<p>^^^</p>
<p>It’s possible this is a CC member who is posting under a different name because of the situation (and, it’s possible it’s a ■■■■■).</p>
<p>I’ve worked with academically-talented college students for more than 20 years and I’ve seen similar situations. My advice is to get him a medical withdrawal for next semester. He should live at home, go to therapy, and WORK until he’s ready to go back to college, which make take several years.</p>
<p>Since he’s over 18, getting him into therapy or rehab may not be easy unless you make it the better of two choices.</p>
<p>I do agree that being the younger brother of a successful brother and parents can be an issue.</p>
<p>“It’s possible this is a CC member who is posting under a different name because of the situation (and, it’s possible it’s a ■■■■■).”</p>
<p>That was my first thought. I’ve seen posts by a “regular” whose student was majoring in what I recall was both physics and music. There can’t be too many of them. But the timing makes sense-isn’t this when grades are coming out?</p>
<p>My advice would be the same as several others-it’s can’t be about school right now. This kid failed because of drugs and he needs help. But having had a relative with an addiction, I know help will only work if the person is ready. Therapy might also help, but treatment for the addiction is more important, and they are NOT the same. While it’s possible the boy just tried it, liked it, and kept it up, my thought is that maybe huffing was his response to being in a situation that overwhelmed him for any number of reasons, plus a lack of self-esteem and self-control.</p>
<p>He needs to be home, and in treatment, and the family needs to learn the steps they can take to help him. THEN, you can look at college, GPA’s, majors and careers. First he needs to get sober/</p>
<p>if this was my S, he would not be going back to college on my dime. His “blaming” bad parenting indicates to me that he is denying this is HIS problem. Until he begins to take responsibility, I would allow him to live at home provided he paid rent and found a job within a particular time frame. Part-time at a local college might be substituted. Therapy and drug rehab of some sort would be mandatory. </p>
<p>He’s making excuses, and frankly so are you: “he’s not being intellectually challenged.” That is baloney. Smart people challenge themselves intellectually if they are not being challenged by professors and peers. </p>
<p>Contact his college and determine if he can take a semester off for health reasons.</p>
<p>
That’s not what I understood the original poster to be saying. I understood him or her to be saying that this son has no learning disability and no cognitive impairments.</p>
<p>But that doesn’t really detract from the rest of it. It wasn’t “bad parenting” that caused this young man to skip his final exams entirely. Skip his final exams, for God’s sake! Having done that, he should not be going away to college this spring under any circumstances.</p>
<p>A friend died huffing a few years ago and she was a very successful student, just gotten her master’s. It was horrible. </p>
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<p>As has been pointed out, he’s 18 so doesn’t have to do rehab or counseling but you may be able to give him incentive to do one or both.</p>
<p>I don’t have any concrete suggestions but do want to show my support. Tough situation.</p>
<p>The drug use and complaints of bad parenting sound like a familiar pattern: a kid who may be self-medicating an undiagnosed condition like depression, anxiety, bipolar, or possibly even schizophrenia. A kid can suffer quietly from one of these for years and interpret the symptoms as something caused by the environment rather than something triggered by the environment (there is an important difference).</p>
<p>Anyway, I also suggest immediate counseling, if only to rule out these possibilities. And until you know better, I would assume that when the kid complains about this or that, it’s because he is trying to understand himself and not simply making excuses.</p>
<p>Why would anyone try to make a new member feel unwelcome ?</p>
<p>Disneydad,
Because there are many of us who have been around this site for about a decade, and at this time of the year when college students come home and get bored, there are always some who make up a story and post it to see how much “play” it can get in the Parents Cafe. Not saying this is the case here, but that’s why there are some people skeptical of a story if the OP doesn’t come back and give more info.</p>
<p>This might be a ■■■■■, but the story has the ring of truth. The description sounds all too familiar to me.</p>
<p>Sad to say, but I’ve heard of nitrous oxide. It’s apparently available at head shops and food boutiques and completely legal. (Yikes!) There are two grades, and the more common one can be really dangerous. The one given by dentists and used medically is safer. In both cases, my son noted that it’s really bad for your system if you do this everyday. Sounds like your metobolism gets messed up and you can suffer from severe B12 depletion. But I don’t think the actual product is necessarily habit forming. Rather, the need to test limits and conduct risky behavior is the biggest issue.</p>
<p>OP, freshman year is difficult for many kids and unfortunately, the way they learn of this is when they fail. It sounds as if he wasn’t ready for college. It might be especially difficult for him when he compares himself to his older brother who is focused about his future and doing well. Having seen horrible downsides of pushing college when the kid wasn’t ready, I’ve changed my tune. </p>
<p>There’s no need to stay in college, at least for the time being, especially when it wasn’t working out for him. I don’t necessarily think he needs to go to therapy or rehab for his drug use, but it is certainly part of his profile. He/you should seek counseling for the bigger picture. I also recommend he continue to take classes, just to stay in the routine, and also take on a part-to-full time job to keep busy.</p>
<p>I’d suggest getting counseling and a medical leave of absence at this time. Definitely, this young man needs a bit more guidance to figure out what he wants–perhaps a part to full-time job or volunteering and counseling might help him focus.</p>
<p>Best of luck to you, OP. You are doing your best in a difficult situation.</p>
<p>“He was majoring in physics and music, and had great mid-term grades, then according to him, started huffing nitrous oxide and ended up not even going to finals.”</p>
