Help ... My Daughter Hates her College!

<p>Question: My daughter is one week into a college that is five hours from home, and she’s not happy. Are we better off pulling her out now and getting our 80% back and letting her just apply to a local college in January or finish out the semester there and then make a decision for [...]</p>

<p>View</a> the complete Q&A at CC's Ask The Dean...</p>

<p>It’s her decision. I honestly think that as a parent of a college freshman your ability to access her situation is pretty much out the window at this point. I find myself in a somewhat similar situation as your daughter, that I am more than fine academically but do not like the social aspects of my school, but I am definitely sticking it out until I transfer unless I end up liking this place more.</p>

<p>Although the daughter should be at the epicenter of this decision, there is a financial component that is definitely within the parental purview. Ideally, too, the parents can help the daughter weigh the pros and cons of staying at a college where she feels she doesn’t fit versus returning home. Keep in mind that most of her friends and classmates will be elsewhere, so she may find that returning home isn’t a good fit either.</p>

<p>Since this potential return home could have a significant effect on the family dynamic–as well as on the finances-the parents should get a voice in the verdict.</p>

<p>If it were my kid they most likely would be told to give it a chance for a full semester and then we’ll talk about taking a gap semester or transferring. There are a bunch of reasons for this approach … one to get our money’s worth out of the semester …and more importantly to give our kid enough time to give the school a legit chance. I would also like to understand the reason for my child’s being so unhappy … and is it general going away to college stuff (which changing schools is not likely to change) or is it school specific … to me most kids lists we see on CC tend to be general complaints (miss home, miss BF/GF, too many people drink, don’t like my roommate, haven’t made any friends yet, etc) … if they articulate school specific reasons then I’m much more open to changing schools and possibly aborting a semester. (There is one huge caveat … if my kid is showing any signs of serious emotional distress because of the situation (depression or suicidal thoughts) then all bets are off and doing whatever needs to be done will be done).</p>

<p>3togo–If you read the entire “Ask the Dean” question and answer, you’ll see that this young woman seems to like her new school academically but feels that she doesn’t fit in with the other students–a big party crowd.</p>

<p>So there don’t seem to be signs of emotional distress or any other huge flags that might suggest that major intervention is warranted. That’s why I felt that the student should give the school more time and make a concerted effort to find like-minded others. It’s very common for freshmen to panic in the initial weeks of school, worrying that “There’s no one like me here,” when, in fact, it just takes some time to connect with the soul mates.</p>

<p>The other thing to keep in mind is that students tend to “give the drama to the mama”. In other words, the D in question is only calling her mother to complain, or when D is feeling down. </p>

<p>Chances are, once D gets off the phone and gets busy doing something, she is not miserable. It’s only been a week…too early to be thinking about leaving / transferring.</p>

<p>(We went through this with D1. She was not a happy camper for the first couple of weeks. Same types of complaints – weekends were the worst. I would listen, let her vent, and then try to move the conversation to the good things D was encountering. Little by little the sad phone calls dwindled, eventually D1 settled in and found her groove.)</p>

<p>Hi…I haven’t experienced this, but, as a parent, I can imagine how difficult it would be to decide what to do. I saw a post a while ago with info I thought might help. Someone posted that their daughter went through something like this and that it was worst for the first month. They noted that many kids that lived within a couple hours often went home on the weekends at first (especially the non-party crowd), but after a couple weeks, more of them started to stay on campus on weekends, so there were more like-minded people for her daughter to socialize with. I have concerns about the same issue for my daughter (who hasn’t started college yet) but it occurs to me that if this is a fairly common concern/complaint, then there MUST be a pretty fair size group of kids that don’t want to party. It seems it just may be more difficult to find them. Hope things work out for your daughter!</p>

<p>Salley fair enough. I was a non-drinker, non-partier, non-frat person at college and was pretty shy so things started pretty slow for me socially. Eventually I figured out that after “everyone” went out drinking/partying there actually were a bunch of folks left behind in the dorm who were likely to be more interested in the things I was interested in … it did take me longer but I did find my tribe eventually. If after a semester my kid still hasn’t found friends I’d be Ok with starting to talk about transferring for sophomore year … but I would not be keen on my kids quitting after a couple weeks because of not finding friends yet.</p>

<p>I actually have the same problem… I love the academic aspects of my school but i don’t like the social interaction here. Mine’s a party school and i don’t have many friends that go here so i may transfer in the spring. I think what will help is if you daughter goes to the college for a semester and pulls out in spring. The first two week of college may seem hard but your mindset may change afterwards. She should make friends who are of the same major and interact with them in studying or just having fun. Making friends is extremely important! If she still hates hates that college after the first month or so, she can start applying to colleges that you are sure you want to go to or go to a community college. The first two years aren’t important as the last two but as always do what you feel is best.</p>

<p>Good response by the Dean. This is a recurring topic.</p>

<p>Not everyone parties - it may seem like it but some effort can be made to find the non-partiers. They may be those doing research as undergraduates or working a work-study or part-time job or involved with clubs.</p>

