Help me NOT freak out about PSAT scores

Parents Forum
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<p>Guys, guys, guys.</p>

<p>The point I am trying to make is that it is possible to be the kind of parent who both freaks out at lower than expected PSAT scores and still gives their kid nothing but unconditional love. It's possible to have expectations of high academic performance and never shame your kid for what they didn't accomplish. And the OP did say, "Help me NOT to freak out," so they already knew this and were looking for support.</p>

<p>Does anyone remember the thread where I asked for help in NOT FREAKING OUT because my D wasn't getting all A's? And the same kind of response trail was kicked off? Well I just wanted to support the OP because I know it's possible to understand all those rational statements about how Ivys don't matter and PSATs don't matter and you gotta love the kid you have, and so on and STILL FREAK OUT ANYWAY! And when those of us who try to rise above our irrational desires for decals and for the bragging points of kids who score high, those of us who are trying to enter the 12-step program to get off the addicted to my high score kid train, when we ask for support in trying to kick our habit,</p>

<p>Then I say we deserve support. And maybe some gentle kicks in the butt but please, gently. </p>

<p>And robyrm I promise I was not targeting you in my post. I was more responding, as I said, to my previous experience in a similar thread.</p>

<p>As Marite says, high PSATs for most people just mean you get a lot of brochures. That's a concrete statement that's good for alleviating the irrational anxiety.</p>

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<p>Let's all use our most generous ears. The OP is talking about their own kid. This is not abstract to them. Be as generous as you feel you can be.</p>

<p>The OP must think by now they are in one of those SouthWest Airlines - Got to get Away? commercials. You know where the guy is told not to stare at the birthmark on the Aunt, and when the front door opens and he first sees the Aunt he calls her Aunt Mole? We have all said less than intelligent things on this board and a good many of us will even admit to it.</p>

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<p>Cur, you made me laugh out loud!<br>
Thanks, Alum, as well for helping me feel that someone got what I was saying and for encouraging people to play nicer (it's okay to tell me I'm bonkers and that I should chill, but don't attack me for not loving my son)!</p>

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<p>Curmudgeion, Of course, agreed, but the OP asked for a reality check. Where in the posts you reacted to was there anything more?</p>

<p>The OP knows that there was nothing that could possibly be gained from somehow attaining a hire PSAT score. It's qualitatively different from grades, SATs, or any other area we're all accustomed to fretting over. It's a meaningless regret. </p>

<p>So a little gentle reminding was asked for, and given. I've needed a little splashing of cold water often enough myself (and gotten it :) ).</p>

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<p>i think one thing we have to remember as parents is one of my favorite mantras "things always work out for the best." i want everything to be picture perfect for my kids--just like the rest of you--but that doesn't mean that picture perfect is always what is best. </p>

<p>my children have learned to fight their way through some interesting challenges. some challenges have been academic, some have been athletic, and some have been personal/emotional. but one thing we have to remember as parents is this "things work out for the best"</p>

<p>i have learned (and so have my boys) that after any setback or defeat, the sun rises again the next day. in fact, after a particulary tough championship loss, i went upstairs the next morning, opened the curtains, and reminded my son that things were going to continue on and be just fine.</p>

<p>obsessing over test scores and colleges is important; but learning to obsess over what you can control is even more important!</p>

<p>your next few months with your son are going to be some of the most fun times you can imagine--exploring options for his future. don't waste a minute of your time with him feuding over test preparations and psat scores. he will do his best, things will work out for the best, and all will be fine!</p>

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<p>garland, I've never defended what the OP said. On their behalf, I'm just asking for a little love. That's all. :)</p>

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<p>Ditto Carolyn -- S' school hasn't released his PSAT scores, but for him to make NMSF he'll have to improve, oh, 45 points over his sophomore PSAT score. I'm not holding my breath. </p>

<p>Some of the backlash here is because, even though you have enough self-awareness to know that your reaction is irrational, it is still mind-boggling that a 218 would be seen as anything other than a tremendous score. Even on the kid's "PSAT Results are in" thread, it looks like those whackos are reserving their "disappointment" for sub-210 scores.</p>

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<p>"(it's okay to tell me I'm bonkers and that I should chill, but don't attack me for not loving my son)!"</p>

<p>Burnthis-I hope you're not referring to my post! If so, that was certainly not my intent. Here's what I said:</p>