<p>If he really was huffing then you need to get him some help and the fact he told you about it is a good sign. However is there any chance that maybe he wasn’t huffing and just missed some classes and then didn’t want to go back to class and catch up and now has to come up with an excuse? Sometimes kids get scared and then don’t do anything and hope it’s all just going to go away…</p>
<p>I don’t think this is a ■■■■■. The first post just seems to be written by a concerned parent.</p>
<p>The drug use and complaints of bad parenting sound like a familiar pattern: a kid who may be self-medicating an undiagnosed condition like depression, anxiety, bipolar, or possibly even schizophrenia. A kid can suffer quietly from one of these for years and interpret the symptoms as something caused by the environment rather than something triggered by the environment (there is an important difference).</p>
<p>I believe this is the age (around 18) that some disorders surface or become more obvious, so that could be in play. </p>
<p>The “bad parenting” line is just crap unless this kid was neglected, overly-indulged or similar. Since the older child is doing fine, it doesn’t sound like “bad parenting” is true (altho as parents, we all make mistakes!!!) Did the child give you any specifics? Please provide those. Not because they would be believable, but because they would give insight into where his mind is at. Is he saying things like: you did too much for me? You didn’t make me develop good study habits? You didn’t make me do ________. </p>
<p>In the next few days, try to brainstorm an offer too good to refuse as to why he should enter rehab. You can’t make him go, but you could offer something that would make it desirable. After all, if he stays home from school this semester, he can’t just hang out on your couch…right?</p>
<p>A kid can suffer quietly from one of these for years and interpret the symptoms as something caused by the environment rather than something triggered by the environment (there is an important difference).</p>
<p>this is very true. I know someone who had a serious breakdown while in college…couldn’t attend classes, couldn’t get out of bed, couldn’t even drive himself, etc. I asked what caused it, he said, “my brother was at my college and he transferred to another school.” (the two brothers were at a college that they commuted to from home). What? I knew that that couldn’t “cause” a serious breakdown…afterall, students lose parents/siblings/friends to death while in college w/o having serious mental breakdowns, and this person becomes completely incapacitated and breaks down when his sibling transfers to another school??? Turns out the person was later Dx’d with Major Mood Depression, Anxiety, and two personality disorders (NPD/BPD)</p>
<p>If your agreement was that you would pay if he maintained. 3.0, I’m not sure what else there is to say. You fulfilled YOUR part and he did not. </p>
<p>The part about families hiring professionals to market their musicians is just plain garbage. The MOST important skill a musician needs (other than their musical ability) is how to sell THEMSELVES. Period.</p>
<p>Have your kid take a leave of absence from his school. That way he can return if things turn around. HOWEVER, find out if students on leaves are permitted to take courses at other colleges. Some schools of NOT permit that…and others do.</p>
<p>The part about families hiring professionals to market their musicians is just plain garbage. The MOST important skill a musician needs (other than their musical ability) is how to sell THEMSELVES. Period.</p>
<p>And if that’s the student’s sole reason to throw the “bad parenting” label out there, they you have an entitled child on your hands. If it goes deeper than that (a PD for instance) then entitlement attitudes, blaming others for your own failures, and substance abuse will continue on.</p>
<p>The son is in danger. Nitrous oxide is Russian roulette.</p>
<p>It isn’t the end of the world to come home and regroup, get counseling, then foray out in ways that are possible.</p>
<p>As a jazz musician, he may be able to continue with music at the same time.</p>
<p>Finally, I would suggest heading over to the music forum. The issue of parents discouraging music, whether subtly or not, comes up all the time. It does sound like some of your comments might have been misinterpreted as not being supportive of music studies. Often, that forum discusses how major does not have to match work anyway, and 4 years to wholeheartedly pursue something the kid loves is invaluable.</p>
<p>As for premed, a few years back I read that as a group, music majors have the highest admit rate to medical school, at 66%. Not sure if that is true anymore: this was 4 or 5 years ago. But it makes the point, if med school is the end goal for him. It sounds like he could use more flexibility in the life goals envisioned for him though.</p>
<p>You may want to see what the procedure is to get your son a leave of absence. His grades may place him on probation and that could be a factor. </p>
<p>I would encourage you not to take the bait about “bad parenting.” My parents are depression age and one had a storybook hard childhood. Like tons of other people around the world who’ve actually had rough lives, they have never used/ abused drugs and became successful, hardworking adults. </p>
<p>I agree with many of the other posts that, right now, I would be trying to get my kid into rehab, inpatient if you have the funds. And I agree that unstructured, unsupervised time is the enemy. </p>
<p>I don’t think this is a ■■■■■. I figured it’s probably a regular who posted under a new name for privacy’s sake. But the one thing I always think about this kind of thing is that it may be helpful to someone in the future. Cc threads come up pretty frequently when I do internet searches and I do think there’s a lot of combined wisdom here.</p>
<p>Physician here. Nitrous oxide has a place as an anesthetic but no place else. This is drug abuse with consequences. This child needs intervention- rehab and counseling for his problems. Do NOT let him return to any school before he gets his head straightened out. Boredom may have led to fooling around et al but he needs better coping skills. Parents can do all they can but they cannot control a teen or older child. Parents are not to blame unless they become enablers instead of getting him the help he needs.</p>