Help: my college kid is discriminated for having a mental illness in an elite school

Parents Forum
21

@MaineLonghorn Thank you for posting that. It is terrible that families have to suffer the double tragedy of losing someone and then feeling blamed for not intervening. Its simply wrong.

Even when there are “signs” after the fact, the truth is that millions of people exhibit those same “signs” all the time and don’t kill themselves. Its just so easy to cherry pick the few indications in retrospect and assume you could have done something. The truth is that everyone is morbid sometimes, everyone gets tired and feels apathetic sometimes, everyone makes jokes in poor taste. It is patently unfair to retroactively imply that people could have made a difference.

22

We got a call from a college over winter break because they entered S’s room and found his meds (he had more at home, so had left these at school), a couple of bottles of alcohol (he was 21 and did not drink much, but yes, he knew drinking and his meds did not mix) and Dr. Strangelove & Inglorious Basterds posters on the wall. He’s into military history, but this was right after Sandy Hook and I think the combination of things alarmed them. They were sufficiently concerned that they called me mid-break to ask how S was doing.

Therapy on campus was virtually non-existent. Kids got referred out to local providers, which only works if you have good insurance, the provider will work around class schedules, and the kid will actually get on a bus/train/walk there. He was also seeing a therapist off campus, so there was someone up there who had a finger on S’s pulse if something was seriously wrong, but blossom is right – the counselor only knows what he/she is told.

Earlier in winter break, S admitted he was feeling very depressed, and was not getting coursework done, but felt he was safe. He had already asked to come home for a term, so when the school called, we already had plans in place. He took a leave (non-medical) and the school had no problems about him returning in the fall.

Found a counselor here, focused on getting exercise and self-care, and he tried a class at a nearby college, but wound up dropping it. We had hoped if he got through the class, he would still be able to graduate on time, because it was a sequential class in his major offered once a year. It was a mistake on my part to push that. With the benefit of several years’ hindsight, I think he should have stayed out of school longer, but it seemed like he’d never get off the couch and finish if he continued to live with us. He did graduate, a year later.

He’s now doing well, working and living on his own. He considers it “adulting lite” because he’s not doing something directly career-related, but I am thrilled. He can be whatever he wants – I just want him safe, happy and alive.

23

I appreciate all of your input. Believe me, a part of me just want to take her out of school completely just to get her away from this situation which she expressed to everyone is the thing that causes her anxiety now.
In spite of 3 -4 psychiatrist who has alternately seen her for this past weeks and 2 psychotherapist findings that all agree that she has responded well to her treatment and medicine and strongly suggest not to alter her normal routine and schooling. I have decided to stay with her for the past week out of caution and to observe her. (I am a health professional but I know it doesnt matter)Her routine is going to classes, exercsing, going out with friends to the mall and movies while balancing her somewhat therapy sessions per week.
In spite of all this, I just want to spare her from all the anxiety from the school issues.

On the other hand, my husband and I fear we will be the reason that she’d lose all the rwcovery that she and her doctors claim.

I am so lost but I really appreciate all the input and I am taking all the opinions seeiously.
Our priority is herher safety and wellbeing.

24

I apologize for all the typo, I couldn’t find my reading glasses.

25

OP, if you haven’t already, I urge you to google “NAMI,” the name of your state, and “Family to Family Class.” NAMI offers free, 12-week classes for people who have loved ones with mental illness. The classes are taught by people in the same boat. I am teaching one myself right now. You get a ton of great information, tools, problem-solving strategies, etc. The word that I hear most often to describe it is “lifesaving.” Here is a link that describes the class: https://www.nami.org/find-support/nami-programs/nami-family-to-family

26

Best to everyone on this board who has a loved one with mental illness. I think you all seem to know far more than anyone else. I can’t imagine the worry you face. OP, as long as your daughter is safe and sound that is really all that matters. After reading these posts, I feel like there are issues I cannot even imagine. And safety does seem to trump any other issue.

27

@MaineLonghorn I will check out NAMI. For sure.Thank u!

Update:Just spoke to our daughter, suggested she take a medical leave just to get away from all this.
Reminded her that her old job from back home is willing to take her back anytime. She used to teach ballet to the little kids.
She said she understands the gravity of what has happened and the pain she has caused us and apologized over and over again.
She knows medical leave is always an option but feels that she doesn’t need it in this situation.
She is still hopeful that the school can see all the documentations/proofs and will be fair to her in the end. So we will wait and see

Thank you so much for all the comments and help. I feel somewhat better today after venting here and hearing all of your valued opinions.

28

Sadly, this is the sort of thing that your daughter is likely to encounter in her life. Part of her therapy should include how to deal with how medical situation is perceived, and how to not socially interact or bring up her conditions in a way that can cause her problems she does not want to face.

That her roommate and friends had her committed during a drunken joke session could have, should have been mitigated by a mea culpa from them once the consequences happened. That this did not happen is an issue to consider. These friends are not capable of being supportive, IMO, as they are weak and do not want to take responsibility in relating exactly what happened and why.

