We have a son in an IB school who is taking a heavy school load including an online class. He puts off the online work because his physical classes are calling and so he is basically failing that class. He has missed assignments in the remaining classes including not doing IB assessments that would have given him college credit. He is perfectly capable, very intelligent, but does not seek help and won’t even admit that he can’t handle the courseload. He is into a great college next year but hasn’t accepted yet. I think both he and his parents are afraid that he won’t be able to handle the work. He is finally seeing a therapist who will hopefully help him with learning to see reality and seek help, but we are wondering if we shouldn’t find a program in a gap year that will help him mature.
His relationship is really shattered with me, his mom, as I have spent many hours helping him organize his workload only to be shocked when he has repeatedly lied about his schoolwork.
Another option is to scrap the college acceptances, figure out life, and apply to college when ready. The biggest thing holding me back from suggesting that is that a lot of his friend support system is going to the same school, and I think he’ll be ok if he can perhaps have a productive summer.
Yes, of course, he should make the decision, bu that’s something that he hasn’t made any inroads on. And we all know that decision day is a week away!
He still has a week to accept. I would wait and see if he does.
Did these troubles start after he was accepted?
It’s not unusual for kids to be, in the words of our school nurse, “a mess” at this time, late senior year so it can be hard to tell what this all means. Some go on to college in the fall and thrive after having brief trouble with the transition ahead. Some have a newly emerging diagnosis (it is the age for that).
It is really hard to tell from your post what is going on, or what the history is. It would seem, since he got into a “great college” that is not his usual way of functioning.
Certainly a therapist is a good idea. Building trust so he doesn’t lie to you is a good idea too, but harder. Offering options including college, work, gap year activities and so on is also a good idea so he can make a real choice.
I would not do anything definitive or irrevocable at this point but it sounds like you are getting him help and he is agreeing to it and that is a big step. If this is an aberration it may very well right itself. If he does accept, you have the summer to talk about this and figure it out. I would give it that time.
Sorry you- and he- are going through this!
Sounds like it’s time for a family meeting, perhaps facilitated by the therapist? What does he think is best for next year? (Also: If he fails that class, is there a chance his acceptance will be rescinded?) It sounds to me like there are some underlying issues and hopefully the therapist will be able to make some progress with him over the summer, and yes, a decision of sorts has to be made now, but the one thing I can tell you for sure is that without your son’s buy-in, any plan you make will be a disaster.
If he doesn’t want to take a gap year, forcing the issue is going to make him furious. If he does want to continue on to college, there need to be clear parameters and expectations in place. Make your private peace with the possibility of him going off to school and flunking out – it could happen, and it wouldn’t be the end of the world. Or he might pull himself together. You just can’t know, yet. Make a plan so he knows exactly what is expected.
Regardless of what you all decide together, I bet your son is just as baffled by his behavior as you are. (Full disclosure: we went through something similar with one of my kids, and eventually uncovered a learning disability that said kid had been compensating for for a loooong time. Imagine her relief to discover she wasn’t dumb or lazy.) Reassure him. Let him know that while you are frustrated by his challenges and some of his choices, you love him and know he will figure out how to thrive. Back him on whatever decision he makes. I bet he really needs to hear that right about now.
Good luck. He will find his way. 
I dont think that failing an online class would get any college acceptances revoked, so I suggest you tell him to drop the class asap.
It also sounds like he has developed a bad case of “Senioritis”.
It happens to a lot of smart kids who have worked really hard for the last 4 years and are frankly just relieved to have the whole college application process over with. I’d cut him some slack and advise both parents to do the same . Putting more pressure on him as this point will just be counterproductive.
College classes ARE harder, BUT kids take FAR fewer of them at a time, and dont have to juggle 6 classes with lots of homework in every one every week. He will do fine in college.
As long as he doesnt completey take the foot off the gas, and can coast to the finish line of his Senior year with second semester B’s in the classes he actually attends, he should be OK.
Can he accept the admission offer…and then, if needed, defer enrollment for a year? Check the policy of,the college.
Then…have him continue the counseling, and whatever help he needs. To,be honest, his health and welfare is far more important than college…which will be there in another year…or two.
You may have a better real picture about him going away to college by summer. If it doesn’t look like it will work this year…ask about about deferral…or withdraw his acceptance.
We’ve been through something similar, and it’s a very common situation in general. As noted in first response, it’s hard to know exactly what is happening: is it a new development or something that has been happening all along, although your son has been able to do well in spite of organizational, motivational, issues or etc. because of his high level of intelligence and/or support.
I agree it’s a good idea to seek some help. I would also say don’t be afraid to consider a gap year if you think that might be helpful. If you and your son are unsure about his current ability to succeed in college, think about the results. A year of school will probably cost a lot of money. If he does not do well, then it can put him in a hole, possibly leading to suspension and future difficulties with GPA or transferring. Of course you can’t be sure how it will work out, but be realistic. It often does not work out, especially for males, so no need to feel an urgency to get him going on school if he is not ready.
