HELP with my personal statement =D

College Essays
1

<p>HEY! so I need some help editing the 2nd part of the UC personal statement. I wrote about 650words for the 1st one so there is 350 left for the second one. I'm not sure if I'm effectively answering the question. Of course, ANY and ALL help will be greatly appreciate. Thank you!</p>

<p>Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?</p>

<p>Debate is an underground world that is locked away to the light hearted and feeble minded. In a society where false dichotomies don’t exist, debaters clash thoughts and ideas to express their persona. My experience first started by joining the “debate team.” This soon turned from an extracurricular activity to a way of life. People have a hard time understanding debaters. We are stubborn, argumentative and charming. In this culture, nothing is ever taken at face value. Everything is debatable. Always. The first thing you learn in debate is there will always be an opposing view point. You will never read your first affirmative case, then have the negative side agree to your inherent harms and the plan you wish to use for solvency. There would be no debate! This is very much similar to our daily lives. People are so used to being spoon fed everything that they never bother to check what they’re eating. Passive people believe everything the media says and don’t bother to stop and check the facts. People need to be more politically engaged and demanding as constituents. Politicians are corrupt and do as they please because no one pays attention. People just like to sit at home and whine. The reason why debate probably looks better on a college transcript than any other activity is that it aims to teach you skills that have undisputable value in the modern society.</p>

2

<p>bumppp wow does it suck that bad>?</p>

3

<p>Please do not post essays up like this! <a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/college-essays/255610-posting-essays-other-sensitive-information.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/college-essays/255610-posting-essays-other-sensitive-information.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>Anyway, the essay is well-written for UC schools - they tend to not prefer flowery pieces so good job. But your last sentence is a little weird. Don’t say things like “looks good on a college transcript”. Remove that bit and just start the sentence by saying “Debate teaches you skills…”</p>

4

<p>thank you for all your help ill remove the post =D</p>

5

<p>IMO, your essay makes you sound argumentative in a bad way. I liked the beginning of it, but towards the end I think you presented a pretty negative view of society with the whole “People just like to sit at home and whine.” While in your view or even in reality that may be true, it sounds very accusing. Focus on yourself, not criticizing others. You can put a positive spin on it by talking about how you don’t want to sit at home and passively absorb information. I definitely agree that you should just cut out the last sentence - it comes off as way too forward and argumentative. </p>

<p>Good luck! It was very well-written.</p>

6

<p>Hello sir, I like how you focus on the debate team as a personal accomplishment/experience, based off on what you have, I assume that you are a person who loves to argue, and is willing to challenge opposing views because you are stubborn.
In retrospect, I do not know you, but I got a glimpse impression of who and what you are.
You sir are stubborn.</p>

7

<p>

</p>

<p>The adcoms will be the judge of how impressive your ECs are; you don’t get to tell them that yours are inherently superior.</p>

8

<p>I think it’s pretty terrible. You make numerous exaggerated claims that only serve to make you look arrogant. Words like “inherent” and “solvency” are misused and detract from the essay. Sweeping negative generalizations about society/politicians sound even more elitist and do not contribute to your statement’s purpose. Don’t tell the college that debate looks better than other activities. “undisputable” is not a word, try “indisputable”. Watch your pronoun use; You hastily are changing from “we” to “you” to “our” to “people”.</p>

<p>Also, false dichotomies certainly exist; as you will recall from your debate experience, fallacies are common, and pointing them out is critical. </p>

<p>FYI, saying the value of these skills is “indisputable” is tragically ironic, given you said anything is debatable.</p>

<p>I’m being extremely critical, but remember the volume of essays admissions officers read. They will be this critical.</p>