<p>My son has been at school for exactly one month. He is not getting along with his roommate. He wants to go to bed at 11 and the other kid not until 1 or 2 am which keeps my son awake. Anyway that is the least of it, it has really escalated from there. I really believe they need to be split up but the school says no, they have to work it out (Freedom With Responsibility: this is the down side). My son was in tears tonight when I talked to him. He doesn't feel like any of the adults involved care about him. So am I, and I don't know if I should fly out there and talk to the administration face to face, or keep pleading the case for splitting them up over the phone.</p>
<p>My son has never had problems like this before with peers or siblings and I never dreamed he would have difficulty getting along with a room mate. He really is a good, easy going, kind-hearted kid. I know I'm biased and only getting one side of the story, but I really think my kid has done his best to make it work but that now they are at the point where so much damage has been done, their differences are irreconciable! </p>
<p>I am really starting to regret the decision to send him so far away: we live in Montana and the school is in the north east.</p>
<p>Any advice from experienced prep school parents would be greatly appreciated.</p>
<p>Is there a Parent's Weekend coming up or an important game for your son where you could use that as the stated reason for the visit but also work on this issue?
I think you are right that this is not going to get better without adults stepping in, starting with what creative1 suggests. The other boy must be exhausted and very sleep-deprived by now...his parents must have some concerns, too.</p>
<p>I think it's completely appropriate for parents to get involved when younger boarding students have serious problems. If my daughter had had this kind of problem at BS, I would have called her adviser first (who lived in the dorm), then the house parents, then the dean of students if not satisfied. In your case, the hierarchy may be different.</p>
<p>Remember this is the point in time where our children will be complaining and reporting every little bad thing? I would give it more time and see if the boys can work it out.</p>
<p>Whatever your course of action, I would not let your son think that you've taken this off of his hands. This needs to remain his conflict to resolve. Now, you may not be able to resist working behind-the-scenes. And you probably want to provide assurance to him that you're on his side. I would just urge you to remind him -- and coach him if you like -- that he needs to be responsible for working out this and other problems that arise. And if you feel it's imperative to keep plugging away...try to do so without leading him to believe that you're on the job and have got things under control. </p>
<p>You won't be helping him out in the long run if he thinks that he can dump his problems on you for you to fix them...like they're so much dirty laundry that he doesn't do at school and brings home during breaks for you to wash, dry, fold and put back in place.</p>
<p>That's not easy for a parent, especially one who is bending over backwards to create a great opportunity for a child. But somehow you're going to need to strike a balance between letting him know that you're supportive of him (on the one hand); and letting him deal with this himself, by dealing with his roommate and the many resources available to him at school that you can steer him towards (on the other hand).</p>
<p>Just try to keep campus problems on campus. This is new to you, but not to the school. You trusted your son to these people, presumably in an informed way. Give them some latitude with that trust to do the right thing. Insist on communication in terms of feedback, but the lines of communication in terms of conflict resolution need to be running directly between your son and people on campus. </p>
<p>Success comes when these things work themselves out without your involvement...so don't yield to the natural temptation as a parent to be a hero(ine) for him. You still get to play that part in many other ways!</p>
<p>Good luck. It's not easy...I know. And getting less involved may seem impossible. Just stay focused on doing what's best for him and less focused on what feels satisfies your needs as a parent.</p>
<p>Wow, D'yer Maker, that's good advice. It could apply to so many BS issues, including one our child is dealing with right now. Glad to be reminded that these are their issues to work through.</p>
<p>I agree with D'yer Maker to a degree, but it is VERY hard to hear your son suffering to this degree and to be unable to really help him, other than listening and being supportive.</p>
<p>If you've pointed out the resources around him for working out the issue (RA, dorm parent), then you've probably done all you should do other than listen and be sympathetic.</p>
<p>He will need to learn to identify and effectively use the social structures around him to succeed in college as well, as there are even fewer rules and often less support available. That being said, being put to the test right up front is not easy to hear.</p>
<p>And this is a good place to vent your frustration with the situation rather than starting up the helicopter.</p>
<p>Hopefully, by the time Parent's Weekend rolls around you will be able to see that he has worked through this issue and then turn your attention to more positive things.</p>
<p>d had similar problems - except her rm got up at 6 on weekends and excercised in room, etc.