I’ll add that I think working is a great thing to do during a gap year. The school demands we place on young people can be a bit unreal. Lots and lots of homework, tests, and papers that don’t really contribute to our world. Teenagers are evolved to be very dynamic but spend much of their time in the classroom, doing programmed activities, and homework. They are often on the computer or a phone when not doing these things.
I like to recommend work in the national parks. Some, like the Grand Canyon, are open year round. They have restaurant, hotel, retail positions, and often provide housing/food. Besides working and earning money, the student gets to spend more time in nature, which I think is also important. I know someone who did this and showed tremendous growth in organization and motivation. Of course something else might work better for your son.
So there are many answers. Just don’t feel pressed into your son starting college right away. A school year goes very fast. In the long run, it’s better to be developmentally and emotionally ready for school than to get it done in the four years after high school graduation. Good luck.
Make a deposit at a school where he can defer a year. Just hit the pause button and sort things out before sending him off. With the deferral option, you have time to let him be ready. (Don’t have him take any college classes before he matriculates at his college choice unless they specifically say he can take classes. Even community college classes could cost him to lose his spot or his financial aid.)
I think accepting, and then exploring the situation on a deeper level before making any decisions regarding gap year or college is wise. Red flags are visible for me for potential learning issues especially regarding the organizational troubles. Often gifted students will start unraveling at a much later time than a typical student with ld’s. The giftedness masks the ld’s. Please please please rule this out before making any big decisions. I have been there and understand the frustration for the student and the parent. The most important thing is your child’s mental health just now, seconded by your relationship. I agree with naviance. Make the deposit and if your son is diagnosed with ld’s b/w now and the start of school, OR if you determine he needs additional time as fall approaches, you can defer if need be.
Could he just be burned out? Finals and AP tests are coming up soon and then you add on the big decision about which college to attend. A lot of stuff happening all at once at the end of a heavy workload year.
It’s a good idea to inquire about deferral policies of each of the Us being considered BEFORE final selection they can vary widely and life is a journey, not a race. Having deferral and a gap year as an option can provide alternatives if the student, family and therapist believe that is the best plan forward.
He can accept and plan to go and then not go in the fall if things aren’t straightened out. I would not defer. He may be able to go and do fine. I know I witnessed a kid or two move stuff into the dorm and then go home, only to return in better shape the next year. As I wrote before, doesn’t seem like the time yet to do anything irrevocable.
Counseling and/or evaluation in order but cannot tell if this is senioritis either from info given. Good luck!
We were in a similar position last year. IB is a rough road, and with DS’ spring sport, he let the rope slip through his fingers quite a bit. We had him meet with each of his teachers to let them know he was serious about getting through his last semester, and he made a list of assignments, then put up a giant flip chart with sticky notes with all of his deliverables by week that he could move to a “Done” section (a mini-Kaizen chart). It helped him visualize his progress, and get more organized, which was a relief to us both. He squeaked through the end of the year, and did well enough on his IB exams.
He’s at a selective LAC, and is finding college to be easier in some respects than HS. Fewer classes to keep track of, and fewer, more significant, assignments. And he can turn papers around quickly! He’s significantly less stressed out, and enjoying academics so much more.
Crossing my fingers for a good end to the year for your son!
Like another poster above, I am also wondering about a learning disability. If you are still helping him organized his work, that can be a symptom. For reference, I have 2 kids – the one with an LD needed my help organizing throughout HS. She was also my higher scoring kid, too, for what it is worth. But she definitely has an LD, too. She has become a solid advocate for herself to get what she needs to succeed over the years, so having a diagnosis helped her.
There’s lots of good advice on here. I wanted to follow up on #12. It is important to look honestly at the situation. How much support has he been provided? If pretty significant, how will he do without this support while away at school? I’m assuming he goes to high school very regularly. I’m sure he’s bright and can probably do well in most of his classes just by being there every day. Has homework always been a struggle, or is that a new thing? If the former, he might have organizational challenges. Organization is much more important in college where much more work is done outside the classroom. And no one is there to get college students out of bed for class.
Is it motivation? Some students struggle when college just seems like the next thing. Sometimes they have not figured out who they are and why they are going. We are much more experienced and have a different point of view that many 17 or 18 year olds.
Is it video games or something else? They can be real distraction, especially for boys/young men. I’ve known several who’ve struggled because of these. They are really addictive and insidious.
We’ve found approaching him with love and not anger and disappointment is very important. Him knowing that you love him will make the most difference in the long run. Good luck!
Looking at your other posts, I see your son’s wonderful stats and at least some of his wonderful acceptances. He has a history of being a strong, capable student. Something is going on with him. My personal guess is it isn’t a learning disability. I think this point in senior year can get overwhelming - burnout and senioritis so close to the finish line, making college decisions, anxious feelings about change down the road with transitioning to college, leaving old friendships, making new ones, leaving family. It’s stressful and can be a little debilitating especially if your son is one of those guys who doesn’t always articulate what he is feeling. As a student, you start to fall a little behind, and things start to snowball, and paralysis can set in because you suddenly find yourself in a hole that seems a little overwhelming to work your way out of. Just my speculation based on the info provided.
