<p>Son was doing just great during first semester Wake Forest, loved his school and the whole experience. He spent a good deal of time learning about the faternities on campus and getting to know the brothers during the first semester. He rushed a faternity at the beginning of second semester and put everything he had into the rush but didn't get a bid. The problem is now that most of his friends are pledges and he's basically cut out. Nobody's talking about why he didn't get a bid. This happened about two weeks ago and when we talk to him now we no longer hear the excitement he had for college, but we hear what is more and more sounding like depression. We suggested to him that his life was not over and he still will have friends and a social life, we also suggested that there were plenty of resources on campus to help him through this, but he doesn't seem to be open to any new ideas and is still focusing on his rejection. </p>
<p>I'm sure other parents on this forum have experienced this and am looking for advice. I know that as parents we need to let them learn how to deal with the emotional ups and downs that are part of college life, but my question is when do we intervene?</p>
<p>OOOOHHH Freshman Dad, my heart goes out to you. My son had something similar happen earlier this semester (not a frat, but another organization he was "trying out" for). It's really hard. My first reaction to his very sad phone call was to try to pour himself into his studies for a while, to take his mind off it. It was, really, his first big experience with losing something big.<br>
Another thing about frats- my son is in one (rushed last fall). Was your son only interested in this one frat? My son went to several houses, and kind of "knew" that some of them weren't his type. He went for the one that he felt comfortable at- comfortable because the guys were nice to him. There are so many types of frats- jocky ones, pretty boys, religious ones, good-ole-boys, partiers, etc.
If they didn't give him a bid, it's their loss and his blessing. He wouldn't have been happy there.</p>
<p>PS: My son has lately been getting into a nondenominational youth group organization at his campus. He says the kids are really nice, they get together once a week, have music, eat, etc. Just another venue for meeting nice kids and making more friends.</p>
<p>Hey. I haven't had to deal with this directly, but I have seen it happen to friends of my D's. Well, actually, her girlfriends, most of her guy friends are not in frats.</p>
<p>Try your best to find out what other groups there are on campus that fit your sons activity interests. For example, my D (and this is D1 at big state u, not D2 who goes to a smaller state-affiliated u) says that on her campus there is a music frat where any guy who is music major or likes to sing can join, and they do shows and hang out. My D's sorority hires them from time to time to add a performance to one of the sorority's events (like a fundraiser breakfast for example).</p>
<p>Another friend's son who goes to the same u decided not to rush the traditional frats as he saw them as basically drinking clubs. This boy is in the university marching band and it is like a social club of its own; he considers the band to be his frat. D's ex-boyfriend had similar commaraderie with the guys in his forestry dept major. I know a girl whose best buds are the other kids on the campus newspaper.</p>
<p>Look at the school website, think a little and try to steer your son into a time consuming activity he likes with other similar to him kids, and after a while he will have buddies to hang with. When God closes a door, He opens a window.</p>
<p>Freshmandad, I know this is hard for him. Wake's campus does revolve around Greek life. My son did not rush as a freshman due to some medical issues--after seeing how some of the guys on his hall were treated by the frats during rush/pledge--he decided not to do it as a sophomore either. You can try pointing out to him that he will develop as an individual instead of one of a herd--but I'm guessing the rejection and hurt is too new now. He can always rush next year and from some of the guys I know at Wake, they wish they had waited and found out more about the the makeup of the various frats. They felt they might have been happier in different ones than the one they jumped at as a freshman.</p>
