Help with Personal Statement...Please?

<p>Dear Parents,
I am currently at NASA SHARP and we are required to create a portfolio while we are here. I am sure that this will be very helpful when I apply to colleges next year (I am a rising Junior) and would like to do a good job on it. One of our tasks is to write a personal statement. I am not sure if I wrote mine correctly or if it should be more biographical, focused on one event, a story, etc. I would really appreciate if you guys could give me some feedback on my personal statement and maybe some tips to improve it? Thanks!</p>

<p>Determination</p>

<p>So. A little about me. I am the middle child in a wonderful family of five with a younger brother and an older sister. We live in ????(I edited out the name of my hometown to post here) which is a small suburb about 15 miles northwest of ????. </p>

<p>When I was born I had frequent ear infections that resulted in me becoming partially deaf. I could not hear and everyday was a struggle to communicate. Luckily, my mom enrolled me in a special early childhood school where I learned sign language and had intensive occupational therapy. I would go to preschool in the morning and then the early childhood center in the afternoon. Now, looking back almost 16 years, it is there that I believe my strong work ethic was first instilled in me. I learned that if I wanted to accomplish something, I was going to have to work hard for it and be determined. </p>

<p>I believe that my early childhood experiences also helped me in school. I’m one of those weird kids who has always loved school. School is fun for me not only because I get to see all of my friends, but also because I really love learning. I’ve always been strong in math and science, but not as much in English. I feel that what really helped me do well in elementary school was my mother. She used to home-school my sister and me during the summer, which helped a ton when I would go back to school in September. </p>

<p>But life wasn’t all about academics for me. I have always been an athletic kid who enjoyed playing sports. I played soccer for seven years, and have been doing taekwondo for the last ten years. I really enjoy taekwondo and devote a lot of time to train for the sport-aspect of it. I usually train around 10-15 hours each week to work on my conditioning, speed, strength, and technique. Oftentimes it is hard to stop what I am doing and go train, but I know that all the training and sacrifices I make will eventually pay off. At tournaments I take pride in the fact that I know I trained as hard as I could for this opportunity and am well-prepared for it. Taekwondo has taken me all over the country and I travel about once a month to tournaments. My favorite place I have visited for competition was New York and I also really enjoyed New Orleans. My proudest achievement in taekwondo was when I was invited to train at the Olympic Training Center for a couple weeks. I really enjoyed the atmosphere at the Olympic Training Center because everybody was serious about his or her sport and I felt a great sense of pride knowing that we were all representing the United States.</p>

<p>In conclusion, I believe that my struggles to communicate early on in my childhood have helped to shape my character. Although many may see this as an obstacle I believe it was an obstacle with a hidden gift. By overcoming this “obstacle”, I was able to learn very early on that determination is necessary if you want to be successful in life.</p>

<p>I think your essay is a little too unfocused and factual. It’s like I’m a kid who lives somewhere with a wonderful family, I’m partially deaf which makes me determined, I like school, because I’m determined I like Taekwondo, in conclusion, I’m very determined. Personally I would stay with being partially deaf and expand on it some more. Staying with one story line would really strengthen your point. The school you’re applying to will know that you’re good at taekwondo from your application. Also you said “really enjoyed” way too much, some varied vocabulary would be nice.</p>

<p>Also there are some sentences at really detract from the essay.
“My favorite place I have visited for competition was New York and I also really enjoyed New Orleans.”: Not relevant to the essay.
“I’ve always been strong in math and science, but not as much in English.”: Out of place in 3rd paragraph, plus the college will know this from your application.
“We live in ????(I edited out the name of my hometown to post here) which is a small suburb about 15 miles northwest of ????.”: Who cares where you live?</p>

<p>Your essay on the whole could be less academic. Maybe begin it with a personal story or an interesting event to get the reader interested. “In conclusion” is also boring and unnecessary. </p>

<p>If you fixed those things you could have a really great personal statement.</p>

<p>I agree that the essay should be more focused. It should also go deeper into your thoughts -- be more reflective. I personally would like to read more about the challenges of being a deaf child in a hearing environment. Some questions you might consider addressing: Do you use hearing aids? How do you best like to communicate? Do you feel you are bilingual? What are the differences between Deaf culture and hearing culture? Do you see using your abilities to bridge the gaps between hearing and Deaf as being a possible career path? What is a typical day like at school for you? I realize that you are more than just Deaf, but it is an interesting world and the essay provides a chance for you inform others about it and how you transition between it and the hearing world.</p>

<p>The information abut Taekwondo and the Olympic Training Center will likely show up elsewhere on your college applications, so you don't need to point it out twice.</p>

<p>The feedback you get from your NASA SHARP instructor will also be helpful. Good luck!</p>