<p>i always though food/snacks were a good ice breaker. get some really good cookies from a bakery walk around the dorm and offer them.</p>
<p>ooops- itsv already said this</p>
<p>It’s hard. It takes time. You will be tied up in knots. </p>
<p>And … it’s normal. She will be fine. You will be fine (eventually!).</p>
<p>My D lived through it. I lived through it. </p>
<p>Hang in there!!</p>
<p>I am sending you hugs, so hard when our kids are not happy, but she will find her group. All she needs is one good friend, and the rest follows.</p>
<p>My daughter told me a cute story this weekend (she is a junior).
When they were freshmen, her friend called home and told her mother that she was having trouble making friends a few days into school. So the mother suggested the girl ask one person to do something with her. The next day, the friend walked up to my daughter and asked her if she wanted to go get smoothies. They have been friends ever since and roommates, too! So tell your daughter to take a chance and put herself out there. She may be happily surprised with the results.</p>
<p>Our children have been in the same school district since 2nd grade. In 10 years there have always been people they knew, groups they belonged to etc. New friends happened naturally as people were added to the groups they were part of. Now my oldest daughter is a freshman and is nervous about the whole making friends process. I agree with others that orientation week is not the place most are going to develop lasting relationships. It’s more like a short summer camp with hundreds if not thousands of people. The classes, study groups, organizations and dorms are the places you develop the relationships that will turn into friendships. Our daughter isn’t comfortable in large groups or making small talk. She is looking forward to the routine of classes and being involved so she can begin to feel part of a group again. The friends will come.</p>
<p>It is a really tough transition and hearing that your kid is not happy is so hard!
D is starting sophmore year in month(I know right?!) She gave her freshman bff advice “leave the door open and you will meet everyone in your hall”
bff calls crying-“My door is open but no one is coming in”
D “You can be the one to go into other people’s rooms and say Hi-”
Bff"oh- I thought I would watch netflicks and just wait for the new friends to find me"
D “wow”
they all figure it out- it is not easy though when your kid is struggling…hang in there-this too shall pass</p>
<p>I like Naviance’s idea. Just reach out to one person and ask them to do something. EVERYONE has not already made friends yet. Also, if you browse these boards you will see that she is not alone. This is very normal at this stage of the game.</p>
<p>DS is a junior this year, but I well remember him going off to school a week earlier before classes started for ‘orientation’, and he hated it. There were activities planned each day, but still, there was lots of down time, too much for him. And as others have said, your child goes from that fabulous senior year in high school to being low man/woman on the totem pole as a freshman in college. They sort of have to learn to ‘swim’ again. </p>
<p>I well remember being a nervous wreck about his transition from hs to college until about Christmas of that year! He’s my only child and lots of things gave me anxiety. One thing he was able to do was hang out in the RA’s room where there was a big screen TV, lots of seating and he left open most of the day. The guys would hang out in there, come and go, get to know each other. It was very casual. So I like the idea of her seeking out the RA just to hang out with till she makes a friend or two.</p>
<p>On that subject, maybe remind her that she doesn’t have to become friends with lots of people all at once. Just find a friendly face and make an acquaintance one at a time. It’s okay if you don’t come out like gangbusters right from the start. My son made friends a little at a time and it has worked out. Best wishes to both of you.</p>
<p>
It’s been my observation that the kids who had the largest and strongest group of friends in hs are sometimes the ones with the toughest adjustment to college. Everyone feels a bit out of their comfort zone for the first few weeks (or months) of college. They don’t know many people and have that unsettled “Do they like me? Do I like them? Do I fit in here?” feeling. For kids who always felt secure in their high school friendships, this brand-new feeling is even more unsettling. It feels “wrong.” They’re not used to it. </p>
<p>OTOH, for kids who endured more social problems/drama, who moved between friend groups or felt betrayed by a friend/group they trusted in hs, this feeling is not really new. Kids who can’t wait to leave high school behind are used to feeling a bit out of place or uncomfortable around people so feeling that way at college doesn’t upset them as much. Those kids, eager for a fresh start, are less likely to compare unfavorably the new people they meet to their old friends or to expect to immediately fit in with everyone. Their less comfortable experience in hs prepares them to deal with feeling that way in college.</p>
<p>It gets better for almost everyone eventually. It may take the OP’s D a few weeks or more to find “her” people, but odds are they’re there.</p>
<p>My experience and words of “wisdom” to my D constantly have been, she is a college Junior now, an International student and 7k miles away from home,</p>
<ol>
<li>Get out of your comfort zone.</li>
<li>Meet peple with an open mind, no biases/prejudice.</li>
<li>Give people some time before you rush into an opinion about them.</li>
<li>Join a club, more likely to meet like-minded people there.</li>
<li>Friendships always take time, do not be in a rush. Explore, Expand and be Inclusive.</li>
<li>Empathise and you will be surprised how alike we all are…</li>
<li>Adapt.</li>
</ol>
<p>And the thing is I never had the opportunity to be all this but my D has and so she needs to walk that extra step and make the effort and People skils/Survival skills, that is what going to college and away from home is all about. Academics is only a part of it.</p>
<p>Momma: I went through this last year!
DD tried everything (joining sports, clubs, activities and nothing initially worked!) and cried often. This was a very secure and active child in HS. We struggled a LOT for 2 months! I had to fly her home on Vet’s Day weekend.