<p>My heart goes out to your son, and especially to you. We went through this exact same thing last year and it was a very difficult time. My S was able to get away from campus during initiation weekend (went to visit his brother at college) and thaat helped a bit. He also joined the rugby team and that became his "group". If your S can find a club, group, team or anything like that it will help a lot. I know the process stinks..they go through the rush process and its like a process of elimination for the rushees too since at the end they have to choose which rush events to go to so it seems like they put most of their eggs in one basket. And then it can just take 1 or 2 negative votes to topple the whole thing. I don't think my S knows why either, but he managed to get through it by staying busy and at least in the short term hanging out with friends who did not pledge. In some ways he found himself available to do things that they couldn't becasue of pledge obligations. But oh it hurts to hear the disappointment in their voices. It was all I could do not to get on the next plane....but I didn't. Just let him talk it out. There's not much else you can do. Fast forward to this year and he started to rush again and decided not to....took himself out of the process. He just decided that he had his group and he could socialize at the frats with his friends who are members and it just wasn't for him. Good luck to you both, and I am sincerely sorry you had to go through this. It stinks.</p>
<p>Sorry about your son F'dad. I can only imagine how he feels. Our son pledged a fraternity freshman year but decided to drop out about 2/3rd of the way through for a variety of reasons.</p>
<p>However he has remained friends with most of his fellow pledges. Hopefully your son will find the same thing. And of course this will give him the opportunity to participate in other college groups and expand his circle of friends.</p>
<p>My friend's son Mark is a sophomore at Clemson. He joined a frat this past fall, and they had another rush in January. During that process, Mark spoke up for a friend he really wanted in the frat. There were lots of candidates and it was close, but his friend did not get a bid. My friend told me that Mark sat down and wept about this, he felt so bad. Apparently the kid did make a brief appearance at that frat's first event just to close the loop with the kids there that had supported him. Rick commented how impressed he was with the character that showed. </p>
<p>I agree with doubleplay that there might not have been a good fit. Or there might have just been too many guys wanting to pledge. This is a hard thing to go through (and unnecessary, IMHO; it's because of this and this alone that I think fraternities and sororites should be consigned to the past). Encourage him to keep his chin up, to look for other clubs and even to look for a better fraternity fit next time if that's what he still wants. Going through this will strengthen him for inevitable difficulties that will occur later in his life (but my heart goes out to him and you).</p>
<p>freshman Dad..your son's feelings do need addressing and rejection even in such an artificial setting does hurt. Social groups shift a great deal in a year but you should compliment your son on at least getting out there and meeting and greeting. I would even suggest a couple hours with a counselor on staff would be something to consider, but more than that, I would encourage him to join at least one group pronto in an interest of his that has social aspects to it. Freshman group socializing is a normal rite of passage until the kids become more clear about their individuality and setting.</p>
<p>we have a close friend whose son rushed at Wake with his hometown friend and the hometown friend was accepted and he was not. Mind you our son's friend is a fantastic human being..bright, kind, active physically, musical, sporty blah blah etc. He joined the Biking Club after this frat rejection experiecne at Wake and promptly spent a lot of downtime on the nice byroads of the region with new friends and feels like he "escaped" a social outlet that was really not for him after all. By the way, he will likely be in med school next year, has tons of friends, travels to visit his Wake buddies often etc.</p>
<p>I'm so sorry. I don't have any useful advice but the scenario is part of why I detest the whole Greek apparatus. <cue for="" 1,500="" greek="" defenders="" to="" come="" pouring="" in=""></cue></p>
<p>FresmanDad {{{hugs}}} for your son and you. That has to really sting, and I really believe that a lot of these setbacks are much harder on the parent than the kid. I really love the advice you've gotten here about helping your son look for other social activities to get involved with. Also, he's going to have a much better insight into the fraternities after his friends become members. He can plan to pledge next fall with eyes wide open, and by the time, he may be completely over the fraternity thing anyway.</p>
<p>Why not do a little research on hazing and send your young man an article or two on the torture and humiliation he won't have to endure during pledge period.</p>
<p>You might feel a little better by considering that his rate of likely binge drinking just fell dramatically.</p>
