<p>Someone help free me from guilt I'm feeling. Since finding out our EFC was alot more than expected, hubby and I are starting to "lightly pressure" D into filling out scholarship apps. to a couple of the schools she's been admitted to. So far she's in at 4 of 8 schools she's applied to. The remaining 4 she applied RD so we won't know decision until March/April (1st choice in that pool). </p>
<p>I know nothing is guaranteed, but I think she has a good shot at winning partial or full scholarship to a couple of these schools. Problem is, she isn't interested in these schools anymore. We may possibly be looking at paying over 35K out of pocket, if not more for her top choices. She's already been admitted to her 2nd choice school. Tonight, she received a call from another college that admitted her and they encouraged her to apply for one of their scholarships. D didn't seem interested so I sort of gave her the "guilt" trip about how expensive her top choices are and how we may not be able to send her there. She blew up and stated that she knows we're not going to send her to her top choice schools and that she is taking the scholarship apps. seriously. Well, I didn't say another word but I felt guilty as hell. Anyone been in a similar situation? We can send her to her top choice schools but we'll probably be looking at alot of loans. Something we want to avoid for her and us. Any input would be helpful. Thanks.</p>
<p>I don't think that you should feel guilty. She's the one who should be feeling guilty at apparently thinking it's OK for you to spend your hard earned money when for a small amount of work, your D could reduce your finacnial load.</p>
<p>I think that you should have a calm talk and let her know exactly how much you're willing to pay out of pocket each year for her college. Put this in writing, too. Let her know that if her college costs more than that, she'll need to make up the difference through loans, working, merit aid or she can choose to go to a cheaper college.</p>
<p>After you do this, don't bother to nag any more. If it ends up that she doesn't fill out scholarships and then lacks the $ to go to her dream school, don't accept the blame for her lack of action, and don't go back on your word to fill the financial gap.. In my opinion if she were truly motivated to go to her dream schools, she'd be eagerly fillng out those applications.</p>
<p>You do not need to mortgage your future. Be clear with your daughter what you can do and stick to it. It will be better for all of you in the long term. It sounds like she's a great student, but my input would be to hold your ground. It really isn't better to run yourselves into terrible debt. Doesn't need to be a guilt trip; this is a reality trip.</p>
<p>Our EFC is higher than we thought too. We told d, however, that we would pay whatever we had to, but that might change if, by her own inaction, she left money on the table. If she doesn't get the scholarships, that's OK, but if she won't even put in the time to apply for them, why should we spend our money? We can't care more than she does.</p>
<p>Tough situation.
If this is something you just figured out, I can see why she would be upset.
If she has siblings you need to consider or retirement approaching, you might talk about that with her.
If you don't have those considerations or others, then you might need to consider biting the bullet. Of course she should follow through with applying for every and any scholarships. But your EFC seems to indicate your income might be in the area of $130,000. Pain is relative.</p>
<p>There's another possibility. Your D may feel overwhelmed and stressed right now, but since most teenagers handle stress by holding it in (kind of the "deer-in-headlights" approach), she appears to be uncaring.</p>
<p>I would suggest letting her know - in a non-pressuring way - that the three of you are going to sit down a certain night and go over scholarship possibilities, acceptances, etc. to put together a plan. She may want/need help, but is too overwhelmed to ask for it. If you all sit down with financial information and scholarship apps and discuss them in a constructive way, it may break down that barrier.</p>
<p>I would also approach the issue of her top choice schools differently. Instead of doing the "guilt trip" (never, ever do that - it is far more destructive than you can imagine and breeds intransigence like you wouldn't believe), talk about her top choices as possibilities. Tell her, "OK, to go to these schools we need to raise X amount. Your father and I are willing to put in Y amount, so you need to come up with Z amount in scholarships. How can we do that?" Then be serious about trying to find an avenue. If it's impossible, your D will see it, and I would bet will come to a choice everyone can be happy with. But the proactive approach is far more motivating than guilt trips.</p>
<p>Don't feel guilty. She needs to know that she has to fill out the scholarship forms. It shouldn't be optional. It's a little time but can have a huge payoff. There is almost no better use of her time. She may have only gotten angry because she was feeling stressed out at the time, but you should make it clear to her that she needs to fill out the forms. If she simply neglects to fill them out because she doesn't feel like it (or whatever), then she doesn't deserve those schools. I'm a student, by the way.</p>
