Help with a tough choice!!

Parents Forum
1

<p>I am posting this in the parent's forum because I would like to get some of your opinions, as maybe you have gone through something similar:</p>

<p>Well, to give you a short background on myself, I go to ASU on a national merit scholarship, and am in my 2nd year. Right now I am a Classics major, but am doing the premed requirements, and plan on applying to med schools at the end of undergrad. In my 2nd year, I have over 100 credits, although I can't technically graduate in a semester or so because I need to get the pre med reqs done. Anyway, here is my dilemma. I was supposed to go play soccer in college, but a broken leg kinda ended that my senior year. Now, I have never been crazy about ASU, my life is fine and all, but I don't have the circle of interesting friends I had hoped for, classes are pretty boring, and I just don't feel a sense of community here, like I'm involved with the school. So I have always been in love with Oberlin College as a school, and I have talked with the soccer coach on a number of occasions and he still says that he would love to have me come. And I would really love playing soccer again. Most importantly, I think the switch would just offer me more of the "college experience". I'm not as happy as I could be here. Now, the argument for staying at ASU goes something like this: I only have two more years left, I am getting a 4.0, and plan on keeping it, and if the goal is to get into med school, would the transfer really benefit me in the long term? Besides, I would have to pay for Oberlin (I think, if the money issue were taken out of it, I would transfer). Okay, so I know I'm the only one that can make this decision, but I was wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation, or could offer any bits of advice to me....okay, and one last thing....that sums up all the really necessary information, so feel free to not read the end of this. But I would like to hear some input on this as well:</p>

<p>Last year, I met a girl. We dated for over a year, and I fell head over heels in love (as far as I know what love is). She has always been my friend before my girlfriend. I know this sounds corny and all, but in truth, I have never felt like I have connected with someone in the same way, and I feel like she can bring the best out of me. As James Taylor would say: I feel fine anytime she's around me now (hah I couldn't resist). Anyway, over the last few months, she's found a new guy, they have started dating, and we've had our inevitable problems about it. But somehow we're still going strong. Like she can still tell me everything about their relationship, and I'll always listen, and it has just proven to me how close we really are, apart from a relationship. Anyway, I couldn't imagine leaving her. Am I completely insane? I may be, but it would break my heart. I know that I can't make a choice for someone else, but has anyone been in such a situation. I know this sounds like the stupid boyfriend complaint that has been disastrous for many before me, but I don't know, she's just my best friend. I couldn't imagine waking up and not having the prospect of seeing her everyday. Okay, I'll shut up....Any advice on my decision one way or the other??</p>

2

<p>Tough decision... here are my thoughts:
1. DON'T stay for the ex-girlfriend.
2. Calculate the cost of loans you'll have to take out if you transfer to Oberlin <em>plus</em> the cost of med school. What kind of monthly payments will you be looking at? For how many years?
3. It doesn't sound like ASU is a good fit for you. Your intellectual happiness ("classes are pretty boring") and peace of mind ("I'm not as happy as I could be") are immeasurable.
4. Have you looked into any other colleges besides Oberlin? I don't know what kind of financial aid transfer students might receive, but it would be worth investigating.</p>

3

<p>k. as a woman, I am going to tell you something...she is playing you</p>

<p>FOr her to tell you, her ex- (wait she isn't your ex, she is your GF who is hooking up with another guy) everything about her relationship with her new man, she is not respecting their relationship at all, nor is she respecting you</p>

<p>Are you still the boyfriend? </p>

<p>To make a life decision like this over this girl is, to be honest, foolish</p>

<p>What are your friends telling you to do- stay around for this girl who likes another guy, who shares intimate information about the other guy, and yet keeps you around</p>

<p>If I was the other guy, I would not like this in the least</p>

<p>You think you are close- but look at it this way</p>

<p>She is messing around with two guys and telling at least one of them about the other...she is one "special" girl</p>

4

<p>Millions of people have been in your situation regarding relationships. Why did you break up? </p>

<p>As for the college question, how important is $80,000? Soccer?</p>

<p>A straight A student with your test scores will get into medical school. I thought you weren't sure what you wanted to study.</p>

5

<p>They aren't broken up, from what I read, she is jsut seeing both guys at the same time....and sharing intimate details....</p>

<p>To make a life decision for this girl is a mistake, unless you can live with her being with other men</p>

<p>I am going to ask a tough question...is ASU the problem, the friends part of it.really, or because you got a GF right away and seem to be pretty focused on her have you not been available for other friendships</p>

<p>I ask because, to me, an outsider, your relationship with this lady doesn;'t seem to be the healthiest, and as such I wonder </p>

<p>If you have this mentallity, going somewhere else won't make a difference until you look at yourself and the choices you are making</p>

