<p>I suck at writing essays. Please help me with this.
I tried something completely different from what I usually do. </p>
<p>Prompt: Should people make more of an effort to keep some things private?</p>
<p>The world has become too public. Every article, every thought, and every belief is public these days, especially in thanks to the Internet. This high level of publicity is self-destructive on society. White lies, celebrity influence, and the pressure of publicity are why we should aspire to make society more private. </p>
<p>When the truth is hurtful, it is best to keep true thoughts private. Last week, for instance, my friend went shopping for a prom dress. She immediately fell in love with a brown and yellow dress that looked like it was involved in a tractor accident. She asked me for my opinion and I gave it my approval. Why? Because I knew that if I made my true thought public, I may have hurt my friend's feelings. Instead, she had a great night at her senior prom. Sometimes a white lie is needed to keep the truth private because if it is publicized, it can hurt others. </p>
<p>Celebrity life is best kept private because of its harmful influence. Many celebrities with eating disorders such as anorexia, have a negative impact on young girls. These girls strive to be thin like their favorite celebrity; however, in the process they end up hurting themselves by developing the same disorder. In addition, many celebrities are poor role models, such as Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, and Britney Spears, who have all been indicted for a DUI. What kind of a role model is that? That is why some celebrity lives are best kept private, not on TV. </p>
<p>When things are kept private, it puts less pressure on others. There is less competition, less greed, and less animosity. People would not strive to be better than others; they would merely try to better themselves. Publicizing one's life has a truly negative societal impact.</p>
<p>I don’t think your essay is that bad. I’ve seen much worse.</p>
<p>But there are a lot of loose, random things in this essay.</p>
<p>For example, you mention the Internet in your introduction, when it’s not mentioned in the rest of your essay. I thought that your first example was good; I would like to see more commentary though. What would have happened if you told the truth? Compare that to the consequences of telling a lie. You sort of did this, but it could be discussed more.</p>
<p>I thought your second example was just fine. </p>
<p>I think that in your conclusion, you mention things that you never really argued in your essay. I mean, less competition, less greed, less animosity? That sounds grand, but it doesn’t relate to your essay at all.</p>
<p>Try thinking of a concrete thesis statement and concrete examples first. Then write out your commentary and tie your comments directly to your thesis and topic sentences. I think you would have done better if you had planned your essay out better, because then you won’t have so many unrelated things, and your essay would be more focused.</p>
<p>First, try to include 3 examples.
Second, try to avoid using personal examples.
Third, the essay is a time to show-off what you’ve learned. Use atleast one historical or literary example.</p>
<p>The first half of the essay was weak. The second half became much better.
I would give it 8-9.</p>
<p>This was the first time I have ever used personal and hypothetical examples. I think I am just going to stick with what I am good at, which is using real examples. </p>
<p>I will post another one soon. perhaps in this same thread…</p>
<p>I’ve actually heard that personal examples, when applied judicously, are good, though literary examples make you look all well-read and stuff… Just a few hints- try to vary your word usage and sentence structure, try to avoid slang, try to avoid concepts or imagery that the lovely College Board readers might be unfamiliar with (like the tractor accident- there are more descriptive ways of describing the horrific dress for people who have not necessarily had the privelege of witnessing something a tractor crash. Personally I’ve never seen one)</p>
<p>Also, the incident with the dress might be a better example for a prompt on whether lies can be good, though it is a kinda blurry line. For public vs private, maybe something about revealing a secret you shouldn’t have would be a little bit better? I suppose it depends on the spin you give the event…</p>