I emailed advisor to let her know of problem and she met with both and they worked it out. Now not great, but better.</p>
<p>2 am studying is apparently not "abnormal" for some of the NE schools. We eliminated some of them when students told us they averaged 5 hours OR LESS of sleep.</p>
<p>Send your son a "book light" from books-a-million to give rm as gift. They are enough light to read by. Send your son an airplane "blinder" (office depot has them).</p>
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How can a prepster stay up till 1 or 2? This is the second instance of this I've heard this year. Where are the hall monitors or dorm parents?
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In this case, it is at a school with no official "lights out" time if I'm reading the post correctly.<br>
In the other case, :) what I've been told is that he is in bed wtih lights out at the appropriate time. Then gets up, watches movies on his lap top with head phones, etc. They did say they would have security check in on the room as they make their rounds throughout campus during the night - I'm not sure how that's going.</p>
<p>My son as SAYS it's not keeping him up (well, the opening of the windows at 1 am wakes him up and keeps him up), but I know that when you roll over or wake up for a second and see movement in your room, it HAS to have some kind of effect on your sleeping. Especially when you wake up cold, etc. </p>
<p>I'm surprised at how many "mis-matched" roommates there are. I know how hard it must be, but one of my son's friend filled out a 3-4 page form and they are complete opposites. At my son's school it was only a few questions, but one was about sports, and so I thought they would put boys who at the very least played the same sport together - immediately having something in common. I know I wouldn't want to have THAT job for sure!</p>
<p>linda s - I am actually an advocate of not putting kids together on the basis of them playing the same sport(s), etc. I think that can lead to too much time together and possibly competition. The kids start to feel like they're attached at the hip and tire of each other. I find the best roommate scenarios are where their personalities mesh but they have different interests and different but overlapping circles of friends. At least for girls, in my experience, that seems to work well.</p>
<p>From my experience, if a roommate problem still exists at this point, it is unlikely to get better without the intervention of adults (or maybe older students) at school. Parents can get into hot water with schools when they blame only the other people involved (which you do not seem to be doing), go over people's heads, or mandate what the solution is "they need to be split up." Plenty of roommates keep different hours or have different habits without conflict. How you can best help your child is to stay upbeat, make him aware that any solution is going to involve compromise/change by both roommmates and to make sure that adults at school, such as their advisors, are working with the boys to work this out. You should be in touch with the advisor to see how things are going. If you really don't think the advisor's approach will work at this point, it is perfectly fine to seek the help of others at the school, because the roommate situation is strongly affecting your son's school experience. Just don't tell them what the solution is. </p>
<p>Unlike the other poster's daughter, whose roommate woke up too early, your son might not be standing up for himself because he is on the "uncool" side of the issue, which could be made worse depending on the personalities of the boys. However, a 9th or 10th grader staying up until 1 or 2 on a regular basis is not normal , so it sounds like the roommate needs some help here too.</p>
<p>While the roommate problem seems to be bothering your son, keep an optimistic tone on school overall when you talk with him. How are his classes, sports, and other activities going? Is he making friends? And your distance from school really isn't a factor here, the way it would be if, say, your son refused to do his laundry.</p>
<p>
[quote]
linda s - I am actually an advocate of not putting kids together on the basis of them playing the same sport(s), etc. I think that can lead to too much time together and possibly competition. The kids start to feel like they're attached at the hip and tire of each other. I find the best roommate scenarios are where their personalities mesh but they have different interests and different but overlapping circles of friends. At least for girls, in my experience, that seems to work well.
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I can see that. I think pairing up new students is likely the hardest job on campus in the summer. Even more so in the larger schools with hundreds of new students.</p>
<p>We eliminated SPS specifically for that reason -- my son was just not ready for the "freedom with responsibility". (my older son would have been). He is a kid that needs a full 8 hours of sleep to function (9 is best) so that was an issue we really looked at when applying to BS.</p>
<p>He has been very lucky in his roommate -- they seemed to get along great, but aren't joined at the hip. They share some interests in common but not all. Both kids are polite and respectful -- and it seems like the other kid has also been coached by his parents to work things out and not let them become big issues (we talked with my son about this quite a bit). He did fill out a roommate form this summer -- and we really emphasized his need for a solid 8 hours of sleep, so I think that was really taken into consideration.</p>
<p>I agree with your post, hsmomstef- I'm sure SPS is a wonderful opportunity for some and I'm sure many students thrive there but again, it goes back to the issue of school/student fit. I truly believe that my son will have a better experience in an environment with more structure. He'll have plenty of Freedom With Responsibility as an undergrad.</p>