Yes, this is a wake up call. IMO, a young person trying to deal with mental illness is going to be far more challenged living in a college environment than being at home, taking some college courses and getting therapy. DBT is an option to be explored. She’s got the time now to do this without a lot of pressure on her. I think trying to get this sort of help at a residential college is just about impossible. Lots of temptations, social and academic stresses there. Little support. I would insist on my child taking a medical leave of absence in such a situation.

29

@chocaddict , you are doing the right thing by staying with her. Is there any way you can continue to do so until the end of the semester? I’m asking because my daughter was in a very similar situation her senior year, and I had to drive down to stay with her every week almost until graduation, at the request of her doctor.

In retrospect, I really wish we had just brought her home to get stronger, but she was desperate to graduate with her class. It was a truly horrible semester.

I do think her roommate did the right thing, even though it did not feel that way from your D’s perspective. Panic attacks are scary to watch, and even joking about suicide or violence should be taken seriously. Your D’s roommate really was showing kindness to her.

The school’s perspective is simply this: they don’t want a kid to kill herself on their watch. They protect themselves by sending her off campus. It sounds unfair and heartless, but they put their reputation above all else. It’s just a fact of life.

30

Your initial post is confusing. It sounds like your daughter was only diagnosed 6 weeks ago. Was it then she said life wasn’t worth living or was that before? A couple of weeks ago she had a panic attack that a friend witnessed, and last week the friend was present when she made drunken references/sarcastic jokes about something that caused her to fear for your daughter’s safety.

If she’s still having panic attacks, is mixing medicine with alcohol, and making what appear to be alarming comments maybe she does need a medical leave. Six weeks seems like a really short time to go from the depths of mental illness to 80-90% better.

31

So sorry this is happening in your family. However, I, too, find your initial post confusing. Was she diagnosed during this semester and only 6 weeks ago? Was she at school during the diagnosis and treatment? Is she scheduled to graduate in May? Has she had suicidal ideation or a plan? If all this was going on with her being at school and not taking a leave, with the meds kicking in quickly that would be somewhat atypical. I agree that at this point, the concern really needs to be on your dd’s mental health, not on graduation. But I can also understand that a kid that is feeling OK with only a couple of months to graduation would want to stay. Can you visit her and will she allow you to talk to the therapist? I would really want to get a clear picture from someone other than my kid.

I have to disagree with Blossom as I unfortunately know two families for which their child’s death by suicide was a complete shock. Even looking back, there was only very subtle signs that suicide was planned. I just saw a story today on the news about a HS girl that died by suicide and what she presented to the world and her family masked her depression and suicidal thoughts.

The vast majority of people who are depressed do NOT commit suicide. It is exceedingly difficult to know if a depressed person is suicidal. If counselors were able to do so, a lot of suicides could be prevented and clearly that is not happening.

I agree that the friends were likely acting out of an abundance of caution and should not be blamed. What your dd told you she said and what they heard may be different. The schools really have to take these reports very seriously to protect the student. Your top priority is to make sure your dd is mentally healthy.

32

If she was diagnosed a month and a half ago, and is making jokes that concern peers, maybe you should consider that a leave would be a good idea. One of mine had leaves due to medical issues and it was a blip looking back. We have no idea what actually happened, but instead of criticizing schools, I think it is possible to see their policies as potentially life-saving (and yes I know liability is their concern).

As for the article on Ivies, I have seen Harvard, for one, stick by students with serious mental health issues. There are many wonderful people working there. But also they like to keep their graduation rate high :slight_smile:

33

If she is close to graduation, is there a chance she could move home and send in papers? Perhaps take an extension or two, so graduate a little late. It makes me nervous that she will have so much time away from you, at classes, the mall, etc.

34

Imagine your daughter had some issues. She said she wanted to self-harm. Her roommate did not call 911. Your daughter did self-harm. Then you would be asking why didn’t the roommate say anything since she knew your daughter had a mental illness and mentioned self-harm. Or you would be asking why the Uni didn’t do anything.

If someone “sarcastically” says something about self-harm after having being diagnosed with a mental illness to the point they were talking about life is not worth living, you BET they should call 911 just in case, drunk or not. You BET the University would want to make sure she is under medical/parent care and not by her self in the dorms.

Will this be a pain? Yes…but a pain with your daughter still here. Will she eventually get through this? yes.
Do not blame the roommate or the Uni. Be glad they are looking out for your daughter.

35

Another option:

I am not sure if she is close enough to the end to be able to take some incompletes…maybe she could concentrate on some courses and defer finishing up some.

36

If she is scheduled to graduate this spring, is there a way you can take FMLA and be with her for the next few weeks? It would give you a chance to observe the pressures she’s under and help steer her through her remaining time at school. Then, when she graduates, bring her home and let her have a nice break, get some additional therapy, and start preparing for life beyond college.