<p>I really like the approach of DespSeekPhD. When I have trouble getting cooperation (from anyone, including my kids) I try to change the dynamics as follows: instead of being "me versus you" as the problem, as if pulling on a rope in a tug of war, I visualize putting the rope down and reaching out to pull the other person onto my side of the rope, with the problem on the other side. Then I begin to talk about how WE might look at and address the problem. When the other person stops feeling attacked that they are my problem, I get true relaxation and often best ideas from the other person on my "team." DeepSeekPhD does just that. It is not easy. Everyone's upset and stress is also a problem, in addition to the actual finances, so perhaps there are two discussions to be had.</p>
<p>I understand that you would feel guilty but you are not telling your daughter she may not go to college; just that she may not be able to go to the very expensive ones. Without going into huge debt and drastically affecting your lifestyle, she would still be receiving a good education from cheaper colleges so you are not destroying her life. It would perhaps have been better understood had she been aware of this before applying to the more expensive ones but what's done is done...she will have to get over it. You are still the parent here.</p>
<p>For my D I did a spread sheet of colleges, showing costs and how we could pay for them including what we can afford annually, what we already know she has in the way of tuition waivers, and other possibilities of paying the rest - work study, potential scholarships, loans etc. Then I sat with her and showed her. She has a more realistic idea now and knows she may have to come up with some money towards her education. Her best case scenario she will have work study for personal expenses and the rest is covered. If none of the scholarships pan out she may have some loans plus her summer job may have to pay the extra for the suite she wants instead of traditional dorms. I do not think it is unreasonable to expect a good effort to try for scholarships to help pay for her own education. Nothing whatever to feel guilty about.</p>
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D didn't seem interested so I sort of gave her the "guilt" trip about how expensive her top choices are and how we may not be able to send her there. She blew up and stated that she knows we're not going to send her to her top choice schools and that she is taking the scholarship apps. seriously.
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<p>You don't need to feel guilty! Its' your money, and your EFC came well over what you hoped for. But she is taking the scholarships apps seriously. So...
have another talk, let her know that you are rooting for her to get into her top choice school, but in the meantime, you very much appreciate that she is taking the scholarships apps seriously as nothing is guaranteed. </p>
<p>Are any of the apps for scholarships she might use at her top choice school? That would be an extra incentive for her to do well on those. It's a tough time for both of you. Good luck to you both.</p>
<p>No, the scholarship apps. are from her "safety" schools.
I'd like to thank all of you for your advice. I've gotten some helpful stuff here. It's my fault, and hubby's too, for telling her that we "would make it work" but now reality is setting in. Lots to discuss. Thanks again everyone.</p>
<p>Why in the world would you feel guilty? "Dear, we can afford $X per year. You have the opportunity for $Y per year in scholarships. Isn't it worth a few hours to fill out the forms? And, by the way, even if you don't fill in the scholarship applications, we can still only afford $X per year." </p>
<p>Telling your kids the truth, and providing them with education on the real world at the same time seems like a blessing you are giving your daughter, not something to feel guilty about. I can tell you that when we had this conversation with our son, it opened his eyes in a dramatic way.</p>
<p>I think I understand the OP. She is saying the scholarships are merit awards at her safety schools and there are no such scholarships available at her top choice schools (which are probably need only). She is further saying that at app time when the issue of where to apply came up she and hubby goofed and said "We'll make it work at the top schools if you get in". D then applied . Parents have now a clearer idea what their efc will be and it's WWAAAYYY over what they thought. </p>
<p>They attempted to stress the importance of that financial reality to D in telling her the importance of the merit schols at her less than first choice schools (or they will be difficult to pay for also) . D now feels the rug is being pulled out from under her and that she should have never applied to her dream , no scholarship schools since it's highly unlikely she can attend. </p>
<p>That about it? </p>
<p>Hey. You screwed up. Admit it and go on. You can only do what you can do. You can't print the money. Time to tell her that mom and dad aren't invincible or omniscient. That you make mistakes and you're sorry this one hurt her. </p>
<p>Then follow the good advice and enlist her in the family efforts to get the best education y'all can afford. Kids can deal with this. Trust me. I'd know.</p>
<p>My kid turned down Yale and Amherst and what we felt was undoable FA for a full ride to Rhodes . I was willing to commit financial suicide (not a long jump LOL) to get her there but D could see it wasn't the right choice. She's thriving and happy as a clam.</p>
<p>"But your EFC seems to indicate your income might be in the area of $130,000. Pain is relative."</p>
