Help me with my transfer essay?

Transfer Students
1

<p>My essay meets the 250 word requirement but I feel it is too short and probably not informative enough. My reasons for transferring are simply that I desire a more intensive theater department, so I'm having trouble thinking of other things to say. Any critiques are more than welcome.
Thank you!</p>

<p>Essay:</p>

<p>I would never want to choose one path to follow for the rest of my life. Throughout my academic career, I have always been interested in exploring new opportunities, whether it is the adventure of learning a new language, a career in journalism, or a position as head waitress at a cowboy saloon. As I always need options, I was disappointed last year when, after stumbling through the admission process somewhat unprepared, I was not admitted to as many schools as I had hoped. I firmly believe that every individual controls her own life, and therefore I know that I must give the application process another shot.</p>

<p>Despite my inability to limit my curiosity to one subject, I know that my first priority always will be theater. My work as an actress is never over; whether I am in a theater class, at rehearsal, or staying up all night in my room reading Tennessee Williams, I am always doing my best to improve my acting skills. Although I am happy at X University, I crave a drama department that better fits me in regards to my ambitious learning goals and desire for a fast-paced environment dedicated to theater. I believe that if I am able to attend a university that has a more intensive drama department, I will be presented with a challenge that will motivate me to work harder and delve deeper into my exploration of theater, helping me obtain the skills necessary to find success in my career as an actress.</p>

2

<p>Bump. Please.</p>

3

<p>The first paragraph really serves no purpose; I’d ditch it. The second is better, but I’d concentrate on specifics and not what you “hope” to accomplish. We all hope to win Olympic gold medals, Nobel prizes, and become millionaires. It isn’t wrong to speak about your dreams, but show some effort on the path.</p>

4

<p>Thanks, I’ll try to be more specific. To be honest there’s two reasons I want to transfer; I hated having my school picked for me (lack of options) which was sort of the reason for the first paragraph. And of course I’m looking for a better theater department but I’m having trouble expanding on that point. If I shouldn’t talk too much about what I’m looking for in a school, should I talk about my experience with theater at my current school? Or how I’m working on my acting now?</p>

5

<p>Try to think of the point-of-view of the person reading it, which is ultimately: what can this student offer our school? That’s really the bottom line. Universities want not just smart people, but those who are hard working and offer something different from the status quo.</p>

6

<p>I guess I was just confused because they simply ask me why I want to transfer, and the answer is so basic. I’ll have to try to fit in what I can offer to the school. Thank you.</p>