<p>Stop worrying. Don't freak out. Do you want your son to view you as an Ivy Adcom, ie., he must be perfect or he's rejected? Remember, you are his support system. You LOVE him, you're not there to judge him. He's looking to you for affirmation, whether consciously or subconsciously. Let him be a kid. Enjoy your GREAT kid! He's smart, talented, motivated and he WILL get into an excellent school that will challenge and inspire him. Help him find that school. The school that is a match for him, not for your hope for him. That may be an Ivy and it may not. Good luck!"</p>

<p>I'm not criticizing you, I'm turning my own experiences to date into advice. My D is now a senior and has spent the last 3 years resisting our efforts to drive her to cram for SATs, work toward straight As, seek out leadership roles in EDs, the list goes on and on. About a month ago we realized that our D is NOT a person who does any of these things that were OUR dreams for her. She has viewed all of this pressure from us as our disappointment in her. I wish I'd kept my mouth shut and focused on her beautiful original art and writing rather than her less than perfect performance on someone else's idea of how to measure her worth.</p>

<p>So, I'm cautioning you to take a reality check at this early date BECAUSE you love him, and to try to view your concerns from his perspective. I'd say, if he were freaking out, you'd have a problem. You must have done something very right up to this point to have such a fabulous kid. Keep doing that! Carolyn was right...take a deep breath! :)</p>

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<p>I am not sure there is much more to add to the reasoned comments of robyrm, sjmom and others, who did a fine job putting this in perspective. I agree- 218 is a great score. Relax and enjoy it. And let your son enjoy it. Congrats.</p>

<p>My next statement will be a bit OT, but bear with me..
Three things happened today before I popped on CC and read this thread. My younger s, who has heretofore been living by the "its good enough, leave me alone" philosophy, just finished the last of his first semester finals. Somehow, thankfully, something "clicked" in the past month or so, and he seems to have developed some intrinsic motivation (mom here is breathing a very big sigh of relief). He studied more diligently,played a <em>little</em> less on xbox live, asked for help with flashcards, etc. Don't know yet who well it will have paid off, but I personaly have to give him an "A" for effort. I am very happy that I could take off my "nag" hat and watch him work. Even more importantly, I could watch him take pride in his work.</p>

<p>Second thing ... When he emerged from his final, he had an envelope in his hand. He didn't say a word about the envelope or its contents. Apparently it was his grade for the first half of AP AB Computer Science (he is one of only 2 sophomores in the class of juniors and seniors, who, unlike my s., have almost all had JAVA in some form or fashion before). Did he tear open the envelope? No. He sat in the car, talked to my H. on the phone about the test, and then ate his Subway sandwich that I'd picked up. After a while, he opened the envelope. Only when I heard "yes!!" and looked over at the papers did I know what it was. Wise kid didn't tell me the contents of the envelope or I'd have gone back into "nag" mode and pushed him to open the envelope before he ate. My issue. Not his. Yes, we are thrilled with his A. But even more importantly HE is thrilled with what he earned. I hope I am not sounding like I am lecturing-- I am just trying to separate my issues from his, and I think that is the point of this thread. </p>

<p>Then, when we got home, his PSAT scores were here. He did well for a soph. Not as well as the OP's did last yr (mine got a 204). I am proud of his scores, though (saying this very tongue-in-cheek) they are <em>only</em> in the 97th percentile. I popped onto CC to see if there was a thread that talked about how to estimate/guesstimate next years scores from this year's, when I stumbled into this thread. </p>

<p>I concur-- PSAT scores this year are (1) going to generate lots of college mail and then NEXT( junior) year are about the money. My s. isn't planning to leave warm weather, so probably won't look at many (or perhaps any) schools that don't offer merit aid. So, for him, I'd sure appreciate a little (or a lot) of financial help. So I will go back into nag mode next year and "push" him (if he needs it) to study for the PSAT, when it counts. That said, I must mention that my older s's NM Scholarship is "need based" and basically pays for his books...
Helps a little, not a lot...</p>

<p>I think the NM scores may open some doors initially, putting these students on several college's radar screen nice an early in the college process, especially for those colleges that really want to cull and brag about the # of NMF's they have. But OP, don't blow it out of perspective. I repeat. 218 is great, and probably above the cut. He's likely a NMSF. Congrats again. If he doesn't become an axe murderer or something, he'll then make it to finalist. Keep looking at the positive, not the negative. </p>

<p>As for my s., he's playing video games right now. And I think he earned it....</p>

