Help! What else should we DO?

Parents Forum
1

<p>I got an email from my son saying he is overwhelmed and unhappy--on the 2nd day of the quarter. I have talked to him, but need advice about what else I should do. </p>

<p>Son is a freshman at a rigorous out of state public. He was valedictorian in high school, had a GREAT job with high pay and lots of recognition. Athletic, outgoing and socially well adjusted though he was RARELY the one initiating social plans. And, he's always been a homebody. He LOVES our community and is VERY connected to the outdoor recreational activities here. His main outdoor hobby/passtime is also his biggest stress reliever. </p>

<p>At thanksgiving, things seemed fine. He spends a lot of time with his roommate, has made a few friends, and even managed to find a few who can have fun without drinking (something he was VERY concerned about before school started.) He likes his campus and after his introduction to his major class, he was feeling even more sure and excited about his engineering career choice. </p>

<p>Oh, and he has a very serious girlfriend still in high school. He loves her. We LOVE her. This girl has got her act together more than anyone I know, including adults. We can definitely see what the attraction is. We all know though what they don't though, that in all likelihood, the relationship is temporary. He knows that he should make decisions independent of that relationship, but that doesn't change the fact that he misses her. </p>

<p>Over Christmas break he made a few comments about keeping his option to transfer next year open but didn't really elaborate. Christams break for him was probably the most fun three weeks of his life--for the first time since he turned 15 no work, no school, no homework, just family and fun. Fast forward to today: classes from 8am to 9pm including chemistry I, physicsII and calcIII. He says he was already lost in Chem and Physics--a feeling he has never encountered before. He's concerned now that he isn't cut out to be an engineer and the fact that he misses GF makes it all 10 times worse. When he got back to campus Sunday he sent me a text saying he was really sad--moreso even than he was when we left home in the fall. </p>

<p>He said he is determined to finish out the year but is resigned to the fact that he is just going to be unhappy. Basically everything this kid touches, until now, turns to gold. I saw this coming and tried to prepare him as best I knew how, but that didn't work. </p>

<p>He is going to see his advisor tomorrow and I am going to make an appointment for him to go talk to a counselor. He doesn't want to go, but I basically insisted that he try it once, and he reluctantly agreed. </p>

<p>What else should I do? He is close to us (parents) and his sister and says that he is just really homesick. I am wondering if he is depressed. I know he is not getting his usual healthy diet or physcial activity. Obviously I want to help him and I realize that the most important role I can take is to help him figure out how to help himself but I am not sure how.</p>

2

<p>This may sound reductionist, but in our family we found out that a certain amount of sleep and exercise is crucial to being able to feel happy. It’s hard to do when a student is so busy with demanding classes, but for some, it has to be a priority.
I think the counselor is a good idea, but he might report that it didn’t do any good, and, whether he thought that or not, I think he would need to go for a couple of months before judging whether it helped.
Final thought: we get a lot of messages from the world, the media, our friends, etc., but we are all different, and sometimes it is hard to go against the external messages. I’m not saying he should return to home for school, but I’m not saying he shouldn’t. It just might be great for him. Common wisdom might say that he will grow more from learning to master the situation he is currently in…but I just don’t think there is a map, and that different people might benefit from different choices.
Best of luck to your son!!</p>

3

<p>Dear Scubasue,</p>

<p>Your son sounds like a great kid. Period. And seeking to help him help himself sounds extremely sensible, too.</p>

<p>Doubtless you’ll receive a fair amount of advice in response to your post - and it’s a given that some you will find accord with and some you will not. Mine advice, quite possibly, will reside amidst that which you don’t want to hear. That said, it bears repeating that your description of your son is one of a fine young man. He sounds like one who carries with him all the hallmarks for success: he is smart, well-socialized, can find happy personal matches, and isn’t interested in self-medicating. He also sounds like an individual who is beginning to do precisely what we parents (in my opinion, at least) want most for their offspring: he is beginning to know his own mind. Perhaps - I don’t know, of course - he also may feel that he has to justify his previous decisions (e.g. being accepted into and attending a rigorous OOS university, pursuing a demanding course of study, having a background of high visibility in his home community) in light of his own expectations of himself and/or his views about the expectations of others and his perceptions of their views about him.</p>

