<p>I keep going back to the “my son wants” part of this discussion. Let him go, but make him figure out how he is going to accomplish that. Back away from the process, put it on his shoulders. If he figures it out and makes it work, great life lesson and you can really see how much he really “wants” to go. If he does nothing, then you know how badly he really wants to go. You can’t prevent kids from growing up and sometimes they do need to fail to figure out life and as much as we hate to see this happen, sometimes it ends up being the best thing for them.</p>
<p>Has he applied to any schools yet? If so, which ones and what is the status of his apps? If he does not get admitted anyhwere, the gap year issue may resolve itself.</p>
<p>mncollegemom, the difficulty with sending a student who is not yet managing his/her LD issues well off to college because “he/she wants to go”, is that they aren’t very likely to just wake up and start managing these issues. The family will most likely be out a chunk of money and/or the kid will have a chunk of debt, and there will be a college transcript with at least one semester’s worth of regrettable grades that will follow the student forever.</p>
<p>Most parents don’t want that for their children.</p>
<p>happy–like I said, make him do the work, and pay for it. If he really wants to go and takes ownership of this, he will turn around in school, if not, then the blame is his and his alone and he won’t be pouting in his room because mom didn’t “let” me go to college. If he succeeds in his first year in college, GREAT, pay him back, if not, lesson learned, move on with your life but the important part is HE LEARNED that lesson. </p>
<p>I don’t know how letting him go to community college will be any different in this situation. The family will be out plenty of money for CC if they plan to pay for that and not let HIM pay for his 4 year college. Again, been there, done that and looking at if from the other side I am GLAD we did exactly what I suggested above.</p>
<p>I recall years ago Northstarmom (who no longer posts here) posted about her contrasting experiences with her two ADHD immature boys. The older (whom she helped a lot in the process of applying) went off to college and flunked out. For her younger son she put the onus on him - he had to meet deadlines, apply to colleges, get the recommendations etc. He missed all the deadlines and was forced to take a year off. He managed to do what he needed to join AmericaCorps, had a great year. Applied to an LAC for the following year and did very well in school. If I recall correctly he graduated last spring.</p>
<p>mathmom–exact point I am trying to make–stop DOING for them, let THEM take the reins. These kids are 18 or close to it, when you expect them to grow up if you don’t LET THEM.</p>
<p>But here is the deal, mncollegemom, unless the OP’s child has a trust fund the chances of him being able to pay for a year of college entirely on his own are just about zip. He can borrow $5,500 with a Stafford Loan, but that (at best) will barely cover tuition and fees at a community college. He will still need books, materials, transportation, meals, housing, etc. etc. </p>
<p>I suppose that the OP could just say “If you want this, figure it out on your own how to make it happen.” and then step back, knowing that it is fully impossible. However, it seems reasonable to me that the OP also think through some functional alternatives for when the son realizes that he can’t do it alone.</p>
<p>I disagree seeing as my son did exactly that. No, he was not at a school costing $50,000 but he worked at an amusement park over the summer, made enough money to pay for tuition and some housing. He actually got a scholarship for his ACT score and one other one that paid most of the rest of that after his student loan. It CAN and DOES happen all the time. Like I said, have the boy FIND a way to make it work IF he really wants to go. If he can’t find a way to make it work, end of story, lesson learned.</p>
<p>OK, I think I see what you mean. You are talking about owning the whole package - application process on up. That makes sense. </p>
<p>Your son was fortunate that he was able to make pay for his education on his own, and to attend full-time. In my observation most students who are doing it on their own are only able to study part-time because they have to hold down a full-time job.</p>
<p>Again, this is for one year, or heck, even one SEMESTER. If he applies to a lower cost state school, there is a good chance he can make this work financially quite easily. If he wants to go badly enough, he will make it work. We all know we can talk until we are blue in the face to our kids about some things and no matter what we tell them, we don’t know anything. There are just somethings they need to figure out on their own, this is one of those times.</p>
<p>mncollegemom</p>
<p>You are oversimplifying the finances. Some of us live in states where Community College costs are > many other states IS options. There is no way a student in my area could earn enough in the summer to pay for our directional state schools and housing (costs are approx $15k/year before fees and that is with the cheapest housing & 10 meal plan option).</p>
<p>I think my point was to get some objective help for the son to take the ownership. With ADHD they don’t have the coping and organization skills to do this on their own. They have to take the reins but they need some extra support. If they had the skills or would let you coach them the situation would not be there. </p>
<p>The loan agreement with my son is renewal each quater so no loan does not cover the whole year but it does cover a quarter. If he flunks out in a quarter I am not on the hook for a whole year’s tution. He made it through the first one and hit his bench.</p>
<p>As long as you approach this as an effort issue and not a skills issue you will live in a very frustrating world.</p>