It’s time to sit down and have a calm, rational heart-to-heart with your son about what he is feeling and where he stands, and paths to a way out before the end of the year. Knowing that Atlanta schools get out early, time is really of the essence. Since you seem to be at loggerheads with your son right now, using that therapist to help facilitate that would probably be helpful or a school counselor who would also know options available to him from the school’s side. The goal would be to help your son articulate how he is feeling and what he thinks the issues are stemming from and help him devise a plan and a series of steps for working his way out of the hole. My guess is that finally addressing this issue, if done in a productive, nonjudgmental way will be a huge and welcome relief for your son. He can’t be feeling good about things right now and must be overwhelmed with stress and even guilt.
Some questions to resolve: Might his performance have consequences on him graduating or possibly lead to a revocation of acceptances by colleges? Is the online class required for graduation and if not, can he drop it? (online classes can be problematic because they can lack the personal interaction and whip cracking of a teacher to keep one on track. A relative, also from Atlanta, took one online and was the only one out of ten from his school to actually not drop it.)
I’m a huge fan of gap years and both my kids jumped at the chance we gave them to take one. Both were good students at a very rigorous high school and we all believe in experiential learning so why not jump off the academic hamster wheel for a year and explore some personal interests through work and/or travel? When else in your life does one have that kind of opportunity? Great time to take a break, relieve any burnout, and explore new things outside the classroom. It was a wonderful, positive growth experience for mine. I wouldn’t force it on a kid but if your son is receptive, go for it. Looking at the schools your son got into, I’m certain it wouldn’t be an issue but definitely verify. I would deposit at his chosen school and keep thinking about it. He/you don’t need to decide on 5/1.
“does not seek help and won’t even admit that he can’t handle the course load”
This is something worth addressing with your son and his resources (school, therapist) before he sets off to college because it can be key to success in college where more independence and self-advocating is needed. Help him recognize that it is needed, a plus not a weakness. Help him pinpoint resources at his disposal at his chosen college and outline a path towards seeking them out at the first sign he needs them or even before to stay ahead of the game.
The senior year in the IB program is a killer for most students. Between the extended essay which takes months to the IB exams themselves in addition to the traditional finals, I think the stress is crazy. And he plays a spring sport? What I have learned though is that IB students in general seem to have a much easier time that first year in college because they have been subjected to the exaggerated workload and tend to have critical thinking skills.
Listen to the therapist, but my unprofessional opinion is that you need lay off and let him decide what he wants. You have too heavy of a hand for a high school senior. Senioritis is not fatal and he knows what’s what.
I had senioritis and one day many years ago I cut school and went to the mall and with my less academic friends. It was a day I’ll never forget. I couldn’t believe how many kids were at the mall. I learned a lot from those friends that day. They were fearless and it was healthy. I still wanted my academics, but I was less afraid.
I don’t think that your relationship is shattered. Just treat him like an adult and let him fail if he’s going to fail. Fear of failure is an impediment to success because it prevents risk taking. We have to let our kids make mistakes.
Wall St firms prey on Ivy leaguers because they are so risk adverse and such prestige hounds that they can get them to sacrifice their 20s working 100 hour weeks because the kids are too afraid to fail. Many burn out and are unhappy.
I’m not sure if this will make you feel better but I had this experience with my son. At some point over the summer between HS graduation and going away to college. I realized we never checked his AP score from the one AP exam he took senior year. I went online to see there was no score so I asked him about it and he said he didn’t sign up to take any AP exams senior year. I felt strongly that wasn’t the case so went downstairs to check the checkbook and saw the check written in February. And as I’m doing all this my memory of the day of the AP exam became much more clear - my son was doing a month long internship in May of his senior year but we told the company he needed a Friday off to take the AP exam - I don’t work on Fridays so I was home although I left before he did to go to the gym - when I came back he was gone. At the AP exam, I assumed.
So when I approached him again after checking the checkbook and remembering all of this from that exact day, he finally copped to the fact that he didn’t go to the exam and instead went to see the Captain America movie. When I asked why he did that he just said he was “over it”. Our seniors don’t take finals in HS so once they leave at the end of April to do their internship they are effectively done with school and only come back for the actual graduation ceremony. So I can sort of understand his point of view while absolutely not condoning the lying or the attempts to cover-up the lie. And I made him pay me back the exam fee.
But he did successfully matriculate this past fall and is doing fine. He’s not a straight A student, never was although he’s fully capable of being one, but he is getting his work done, going to classes, and passing all of his courses. So there is hope for all of them
I agree with @NEPatsGirl …senior year with IB tests looming my DD didn’t even want to go on spring break…just study study! Is the online course in addition to a standard 3 HL 3SL classes?