Help! Son failed first semester!

Parents Forum
1

<p>I could use advice here. My second son just failed his first semester. </p>

<p>He was majoring in physics and music, and had great mid-term grades, then according to him, started huffing nitrous oxide and ended up not even going to finals. He blames bad parenting, citing an example of a successful musician whose parents hired a producer for their kid to succeed in music, and chastising us (parents) for having counseled that a career as a performance musician is challenging to break into (but not saying he had to do anything else). Yet, we've supported music all along. He has a clarinet, sax, drums, several guitars, and also plays piano. We've provided music lessons since 4th grade, and though we've generally asked our kids to save for their big wants, they also have had (I think) very good support and lots of opportunities. We may be a bit odd since we have a terrific woodshop and blacksmith shop, and we've encouraged our kids to do those types of hobbies and camping and cycling rather than TV (but not prohibited TV). Strong family ties to aunts/uncles/cousins/grandparents.</p>

<p>In college, at Thanksgiving, he came home and said he'd dropped his music major since he didn't "agree with how music was being taught" (though performance jazz is the only class he did not fail (receiving an A-).</p>

<p>He is not intellectually challenged, and just about anyone that talks with him respects his intellect. He is brilliant in physics and reads science voraciously. Parents are a DVM (veterinarian) and PhD scientist. Older brother just got all A's in his pre-med program.</p>

<p>Our parental challenge is that he won't communicate while away at college (about once a week we sent a "hi, how are you doing?" e-mail or call (unanswered) - but try not to pester, with a once a week contact (but often not hearing from him for 3-4 weeks at a time.</p>

<p>Also, we paid fully for the first semester, and intended to pay fully for undergrad. We had an agreement that we'd continue to pay as long as he maintained a 3.0 GPA. My current intention is to tell him that next semester is on his own, but if he completes his next semester successfully, I'll reimburse him...and that will be how it will be handled from here forward until he has shown that he is serious about doing well.</p>

<p>Bigger concern is his psychological well-being...and how to start the process of family and individual counseling. </p>

<p>Any/all suggestions appreciated!</p>

2

<p>Sounds like he isnt ready for college.
Its really a long slog for some kids and taking time off can help them gain a perspective that will help them become more successful when they return to finish their education.
Since he is liable for his next semester, does he need to take time to earn expenses?
His school may allow him to take a semester leave without reapplying, but depending on costs, it may take him longer than that to raise funds.</p>

3

<p>Just my opinion, but . . . Don’t send him back to college. At all. Send him to rehab and quickly.</p>

<p>This semester should serve as a wake-up call that he is not prepared to function at college at this time. Get him help now.</p>

4

<p>When you say he is “not intellectually challenged,” do you mean that the college he is now at is not difficult for him and the classes are all too easy? Or do you mean even though he has some problems (ADD? Aspergers?) he is bright?</p>

<p>I don’t mean to dismiss drug use, but the nitrous oxide seems like a symptom of a more encompassing problem.</p>

5

<p>Sorry. Sounds like you answered your own question. Counseling is a good start. All I can say is Good Luck.</p>

6

<p>If it was my child, he would not be going to back to school in the spring. I’d lay down the law, if we wants my financial support for day to day expenses and a place to live, he will have to go to counseling and possibly a drug rehab program. If he refused (as hard as it would be) he would be 100% on his own.</p>

7

<p>It’s too late to get financial aid for next semester, so I’d have him do a “withdrawal for health reasons”- or something similar- and get him into intense counseling right away. He’s not ready for college yet- maybe it’s not for him at all, but he can’t make that decision when he’s dealing with substance abuse.
You’ve given your kids a lot of opportunities but are your expectations realistic? He has a brother who is doing everything right, but this guy may feel like he has to “audition” just to be a member of the family. He may enjoy science as a hobby but not as a vocation- I hear so many parents who point out to their kid that a “performance career in music” is difficult and won’t lead to financial security, but they neglect to mention that there are a ton of unemployed IT/computer science, etc, people who were “downsized” or who are miserable in their jobs. Honestly, a 4 year degree in music performance is quite valuable for most any grad school path one chooses.
I have 2 boys and a girl and not only do they not look alike, but intellectually, they are as different as can be. One began as a Celtic History major and now works for a major software firm writing code and designing things that don’t break. He was too young when he began college and had some rough issues to deal with and took time off. My D got her undergrad degree from a top tier conservatory, summa cum laude, is fluent in several languages and is now in grad school for her master of music. Youngest son wants to go to medical school but elected to stay with his father who has allowed him to goof off and make mistakes that could severely compromise his life options. Right now., he’s having to take courses as a non-matriculated student and hope that he can redeem himself enough to gain acceptance into the degree program.
Just remember that each kid is an individual and that they need to find the path that is right for him. Give your son some time and get him the help he needs to deal with life- it will work out. I wish you all the best and know that CC is a great place to come for moral support.</p>

8

<p>Does he want to go back to school and try again? And what do you mean his psychological well-being? Was the drug use something that was recreational that got out of hand, or do you think he was using to alleviate depression/anxiety/anger? How’s your son’s mood?</p>

<p>If your son WANTS to go back, I’d let him - under some conditions (drug rehab/counseling) and the demand that he answer all your phone calls and texts or you’ll cancel his phone (assuming he’s on your plan.) </p>

<p>If he’s hesitant, I’d recommend taking a semester off. I regret not listening to my own son when he didn’t want to go back after the first semester - for him things only got worse until he suffered a complete breakdown. </p>