<p>You’ve already probably been doing this, but if your son’s issues are self-expectation issues (which can be a variant of perfectionism), I wonder if he shouldn’t be reassured that it’s alright for people to change their minds. No one who matters to him, including himself, should or will judge him harshly for knowing himself well enough to change his direction. No one - certainly no one that matters - will think that he’s unreliable or that he’s a fool or that he lacks discipline or willpower. What matters is that he has identified a problem (and probably its answer) and is having a hard time grasping that it’s alright to change tack (or, perhaps, explaining to others who are important to him that he wishes to change tack), especially if he doesn’t yet have a ‘replacement’ course in mind - or he can’t yet quite convince himself that any ‘replacement’ will be as prestigious or lucrative or whatever it is that he has envisaged about himself that now might need to be - and can be! - re-envisioned as well.</p>

<p>Putative advantages sometimes exist in sticking out a difficult situation. Even if there might be some advantages in maintaining the status quo in your son’s situation however, why don’t you consider exploring how he might immediately defer from his current university for this semester? I don’t know whether he considered, or whether he might have taken a gap year already, but in life’s scheme, that he would miss a semester is not problematic in the least. It wouldn’t matter if he returned home - even to sleep and just have three (or twelve) more of those ‘most fun weeks of his life’. He will know - and you know, too - that this will be a temporary ‘time out’. Certainly no university will begrudge a student taking time to make better informed decisions about how to proceed. All up, it seems to me that your son’s situation isn’t about some type of failure. The toe he has dipped into higher education thus far has been doing exactly what higher education is meant to do: it’s helping him think about the things that are truest for him.</p>

<p>I wish you and your son all the best in addressing his current dilemma. As I said, he sounds like a terrific young man. All those things that make him terrific won’t disappear if he doesn’t continue this quarter. And if he does decide to continue, maybe he simply should withdraw from his current courses asap and try others that sound interesting to him (even if he decides later to start taking the same courses he has withdrawn from again sometime). At the risk of being grossly presumptuous (yet more!), it seems to me that he just needs to know that it’s alright to make decisions that are different from the decisions originally made. A new direction is just that: new. Find one or more directions that he can be impassioned by and pursue them instead. No harm, no foul. His decision-making now is admirable, not fatal.</p>

<p>All the best.</p>

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<p>scubasue, your son sounds so wonderful, and you do too! So I have a feeling you can trust your instincts and whatever you do will work out very well. I think your son’s plan to stick out this semester and apply to transfer is very smart-- partly because I suspect that in the course of the next month or so he will start to feel much, much better. </p>

<p>Engineering is daunting major even for the brightest kid–it’s to be expected that he’d feel at sea. And I think this-- the beginning of second semester, is the hardest time of a college kid’s career. Suddenly it’s not the exciting new place anymore, but it’s not home yet either. The work piles on, it’s cold outside, your usual coping mechanisms aren’t right at hand…I remember being miserable myself, determining to transfer, and by spring, feeling completely at home and ready for the next challenge! </p>

<p>I almost think it’s harder for you who has to suffer it all second hand and too far to be a lot of help. I have the strongest feeling from what you say that your son is going to make the decisions necessary to handle this all beautifully, whether it’s transferring, dropping a course, trying counseling…whatever. He’s lucky to have a solid family who cares so much about him and I’m sure that is helping him more than you know even now.</p>

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<p>I dunno. It sounds to me like this kid might just be having a little blip. Just had his wonderful three weeks at home with gf, has been thrust back into school and tough classes. Who wouldn’t be sad? Engineering <em>is</em> tough and he will have classes that he will struggle in, particularly early on when he’s taking the core courses. I’d probably start my mantra of “Relax. It’s okay. You can do it.”</p>

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<p>Unless he wants to be a physics major…engineering physics suuuuuuuuuucks…same with chem II… and calc 3…granted O chem and p chem will also not be fun and def eq, again not fun UNLESS you are a math major…</p>

<p>so his not ENJOYING classes, understandable…</p>

<p>Both my sons (1 engineering and 1 pre-med) took all the above and more and did not enjoy them. Got through them. Both daughters, 1 pre-vet and the other pre-med also strongly disliked same said courses but managed to get through.</p>

<p>They balanced their “ugh” courses with courses from their respective majors with electives for their minors and just for “fun” courses. 1 son is a mech e major other was an economics major with a hellinic studies minor. Oldest daughter was an animal science major with an equine studies minor and younger daughter a Classics major with a Latin minor, 3 of the 4 were D1 athletes. Again their athletics were HUGE stress relievers and it was a big help in balancing their “ugh” classes.</p>

