Help with CMC Athenaeum Essay

Colleges and Universities A-Z Claremont McKenna College
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<p>Hi everyone! I'm trying to make the Dec 1 deadline. Please look over my essay and any feedback would be appreciated. Happy Thanksgiving!</p>

<p>If you could invite anyone to speak at the Athenaeum, who would you choose and why? Please limit your response to no more than 300 words.</p>

<p>A business-major-turned-STEM-entrepreneur, Nanxi Liu, at age 23, has founded two companies: Nanoly Biosciences, a biotech company with national and international recognition, and Enplug Inc., a technology company that creates and manages electronic billboards. In less than a year, Enplug has secured over 10,000 venues and is now one of ten finalists in the PITCH SF 2013 Startup Competition. </p>

<p>Coming from a multicultural background, my parents raised me with the Chinese work ethic and also the Indonesian focus on being innovative and business-minded. At age ten I was managing my parents’ properties, answering phone calls as tenants giggled at the tiny girl drowning in a business suit two sizes too big. Naturally, in high school I pursued more than just AP classes; I joined organizations that taught me practical skills. </p>

<p>With this mindset, I hope to emulate entrepreneurial drive found in people like Nanxi Liu. Last summer, she was a judge at the state finals of the Distinguished Young Women program. As California’s new titleholder, I was fortunate enough to have a meal with the judges.</p>

<p>Nanxi always loved to learn random things. Though a business major, she studied programming and biotechnology religiously via the Internet. With her self-taught knowledge, she led Nanoly Biosciences as the only team member without a Ph.D in science, and now leads her Enplug team of four men as the CEO. </p>

<p>CMC’s emphasis on preparing students for professional leadership makes Nanxi the perfect speaker for the Athenaeum. She went beyond the basics of textbooks, and put in time outside of the classroom to study anything that made her wonder. As she said herself, “Give me an interesting idea and I will make it work.” With Nanxi’s pioneering spirit, CMC students will learn to channel their intellectual prowess into leadership ventures that will truly impact the world.</p>

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<p>I think this is really good; It introduces the person, you relate it back to yourself, and discuss her benefit to the CMC campus. I also like how you chose someone who’s unique (not simply George Washington or Martin Luther King Jr.).</p>

<p>The third paragraph that commences with “With this mindset…” somewhat disrupts the flow a little. This is merely a quibble in the holistic view of this essay, but why is it important that you had a meal with her? Was this inclusion to display how you know who she is or to further display her influence?</p>

<p>I like the ending. Good job and good luck!</p>

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<p>I think it is a good essay with a unique speaker and how you relate to her. Good luck.</p>

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<p>“Nanxi always loved to learn random things.” This is so vague it makes my eyes melt from my sockets. You should talk about drive and why that matters more. Perseverance > randomly picking up biotech in your free time. I think that’s the message that resonates with an audience (as well as admissions staffers) more than randomly switching career path. I agree with the point that studying on her own is impressive. Maybe “Nanxi’s value of education motivated her to pursue…” or something along those lines. Maybe im wrong. Maybe im in a bad mood cause I have 7 pages to write. Maybe…Maybe creative writing classes have turned me into a creative writing snob.</p>