<p>I mean, how many guys would continue seeing a girl as a GF when that girl has found and is dating another guy? not too many, I would imagine, especially after you two have been going out for over a year</p>

<p>I think you should look at yourself a bit, and I think you should REALLY expand your friendships, cause this girl, sorry she is not a good GF, no matter how she makes you feel and to hold back your life for her is, to me, a mistake, and remember, you did ask</p>

<p>Put it this way, if my D was dating a guy for a year, and he gets another GF who he is serious about, do you think I should tell my D to stay with the two timer...don't think so...she may, but I can guarantee you none of her friends would say, yeah, stay with the guy who is messing around with another girl while calling you his GF, that is a plan...and a girl that does that is seen as foolish and being used by her friends</p>

<p>remember, you asked</p>

<p>do what is right for your future, and take this girl out of the equation, because nothing good will ever come from a romantic relationship with her, not until she grows up and see how she treats others</p>

6

<p>beyond all that, Oberlin sounds wonderful for you!!! And some debt might be worth the fresh start....</p>

<p>I do think you might be happier if you didn't depend on this girl so much....but I do understand wanting to be in a more exciting challenging school, and if you transfer, you will probably have half the debt from many, and hey, it is what it is</p>

7

<p>Thanks for all the replies. Yea, I guess if I try to take a step back from the immediate circumstances of the situate, I look like a pretty dopey one....or rather am a pretty dopey one.And I know, I asked, knowing full well what the reaction would be on such a forum....I think it might help me to hear people far removed say it as well. Anyway, I don't tend to think that my relationship has restricted my social "development" as it were...The fact is that ASU is a commuter school, and coming from a high school boarding school of about 200, it was a little shocking. I think I took the environment of a small, close-knit school for granted. As far as soccer goes, I would not transfer solely to play, I made that choice when I first entered college that it wasn't going to be my life, but I do think that it is HIGHLY therapeutic for me (not to mention just plain fun). Moreover, I think being immediately introduced into that kind of group will ease the transition of school's, ie i'll at least already know a few people at the beginning. Oh, and yea, I am not positive at all that medicine is what I want to do, but I guess its the most likely course right now, taking the classes and all. The money is the real stress point on this, plus the prospect of maybe spending another semester/year in undergrad....Oh well, have to make a choice at some point.</p>

8

<p>CC as usual is giving you good advice. I'll just chime in:
--don't make the decision based on the girl-- at Oberlin,you can still e-mail and IM each other and remain friends, see each other during the summer, at Christmas,etc. At Oberlin, you might find other interesting girls as friends and/or lovers.</p>

<p>-- Oberlin is a great school-- if it's a good fit for you ( make sure about that by visiting) and you can swing it financially, it's worth it.</p>

<p>An extra semester or year may seem a big deal to you now, but in the long run, won't mean much. A college where you were truly happy and challenged will loom larger in your life as the years pass. Happy undergrad years are memories worth having in your store.</p>

9

<p>I agree that the extra semester is the smallest issue under discussion here.</p>

<p>I agree that your girlfriend should not figure in your decision.</p>

<p>I am wondering about the financial issue. I understand that ASU is extremely generous with National Merit Finalists. So, are you saying that you pay very little to go to ASU, while at Oberlin whatever you would have to pay would be a burden or not possible for your family? Or are you saying that your family has the money but you or they are reluctant to spend it when ASU is practically free?</p>

10

<p>my advice is certainly different than what others have said -- </p>

<p>I would advise you to stay at ASU. You have the money issue taken care of, you have excellent grades and you have a good shot at getting into medical school and being able to pay for it if you stay. If your long term goal is to graduate from med school, you are well on your way. why jeapordize that by changing schools?</p>

<p>Dump the girl -- the relationship is causing you heartache (and it won't be the first time it will happen). And cut off communication.</p>

<p>Life can be boring -- it is what you make of it. do something different at ASU -- join some new clubs, get a part-time job, take a class in something completely different, study abroad, take up a language. </p>

<p>You time at ASU may not be the perfect "college experience" that you were dreaming of, but I will bet that the majority of the kids in college now would also say that it is not what they imagined/wanted. for some, money issues interfered for others, they were mature enough, classes were too easy/hard, roommates were mean, dorms were noisy, they can't get the classes they want, classes are too big, etc.</p>

11

<p>I'm confused....just how competitive would this OP be for playing soccer when he hasn't really played competitively since his senior year in high school? I agree...ditch this girl...she should not be in the mix for any reason. Re: transfering...you have a great GPA, and ASU is a BIG school. Simply put look for other folks to chum around with. Stay the course with your great grades, and studies for the remainder of undergrad. Agreed Oberlin is a great school, but I'm really not sure your reasons for leaving ASU are very compelling.</p>