<p>Are you a kid, danas? It is pretty presumptious of you to assume that you know what any family's financial situation is based purely on the EFC. I don't know anything about the poster, but for the sake of educating you and many other cc posters who assume that anyone with a decent income is wallowing in extra money, here is a true-life anecdote: My H and I pay at least 2K a month supporting our mothers, and we put a nephew through college because his parents forgot to save money. None of those expenses are subtracted from our income on the FAFSA or Profile forms, so our expendable income (i.e., $$ available for college) looks a lot higher than it really is. (Unless we let the moms live on the street, or in our basement... Now that I reread your post, it is coincidental that you put "pain" and "relative" in the same sentence.)</p>
<p>OP, I know exactly what you are going through. We had to have a little talk with S to get him to understand that filling out the merit award applications to the schools that were not #1 was not optional. We might still cough up the full cost to #1 if it comes down to it, but not if he can't be bothered to look like he cares about considering all the options. Fortunately, his #1 choice, to which he was admitted EA, also has a few merit awards. (And yes, curmudgeon, I know the odds are very low. But I can hope, right?)</p>
<p>Midmo, I think it is highly commendable that you are helping out your relatives that way.... but putting a nephew who is not your legal dependent through college is a choice you made. It hardly makes sense that a college should give you financial aid for your own kid based on your gratuitous choice to give the money to someone else -- so the reality is that those dollars ARE available for your son, you just chose to give them to your nephew instead. Obviously that is a more commendable choice than spending the money on a luxury car -- but the bottom line is that is money you had but chose to give away. </p>
<p>As to the support of your parents -- that is the sort of thing that college financial aid officers might take into consideration under "professional judgment" - so that is the sort of expense that could be mentioned as a special circumstance when applying for financial aid. </p>
<p>Mominchicago wrote in the opening post that "We can send her to her top choice schools but we'll probably be looking at a lot of loans." In other words, the problem is that the family CAN pay but it will be tough, so they'd like the daughter to consider other options. So I don't think Danas was being "presumptious". Obviously, the EFC is high, but their does not seem to be any sort of extenuating circumstance beyond the one that we all share, which is that supporting our kids through college is very expensive. </p>
<p>Families that make $130K have a tough time, but families that make half as much have it tougher, no matter how you look at it.</p>
<p>Mominchicago.... I think that your problem may be that you are giving your daughter mixed messages. She has already been accepted to her 2nd choice college, and you wrote "We can send her to her top choice schools but we'll probably be looking at alot of loans. Something we want to avoid for her and us."</p>
<p>Now you want her to apply to scholarships at colleges that are lower on her list. That makes no sense whatsoever UNLESS it is financially necessary -- and it seems that you have not really given her a straight answer about whether you can or cannot pay for the preferred college that has already accepted her. </p>
<p>If the answer is no, you can't....then you should say so. </p>
<p>If the answer is yes, you can if there is no cheaper alternative, but you expect her to go to the least expensive college -- then you are asking her to work against her own interest by essentially creating a bidding war against herself. </p>
<p>You need to be honest with yourself and honest with your daughter about your finances. If you will allow her to make the choice of college in the end and will pay for her top choice... then there really is no need for her to apply for money at the colleges she isn't going to choose. If you feel that you need her to do her best to get merit offers from all the colleges, and that in the end you will decide where she can go based on the available options.... well, you need to be very clear about that. I did that at the outset with my daughter -- I told her that she HAD to apply to our in-state university, that I would pay whatever it cost for her to attend any in-state u., and that any private college was "we'll see", depending on how much financial aid we received. So she knew the bottom line in the beginning. Her top choice actually was NYU, but she knew as soon as she saw the financial aid package that the cost was too high and she wouldn't be able to attend. There was disappointment but no anger and no guilt. </p>
<p>So really, at this point -- honesty is important, and maybe that has got to start with a conversation where you tell your daughter how much you are able to pay. And I think you should be really straight with her about whether or not you can or will pay for her 2nd choice college as things now stand.</p>
<p>I think that the D needs to fill the apps for the second and third choice schools which, apparently, she is doing. When April 1 rolls around, she and her parents can have another talk about the implications of their paying $35k more than they expected and how much of a difference there is in the #1 and #2 (or other ) schools. Things may look a bit different then to both parents and D--as they must have done for Cur and his D.</p>