Help! My kid wants to go to college next year--but he's so not ready.

Parents Forum
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<p>In our experience, the most important thing I would recommend would be to keep him close. When our not-ready-for-college son graduated from HS, we sent him 10 hours away and it was a disaster. What probably would have been the ideal place for him (in hindsight, Fairleigh Dickinson) was too close! Oh, the irony. After taking several steps backwards, then proceeding cautiously forward, he has his 2 year associates degree from community college and will soon get his 4 yr degree from the nearby (25 minute drive) university. He is living in an apartment next to campus. </p>

<p>We found it very important to be nearby. We don’t make un-announced trips to campus, so he lives totally independently, but if something comes up we can be there or he can be here in 25 minutes.</p>

<p>And more irony - I went to big state university about 40 minutes from home. I took it for granted, but occasionally came home with my laundry.</p>

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<p>Whoops, this ended up on the wrong thread. Mod feel free to delete!</p>

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<p>Have you checked into colleges for kids with ADHD such as Landmark or Beacon. He would then have the support in place if he had the motivation to do the work in his classes? Or a “regular” university with strong ADHD support such as the SALT program at Arizona State University? I have also read that Colorado College is good fro ADHD students with it’s block scheduling - not so many classes to worry about at once. Also, there is the option of hiring an ADHD coach to help keep your son on track. The Edge Foundation has ADHD coaches for kids just starting college. Hope this helps!</p>

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<p>Correction - The SALT program is at the University of Arizona (not Arizona State University).</p>

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<p>So, maybe not college. If he doesn’t seem to enjoy academics in HS, will he begin to enjoy and succeed in them in college?
How about the trades? Certificate programs via Community colleges?
Does he have friends who are NOT going away to college? Maybe they could share an apt or house and that would satisfy son’s need for independence while pursuing some program?
Just some ideas.</p>

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<p>The kids I know with similar ADHD/learning disabilities/low high school grades/immaturity issues who have had the best success with college were the ones who have lived at home and gone to community college for a full two years and then transferred to a medium sized instate public fairly close to home. They have worked very hard and have graduated in four or five years, with decent grades.</p>

<p>The kids I know (even those without ADHD or LD issues) who have had the worst outcomes after high school are the ones who talked their parents into believing in their ability to suddenly turn things around far from home at a four year college or university. These are the kids who have a history of lower grades than expected. Low grades and underachievement doesn’t tend to just suddenly change overnight, despite the temper tantrums and promises they make. These are the kids who have flamed out spectacularly in one semester, or who ended up having to dig themselves out of academic probation, or who returned home to attend community college anyway.</p>

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<p>What about an in- state cc that isn’t local? My friend has a d that sound a lot like your S. Not too stellar grades and a low ACT (think mid-teens). She wants to go to college. Mom and Dad would like to see what she can do, but don’t want to make a huge financial commitment. She will be going to a cc a few hours away and living on-campus. The cost for a semester is an amount the parents feel comfortable risking. The girl gets the “college experience”. </p>

<p>Ccs also offer technical training, a good option for many kids not so fond of school/studying.</p>

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<p>“The kids I know … who have had the worst outcomes after high school are the ones who talked their parents into believing in their ability to suddenly turn things around far from home at a four year college or university.”</p>

<p>Yeah, me to. Adopted ADHD son of a friend: five courses, five F’s freshman year at a distant (and non-competitive) 4-year university. He’s in CC now, but his freshman year classmates have already graduated.</p>

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<p>As mominaz suggested, look at schools like this: [Landmark</a> College | The college of choice for students with learning disabilities and/or ADHD](<a href=“http://www.landmark.edu/]Landmark”>http://www.landmark.edu/)</p>

<p>I know a family who sent their son here and it worked wonders.</p>

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<p>This all sounds very familiar. My son is now a freshman at a CC. He’s angry because all of his friends got to go away to college even if they were bad students. DS is not a bad student; he is just lazy. His only ambition is to beat his high score in a video game. I told him he has to earn the right to go away to school. So far he is not doing it. He made no effort first quarter and got a 2.0. My problem i don’t know what to do at the end of the year when it is clear he didn’t earn it. I have told him before I am going to pack up his video games so he develops other interests, and he says he will go live with his dad then, which might be a good alternative for him but I am not sure (the step kids are favored and my kids have to sleep on couch). Yes, I know he is manipulating me, but I am so in the middle of it that I can’t think clearly.</p>

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<p>Susan64–see this is where I have a problem with “making kids earn the right to go off to college” and now you are talking about grounding him from video games. When does the responsibility become HIS? Let him follow through on his threat. At some point you DO need to let them grow up. </p>

