This is my first post. I feel that for the first time, my husband and I are at a loss on what to do.
I have a kid graduating this year. She has been recently diagnozed with mental illness/anxiety attack about 1 1/2 month sago. At a low point of her illness, she voluntarily admitted to us that she is not well and even thought that life is not worth living. She admits that low point snapped her out and realized she needed help. With our guidance and support, she voluntarily sought help from her school. Her school clinic initially were very supportive of her.
Fast forward, sheâs been markedly improved with the help of the md, medicine and therapy.
Unfortunately, one of her friends found out recently that our daughter has been diagnozed with this mental illness. The past week, the roommate called 911 on her because of misinterpretation of my daughters sarcastic jokes.
To note, they were all somewhat drunk.
Turns out, they didnt see or hear her show any signs of being a harm to herself but the roommate just presumed she is because she has witnessed my daughterâs panic attack once days before.
She was picked up by 5-6 policemen, put on handcuff and was told that she will be put on involuntary hold for 72 hrs and most probably be hospitalizss longer.
Make story short, after a day and a half in the ER and being examined by 6-7 doctors she was let go and found not to be a risk to self.
When she came back to school 4 days later, they just dropped the bomb that sheâs on a housing hold and had to stay outside campus. The school is taking a long time to decide whether to let her back to school and hinted on putting her on medical leave.
It breaks my heart that a big mistake was done and she was treated unfairly. Now, she is still continuously being punished for someone elseâs mistake . Just when she is back to 80-90% of her old self, the school Is actually causing unnecessary stress for her and the whole family. What is our recourse. They are trreating her as a liablility (even her therapist who examined her immedialtely after the alleged suicide attempt vouch for her mental health plus the md who saw her 2-3 days before).
Sorry for the long vent, Iâm losing my mind. Any input or help will be appreciated.
@chocaddict For serious situations like this, you need to try to stay as calm and focused as possible. (Not easy, I know.) Based on what you report above, I would try to keep close contact with the school, particularly the person there who seems most willing to help. Be very nice to this person and be careful what you say to them, since you are truly dependent on their best intentions to get a good outcome. Try not to cast blame, since that is likely to be counter-productive. If you can do this, then just stay close and help where you are able.
Thank you for your reply. We were very calm and cooperative. We expressed our full understanding why this happened and doesnt blame anyone. My daughter after initially getting over the shock of what happened, told the dean that she understands why this happened (owned up to some of the blame too) and have no hard feelings for anyone. She just wants to get back to her dorm and move on.
The roommate was doing what she felt was best for your daughterâs safety at the time. The roommate did not make a âmistakeâ. There are many stories of roommates and friends seeing signs and doing nothing with tragic results.
If she had a previous attempt, there is no such thing as a sarcastic joke. I have had to twice call people to intervene with my high risk (no attempt) sister. I always say that I donât care if she ever speaks to me again. At least she is around to not speak to me.
That was our initial reaction, we really thought the 911 call was warranted. But all three of the friends admit they didnât see her trying to hurt herself and didnât hear her say anything about hurting herself.
Two friends texted her sorry after wards, admitting the one who called over reacted and the 2 bystanders wished they intervened.
Will the school allow a return if she has a plan to stay safe, like checking in with a counselor several times a day to say sheâs okay, to keeping counseling appointments, keeping a log of medications? All of this would be a pain, but the school is obviously worried about being able to keep her safe and itâs unlikely that her friends will report another incident. Perhaps if the plan comes from the therapist it would be better received.
@chocaddict Unfortunately, the schools reaction was about par for the course. https://rudermanfoundation.org/press_releases/new-study-reveals-ivy-league-schools-fail-students-with-mental-illness/
@tdy123 Thank you for the link. It made my heart sink to know that this is happening all over. Iâm feeling hopeless and helplessâŠ
One other concern is was she drinking while on medication? Many of drugs used for mental illness/anxiety do not react well to alcohol. Does you daughter understand and accept this? This can be a hard thing to accept as a college student.
@twoinanddone . I agree with you. My daughter has been committed to the drâs recommendations which includes increasing her therapy sessions per week. Looks like all I can do now is wait and pray. Thank you for your reply.
@noname87 She stopped drinking for sometime and realized the hard way that night that she should stop drinking all together. When she wrote her letter to explain what happened, she completely agree that she shouldnât have had alcohol
no matter how small the amount is. I couldnât resist telling her â I told you soâ
I am very sorry this is happening. As your student is over 18, do you have power of attorney and medical power of attorney? This may be something to consider sooner rather than later, as this will legally enable you to receive info and help your daughter if she needs you. Otherwise, because of health privacy laws, you arenât allowed to know anything and therefore be in a better position to help.