<p>I like the idea of deciding on whether any good would come out of completing the semester IF the D never adjusts (e.g will grades tank and make her a poor candidate for transfer). It also depends on whether the credits the D is earning are likely to transfer to another institution. I guess I would try to distinguish between homesickness and really hating the place she is at. </p>

<p>If the student has the ability to go elsewhere for a weekend, or a series of weekends, that may give her time to regroup, and find kindred spirits during the week.</p>

<p>Sally,
you made an excellent point when you mentioned that the unhappy student’s friends were no longer at home.</p>

<p>Sometimes a student having a hard time making the social adjustment to college romanticizes what life would be like if she went back home, because she remembers all the good times she had in high school.etc.</p>

<p>When the student gets home…even if it’s been just a few weeks…life has moved on. Many friends are now away at their own colleges, and not at home. Students who remained in town also have started new phases in their lives…if they are going to school more locally, they are now already entrenched in classes/jobs, etc.</p>

<p>Going home is not going to be like high school where everyone is done with class at 3 and then goes and does an EC together, or goes to hang at someone’s house.</p>

<p>The suggestions other posters have made about walking down the floor when the partiers are out, going to a couple of different kinds of club/volunteer activities, are excellent suggestions. A lonely student could even go to the library on a Thursday night to see who is there …sit near someone approachable looking, and maybe strike up a conversation…maybe later suggest taking a study break or getting coffee when the library closes, whatever.</p>

<p>I would strongly suggest having her stay there through this year, at least, unless her problems with the school are quite serious. It’s not uncommon for students to have a tough time adjusting to college (especially since college is held up as the be all and end all of high schoolers’ lives in this country). I had a very tough time adjusting to college, and I almost tranferred at the end of my freshman year. Most of my issues came from not being able to find a social circle. However, I found one at the beginning of sophomore year, and ended up loving the rest of my time in college. </p>

<p>So please encourage her to stick it out for at least this year. If she’s still this unhappy by June, reexamine whether she’s in the right place.</p>

<p>Excellent ideas & observations, especially regarding the fact that the students friends won’t be at home. I am the advisor to the foreign exchange students at our school. The vast majority love it & profess that it is the best year of their lives. However when many come back to visit in following years, they find it to be not as great as they remembered, mainly because it isn’t the same group of people, doing the same things, at the same stage of their lives as when they were in their american year of high school.</p>

<p>Remind the student that lots of kids “overdo” at the beginning as they try to fit in and find friends and explore being away from home. The whole party scene calms down within a couple of months. Plus freshmen get to meet kids in the dorm first, then in classes, then outside of classes in clubs and activities and around campus. This all takes time. It takes time to find your way freshman year. Give it at least one semester, would be my advice, esp. if you like your classes.</p>

<p>Lots of good advice above. Remember that you can make suggestions, but while she likely should hang in there for at least this semester, you should also resist swooping in to “fix” it. She should talk with her RA, look for activities that sound fun to her, even trying out some new ones (where she is more likely to find some like minded folks) and definitely NOT hole up in her dorm with the door closed. Have her have a set time to talk to you once or twice a week can relieve some of her and your tension about things, (and help you watch out for her becoming depressed or withdrawn). My daughter told me once in HS, when I told her that her negative attitude was likely part of her feeling like the world was horrible, that actually she was just more that way talking to me as she knew I was a “safe zone” that she could vent. That perspective has helped those type of chats be easier for us both, and made me worry less. Hopefully you will find in a few weeks she needs to “reschedule” her chat time with you because she is too busy with other friends and activities!</p>

<p>The above suggestion finding activities with like-minded people is SO important, especially if your daughter is at all unusual in her interests. Finding the radio kids (ie the ones who like the “old” music I do, and who would rather dance at parties than get drunk) was a lifesaver for me in college. So encourage your daughter to find people who share her passions, whatever they might be! You might find that she calls you up a week later, raving about how cool her new friends are! :)</p>

<p>One week into college I would also ask if you daughter might simply be homesick??? One week isn’t nearly enough time to makes friends and decide a college isn’t right for you. She is most likely on her own for the first time and perhaps there aren’t a number of others who are attending this college that she knew in high school. I would try to be supportive and help her understand that everyone has an adjustment period when they first start college. Even at so-called ‘party’ schools, everyone does not enjoy doing exactly the same things in their free time. </p>

<p>She needs to take time to get accustomed to the routine of college life and seek out friends who have things in common with her. Making a decision to quit after only 1 week would not be my recommendation.</p>

<p>Many students have an adustment period. </p>

<p>These days, FaceBook may be making thigs worse…kids read enthusiastic posts from their very-happy-college friends. But likely there are many neutral or still-adjusting friends that aren’t posting. So it appears that “everybody else” is happy.</p>

<p>Not an uncommon problem, here’s the student perspective:
<a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/college-life/1210497-regret-my-decision-come-college-im-so-lost-please-help-me.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/college-life/1210497-regret-my-decision-come-college-im-so-lost-please-help-me.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;