Help! What else should we DO?

Parents Forum
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<p>My freshman daughter attends the same college and, yes, they do have Zipcars. The area surrounding the school is actually very conducive to outdoor/nature activities. Of course, not as much now in the Winter. I’m not familiar with fishing, other than in the nearby ocean. But, there’s rock climbing, hiking, biking, ocean sports. And, of course the intramurals at school. I know they have planned activities through the ASI and outdoor equipment rentals. Again, I’m not sure if they have fishing excursions. I bet he can find out, though! Best wishes to your son. </p>

<p>We also just drove our daughter back to school, (in the pouring rain.) Yes, she also had to leave her friends and very serious boyfriend behind. I realize she’s only 3 hours away, though. But, her classes, including Chemistry, are definitely going to be harder this quarter. Let’s face it, this quarter won’t feel as “fun” like when they had the Week of Welcome on the Fall. I’ve tried to encourage my daughter to get involved in more activities and clubs on campus. Like your son, things came fairly easy to her in h.s. and she really didn’t have to reach out to find her niche. College is a different ballgame in many ways. But, it’s not in her nature to be as outgoing as I personally think she *should *be. :slight_smile: I’m sure that some of that is because she’s putting some energy into maintaining the long distance relationship with her boyfriend. On the other hand, she seems very happy just hanging out with her new “family” in the dorm. And, I know she’ll make more acquaintences and friends later, particularly in her major. I’m sure this will be the case for your son, as well. Definitely encourage him to find an intramural sport! And, I remember during the Parent/Student Orientation how they encouraged students to talk to the various counselors or advisors on campus. </p>

<p>Good luck to him! It’s not easy when we can’t be there to help guide them along.:)</p>

<p>UPDATE: I just saw your last couple of posts. First of all, his girlfriend sounds mature and encouraging. That helps! Secondly, it looks like what you’re doing is good—just standing back a bit and allowing things to either fall into place—or not. Time will tell, but he’s got some options. Good luck!</p>

<p>**twomules posted:</p>

<p>Does his campus have a system like Zipcars- short term, by the hour car rentals? Could you give him the okay to go off on a Saturday each month to get by some water and fish? Perhaps he could teach some students. My daughter’s campus has an outdoor society that will even reimburse the costs of going off into nature and the dining hall will pack food for them.**</p>

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<p>And just another anecdote–I decided part-way into one fall semester that I really didn’t like EE <em>at all</em>. Found out if I withdrew by the end of that week my parents would get a refund of tuition, so dropped out of that semester as well as the spring. I did not go home, but stayed in my college town and worked several jobs. (I was already in an off-campus apartment by then.) Figured out the major I should have been in all along and returned the next fall in that major (and never looked back).</p>

<p>I’m not sure how kids decide so young <em>which</em> of the engineering majors they’re leaning toward, but I’d guess changing ones mind isn’t uncommon at all.</p>

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<p>Update: I just got off the phone with an admissions rep at flagship u and unfortunately that is no longer an option. They basically only accept students with 90 credit hours with the majority of the lower level requirements toward the major they are applying for. </p>

<p>Apparently, there is absolutely no weight given to high school academics in the admissions process at all, so his record there is no help. </p>

<p>I asked about the possibility of trying to transfer as a new incoming freshman without transferring credits. He said that then son would have to hope that UW didn’t find out about his previous school, because they require info about your entire academic history. </p>

<p>OMG…husband and I are freaking out more than ever now…we should have investigated all this transfer stuff before we made a decision about school. </p>

<p>Of course we just don’t know yet whether he will still want to transfer at the end of the quarter, or year, but the thought of having only one option is so uncomfortable!</p>

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<p>Take a deep breath, and then have a couple of spoonfuls of Haagan-Daz. You have a great kid with a great head on his shoulders, and he still has many options open to him. Plus, the lecture went well for him and he seems to be seeing things with some perspective.
I don’t think that he should make any rash decisions now. If he wants to change majors, fine, but he can make that decision after this semester is well under way or over. I’m sure that he has taken some core courses (chemistry, physics, English) that will fulfill requirements for another major if he so chooses. But now - while emotions have the better of him - he may not see things as rationally as he might after things settle.
Good luck!</p>

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<p>Cyber hugs to you scubasue!</p>

<p>You are an amazing mom and I can tell how close you are to your son. While this type of relationship makes his pain hurt you so much more, the fact that he’s sharing this with you and you are an active part, is the world of difference to him. Above all he is not alone. He is not facing frustration by himself. He has loving, caring, understanding, and supportive parents who are right there with him. Many kids don’t have this and things spiral out of control before anyone at home knows. </p>

<p>I am reading your posts, knowing this could be my son in a year. It’s very hard. I do know that two of the top achievers in the last two years at his STEM based high school switched out of engineering their first year. One was a shocker, one not so much. I can’t imagine my son doing anything else, but it opened my eyes to the fact that he may, and I need to let that be okay. It’s cut-throat.</p>