12

<p>I'd be curious to know how the advice givers are influenced by their own college experiences. pro-oberlin went to LAC?? pro- ASU-stay the course -went to large stateU??</p>

<p>I'm pro-Oberlin and went to LAC.</p>

13

<p>As a parent, my concern would be for your well being and the family's financial ability to meet your needs and desires. It is difficult for most families to give a soccer "scholarship" to the tune of $80K or more to their kids. If your family can comfortably do so, this may be something to pursue after you investigate other things about Oberlin, like the academics, the environment, etc that you will have when you are not playing soccer. I would think that there are venues where you can play soccer at ASU, club or intramural sports, where it would not be as expensive or as much of an upheaval. We have family members who have been and are still playing soccer on a club basis whereever they go. I would also think that you could find some other clubs and organizations on campus where you can get to know others on a smaller group basis and break down the big school effect. My son is at a state school with a lot of commuters, but he has found a core of kids that he likes, some of them commuters too, that have made the school a smaller place for him with big opportunities in terms of things to do. That you can finish many of your requirements early, leaves a lot of options for you in terms of looking for social, leadership, educatonal and work opportunities. I've known a number of kids who have gone to ASU and really enjoyed the experience there, even coming from small highschool environments. </p>

<p>As for your "friend" situation, it is unlikely you will take advice on that front if you are like most young people. It's best you take a step back from this situation. You are still interested in her; she has moved on. IF you want to be on equal footing, you need to have moved on too, not pretending to have. It is not a healthy situation for you and is probably preventing you from moving on. I don't know where this fits in your discomfort at ASU right now, but I am sure that it is contributing to your malaise.</p>

14

<p>Aren't there programs where you can study at Oberlin for a semester? Exchange programs between American schools?</p>

<p>Might be a good way to experience Oberlin and continue to get college credits.</p>

<p><a href="http://www.asusoccer.com/%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://www.asusoccer.com/&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

<p>You said you were adventurous in another thread. Why don't you study abroad for a year?</p>

15

<p>What's the obsession with Oberlin? If it's a small LAC you think you want
why limit your choices to Oberlin? You should sort of start the application process all over again - choosing safeties, reaches, matches etc. See how the money falls. Make a decision. </p>

<p>I mean, Oberlin is a great school - but there are lots of great schools out there. You don't have to make a choice simply between ASU and Oberlin!</p>

<p>The girl - yeah, she's jerking your chain big time. Move on. It's a hopeless relationship at this point and you're limiting your social alternatives because you are focused on her. Get free and be happy.</p>

<p>Good luck. Don't be afraid to make a change, but don't go to the poor house either.</p>

16

<p>I don't see that "going to the poor house" is the issue. It isn't clear to me whether the OP would be eligible for financial aid at Oberlin or not. All accepted transfer students at Oberlin are eligible for financial aid on the same terms as every other Oberlin student--i.e., Oberlin meets 100% of their demonstrated financial need. If his family earns enough that he's not eligible for financial aid--well, then, yes, Oberlin would be more expensive than staying at ASU, but he's not going to end up with massive debt.</p>

17

<p>You raise an interesting question that has troubled me for a long time.</p>

<p>Who penned the line first, James Taylor or George Harrison???</p>

<p>"There's something in the way she moves........ " </p>

<p>Did one copy the other? We know Mr Harrison was found guilty of subliminal plagiarism with "My Sweat Lord." (He's so fine). Did he do the same thing with JT?</p>

18

<p>dave: I know you are an Oberlin supporter on here - and I understand that completely, as I cheerlead often for another school. :) My point was simply that I think he will be best served, if he decides to make a move, to consider finances carefully and realistically and look at a bunch of options rather than focus too much on ONE school. OP has expressed concern about finances - and if he really does go to medical school, well, that brings in a whole other financial issue.</p>

<p>That's all.</p>

19

<p>Stay. It's only 2 more years. Look ahead to med school. You need stability now because you'll have to start working on those applications soon. You/parents/future spouse will be much happier if you have no debt going into med school. (Disclaimer: I stayed at "large state U" that I wasn't particularly happy at. That didn't hurt me. I also personally paid off H's undergrad debt before he went to med school. Ouch!)</p>

<p>Dump the girl. Spend time with someone who respects you.</p>

20

<p>I agree that you should stay at ASU if med school is your goal. Money is a factor, GPA is a factor...and right now you have those two things going for you. But I don't think you should "stick it out" and just go with the mentality that you have only a couple years left. I'm almost positive you can find a way to enjoy your time at ASU. Get away from this girl and get a "fresh start". Join a new club and meet some new people and find a circle of friends you can have fun with. It's such a big school that I think that if you try, you can finish out ASU with good grades and good memories.</p>