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<p>Jym:</p>

<p>Your post made me smile :)</p>

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<p>thanks, marite!.
i didn't realize how long my post was...
We're off to catch a plane-- and, I must confess, I nagged my son to make his bed before we leave. Same song, new verse, I suppose, eh?</p>

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<p>BurnThis -- no one is suggesting or saying that you don't love your son. Of course you do. </p>

<p>The problem is that sometimes parents need a reminder as to how to best SHOW that love -- I know that in my own life,from time to time I have had to get that reality check from friends or family members who pointed out how something I said or did was unintentionally hurtful to my kids. I appreciate that help, even if I don't always agree with it. But I do take the criticism seriously and usually watch myself more carefully with the feedback I have received in mind. Its difficult for me because my 2 kids have very different personalities, so they really need different levels of attention and feedback from me. What is perceived as encouragement by one might be seen as unwanted prodding by the other.</p>

<p>But when we parents find ourselves obsessing or "freaking out" when our kids are doing well by any objective standard, then we also probably need to give ourselves a timeout from trying to live our kid's lives for them. I mean -- there are parents whose kids have <em>real</em> problems: kids who are struggling in school, kids who have problems with drugs, kids in trouble with the law, kids who have suffered serious injuries or health problems. Those parents are the ones who have every right to be freaking out. We parents of healthy, well adjusted high achievers really just need to learn to relax and count our blessings.</p>

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<p>Another perspective here. My DD scored over 230 on her PSAT's and we got mail up the wazoo (still do). The summer after her sophmore year this high achieving, talented ballet dancer became addicted to drugs. Her SAT scores were a major disappointment this year - to her, not to me because she was alive and sober. She will be doing correspondence courses at Texas Tech when she graduates and I'm thrilled with that. If you had told me that two years ago I'd have had a heart attack. </p>

<p>Now, my DS is a sophmore and we are awaiting his PSAT scores and I'm sweating bullets even while trying not to. The school doesn't release them until finals are over thank goodness. As parents we want the best for our kids and I understand exactly how the OP feels. He doesn't want his child disappointed and wants all avenues open to him. I'm trying to calm down too! LOL</p>

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<p>I too have worried about the effect on first time posters when they read about the PSAT scores of the others posters or children of posters. We are one big Lake Wobegon "where all of the children are above average." I suspect that a large number of parents were directed to CC after sophomore psats results were returned and the parents googled "National Merit".</p>

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<p>BURNTHIS...ARE YOU SERIOUS???</p>

<p>a) it is not you that should be freaking out
b) your son shouldn't be either. he needs THIS too?
c) i was a national merit finalist and nothing came of it. it doesn't matter...even if you do make it to the bitter end, you only make about $5000 (or is it less?)</p>

<p>d) thanks a lot. your post made me laugh...a LOT. and then it sort of made me feel terribly sorry for your son.</p>

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<p>Seriously...</p>

<p>How about a congratulations?
How about seeing how far he can go with his potential and not compare him to others?</p>

<p>I don't know you that well, so I don't the situation, but i think you are really unfair to your son or that i just don't know your ways that well....</p>

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<p>Kyedor,
Hopefully your daughter has put her darkest days behind her. </p>

<p>Thanks for the sobering post. I think sometimes it is too easy to see people we only 'know' from these threads and their concerns or problems as 'unreal' in the sense that we are not seeing their faces, only what they can reflect of their worry in their words. If feel I am sometimes guilty of this, and a wee bit too snippy as a result. In truth, in person I am anything but!! </p>

<p>Thank goodness your daughter is whole enough to worry again about something as trivial as a score on an exam. Hopefully she has strategies to keep her worry in check. I am sure your support means everything to her.</p>

<p>Your story is the dot on the exclamation point. Kids and teens can be resilient, they can also be fragile.</p>

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<p>The colleges don't see the scores, unless the student is a National Merit Finalist (and even then, I'm not sure if they see the actual score). These scores don't mean much at all. I got around a 180 (I admit that I didn't take the test seriously), but received a 2150 on the SAT I and was just accepted EA to BC. Don't worry about the PSAT scores!!</p>

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<p>I have read all of the recent posts with much interest, and I think I have learned a ton -- about the posters, their kids and the process; probably a lot more than I could have at any of the "official" sites. The one question I can't find the answer to is what was the last NM cutoff # or #'s for Texas?</p>

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<p>can anyone tell me what the NMSF cutoff number was for PA.? Is there a site I can go to to find this information? By the way I just got 99% this week and my parents and I jumped for joy. Thanks, Dana</p>