<p>Longhaul–overall costs at DS’s school were just under $18,000. Like I said, let THEM figure that out vs you TELLING them, it will mean more to them and then it is THEIR decision, not something you told them to do. No, it is not possible for a lot of kids that sluff off in school and THAT is the point THEY need to figure out on their own. They very well might end up at a community college but that becomes their decision then and not something “my mom said I had to do”. </p>
<p>Quick search, there are 42 schools in PA with costs at $15,000 or less, 17 with cost of $10,000 or less, 4 year schools all of them. Really though, how is having him pick a school based on overall cost that he can afford any different than a 4.0 having to chose between 4 colleges based on overall price? It’s the same principal, it just won’t be at YOUR dream school for him.</p>
<p>Ok, another quick search, Lock Haven U–opened up their web page because they had a pretty picture on the search engine-that is all I know about them. OP’s son would come in at the top 2% of all students based on the SAT she stated, merit help for kids in the top 1/5th of their class and combined SAT of 1270–sounds like that is ballpark for the OP’s son. That give him $2000/year bringing the overall cost down to $13,000. Take out $5500 in GSL so now you are looking at $7500. $5000 in earnings between now and school time is not unreasonable for the kid, you are now at $2500. Quick look at community colleges in PA, all coming in around $3000-4000 for tuition only…so, which school is more affordable??</p>
<p>If ur child is not ready, the colleges will determine that. They won’t accept bad grades. Don’t worry. His bet would be entering a cc. If that’s the case only he would see how much he could handle.</p>
<p>Endicott - I have been through something similar with my oldest, although his ADD was fairly mild and not diagnosed until after freshman year of college. (He had been evaluated at a younger age, but apparently since he doesn 't have the ‘H’ the diagnosis was missed.) We decided to send him off to a 4 year school, despite his underachievement in high school, and let the college tell him whether he could stay or not – if he kept his grades high enough to be in good academic standing, then he got to stay. He had decent grades, and has since transferred to a school with a better social fit. His grades are still decent, although not Dean’s List material.</p>
<p>These ADD kids do not have great self esteem, and I think it is an act of faith in them to give them a chance to show what they can do in college (if your pocketbook can stand the possible loss if college is not a success). My son did see a psychologist who specializes in ADD for awhile and he has meds available to him.</p>
<p>Just echoing the suggestion of Landmark or Beacon, and there are other colleges that offer a lot of support for kids with ADHD. To the original poster, is your son on meds? Have you considered a coach?</p>
<p>You can register him with the disabilities office at college and get accommodations such as reduced courseload, extra time to finish projects, and so on, that will help a little.</p>
<p>There are alternatives to college, long-term, but sometimes kids need to go for a year to college for a year to get it out of their system, because there is so much pressure and so many assumptions that kids will go.</p>
<p>I like to think of kids with ADHD as having some gifts and that there is a “strength-based” way to approach it.</p>
<p>Immaturity is another issue entirely and would seem to suggest a gap year, if he is willing.</p>
<p>“You will not be doing him any favors giving in to his tantrums. You need to do what is best for him, not giving in.”</p>
<p>Strongly agree with this. He can do whatever he wants if he makes it happen. Sit down and discuss his options as though he is a fellow adult. If he wants to leave home and have the freedom to party like his friends, he can get a job and move out like lots of other high school graduates. If he wants to live at home, figure out your rules for allowing that: a certain GPA in a certain CC course load, a full-time volunteer job, whatever. If he wants to go away to college, let him apply ON HIS OWN, get in, and then present you with a plan that you can consider (I suspect he won’t do this.) If he has a tantrum when you have this adult conversation with him, then he has proved that he is not ready for college.</p>
<p>We were in a similar situation with oldest son. His high school grades were abysmal: we didn’t know until spring of his senior year whether he was even going to graduate, and he had to take some credits online to make up for failing grades. Yet he is very bright and got excellent SATs. He insisted he was going to college, and his therapist said he wouldn’t be able to handle it. </p>
<p>By his senior year, we realized we needed to back off. By that I mean - I didn’t wake him up if he was oversleeping and late for school. I didn’t ask about his grades or remind him about anything that was due. We told him that if he could manage to get into a state school we’d pay for the first year but he needed to do all the work to get in. Then we left him alone academically.</p>
<p>Our thinking was that if he had the maturity to pull it together and graduate from high school and get into college, he had a chance of succeeding. If he didn’t graduate or missed application deadlines - well, that would be information that he wasn’t ready. AND - important point here - he would know that his success or failure was because of him, not us. It would be kudos to him if he got in, and he wouldn’t be able to blame us for holding him back if he failed. We were prepared to accept either outcome. </p>
<p>We had also told him that - if he didn’t go to college (four year or CC) - he would need to pay us rent to live here. </p>
<p>He shocked us by getting in. And shocked us even more by carrying a 3.0 in college. This is his third year. He tells us that he’s getting good grades because he is in control of what he takes and he’s there by choice.</p>
<p>Long comment, and it may not apply to your situation completely. But I do think your son needs to be given the freedom to either succeed or fail on his own. If he fails in a manner where he can’t blame you, maybe he’ll be more open to intervention.</p>