<p>Hi, first time poster here. I have learned a lot from you all, and now I need your opinions to help me make an important decision. Here's the situation: S has been accepted to one of the top tier NE boarding schools (9th grade). S is excited and we feel it's a good fit for him too. Here's the twist though. My husband is now considering taking a job offer from a different part of the country. It is a great opportunity that he won't be able to find around any time soon (he has tried), but we'd be 5 hours by air instead of 5 hours of drive as we are now to S's prospective school. I think that's too far away. S will be barely 14 this fall. I planned to visit him at least twice a month - just take him out for dinner to keep track of his progress. He's the kind of kid not volunteering a lot of information. I need to see him to figure out if he feels comfortable and if there's something going on, etc. I am also worried that his study habit and organization skills would put him in a disadvantageous position in the beginning, which in turn would affect his feelings and experience with the school. Besides, what if he's sick or injured, I can then drive over and take care of him... My husband thinks I am worrying too much. He believes that we can continue to support him by keeping in touch with him by email or phone while he's in school, that we should let school take charge. He said what we could do was talking to him often focusing on developing his motivation, initiative and the sense of when and where to get help instead of "hand holding", and checking with his advisors and teachers about his progress... But that sounds to me "quoted from a book" and I am not sure. I know an international student who is having a hard time at a BS. He's smart and has no language problem whatsoever but is lonely and unhappy. I think if his family were around it'd much easier for him. Teachers and advisors, as someone here pointed out, are not caregivers. We can't expect them to be taking care of a student the way a mom does... my husband and I have been arguing a lot. It is distressing. What do you think? What would you do if you were in my situation? Please help me out. Thanks much!</p>
<p>Well, 5 hours by car is still a fair distance. In my opinion, being a great distance from his parents might be a really good learning experience for your son. Being so close that he knows he can just have his parents’ help whenever he needs it, while not defeating the purpose of boarding school, still might rob some of the benefits.</p>
<p>And, if he gets injured or anything, you’d still be five hours away - just by a different travel medium. I’ll be an international student at Andover next year, over 3,000 miles away from my parents. My advice is to put trust in your son - trust is a responsibility. The more responsibilities you give your son, the more he’ll grow. Just try to worry less and just believe in his abilities to succeed without you by his side the whole way.</p>
<p>If I can rephrase your situation, to be certain that I understand it. You have an acceptance in hand to a top NE boarding school. You had planned to send your son to this school. You had planned to drive 5 hours each way twice a month or so, to see if he made the transition to the new school. Your husband has a great job opportunity, but you would now be 5 hours away by plane, rather than by car. You are considering bringing your son with you, but your husband wishes to send him to BS, as originally planned.</p>
<p>I would recommend that you send your child to the boarding school, as you had planned. Your son has helped to choose the school. If he moves with you, he will be thrust into a new school which he hasn’t been able to choose. Changing schools and communities in adolescence can be very painful. For your son, at boarding school he will enter his high school career with many other new students, all of whom are looking to make friends. Arriving at a new public or private school as the “new boy in town” is much more difficult.</p>
<p>Whatever you choose, your son must adapt to something new. Boarding schools are set up for that. Many of his classmates will be in the same situation, particularly students whose parents have been posted overseas. You can also set up video chats on your computers, which will allow you to talk face-to-face, even if you are far away.</p>
<p>Thanks, Periwinkle. Your rephrase of our situation is basically right except what I am thinking is to ask my husband to give up his job oppotunity, not to bring my son with us and move. He has a job here - it’s not like he has to move, then again it’s some sort of breakthrough in his career, that’s what makes the situation difficult. S will be attend BS no matter what. The problem now is where we will be.</p>
<p>We have two boys currently at schools 3 - 5 hours by plane and a third going to SPS next Fall (also 5 hour plane ride). It has worked great. We still have two little guys at home.
Let him go to BS and let your husband take the job.
