different summer plans, internships in different cities, etc. For them, having each other close by at times helped keep them grounded but did not hold them back from branching out on their own at other times (I would argue that of all of us in the friend group, they were the ones who were most at ease on their own/stepping out of their comfort zones…they created some seriously amazing opportunities for themselves all over the world). Their paths after college were very different and they have found themselves living in different countries ever since. They are still very close even though they can’t see each other often, and having the shared college experience helped cement that. I think they especially appreciate having overlapping college friendships all of these years later too–it’s another way that they stay connected while far apart.