<p>I know there must be some good fraternities and sororities out there, but I'm glad none of the schools my son is applying to has them. Life is hard enough as an adolescent in a new setting surrounded by strangers without this exclusionary stuff.</p>
<p>I agree with the idea of other activities to build a friendship network. And, of course, counseling if his mood doesn't pick up soon. This is just so hard.</p>
<p>I think the most hurtful part is that not all frats are not rejecting 40%, buy there might be 10 people rushing and only 2 are rejected. Now that is painful if you are one of the only 2 not getting a bid. I would think that if 50 guys rush, and they invite 25 to join, then it is not nearly as painful b/c you were one out of 25 rejected.</p>
<p>It's not the end of the world. I go to Wake and I'm a GDI, and it's ok. I didn't do sorority rush because it just seemed foolish to me, and most of the frats seem like glorified drinking clubs. Honestly, if you end up losing any friends for not being Greek, they weren't worth having in the first place. And all the parties are open to Greeks and non-Greeks alike, so you can still go to all the parties.</p>
<p>He can always rush again in the fall - I know several people who did that and had success the second time around. Plus, fall rush is a lot more laid back than spring rush, because it's pretty much just sophomores (and maybe a few juniors).</p>
<p>Sometimes, even when you get in the fraternity you want it doesn’t work out as planned. My freshman son was extremely bored in the dorm, so he was rushed and eventually pledged the fraternity he liked the best. Sometime late in the first semester a few things happened and many boys moved out, so when he moved in there were only about 15 guys left in a 40 person house. He has a single room, which is something he did not want as he was really hoping to find a way to meet lots of new people. The house may close after this year, so it may very well be an apartment for next year. All in all he is doing OK, but this certainly didn’t work out as planned.</p>
<p>S#1 is not into the frat scene though his best buddy/roommate went through it last semester. Unfortunately the process has not been kind to his roomie's academic life, and I think both these kids take that pretty seriously (and there is good reason behind that nickname "Work"). </p>
<p>As parents we'd like to shelter our kids from all the hurts and rejections, but real life is full of this stuff. I struggled mightily with this recently as I watched my oldest deal with a VERY painful relationship break-up, but nothing I could do but offer support, a pat on the back and a lot of "there, there, baby". Sigh. This too shall pass and he will find something else to fill the void. My kiddo LOVES his club sport, the on campus and gym activities and has a great and varied group of friends from all over the country (this is his second year). </p>
<p>If your son has his heart set on a frat, is there anything stopping him from trying again next year? He'll be so much more aware of the ins and outs of everything. Meanwhile, encourage him to get involved in other ways that he truly enjoys. He may find the frat scene isn't as important come next year, or new interests may guide him right back into one.</p>
<p>Does he have other friends at Wake who didn't get selected or just didn't rush to start with? If he feels weird about randomly joining a club /group by himself, maybe he could get a friend to come along with him. Does he get along well with his roommate? Is roommate greek?<br>
My S attends big state u where greek life does not rule the social scene. His "group" is the guys he has met through ROTC and he also maintained relationships with friends from high sch. who also attend his sch. plus just other guys/girls he met in the dorm.<br>
Hopefully once the hurt no longer feels razor edge sharp, your S will see there are lots of other things he can get into and will realize that everybody is not involved in greek life. I know the rejection hurts but he'll gain from it eventually.</p>
<p>My S attends Wake and did get into a frat...I am scared to death! I don't even tell many folks because I could have never joined a sorority while in college...couldn't take the "group think" aspect of it. I didn't think that he would be interested but we are letting him find his own way. On the night when bids were given I was so worried and upset for the kids who didn't get a bid...and my S felt bad too. Some of his good friends didn't get in. He still talks about those guys and definitely isn't feeling that the frat is exclusive. I know that he wants to have a variety of friends. My S had many disappointments in his life with sports, girls, etc. He was not the kid who always had it easy. If he didn't get in it wouldn't have been his first rejection. I do believe that, ultimately, we learn a lot from the disappointments in our lives. Your S may be the lucky one....as far as I am concerned the jury is still out on this frat thing.</p>