<p>All went away to OOS schools however, the oldest recognized how much she missed home and transfered to a local state school after her first year. She ended up with a gap year due to us relocating and her needing to establish state residency but it worked out very well. The pre-vet program and vet school in the new state were a much better fit and much, much more affordable. CA (UC) tuition to in-state NC tuition. Tens of thousands to under $4K. So her homesickness was justified not only in her perceived happiness but with a thought to future finances of the family as a whole. For undergrad as well as very, very pricey graduate school…hundreds of thousands compared to $40,000 for al 4 years of vet school.</p>

<p>She was/is a smart girl and I trusted her judgement. Other daughter went 3000 miles away and was homesick off and on again but she remained for all 4 years. And it is playing a role in her decisions for grad school, somewhat, but only in so much as to what she can and cannot handle as far as distance, ease of airport access, weather and climate and finances. Great as a learning opportunity.</p>

<p>So whether your son has his engineering pre-reqs closer to home or far away they will be difficult. He needs to get through it. However, if he really dislikes his new “home” for the next 4 years that is another discussion. There is no set order as to how he needs to do things. There is something to be said for sticking it out but at the same time he needs to know when to cut his losses and get out.</p>

<p>You can listen and help guide but only he knows just how miserable he is and how much he wants to be where he is. But again, is classes would be hard no matter where he was, those are hard classes. And its not like engineering courses will get easier. Statics, dynamics, fluids…you gotta like engineering to do well in those.</p>

<p>College is about discovering what you like/dislike/strengths/weaknesses…trust his instincts and trust yours and listen.</p>

<p>Good luck and good thoughts to you and your son.</p>

<p>Kat</p>

7

<p>Does he have to take Chem I, Physics II, and Calc III all this semester?? It seems to me that if he could switch his schedule and take one of these next semester, it might help. Also, changing his schedule so that he didn’t have classes from 8am to 9pm on Monday, with all 3 of those classes on the same day would be helpful too. I know there are other issues, but who wouldn’t be overwhelmed, depressed and discouraged with that schedule??</p>

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<p>Our 16 year old moved with us to Mexico this summer. Even though she had us with her, it was hard for her to go to a new high school after going to the same school since she was 5. We went back to the States for a weekend in Sep, and she had a hard time leaving, cried most of the way home. We went back again in Nov and she went back to her old school to visit. This time she was anxious to go back to Mexico to see her new friends (events and parties planned). I asked her what changed. She said that she felt people have moved on, and she could see some benefit in being in different school and culture.</p>

<p>I, on the other hand, was doing very well, I guess because I was so busy at work I didn’t have time to miss home. We were home for the holidays, our intention was to be there for one week, due to the storm we were there for 2 weeks, and I had a hard time leaving. I did everything I wanted to do while I was home - familiar food, friends, snow, shopping, xmas. D2 was more anxious to return to Mexico (she was done with snow and cold weather).</p>

<p>What I am trying to say is that people adjust differently. D2 wrote an essay about her transition over the holiday break for one of her summer programs. It brought tears to my eyes. She talked about not knowing anyone when everyone in the school all knew each other. But she also talked about how after crying for few weeks, she realized that there was no going backward and she needed to move forward. It was only when she came to that realization she started reaching out to people at her new school. She ended by saying that she now knows she has the inner strength to pull herself together to adapt to different environment. I tried to help D2 by talking to her, her older sister also had many conversatiions with her. At the end, she had to be the one to make the effort.</p>

<p>I think in OP’s son’s case is too good of time at home for 3 weeks, with long winter ahead, and a heavy course load, he is just feeling a bit depressed. He may get over it in few days when the social life is in full swing again.</p>

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<p>My daughter had a similar experience during the first half of her freshman semester. In high school she was popular, successful, had a huge group of friends, a fun job, close family life, and loved living in our community. She was excited to move to school (out of state but within driving distance) and begin a new chapter in her life. Then reality hit. </p>

<p>She began Greek rush the first week of school, after two weeks of rejection from houses that she thought she wanted to be a part of she “suicided” and ultimately was rejected from the one house that she had hoped to become a part of. It was her first real rejection in life and it stung! Then she discovered that living in a dorm room with someone who had the opposite personality (roommate slept through most classes, stayed up late, very messy; DD was up early, studied, tried to get to bed early, became a neat freak) was not fun. Finally, she was taking Chem, Calc, and some gen eds that she wasn’t crazy about. Add in missing her HS friends and family and it was overwhelming.</p>

<p>Thankfully, her HS boyfriend happened to be at the same university and being the sweet guy that he is made sure to keep her on a healthy schedule. They ate together, worked out together daily, and studied together. After six weeks she began to enjoy school and made a new group of friends who shared common interests. </p>

