Help me improve Essay score from 10 to 11 or 12???

           The presumption that originality is overrated is erroneous. Although some proponents of the triteness of originality would argue that originality is meaningless in the end, these idealistic critics are too dogmatic in their provincial views. Originality involves finding a novel way to approach problems, which leads to success. Two examples that exemplify how the use of originality leads to success are The Battle of Penghu and Walter Matthews. 

           The Battle of Penghu, a naval battle fought in 1638 between the kingdom of Tungning based in Taiwan and the Manchu-led Qing Empire of China, clearly demonstrates how originality can lead to success. In the 17th century, there were many conflicts between the rulers of Taiwan and China. The omnipotent ruler of Taiwan, King Kangxi, wanted the Chinese ruler Fu Wei to release long-held Taiwanese captives. But Fu Wei, renowned for his stubbornness, refused to give in as doing so would be a sign of weakness for the great ruler. King Kangxi negotiated and even offered peace treaties, but to no avail. Finally, King Kangxi sent an army of approximately 100,000 men along with his most trusted admiral, Shi Lang, to rescue the Taiwanese captives. Shi lang was a brilliant military general, and knowing that the Chinese army was much larger than his, employed the famous "Flying Dragon" tactic, which involved the smaller Taiwanese army to entrap and defeat them. The use of this rare and unconventional military tactic serves as a testament to Shi Lang's originality. If Admiral Shi Lang hadn't used this tactic, his army would have inevitably been defeated by the larger Chinese army. This event goes down in maritime history because Shi Lang, using his military prowess, took the path less traveled and as a reward, won a soaring victory for his country.

        Another example that clearly demonstrates that originality and novel approaches lead to success in life is the story of Walter Matthews. Mr. Matthews, a wealthy and munificent CEO of the company "H.K. Walker and CO." is often described as an eccentric man. So original are his business and marketing strategies that CEO's of more successful companies take notes in the hopes of improving their companies. One strategy that Walter Matthews uses is to abolish any hierarchy system in his company. By doing so, he aims to make the work environment less intimidating and more inviting. many studies have shown that this approach does indeed work by making all employees feel included and even part of the family. This in turn leads to greater success in the company because everyone wants to work harder to improve a company they like. His "eccentric" approaches show that creativity is not overrated, but rather a strategy to be used so that one can overcome a myriad of problems in life.

         In summation, The Battle of Penghu and the story of Walter Matthews show how creativity or using novel approaches in life can lead to success in the battleground , workplace, and all scenarios in life.

This essay got a 10. It’s not that I think that a 10 is a bad score, but I scored that last time and would like to improve my essay score for my 3rd and final try at the SAT. I showed this essay to a friend, and he said I had some tense errors, awkward run-on sentences, and I shouldn’t repeat “clearly demonstrates” so much. He said I should get right into the examples and try to connect them to my thesis near the middle of the paragraphs instead of rambling on like a storybook. What do you guys think? How can I improve my essay score to an 11 or 12 next time?

Nice essay. A few areas for improvement:

You use to many “SAT” words. They don’t all fit and its just a little too transparent - especially in the second sentence. You would be better off with more simple, and therefore more clear, writing.

In the first support paragraph there is too much background and not enough analysis. The actual illustration of the benefits of originality come late in the paragraph and are a little unclear. It would be better to use more of the paragraph analyzing the benefits of originality. Most of the paragraph should describe the originality of the Flying Dragon tactic and its benefits.

The second paragraph has more analysis than the first, but its not really that compelling an argument for originality.

There are a few typos and grammar issues, but I don’t think those would get in the way of your 12 if you could use more analysis and make it more persuasive and eliminate a few SAT words.

Good luck. If you go after other goals in life the way you’ve approached the SAT I’m very confident you will be very successful.

Did you make the examples up?

@ethiololita6 Yup, I made both examples up.

@CHD2013 Thank you for your insightful criticism! That’s exactly what my dad said when he read my essay; I use way too many “complex” words that can get in the way of the reader trying to understand the meaning of a sentence. The reason why I have so many SAT words in the first paragraph is because I’m using Shaan Patel’s template (from an SAT prep book). But I’ll change the template to make it more understandable.

So instead of explaining the whole battle, I should just get right to the point and try to connect back to my thesis more in the middle of the paragraph?

Do you believe I have a chance at scoring an 11 or 12 on the essay if I just eliminate a few of the supercilious SAT words and give more analysis? And should I throw out the template (first paragraph starting from "the presumption that X is erroneous/a categorical truth)? It helps me with time, but I don’t know if that’s what’s holding me back from getting higher than a 10 essay, since I used it both times I scored a 10.

I think the template is good as long as its modified as you describe above. Yes, with the changes you described I think you have a good chance to score an 11 or 12.

@JuicyMango Im looking to improve my essay as well. Could you maybe PM me the template?

@JuicyMango I got an 8 on my Nov 2015 essay and am also looking to improve to at least a 10. Could you please PM me the template you have?

@JuicyMango…Grandiloquence is underrated. Trust me!

“Although some proponents of the triteness of originality would argue that originality is meaningless in the end”- This is an oxymoronic pleonasm. Triteness is antithetical to originality by its inherent connotation. “Idealistic critics are too dogmatic in their provincial views” is a better effort at linguistic resourcefulness. To earn a 12 on the essay you have to be exceptionally conversant with the multipronged connotations of big words. A fastidious focus on grammatical niceties shouldn’t constrain your creativity. Focus less on examples and more on concepts. That is my advice

Aim for length rather than perfection. An artful ramble will earn you more points than a timid perfectionistic brevity