<p>IMO, your essay makes you sound argumentative in a bad way. I liked the beginning of it, but towards the end I think you presented a pretty negative view of society with the whole “People just like to sit at home and whine.” While in your view or even in reality that may be true, it sounds very accusing. Focus on yourself, not criticizing others. You can put a positive spin on it by talking about how you don’t want to sit at home and passively absorb information. I definitely agree that you should just cut out the last sentence - it comes off as way too forward and argumentative. </p>
<p>Good luck! It was very well-written.</p>