I don’t think the roommate necessarily overreacted. It could have been a different turn of events that could have been more devastating. However, since the professionals who know her best have cleared her, I do think the school is overreacting a bit in its decision to push her off campus.

37

A whole bunch of different issues are being jumbled up here:

The roommate’s (and other friends’) behavior: Was it a “mistake” or not? It really doesn’t matter, It happened. It could easily happen again, too. It is not easy being the roommate of a friend who is mentally ill. The roommate may have overreacted, the roommate may have made a reasonable judgment in terms of a cost-benefit analysis, or the roommate may have overreacted sort of on purpose because the situation was stressing her out and calling 911 got her relief for weeks, and counting.

Nonetheless, there’s an important point here. The OP and her daughter have as a primary goal getting back to the “normal” college dorm living situation. But that situation may no longer exist, whatever the college does. If the daughter’s presence makes her roommates uncomfortable – whether or not they admit that, even to themselves – then going back into the dorm and into that room may not make anyone better off. I may be wrong about this, but I suspect focusing on getting back into the dorm is completely the wrong focus.

The college administration’s behavior: The college bureaucracy is acting defensively. Butts are being covered. In other breaking news, the sun will rise in the East tomorrow.

Is the college discriminating against a student with an illness? Sure. If you want to sue, be my guest. But I would gladly place a number of bets – Protocols are being followed, carefully. Those protocols have been developed by people whose job it is to protect the college from things like discrimination claims. Suing, or even threatening to sue, will provoke the college into even more defensive action. It will take years and hundreds of thousands of dollars to get to the point where a court would even rule substantively on the question whether the college’s protocols were appropriate or not. Going the litigation route would be a selfless thing the OP could do for future students in her daughter’s predicament. Even if it succeeds, it will do nothing for her daughter except make her a professional litigant for a few years.

Is the daughter at risk of harming herself?: This is a really important question. According to the OP, a whole bunch of professionals are saying “no.” That’s wonderful news.

But I, too, know families who were completely unprepared for their adult children’s suicides. It wasn’t because they were unaware of their children’s mental illness or in denial about its severity. It was because they thought it was being managed successfully, with lots of therapy and lots of medication and complete, enthusiastic cooperation. It had been years – not months, not weeks, really years and years – since there had been any known attempt at self-harm. Things were going great.

Should the daughter finish college and graduate ASAP?: This is really the only question where the OP can have any meaningful input. If the daughter is really only a couple of months from finishing college, and it’s not going to interfere with her treatment, I would lean to getting college over with now, and then focusing on some stable situation for continuing treatment and learning how to manage her condition.

If trying to deal with college is making things more difficult for the daughter, then by all means prioritize her health over finishing college. That’s not even a close call. However, my mentally ill college roommate was able to hold it together well enough to graduate on time, and he slid into a federal government job with unparalleled psychiatric benefits that served him very well in the long run. College was an inherently unstable environment for him. I wished at the time his parents would get him the hell out of there for a few years. However, realistically his life was improved enormously in the medium- and long-term by finishing college, putting it behind him, and starting to work on building a stable adult life elsewhere.

38

Because multiple medical specialists have very recently determined that your daughter is not at risk of engaging in self harm, an attorney should be able to get immediate help (injunctive type equitable relief) for a small fee (maybe a low as a few thousand dollars). Unfortunately, engaging in a legal battle may create additional stress for your daughter. Might be best to hire an attorney to communicate with the school without initiating any legal action in a court.

39

As you mull over the advice here, some things to consider:

Does your daughter have a professional support system outside the school? This can be a local therapist or a therapist that she can skype with. Most schools have extremely limited support service. Great for crisis but not treatment.

How much support can you realistically provide? If necessary could you bring her home every weekend to help her cope if necessary? Can you spend hours daily on the phone if needed?

Is everything really in control or is she holding things together by a thread? Do you really know what is going on? This is not a mean comment. Young adults often do not want to admit they need help. They want to appear strong, in control and accomplished. Often it is not until after the storm that you find out how bad things really were.

I hope you understand that posts here are trying to be helpful. Many are trying to share what they wished they knew when they had these issues.

One last thought. You are so close to the finish line that the first instinct will be to push on. That very well could be the best option. Just make sure that you step back and look at all the options. Mental health trumps all other things.

40

Wow, lots of insight and perspective. It is definitely giving me a better understanding on how to deal with this.
I have been busy making arrangements for my daughter and I to fly home . She’s able to get done with her school work early for now.
She figured, she will just go home and spend time with the rest of the family and her good friends home for break. She said she doesn’t want to sulk in the hotel room anymore while waiting for their decision.

I was also able to make arrangements to stay in my cousin’s house (about 45 mins to an hr away from school ) so my daughter can stay with us for the rest of the yr IF she’s allowed back.
She is still thinking positive. . She said she is ready to bend backwards and however they want just to show them how committed she is.
So I think we are having another good day, just because I see her handling this way better than me.
I appreciate all of you who took the time to respond and help.