<p>Please let us know how he’s doing, and don’t forget to take care of yourself.</p>

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<p>That’s silly. Go straight for the wine.</p>

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<p>“That’s silly. Go straight for the wine.” :slight_smile: I am really not much of a drinker, but husband is taking daughter snowboarding on Saturday and I’ve made a happy our date with my girlfriends–all of whom have older kids in college, so I look forwarding to soliciting some real life wisdom, too. </p>

<p>For as much as I anticipated this, it is surprising to me how completely unprepared I am to help S deal with it all. You all have been a godsend. </p>

<p>I ended up suggesting today that he drop his Physics class. I looked at the professor ratings, and the prof has .5 stars out of 4 with 120 evaluations almost all of which comment on his unproffesional demeanor and his lack of ability to communicate with students. </p>

<p>Somehow, it made me feel better to know that sons assessment of that class may not be an overreaction. And regardless of the rest of the situation or his future plans I feel VERY strongly that he is better off with a gap between Physics I and Physics II if he can get a stellar professor next quarter. And there appear to be many great professors in that department, so that shouldn’t be an issue. </p>

<p>I told son to try to find an easy A/fun class to fill up the hours. But if adding a class is not an option any longer I am fine with him taking only 11 credits under the circumstances. He had enough credits from AP and community college classes going in that one light quarter won’t kill him, though it will be an added financial challenge. </p>

<p>He says he’s been studying in the library, instead of the dorm room and has also found a good math study group, so he is forging ahead. That is somewhat of a relief. </p>

<p>MyLB: I have considered the possibility of encouraging son to come home now. But, I really don’t think that is a good idea in his case. I really want him to learn that with a little hard work he can succeed. Things have always come so easy to him, I really don’t want to let him jump ship the first time he’s facing real academic challenges. I truly believe that he is going to grow up a LOT this quarter. </p>

<p>Even if he doesn’t stick with engineering, I’m willing to bet my bottom dollar that he will end up in some science related field, so these classes will be useful to him in one way or another. </p>

<p>Levirm: I’m probably giving away enough information here that people are going to be able to figure out what school I am talking about. But I guess I am beyond caring right now. I know this is helping me and I am sure the thread will help other parents in the future. So, with that in mind: an unfortunate complication to this whole situation is the fact that son is at a school where it is almost impossible to change majors. And, he can’t just start taking a few classes here and there to try to get a better idea of what he wants to do. </p>

<p>Add to that, he selected his school because of it’s reputation in this particular major. With out of state tuition, we have all had to make significant financial sacrifices, which I really am HAPPY to do in this case. But, if, after he’s had some time to think more clearly, he is sure that he wants to change majors, even to undecided, then in all reality he is going to have to change schools. </p>

<p>Again, thanks to all of you for the kind words and the encouragment!</p>

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<p>Yes, I know which school it is. :wink: As I mentioned, my own daughter is there. I know you said he’s an Engineering major, but maybe he can switch the *type *of engineering within the major? I know some kids have started out in Materials and changed to Environmental or maybe Electrical,etc. Just a thought! Or since you said he’ll probably end up with some kind of science-based major, maybe Bio-Medical Engineering? </p>

<p>If you want to chat with someone about the school specifically, please feel free to send a private message. Even though we’re not having the same issue in your thread (except for the GF/BF back home), at least we both can share any positives or quirks about the university, itself. Or just vent, if need be! :)</p>

<p>Best of luck to your son and YOU!</p>

<p>scubasue wrote:</p>

<p>**Levirm: I’m probably giving away enough information here that people are going to be able to figure out what school I am talking about. But I guess I am beyond caring right now. I know this is helping me and I am sure the thread will help other parents in the future. So, with that in mind: an unfortunate complication to this whole situation is the fact that son is at a school where it is almost impossible to change majors. And, he can’t just start taking a few classes here and there to try to get a better idea of what he wants to do. </p>

<p>Add to that, he selected his school because of it’s reputation in this particular major. With out of state tuition, we have all had to make significant financial sacrifices, which I really am HAPPY to do in this case. But, if, after he’s had some time to think more clearly, he is sure that he wants to change majors, even to undecided, then in all reality he is going to have to change schools. </p>

<p>Again, thanks to all of you for the kind words and the encouragment!**</p>

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<p>Update: Well, it’s amazing what a little rest, relaxation and a plan can do for an attitude. Son is definitely still homesick and feels like 10 weeks is the same as 4 years, but a weekend of studying, a long, uphill hike and a couple of good study groups have made him realize that he can handle the pressure. </p>

<p>He did drop the physics class, but was able to substitute in an entry level class from his second choice major. This class will be useful to him whether he sticks with engineering or not and the instructor has “4 star” ratings. So, son is actually excited about that class. </p>