<p>Mostly, I recommend that you offer him compassion and support. Let him know that you understand he’s had a hard time, and that you’re committed to helping him. But without knowing more details about your son’s condition right now, it’s harder to advise more specifically. I echo Disneydad in saying ‘good luck.’ Know that many of us have been there.</p>

9

<p>

Please read up on how dangerous nitrous oxide is. He doesn’t need college right now.</p>

10

<p>

</p>

<p>So why would you assume that he has any expectations of being able to go back. </p>

<p>I would be extremely supportive but with an attitude like "We know this is hard, but you’re an adult now, we’ll let you figure this out. Obviously, your not going back to college. If you are interested in perhaps getting some therapy, we would be happy to pay for it. If you’d like to talk about other things, we’re here for you. "</p>

11

<p>Nitrous oxide? What was the source? Stealing from labs, household stuff, or black market?</p>

12

<p>I feel badly for a younger son, when parents are successful and older brother heading towards to med school. While physics and music are interests often held by same person, most kids I know make music the hobby. Of the 3 young men who did major in music, only one is supporting himself in a band. I have never heard anyone blame their parents.</p>

<p>While many sons are poor communicators, Ignoring messages and going for a month at a time without any response is just not acceptable behavior (& I have one of these sons who rarely communicates, but not a month during freshman year). </p>

<p>What I don’t understand is why your son doesn’t feel challenged at his college, and why he is so disappointed in the music program. Was this his choice of school? If not, another reason he could withdraw from this college and regroup. </p>

<p>Agree with suggestions for therapy. A therapist can guide him towards vocational testing.</p>

13

<p>BunsenBurner, You can buy nitrous oxide on Amazon [Whip-It</a>! Whipped Cream Chargers, 50-Pack : Amazon.com : Kitchen & Dining](<a href=“http://www.amazon.com/Whip-It-Whipped-Cream-Chargers-50-Pack/dp/B001MUJHKG/ref=pd_sim_sbs_k_2]Whip-It”>http://www.amazon.com/Whip-It-Whipped-Cream-Chargers-50-Pack/dp/B001MUJHKG/ref=pd_sim_sbs_k_2)</p>

14

<p>Yes, but if the source was stealing, then there is another bigger issue that needs to be taken care of… Just saying.</p>

15

<p>

Well, that’s clearly nonsense.</p>

<p>I don’t know if I could follow my own advice, but here’s what I recommend. No money from you: he’ll huff it. No going away to college: he’s squandered a semester already, and he probably wouldn’t have if he hadn’t been away at college. No rent money. He may live with you, but if he does, he needs therapy with a therapist you approve of, and drug treatment if the therapist recommends it. If he lives with you, he must either find a job or enroll at a local college as a commuter. If he doesn’t live with you, he has to pay his own way entirely: no help from you with groceries, rent or anything else.</p>

<p>The enemies, when you’re dealing with an adolescent who’s abusing substances, are unstructured, unsupervised time, and access to cash. If he’s 18 years old, he’s still more or less an adolescent–especially given the irresponsible choices he’s made while he was away at college. You probably can’t stop him from making irresponsible, destructive choices for himself, but you should probably make it as difficult and as uncomfortable as possible for him to do so. I think if he’s living with you, you should monitor him as if he were a younger kid. He’ll have to accept that or find his own way.</p>

<p>Finding a good therapist can be hard; and, sadly, finding a good therapist who’s taking new patients can be even harder. I believe finding a good therapist is more important than finding a therapist who takes your insurance, if you can afford it. You might be able to get names of therapists with some expertise in substance from family doctors, from a nearby university (especially if either of you has a university affiliation), or from an Employee Assistance Program if either of you has access to one of those.</p>

<p>If this were my son, I’d treat him like an addict; whether he is one or not would be beside the point for me. I’m terribly sorry this is happening to you and your family.</p>

16

<p>I grew up during the 70’s and I still never witnessed anyone doing nitrous.
I agree that this unless you have additional info, should be the primary focus.
He is an addict.
He allowed his drug use to interfere with the opportunity to attend college.
He needs to recover before he can consider what he is to do with his life.</p>

<p>How much older is older brother?
Is he possibly differentiating himself by his behavior?
Incidentally, you don’t need to major in “pre med” to attend medical school and most schools including the most prestigious, don’t have anything called a " pre med major".
Perhaps if you dialed it back a bit regarding how older brother was doing, he will feel less of a need to prove he isn’t his brother.</p>

17

<p>If he does live with you next semester, I would insist that he take one or two courses at a community college to keep things on track.</p>

18

<p>Therapy immediately. Structured environment/activities. CC classes to build up his SAP.</p>

19

<p>So you just joined CC today to post this.</p>

<p>I love these threads posted by new members with low posting numbers. They are so entertaining.</p>

20

<p>I don’t love this particular thread. Every year at this time, we hear about a new crop of students who have failed their first semester. Often, and understandably, new posters come here to ask for help. It’s a predictable pattern, but that doesn’t make it any less sad. </p>

<p>I wish the original poster would return to give us more information about her son. Was he a good student in high school? Did he have problems with getting his homework done on time and handed in? Did he need his parents to make him get up in the morning? Was he a loner, or a social kid who went to a lot of parties? Were there any academic red flags in high school?</p>

<p>I’m wondering whether he can’t cope at school because he is a drug abuser, or whether he is abusing drugs because he can’t cope at school.</p>