@Materof2 Thank you so much. Yes, we have the paper work done last year as she wanted us very much involved in her care and decision making.
I know many families who have been impacted by a suicide. In exactly zero of these cases was it a surprise. Itâs often a surprise to friends and even second tier relatives (aunts and cousins), but it has come as an âout of the blue, OMG, we had no ideaâ surprise to zero of these families.
Why? Because. There were signs along the way- even if not overt discussion of suicide, then a preoccupation with some other morbid subjects. There were longstanding signs of depression- sometimes treated, sometimes not. There were obvious mental health issues (anorexia) about which the parents were in some level of denial. And a high degree of âwell sheâs seeing a therapist right now so itâs all goodâ kind of magical thinking. As if nobody has ever lied to a doctor or a therapist. And a tendency to downplay an anxiety disorder as âshe had a panic attack but itâs over and now sheâs all betterâ.
Every single one of these families wishes that a friend, roommate, coworker, boss, or romantic partner had âoverreactedâ and discriminated against their child. Every single one of these families has prayed for a do-over; a chance to notice and react, an opportunity to sit down with a roommate and say âthank you for your concernâ.
My heart goes out to you, OP but you are DEFINITELY worried about the wrong things right now. You have a bunch of misdirected anger, and your outrage over the âdiscriminationâ is entirely misplaced. There have been dozens of lawsuits against colleges for not having reacted ENOUGH and having a kid kill themselves on college grounds, in dorms, labs, etc. So in addition to the millions of dollars of payouts that make the newspapers, there are the millions of dollars of settlements that go along with a non-disclosure agreement that we donât hear about.
But the human tragedy is paramount. A college canât look into a crystal ball and determine which kid is joking about suicide, which kid makes vague references to âIâm tired of all of this and wish I could check outâ, vs. which kid is truly experiencing suicidal ideation with a concrete plan to kill him or herself. They donât know- and neither do you.
Consider this entire experience a wonderful wake up call. You are one of the lucky ones. And donât make the friends feel guilty or feel the need to apologize to your daughter for caring about her. They are not mental health professionals who can distinguish between a joke, someone who has had too much to drink and needs to sleep it off, and someone who has dangerously had something to drink while on medication who should not be drinking- AT ALL- and might be in danger. Itâs not fair to blame a bunch of college kids.
Ask anyone whose kid HAS killed themselves successfully.
Have you consider if now is the time for your daughter to take a break. Our daughter had anxiety issues and decided to finish the semester. While she succeeded, it was the worst decision we ever made. Out of inexperience, we severely underestimated the impact that this mental illness takes and the time needed to get in under control. Maybe your daughter needs a break or to lighten her load. Hopefully, her therapist can give you the guidance you need to determine if this even needs to be considered.
Roommate made a mistake which is causing harm to your child. Call an attorney who specializes in mental health and have them reach out to the school. I think a short letter underlining the situation and asking that your daughter be placed back in regular housing will be easy to implement. In addition, I would have the attorney contact the school to get the written information regarding mental health and housing.
Maybe as a veiled threat, but actually doing this would be the wrong move IMO. First work with the school and stay on top of them, and then threaten legal action if no progress is made. The problem is the OP description of the number of police and doctors involved, and then the several days delay before returning to school. All of this paints a picture of something far beyond âa mistakeâ.
The OP said her child was scheduled to graduate in just a few weeks. Getting a lawyer will slow things down.
Thatâs why I suggested presenting the school with a plan that everyone can live with. A therapy schedule, check ins at days or times when there is no therapy, a living situation that is safe.
I do feel the caption that the school is âdiscriminatingâ against the student is incorrect. The school is treating her the same as it would any student who had a psychiatric hold.
Parents do tend to be in denial. We had a young man stay with us for a couple of months. We knew he had a mental illness, but he seemed to be doing well. Then one morning, without going into details, we had to call 911 when he threatened suicide. We told him he couldnât stay with us any more, because he needed more help than we could provide. When we heard he was going to stay with mutual friends, I felt obligated to tell them that he was suicidal. His mom was furious - âYou told them that S is suicidal! How could you do that?â âUh, because he did blank and said blank?â âThat was just a cry for help - he wouldnât have gone through with it!â Sigh.