<p>Sometimes homesickness hits sooner than later, but sometimes it’s just the opposite. Your DS was home for the holidays and realized how much he missed home and his girlfriend. His classes are tough and right now he probably isn’t ready to dive back in to the grind of homework and studying. </p>

<p>Give him some time to get back into the swing of things. He sounds like he has a good head on his shoulders and will re-adjust to school and be just fine. You can re-evaluate after the first year is over and if he still feels like he’d be happier closer to home or changing majors then let him change. It’s his life and he needs to do what makes him happy. </p>

<p>One more thing, don’t underestimate HS romances. My husband is a year older than me and we began dating in high school. He spent a year away at college when I was a senior in HS and we never broke up during that time, or ever. Today we are happily ready to celebrate 32 years as a couple and 22 as a married couple. Love can happen to 18 and 19 year olds, if they want to end up in the same college it can be a good thing. </p>

<p>Good luck to you, although your son sounds like such a great kid that I believe that all will be fine.</p>

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<p>What a great kid you have!
There is nothing like the first day of class - being hit with several syllabi that look totally overwhelming - and to do this from 8AM to 9PM just sounds like it would freak anyone out!
But - breaking it down into smaller manageable pieces, at least in his mind, would help.
And, I agree with inspired - does he have to take all of these classes at the same time? I realize that engineering has a sequence, but perhaps he could take one of these over the summer at home - this is something he could ask his advisor about the credit transferring and/or counting as a prereq for his subsequent courses.
Additionally, the gf situation is probably accounting for much more of the situation than anything else. Is she a senior and if so, what will she do after she graduates?
I agree with the poster who suggested regular exercise and sleep! He may think that he does not have time for these, but in reality he does not have time NOT to do these! Perhaps he could work out a schedule for himself that includes these elements.
If your son was an active community member at home, he can be an active community member at college. He can schedule in some sort of involvement, outside of engineering.
He may be surrounded by engineering students who are not social at all but are very, very hardworking. If he is social, he may need to find another outlet - in the form of a school or community service activity with completely different people.
Good luck and keep us posted!</p>

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<p>Scuba, I feel your pain! Your son and his situation very much mirrors my son. My S has not gone back yet from Christmas vacation, but I expect much of the same to happen. Almost a month of very little responsibility (no studying, no work, freedom to fall back into the safe, easy home routine) and #1 - easy access to time w/GF. I am anticipating a case of COLD TURKEY when he goes back!</p>

<p>Literally provide the support and help to just deal with one day at a time right now. Remind him of the awesome young man he is and how his past (high school) was a testiment to his ability to adapt WITH TIME. For those kids who were “on top” in HS - m S was the same - to go to the bottom of the food chain can be a major social and emotional crash. </p>

<p>I do think it can be good to have someone at the college to talk to in addition to at home (family, friends, GF) - an advisor or a counselor. My S did go see the counselor once just before Christmas break - he actually enjoyed it (said, “Mom, it was just like talking to you!” - aww!) and is suppose to see them again after he returns - they recommend something like 4 or 5 visits to help the student out. I would have NEVER guessed that my social, confident S would be in this place - unsure, not always confident, etc. - BUT he is - so better to deal, and adjust to getting some assistance to work through it.</p>

<p>Keep us updated on how he is doing…</p>

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<p>Great advice has already been given but it doesn’t make it feel any better. My daughter, a sophomore, called last night (2nd day of classes) and was hysterical - her body aches (too many physical classes), she’s already behind in one class (it’s the first class, how can that be?), she hasn’t done any food shopping so she’s starving, etc. etc. etc. She can’t talk anymore, she has to go to a class and then to rehearsal, but I don’t waaaannnnntttttt tooooooo!!! (whine/cry).</p>

<p>College is filled with landmines waiting to go off. It sounds funny to most of us but making all these choices is exhausting for our kids especially after the thrill is gone (2nd term). Many kids revert in so many ways during their winter break; cocooning, being totally irresponsible, thankful for parental assistance, etc. It’s toddlerhood all over again - they want freedom and independence in theory but are overwhelmed by it at the same time. They vent to us and then move on while we stay awake worrying. It’s all part of the process and it sucks for all involved!</p>

<p>Went onto Facebook before going to bed and she was on so I IMd her; she’s in a production meeting, can I call in 10 minutes. Called in 15 minutes, she picks up and hangs up, sends me an email - meeting still going on, call in another 10. I call in 15 again and she says, what do you want? Hello, is this the same girl who was hysterical 3 hours ago? Now I’m irritating her with my concern because everything’s great. It’s been 1 1/2 years, I should know better by now, but I don’t, it always gnaws at me and I have to follow up.</p>

