I have two children at the same big state university. The older one is doing great and loves school, friends, etc. The younger one is absolutlley miserable and calls home, or drives home, crying hysterically on a regular basis. For one reason or another, she has not been able to make friends and find her place at such a big school. She refuses to consider transferring to a community college at home and cannot transfer at this point to the state technical school due to credits. Anyone else have this experience with a child and what did you do? Did they tough it out and come to like school by senior year? Or were they miserable the entire 4 years? Not the college dream she had imagined. And to add - I know she has the ability to make friends and has done so successfully on summer trips - they just don’t go to her school!
“Crying hysterically on a regular basis” suggests something more serious could be going on.
What does your “mom gut” tell you about her well being?
If she’s this miserable, it might be time to consider withdrawing. What’s the point of staying? And what are her odds of doing well academically if she’s this miserable?
Discuss with the the possibility of getting a health-related withdrawal. This happens a lot, and the school should be able to advise her on how to go about it. Allow her time to figure out the next step, whether that means returning to the campus next semester, or taking the entire year off in preparation for a transfer to another school altogether.
A semester, or even a year off during undergraduate studies is no big deal. But your daughter’s mental well being is. Here’s wishing you both good luck!
Big state universities usually have something for everybody. Sometimes you’ve just got to find it (or a parent can).
But to make that happen you can’t come home regularly. Gotta stick around to participate.
You simply can’t make friends if you go home on a regular basis. Or cut yourself off from people.
Intentionally or otherwise.
I had a roommate (a really nice girl) who thought she needed to study every Friday night, even following a test that same day. She was obsessed with grades and studying. So stressed. And then she’d go home in between. If she didn’t have friends it was not our fault. We tried.
Big sis got a clue that maybe you are unaware of?
Roommates? Classes or professors?
If she really is “crying hysterically” then something else pretty big is going on. Anxiety problems? Academic stress?
Just a release from pent up stress? Need to find new outlet for stress? Gym?
Does the school feel too big? I remember feeling overwhelmed before starting college at a big college.
Until my sister told me how small the actual universe is. You see the same small group of people every day. The same classes, sit next to the same people, even pass the exact same group of students on the street as you cross the street (since everybody has a schedule). Same people at the same time at the student union doing the same activities. She said it’s surprising you don’t get bored with each other. People are creatures of habit–embrace it.
Just study your surroundings and you know how true that is. Hate it now? Hang in there–there is always next semester.
Does she have a solution to her problem?
She’s rejected community college. Although that could be a good stepping stone for her.
Not sure why can’t transfer–go home and get credits, then transfer could be a solution.
Her school is about 23,000 undergrad. It’s big. She just has it in her mind that she is different than everyone else and belongs at the tech school. She could attempt to transfer if she took another high level calc next semester and passed it along with chem/bio. The school accepted about 700 transfers last year so there is little guarantee! Good idea to notice people on your same path everyday. And I guess a counselor might be in order.
It’s a matter of perspective. I think of 23K as mid size at best, not big!
Perspective really DOES matter!
If you lived in a very small town–say 25K–would you expect to know everyone? Would you even care?
(If you have a mall in your town you’ve got 100K people probably. Is that scary or just the norm?)
Most likely the town you’ve lived in all your life is bigger than that. Is that scary?
Large universities are just small towns. Only with super perks–the main inhabitants are close in age and have common goals and aspirations. It should be easier to find like-minded souls. The entire place exists for that purpose.
Because they are towns with inhabitants with common goals but different personalities they offer a wide variety of activities to cater to many different types of people.
Part of growing up is learning to connect to others and a fairly large university is a great place to be.
There is a club, sport, church group, dorm group, or class study group that fits for your D.
You only need pick one to make a connection. You don’t need a million friends but a couple good ones is great. It’s like a Twitter feed…it grows.
In that large of an university is a like-minded set of kids just the same as what she thinks she’ll meet at the tech school. Maybe she’s looking in the wrong places.
She can’t make connections though by coming home regularly She needs to stick around and join the group to make friends. Telling people a constant “no, can’t make it” means the invite will disappear–and it’s because they’ve been cut off on a regular basis and not because they don’t like you.
Can she take a medical leave for the semester? She can get to the bottom of this through therapy, regroup, figure out her next steps.
It may be the college, it may be something else. Kid coming home crying is a symptom that needs to be addressed.
Can she take a medical leave for the semester? She can get to the bottom of this through therapy, regroup, figure out her next steps.
It may be the college, it may be something else. Kid coming home crying is a symptom that needs to be addressed.