Help! My 16 y/o Aspie has given up!

Primal scream!!! So stressed out! And the hardest part is that you put so much effort and work in, and they have such a limited ability to even show love or appreciation. It just makes him uncomfortable to see me cry or get upset. He was a cute cuddly kid. But now he’s gone and I have this apathetic man child. So frustrating.

I don’t know where you live or how much money you can put into this endeavor, but there is an option I know of that could alleviate some of the issues you are discussing. My son does not have Asperger’s, but he does have a full spectrum of language based learning disabilities, as well as ADD without the H. In middle school, he was so far behind I did not think he would ever graduate from high school. He didn’t learn to read until he was 8 years old. We knew he wasn’t stupid from his academic/IQ testing, but the poor processing of language was killing him at school. As a freshman at a private school for different learners he had a core GPA of 1.7. As a sophomore, when he decided to try harder he had a 2.5. He transfered to a private, one-on-one school as a junior, and since that time, now half way through senior year, he has a 3.90 for 3 semesters. Those are college prep courses but no AP courses. There are 60 kids in the school, but one kid and one teacher in each classroom. Schedules are staggered in various ways so that there are about 20 teachers total. Quite a few of the kids in the school have Asperger’s. Teachers are able to accommodate every kid on an individual basis. For my son, they have figured out that he does better with more projects, more essays, fewer tests, and oral testing when possible. He types everything because he writes like a third grader if using his hand, in content as well as quality of writing. He has a bizarre disconnect between his brain and the act of writing which is alleviated by typing. Immediately after every written test they allow him a second chance testing orally on the same questions, with greatly improved scores for him. The English teacher knows what type of books he enjoys, and she picks books from the state list that might not be used in the typical public school setting, allowing him to be much more motivated. The physics teacher knows he is an accomplished musician, and he loves sports cars, so approaches the physics topics from those angles whenever possible. He took an honors course this year for the first time. They had him take ASL instead of a foreign language, and he zoomed through 3 years of it in 15 months. He will never get the type of SAT score your son will get - that 1300 is past his capability - but he has become very motivated and works very, very hard. Best of all, I am completely out of the homework loop. Most of it gets done at school. He attends Fusion Academy. They have schools throughout the country. The drawback is that they are VERY expensive. I am borrowing against my house to send him there. The other option was no four year college and rock bottom self esteem. He has been admitted to several colleges as a recruited athlete and an art major. All of those colleges are fairly appropriate for him. I don’t want him up against 1550 SAT students like his sister. I don’t care what his major is - a degree in anything is enough. There are many “different” learners who could do well in that environment. Essentially he is home schooled without being tortured by the constant presence of a parent, he has actual certified teachers, and he has a few kids that he can socialize with on a daily basis.

By the way, I am a pediatrician, and I have a fair number of patients like your son. It sounds like he is quite intelligent. Finding the key to turn the lock is incredibly difficult for kids like him, but I have seen it happen. Allowing someone else to do the pushing on the academic front will help him, and you, in the long run. Note my joy at escaping that role in my mini essay. Our personal relationship is so much better without the school thing coming between us.

@akiddoc: Thank you for sharing in such detail.

I think the dual approach to testing and assessment is one which many of our children - those diagnosed with x, y or z, as well as those labeled ‘typical developing.’ What a wonderfully rich exposure and engagement with the truth of what we all know, we have varying types of intelligences and skill-sets, and when we are allowed to tap into and display what we can do from the angle of that which is our strongest side, we shine.

DD, who has LDs, attended Fusion the summer between her freshman and sophomore year of high school for math and Spanish. Fusion read her educational testing and discussed learning strategies with us, and personalized their approach to teaching her one-on-one. She was pre-learning classes that were going to be difficult for her sophomore year h.s. We paid the tutoring rate, so while expensive, it didn’t hurt too bad. It helped her immensely with her sophomore confidence and grades.

Thanks for the resource. Money is not much of an issue, (though I do have one in college right now, so it is getting there.). He has a private tutor for math, because I have no idea how math works when you start using letters in it. The rest, he needs no tutor, just a task master. So in one way, the private school would be great to be the taskmaster. But he refuses any outside option (online, GED, private).

He is better today. One day at a time. He did give me a hug at least. He’s such a sweet boy. It breaks my heart to see him struggling and confused. So I have that in common with every parent!

I agree, whether there is a diagnosis or not, many kids just are not nuerotypical. I don’t see why we have not adjusted to that yet. It’s nothing new:(

Also, I’m beginning to feel that they ARE neurotypical it’s just that the world isn’t set up for their type of neurotypical. In another place and time? No problems. Just a thought.

Update: finally the psychiatrist appt!

She says this is all normal, no real red flags. If he will do it, she recommends some therapy to give him some scripts to follow.

He has settled down a lot, the girl thing sorted itself out. He seems much less sad/disengaged.

To be continued.

Update: we have a drivers’ license! This has perked up his malaise considerably. He is proud of himself, more engaged. He has a summer job interview coming up!

The most I could get of him re: college was a chuckle when I asked if he would go to Quinnipiac bc it would be funny if I could t pronounce the name of his school!

End of 3Q at school…we’ll see how that goes!

Wonderful update, @HRSMom! My S graduates next month and still views every stint behind the wheel as absolute torture. :))

May I suggest: Get a college student to work with him on his homework. At this age, there is so much going on emotionally and socially, that lots of kids lose focus at 16. Having a college kid work with him will help him get his work done (find a kid he really likes) and get him out of his slump.

@HRSMom , he got his license!!! congrats! mine got his, but doesnt want to drive. I would only wish mine would go out and get a job interview. We face a summer in front of the computer, just as he did during spring break. He has a few friends but mostly plays games with them online, versus going to see them physically. He speaks his mind, so I have no hope of any job.

he wants to design computer games , and though he has the grades when he actually turns in work, and will get good test scores, no EC’s and I am afraid of him surviving college in 2 years. We are considering staying local.

glad you are making progress!!!

Going to pick up his brother from college this weekend. Give me strength! I hope they don’t fight all summer!!

And he got a summer job! ($10.75 an hour! When did this start???)

Mine left home. He’s now 19 and decided to go do something else for awhile. We think he will maybe go to college around age 24. Lots of time. Lots and lots of time to work these things out. Lots of opportunity to let them grow and change.

He’s supporting himself fully.

Well that’s great! That will help him figure out what he wants. I find we can’t want it enough for them…

So S is in a pretty good place now. He is a bit more engaged in school. The driving and his job seem to add structure he needed. Hopefully he will escape junior year at around an 89/88 average.

I’ve been doing all the college research bc he is adamant that he will not. His filmmaking/editing skills keep advancing. Hoping he keeps an interest as it is the only thing that seems to for now. We have an amazing school near us for this. He cups live on campus and it is a state school. He hates that last part. NY kids seem to hate the word SUNY. But it has an autism support program as well, So we’ll see.

Hope everyone else is well!

^Sounds like things are progressing in the best way possible!

For now! He did well enough on SAT not to have to retake, so that is a relief!

Good SAT + 88-89 GPA = good chances at most SUNY 's and lots of private college choices in NYS and beyond!

His score was 1330. Good enough.