What I found out:
-DD was placed in a triple with 2 girls who were friends from their HS. DD was 3rd wheel! They had different expectations of her: SO CAL kid so she must be blond, surfer-type with every other word spewing: “DUDE”! Nope, just a Nerdy athletic kid who played tennis.</p>
<p>-My DD is not a partier and didn’t drink, so she felt uncomfortable around people who were trying to act “Grown-up”. SOLUTION: DD joined a “interdenominational” club because they were very welcoming and kind and were of all levels (frosh, jr’s seniors, grads). This club met weekly over barbeque’s, picnics, bowling, Arcades, late night IN n OUT bites and they went out of their way to make the new kids feel welcome.</p>
<p>-DD was extremely lonely at meals and felt very uncomfortable sitting by herself (cried often). SOLUTION: Discovered the Commuter Lounge where everyone sat alone and had good coffee, pastries, newspapers, magazines, CNN, etc… </p>
<p>-DD HAD HORRIBLE RA’S! The minute the parents left, those two girls at Davis in WALL HALL, 3rd Floor, left, and do you think they ever learned my dd’s name by the end of the year, NO! I’m not slandering them. They know that they did wrong by their charges and I wrote the housing office but nothing was EVER done! SOLUTION: this was rough-she avoided going to the dorms except to sleep but the good thing is that because she was lonely, she went to every tutoring session on campus and ended up on Dean’s List! She also volunteered for every volunteer event which kept her busy and active.</p>
<p>This is very hard and I feel for you and your family answering those 1am phone calls!<br>
The only way for your daughter to avoid being alone is to go to the tutoring sessions, volunteer at the clinic or athletic department, or go to a weekly club that feeds her and feels right for her; she can also find the Commuter Lounge, buy a paper, order coffee-tea-smoothies-juices-bagel-pastry, watch CNN.</p>
<p>So sorry Aunt Bea- I hear you and relate on more than one level-it sounds as though your D made smart choices in not partying to “fit in” and joining the group along with volunteering were great ideas! Lucky you were there for her! The RA story is sadly true in many schools! So knowing that they turn a blind eye to the “rules” it is no wonder our kids feel they can’t seek out the RAs help…just out of curiousity, is your D returning? dorms again?</p>
<p>My D got texts and phone calls today from a friend who started as a freshman at NYU this week. Friend was sitting alone in her room feeling bad. School feels too big for her, suitemates like each other but not really her, etc. D texted and talked to her, then convinced her to go out on her hall to find people to go to dinner with. Which she did… guessing this is not the last D will hear about it, but it was a baby step.</p>
<p>Dreamer: dd is returning, but not to the dorms. Davis only guarantees freshman housing. She found others on her dorm floor, and from her HS, to room with off campus. Believe it or not the apartments are CHEAPER than the dorms! </p>
<p>Dorms were $12000 per year! Apartments with roommates are $400 per month. DD is happy now, but she realizes she had unrealistic expectations of RA’s. The RA’s on the 1st, 2nd, 4th floor were phenomenal!</p>
<p>I wouldn’t worry this early. Give it some time. I agree with Colorado_mom - hit the gym. Ask friends on the dorm floor to lunch or dinner. Just go along to get along through September. It ain’t nothin’ but a thing.</p>
<p>All the advice here is very good. Please be careful though. I was in a terrible living situation when I started college, from which it has been difficult to recover.</p>
<p>Gardenia, what should she be careful of? Bigger the risk, the bigger the reward!
Its early days and these things take time.
Your situation was very different which I hope you are getting counseling for.</p>
<p>I agree with Lafalum. She just needs to get her sea legs and soon I expect she will be in the middle of it ( if thats what she wants)
*It’s been my observation that the kids who had the largest and strongest group of friends in hs are sometimes the ones with the toughest adjustment to college. Everyone feels a bit out of their comfort zone for the first few weeks (or months) of college. They don’t know many people and have that unsettled “Do they like me? Do I like them? Do I fit in here?” feeling. For kids who always felt secure in their high school friendships, this brand-new feeling is even more unsettling. It feels “wrong.” They’re not used to it. *</p>
<p>Although the advice previously presented is very sound, I’m going to offer a different perspective. </p>
<p>Suggest to your daughter that she does things alone. What? Encourage her to be alone? She’ll never get friends! No. Not entirely, but encourage her to be comfortable with her being alone. Have her eat a meal by herself. Have her attend a campus activity alone. Have her explore the campus alone. It will create a confidence and independence within your daughter that when her newly met “fair-weather friends” aren’t around she won’t be compelled to stay in her dorm because she had no one to go with. </p>
<p>Many incoming students don’t understand that it’s okay to be alone and do things on your own. You don’t need someone to go with you.</p>
<p>That’s actually good advice, Niquii. </p>
<p>Last semester, my son had a creative writing class. An on-going assignment was for the students to take weekly “artist dates”. It meant you had to do something out of your comfort zone, by yourself. It could be things like go to restaurant and have a meal by yourself, order something you wouldn’t normally get, go to a movie alone (my son worked at a cinema for a summer and said it’s surprising how many people go to the movies by themselves), listen to a radio station that plays music you don’t normally listen to, walk a different path to work or school, shop at a store you’ve never been in before, take a drive to a new location. One student woke up in the middle of the night and decided to get out of bed and put away her Christmas decorations, something she wouldn’t normally do at that time of day. </p>
<p>And that’s what this was called, an “artist’s date”. The teacher said it helps get you in a different mindset, challenges you, helps clear your mind, breaks up the weekly routine. Now my son will tell me about something new and when I ask how he learned about it, he sometimes says, “artist’s date”. I have adopted these artist’s dates for myself as well to get out of ruts!</p>
<p>Btw, son is a business major but also in honors college which requires a few extra classes, and this was one of them. He learned so much through the course it was surprising to him and I.</p>
<p>Tell her to go out and meet some guys. Seriously, not to date… But to hang out with. They might not be as cliquey as the girls.</p>
<p>I couldn’t stand most of the girls in my freshman dorm.</p>
<p>She needs to go meet people outside of there.</p>
<p>Did they have an activity fair, maybe she can find a club.</p>