<p>I copied this from another thread that I posted this on and it applies here too:</p>

<p>One thing I have come to realize with my sons, and my DH, is that they aren’t social in the same way women are social…unless they have a very social girlfriend, and even then they are doing that to be with the girl. They are perfectly content with the social interaction they get at school and in their activities and if they come home in the evening and watch tv, that is just fine with them. If someone suggests getting together to sit around and watch tv, that is ok too.</p>

<p>Our 2.7 son is very bright. It was very frustrating to see him waste his high school years “just” getting by. If he liked a class or even a particular topic in class, he would ace everything. He’s a history buff and his teacher would play class Jeopardy as chapter reviews before tests and the teams would be my DS against the rest of the class. He got all A’s in all of the AP History classes. I think he missed 5 points, ever, in 5 years…then there were the rest of his classes.</p>

<p>He went to college for a year, paid for most of it on his own, one small loan. We bought his books-so about $500 is all we paid for him. That was the deal, get the GPA to sustain your college career and we will pay you back. He didn’t do that. His loss.</p>

<p>He now has a good paying job, not great, but about average salary for a college grad in a good company. He is up for his first promotion and after that they are looking to place him in a position that starts at $90,000 (computer tech job doing I’m not exactly sure what). They are going to send him to some classes to get some computer certifications or something and you know what, he loves his job. He is saving to buy a house, which he should be able to do in early fall, he has met with our financial planner and is getting a jump start on his retirement accounts because he has the extra cash to do that now. He does come home from work and plays video games most evenings, but he goes out with friends one or two days/week as well. Quite honestly, this is as happy as we have seen him in a LONG time. He just does NOT like school.</p>

<p>We had a hard time coming to grips with that because we didn’t understand how you could not like school. DH and I loved school, our other two (younger siblings) love school, are very engaged, can hardly wait for college…but that is not our oldest and while it took us a long time, and DH isn’t quite all there yet, we have accepted that about him. We will see what the future holds for him but for now, it looks pretty good.</p>

<p>This is not the path we would have chosen for him…but it’s the path HE chose for himself.</p>

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<p>Your son sounds a bit like my younger son. No ADHD issues, but immaturity and living in the moment. He is a senior and just this year is buckling down and getting good grades. He says he wishes he could go back to freshman year and do over. All his friends are on the honor roll and are going away to college. It has been hard for him, but he really showed maturity when this month he decided to go to a CC for 2 years and then transfer, rather than the one 4 year college that accepted him. The CC will be about 2 hrs away, so he will be getting an apartment(it is a big college city) which we both agreed would be a growing experience for him. I think the hardest part for him was the feeling that he wanted to live away from home, and I feel the CC will give him the opportunity for success.</p>

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<p>I agree that if you can afford it, finding an enticing gap year sounds like your best option. Despite the desire to drop French a year in a French speaking country, might be a good thing. When you are just studying ONE thing the experience is quite different than the usual high school experience of way too much busy work in a million different subjects. I also think those one course at a time colleges might appeal to him. </p>

<p>In any event, I’d certainly make paying for college contingent on his grades if you don’t want to fight with him about sending him to community college.</p>

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<p>Gap year in this case might not be productive at all. However, I know some boys in similar situations who’ve done a 5th HS year at a private college prep, to improve grades and study habits. Several boarding schools offer such programs; it’s expensive, but less expensive than a lackluster or even failed college year. These programs have a clear mission: more maturity, less drama. I suspect most community colleges have little “safety net” for an immature student w/poor study skills, and their dropout rates (at least here) tend to be very high.</p>

<p>If he has an IEP and formal diagnoses, look into colleges (4-yr and 2-yr) that participate in federal TRIO program, which is a student retention program that includes LD students. There’s a wide range of colleges that participate, for lowly to highly-regarded. TRIO provides an extra layer of student monitoring and guidance.</p>

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<p>the way i see it: he’s not ready. Grade-wise, stress-level, and maturity. Going off to college represents a lot of things: it’s the “normal” sequence, 4 years before “reality” steps in, dorms, parties, frats, girls, trips, etc. BUT it also means more school. It really doesn’t sound like your son is ready for more of that. </p>

<p>Another thing, professors are serious and have no patience with a kid who claims studying gives him stress. He might have adequately managed his ADHD in hs, but that doesn’t matter at all in college. He has to pick a major, fulfill requirements, stick to deadlines, balance schoolwork (even if mom isn’t watching) and start thinking about what he’ll be doing once he graduates. There’s really a lot for kids to figure out, especially those kids who can barely manage “average” grades in high school.</p>