<p>As others have said, brainstorm, suggest but don’t overreact (hard as that might be). Follow his lead and remember, you’re his sounding board and his mommy, and like a toddler he wants you to kiss it better. Like an 18 or 19 year old, he’d be horrified if you did!</p>

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<p>Can’t get much clearer than this, katwkittens…</p>

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<p>oldfort hasn’t used the technical language I would have chosen, but I agree with his basic analysis. A fair part of what your son is feeling is probably culture shock.</p>

<p>When we move into a new, and much anticipated, environment, it is normal for us to go through a very happy “honeymoon” period. Then as we get to know that environment and its particular challenges better, and we find out how it differs from our previous environment, we become increasingly unhappy. In an international move, the bottoming out tends to fall around 6-9 months. With increased experience and understanding of the new environment, our happiness levels increase, and most people feel at home in the new environment by the end of the first calendar year. As always, individual mileage does vary, and within one family the rate of adaptation can be quite different from one member to another.</p>

<p>If your son is the type who could accept this analysis of his situation, I’d suggest he take a look at “The Art of Crossing Cultures” by Craig Storti. It’s a pretty quick read, and it offers very specific behavioral tools for helping yourself get through the adaptation process. Yes, he’s still in the US, but he is in a very different environment than his old HS. It makes complete sense that he has good and bad days there.</p>

<p>Oh and that icky class thing, that’s true too. If he can drop one of them and take something fun it might make all the difference.</p>

<p>Wishing you all the best!</p>

15

<p>scubasue – hugs! I really think he will figure it out. He may go back and forth on transferring all semester. But he is there NOW, so you need to help him focus on that. Have you eaten . . . slept . . . worked out . . . seen a tutor? Good positive things to get him through his day.
Some kids really are homebodies. My oldest is.
I also think we parents underestimate the stress of a longterm relationship. Yes, this relationship may not last a lifetime, but it is probably one of the most important things in his life right now. Problems arise in every configuration – bfs and gfs at different universities, at the same university, one at home, one not – it’s not easy because they have to grow and change. Only time will show if they do it together.</p>

16

<p>I agree with Happymomof1 and also with katwkittens. </p>

<p>When D was going on an international exchange in high school AFS warned us that there was going to be a few months of honeymoon – when everything is new and exciting – and then a very significant slump as the exchange student realizes that everything is new and different and not at all like home, and this is when the homesickness peaks. It really helped to have gotten that message so strongly from returnees and advisors before she left, because it was absolutely true. Unfortunately, colleges and high schools do little to alert new college students that they may experience something very similar. </p>

<p>And the course load this semester sounds like a grind. Study groups may be a help – my guess is that if your son is finding it scary and challenging, so are lots of other students. </p>

<p>One other thought:
A very good friend of mine graduated at the top of his class from a small high school in a rural area, and headed off to Harvard. He really struggled, because he was suddenly in a situation where, for the first time ever, he really had to work, and it was hard. High school had been, relatively speaking, a cruise. He persevered, and eventually finished a doctorate at another Ivy.</p>

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<p>In my opinion a family visit to him may remove a lot of his back to school stress and give him more confidence and motivation.</p>

18

<p>Two possible issues that may be here other than the issues everyone else has already addressed- First SAD. Just today, there was a report that 60% of Americans suffer from this resulting in lower productivity and just the winter blahs. For some, it is a lot more serious. I don’t think it is a coincidence that my son’s major depressive episodes start in late Fall/winter and get worse when he decides to hibernate and never come out in the day. </p>

<p>Which brings me up to the second point- major depression. I am not saying he has that now and he probably doesn’t. But it is something that you need to watch out for. For my son, it didn’t happen in his freshman year. It happened in his junior year and precipitators were feeling overwhelmed in classes, breaking up with his girlfriend, and of course, winter.</p>

19

<p>It does sound like he is missing home after the long break. Remind him that schools like to hit engineering students hard to weed some out at this point. He should find some homework/study groups for those classes he is finding difficult. He does not need to get all A’s in them! If he can get out and get some exercise, it would probably help.</p>

20

<p>I agree with MilitaryMom. I think SAD could be one small piece of the puzzle. My daughter had similar issues last winter (second semester, first year). One thing she is going to do this winter is to schedule daily 15 to 30 minute light therapy sessions provided by her college’s Health and Wellness Center.</p>