Help! My personal statement

<p>can someone help me edit my UC personal statement prompt 2 please. </p>

<p>I was awoken abruptly by my father on a cold Saturday morning. I wanted to sleep in; the sun had not even entered my bedroom window yet. I asked him why he would wake me up so early when we had nothing planned. He said he wanted to go get breakfast at the little breakfast restaurant around my block. I thought it was a little odd at first but I didn’t pay any attention to it. I assumed that my entire family would go but it was just my dad and I. We walked in silence as the sun slowly rise to greet us, it felt like the longest walk in my life, even though we only walked less than a block. As we arrived at the restaurant we found a table in the back and started ordering our breakfasts. The warm buttery air was so sharp against the cold foggy air outside that my glasses immediately started to fog. I was thankful that it was pretty loud in the restaurant because I could not deal with the silence no more. Our food arrived and we immediately dived in. My dad then began to make small talk until he no longer could conceal the fact that he had really bad news. He said to me, “I want to divorce your mother, but you're the only person I’ve told.” I was in utter shock that I dropped my fork. I couldn’t even glance up to meet my fathers eyes, I just froze and started to cry. I was even more mortified that I was crying in front of a bunch of random people at a breakfast restaurant so I ran to the bathroom. I stayed there for what seemed like an hour bawling my eyes out until I was dry as the Sahara Desert. I didn’t want to leave, but I had too so I exited the bathroom after I calmed myself down. I sat down slowly and before I could think I blurted out, “I don’t want you to leave mom or me, you have six kids you have to stay.” Maybe I was being selfish asking my father to make a decision that might not have made him happy but I knew that if he left my mom he would be lost forever, consumed by alcohol, gambling, and drugs; my mother was his rock she always made sure he would never fall so deep into a rabid hole that he couldn’t get out of. If they divorced I knew the outcomes of it all. We didn’t even finish our breakfast, all of our appetites had left the building for awhile now. As soon as we exited the restaurant I broke out in tears again. The walk home was even worse, the silence was suffocating me. Halfway home, my dad hugged me and said he was sorry. All he said was sorry, he said it repeatedly. To this day, I have never told my mother this, but my father has never left. My parents fight a lot but they always make up, I know that they love each other, but apart of me believes that he is faking his happiness for my siblings and I. This experience has changed me in so many ways. I stopped relying on others and started focusing on myself because I realize that regardless of how sure you are of something it can change in the blink of an eye without you ever suspecting it.</p>

<p>Too much telling. Your entire essay is like background information. Only the last 2 sentences belong in your essay, even if they are underdeveloped. Scrap this and restart. Time is ticking.</p>

<p>Yeah, what kentrian said. About 95% of your essay is about your whole experience, it diverts and only partially answers the second questions of the prompt “What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?”</p>

<p>I understand this experience was probably important to you but the second essay is supposed to be geared more towards an experience that makes you proud and that showcases a quality or a talent. this sounds more like you’re praising your father more than you’re praising yourself.
as for the structure of the essay itself, I agree with the other two; this shouldn’t be a story. keep the superfluous details out and just answer the prompt.
good luck!</p>