<p>I do not suggest a CC, those around here at least, because he still won’t necessarily begin to learn study skills (since he’ll still be living at home, so it’ll be different from going away). Instead, that just puts him in a holding pattern. Also most CC don’t have good counseling and offer those “soft” skills that students need to learn.</p>

<p>Instead, I support your gap idea. Help him find a place where he’ll get to have some adventure, some volunteering, some working.</p>

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<p>“He says he can’t study hard because it causes him stress and stress is bad.”</p>

<p>To me, this screams “Time to sit down with the IEP team and find out what is going on.”</p>

<p>If your son weren’t operating at his current level, you would be working right now with the rest of his IEP to finalize his post-high-school transition plan. They can help you with this. They have seen this situation before, and they will have ideas. You do not have to do this on your own. Pick up the phone. Call the guidance office and/or resource teacher, and schedule a meeting.</p>

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<p>Well I have been in your shoes and your story motivated me to make my first comment on CC in 3 years!</p>

<p>I have a S who is a freshman in college. Diagnosed with ADHD his Soph year of high school. He had very minor almost no accomodations. I am a pretty tough cookie and did all things people are telling you to do. Conseqences, rewards, etc but I was scared to death that if he did not get in the college environment he would get into real trouble, he is definitely a partier. He’s a smart kid, 28 ACT, but was not interested in doing homework at all and graduated with a 2.5. His one passion is sports and he is above average in that arena. He’s lucky his ACT score got him a lot of milage. So recognized if you don’t have a strong test score for your son your choices will be very limited. He did do a very structured ACT prep class (summer session, 3 days a week for 4 weeks) and I believe that really made a difference. </p>

<p>I finally realized that he just did not know how to be successful and combine with typical teenage stubborness I was not the one to help him. I should also mention that we are a very health oriented family and meds are just not in our consideration set and he agreed. </p>

<p>So here’s what I did. I found a therapist that specialized in ADHD kids and after several sessions alone with my son we had a joint session. It was there that I realized that his anixety was real. He knew he was smart but he just could not get a handle on being organized and he just hated school because it was so negative. All he ever heard was how lazy he was and what he did wrong. But, he really did want to go to college. So we made a deal. He would take a student loan out (must fill out a FAFSA but everyone can get an unsubsidized loan) and I would repay it only if he got a 3.0 or better (he took a lighter load in exchange for a higher GPA benchmark)</p>

<p>To help with his application process I hired an essay tutor but he did the work. I research schools that had a “good” reputation for helping students with learning differences and helped him make a list. He totally disclosed his condition on his application as it was the topic of his essay. We figured why send him somewhere if they are not going to help him. </p>

<p>We found a great Tier II state liberal arts schools with a strong support system for students with learning differences and they LOVED the out of state tution so they were very accomodating. He gets priority registration, hired notetaker (paid by the school) and testing accomodations but the traditional college environment he was craving. He meets with his counselor every week. His school is quarters and I proud to say he got a 3.0. He loves his school and is very motivated to stay. Unlike his public high school he knows that colleges will simply kick you out if you don’t make their minimums. He was advised to take 3 vs 4 classes that students normally take and I think that makes a big difference. Don’t underestimate the importance of the right structure. Quarters with less classes really make it much easier on these kids. His college counselor told me that he would strongly advise to keep his class load light his freshman year, keep his GPA up is the priority. He may have to take summer classes or go more than 4 years but the priority is the GPA. Once it’s low, the negative feelings, anxiety, stress come rushing back. </p>

<p>We did this all the summer before his senior year so I should add I would not risk sending him to college until you find the right situation. It’s pretty late to pull this off in time for a Fall 12 enrollment. I think the idea of a 5th year prep year is pretty intriguing just make sure the kids will be a good peer group.</p>

<p>It’s such a frustrating situation and hard to see that the anixiety might be very real. Find a good therapist and get some help with this situation. That’s my advice.</p>

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<p>Great story, justhangin…</p>

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<p>OP - If hs academics are too stressful… college could be disaster. You are right to be thinking through alternatives. Be thankful your son is talking with you, even if you don’t always like his comments. Maybe together you can hatch a plan if he is motivated for success.</p>

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<p>Maybe take a look at Beacon College in Florida, specifically for kids with ADHD and similar LDs, etc. A good friend’s sister goes there and is doing great.</p>

<p>Best part is, according to their website:

</p>

<p><a href=“http://www.beaconcollege.edu/[/url]”>http://www.beaconcollege.edu/&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>There are other schools like this out there.</p>