<p>He likes the chem and calc study groups a lot, too. He still says he wants to transfer and is starting to investigate his options, but he knows he will survive this quarter. Whether he decides to change schools and/or majors or not, I am sure that spring break will bring a whole new, more lucid perspective. </p>

<p>The idea that he is going to have to send out transcripts again in the spring definitely has him motivated to keep his nose to the grindstone, and his eye on the future. </p>

<p>Girlfriend has been a wonderful support…she just keeps repeating “I know you can do it. I know you can do it.” Since he pays more attention to her than us, I am thankful for the “backup”. </p>

<p>I actually slept last night. :)</p>

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<p>Glad to hear that there is light at the end of the tunnel, and not the oncoming train. His GF sounds like she deserves flowers – a very mature young lady.</p>

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<p>If there was a LIKE button here, I would push it! :)</p>

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<p>Arabrab…good idea…I think I will send flowers to GF tomorrow. She will be shocked! :slight_smile: </p>

<p>I am holding my breath for the next panicked phone call that I know will undoubtedly come, but I’m hoping son is learning that a little anxiety is normal and that he is in fact in charge of his own destiny now…</p>

<p>I reminded him tonight of a warning that I gave him purely out of financial consideration last April when we were really trying to figure out if we could scrape together 4 years of oos tuition: that we might <em>make</em> him take a couple of quarters off from his school so that he could complete his general ed requirements at a local college with instate tuition rates. I suggested tonight that he could do that winter or spring quarter of his sophomore and junior year. Now, that idea makes the time away from home and GF seem a LOT more doable. And, he has a standing job with a higher-than-he-could-possiby-earn-anywhere-else wage here too–always a good thing. </p>

<p>If he does decide to stay at his current school, I can already hear him telling me in a year that taking classes at home is a dumb idea, but for now it is comforting–one that will give him the emotional “room” to weigh his options logically. </p>

<p>Oh, and I also didn’t pass up the chance to point out to him that while he was playing intramural football on a sunny, lush lawn this afternoon, it was 26 degrees with 40 mile an hour winds here…definitely food for thought on his end. </p>

<p>2Leashes: it’s ironic that while son is down there trying to figure out how he can get home, my daughter and I are here trying to figure out how the rest of us can move there. I know you will understand that…</p>

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<p>Wow, that’s very sweet that you are thinking of sending flowers to the GF. I would have been VERY surprised if I had ever received such a gift from any of my BF’s families (even long term BFs), but everyone has different relationships. Glad to read that S is making the most of this quarter and has adjusted his courses.</p>

<p>Hope your S is able to figure out what he really wants & Spring Break may be a good time for him to reassess.</p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

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<p>Scubasue - I am just catching up and was pleased to see that things seem to be settling down for your son and that you have finally been able to sleep throught the night! Sometimes just knowing that you have options and “emotional options” can put a situation in a new light. Good luck!</p>

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<p>I thought those of you who gave me so much good advice and reassurance might like an update to this thread. Son’s quarter ended last week–MUCH better than we could have ever predicted at the beginning of the quarter! </p>

<p>After a REALLY rough start the first 3 weeks, S realized he needed to make the best out of a really tough situation. He kept himself busy studying–motivated in part by the difficulty of his classes and in even bigger part by his desire to maximize his chance to transfer next fall if he wanted to. During the middle part of the quarter, he kept himself busy working on his transfer application and essay. I think that knowing that transferring was an option and discovering that we would definitely support him if he decided to go that route relieved a LOT of stress. </p>

<p>He also spent more time mountain biking and enjoying outdoor activities in general, so that was good. </p>

<p>Bottom line: S has rediscovered why he originally loved this school. He won’t get an admission decision on his transfer app until early June, and he says he may still decide to transfer IF he is accepted. As of last week though, he says he is leaning toward just staying put. And, a few weeks ago, he was sure enough about NOT transferring next year that he put a $1K desposit down on an apartment for next year. </p>

<p>The best part of the story though is that S finished the quarter with a 4.0! He says he’s got his MOJO back and that even if he does transfer, his is not going to change majors. He is home for spring break now and is dreading his workload spring quarter, but he is not really dreading returning to school. GF has continued to be his best cheerleader. When he told her his grades today–she was simultaneously busting with pride AND completely unsurprised (S was praying for a B- in one of his classes, so he and the rest of us WERE surprised however)</p>

<p>I am hoping that the longer days, warmer temps, new bike (!) and difficult classes will make spring quarter fly by AND give him the clarity of thought he needs for big decisions. </p>

<p>For those of you who have kids in similar situations: all I can offer is the same advice I got here. Hang in there. A few weeks make a BIG difference. </p>

<p>Thanks again everyone!</p>

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<p>^^Pushing imaginary “LIKE” button, scubasue.</p>

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<p>I started with your original post and skipped to your update. Although I’m sure you got a lot of great advice, I wanted to see how it turned out. I’m so glad to hear that your son cleared that huge hurdle. Hooray for him and for you!</p>