[Urban</a> Dictionary: helicopter parent](<a href=“http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=helicopter+parent]Urban”>Urban Dictionary: helicopter parent)</p>
<p>What a difficult time for you!</p>
<p>If this is a career breakthrough for your husband and it is not too risky, then I don’t think he should turn it down so that you can be 5 hours by car instead of 5 hours by plane. In this economy career breakthrough positions are hard to get. </p>
<p>My suggestion is that both your husband and your son make their jumps. Why not buy tuition insurance for next year? If it’s not working out, your son can come to your new home.</p>
<p>I only have experience with one boarding school. At that school, I can email or talk to the dorm master or advisor. If it’s an academic question, I can contact his academic monitor. There are lines of communication open. Talk to current parents at your son’s new school to find out what they do.</p>
<p>FYI, if your son is sick at a typical boarding school, he will be sent to the Health Center. If it looks like he will be there for a few days, he has the option of going home. However, a 5 hour car ride would not be the best thing for a sick person. I doubt that the Health Center will allow you to camp out while your son is there recovering.</p>
<p>If it were me, I would remind myself that all concerns are subordinate to the welfare and happiness of my child.</p>
<p>^^Same. Unless this career move is a necessity, I know my husband would choose to stay put until our child had completed hs. I am not saying this to offend, and I am certain many will disagree with me, but it is how our family would handle it. We already live fairly close to our son’s BS. I don’t know that I could have let him go had it been further than a drive. </p>
<p>TomtheCat…Maybe the flight is 5 hours like the drive, but the finances of that could prove burdensome (snagging a flight at the last minute). And…you can’t just hop on the flight in an emergency. You can just hop in your car and go.</p>
<p>pan1956, that’s my argument too, but my husband is saying to be closer is a “nice to have” not a “must have” for S’s success; while his success will contribute to S’s welfare in the future too. We can’t persuade each other.</p>
<p>What would make your son happiest? What does your gut tell you? This is a time to be intuitive, not cerebral. You know your son; make him happy.</p>
<p>My gut tells I must be around, but obviously his doesn’t. btw, to keep things into perspective, he is a good father who cares deeply about our S - I have no doubt about that. He said if he was in a public school or a daay school he wouldn’t consider the move.</p>
<p>It appears that the real problem is a conflict between your priorities for your son and your husbands priorities for him. I don’t know that anyone on a discussion board can help you with that.</p>
<p>You could insist that your son use Skype every couple of days so that you can see with your own “Mom” eyes how he doing. By the way, are you going to revisit day? You will get a clear sense of whether the school is a good match at this time or not…</p>
<p>I’d say to let your son go to boarding school and let your husband take the job if he really wants it. Again, either way you will be seeing a lot less of your son.</p>
<p>But as pan1956 says, this is a dilemma that we can’t really help you with since we don’t know you personally and it seems to be something strictly between you and your family.</p>
<p>I would not hesitate to take the job - lots of kids have this situation. I don"t see how being five hours drive away is going to make much difference anyway. But sure understand how you feel!</p>
<p>While it’s true that teachers and advisers can’t quite replace mom, at a good school they will pay A LOT of attention to your son. The adviser, especially, will talk to your son often. S/he’s a professional who’s worked with lots of kids going through the same issues and who can pick up problems and will discuss them with you. My impression is that parents’ geographical distance is not an especially important factor in determining the ability of the child to get used to the new school. If your son is sick, he’ll go to the Health Center, where nurses are extremely friendly and helpful. The adviser will visit him. He’ll be in good hands.</p>
<p>Ultimately, it seems to me that it’s crucial to know how your son feels about this. Is he still excited about going to BS if you guys move away? </p>
<p>Good luck!</p>
<p>Here is a solution that you probably won’t like…but I know a few people who’ve done it for varying reasons. You stay behind, or maybe rent a place even closer to Exeter. Your husband moves and flies out for visits a few times a month. I know it sounds crazy, and he’s certainly need a very good job for you to afford this, but people do this. My daughter was an elite gymnast and it is very common to have to move away from home to train as top gyms are far and few between. I know of several families where the mom moved to the area where the gym was located with the daughter and stayed in an apartment, while dad and the rest of the family remained at home. Another family in our town is doing this right now and it has nothing to do with athletics. The husband lost his job at a major outdoor retailer in our area. He was a top executive so it was not easy to find a similar job in our small area. He finally found a position in the midwest. His daughter was a freshman in high school and very happy here, the son was a senior. They opted to have the mom stay here until the daughter graduates. The dad flies out every w/e. I spoke to the mom and they are quite pleased with the arrangement. I know this is “out there”, but it is one solution.</p>
<p>keylyme, but I think the situation here is a little different than the examples you gave -this is a boarding school. You are basically suggesting mom camps out of the campus. Do the moms even work in the examples you gave?</p>
<p>I agree with your husbanbd’s stance. Send your son, let your husband take the job and move with your husband. Sure, your son may stumble a little his freshman year. Many do - this is what freshman year is intended to address. That first year is all about working the kinks out. If he does, I promise he won’t be the only one! 
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<p>As another poster suggested, use skype or ichat to keep in touch. Set parameters about how frequently he should contact you. </p>
<p>Take comfort in the fact that the school accepted him because they thought he could hack it.</p>
<p>Absolutely. All of the moms I know (in the situation I spoke about) work. One of the children does attend a bs…the freshman daughter I mentioned. I am not suggesting she camp out at all. I am suggesting that if they chose this option, she might as well move a bit closer. The parent I know still lives 1 1/2 hours from the bs.</p>