I am in a single room off of a suite with two other double rooms. We have a common area and bathroom. There are four other girls and each girl in the doubles known each other before. The four have become close over the few weeks and I’m kind of the outsider of the suite since I don’t talk to them very much. I’m not too mad about not talking to them much since I have a lot of other friends on campus and on my floor that I talk to.
The other night three out of the four were away for the weekend so I had a few people hang out in the common area. I cleaned up mostly but i had a few water bottles left out and a sweatshirt and moved the chairs around a bit. When they returned the next day they called me out for leaving “their” common room a mess and how they worked so hard for making their common room look nice and how shouldn’t leave my things all over the common area.
I get that I should clean up after myself and everything yet the way that the issue was addressed my suite mates made me feel like I’m not welcome to be in the dorm and that I cannot have my things out in the common area. My suite mates leave a lot of items out in the bathroom and common area without issue and I don’t know why I can’t. Also, I’m paying for the furniture so I should be able to move it and use it around when ever I please.
I want to confront them but I feel like it will be one against four. How do I talk to my suite mates about issues such as this without feeling overpowered?
It’s called “politics”. The first thing you have to do is stop feeling like the odd (girl) out. That makes it more likely you will be isolated. There are five of you and you need to talk to some of the others to see if you can’t find some who are in tune with your interests.
On this particular issue, just let them know you understand the standard for cleaning up is 100% and it applies to everything.
Owning the furniture doesn’t give you the right to arrange it any way you want. You are going to have to work up a consensus on that, too.
I agree that you need to calmly discuss the expectation and standards as a group. Maybe preface it by saying it probably would have been s good idea to do it when you all moved in, but since you haven’t yet, it is something you should do. I wouldn’t bring the incident that happened up, but see if the group can agree on ground rules for the common area. Not sure if you have agreed on any chores or guest policies, but those are often also points of friction.
I have to disagree with the notion that you can’t move the furniture around even though you are paying for it. If they want to move it back they can go ahead, what’s the big deal? I also don’t understand why they object to stuff left in the common area if they do it too.
Stop thinking of yourself as an outsider - all suite mates should be able to feel at home in the common area. I’d just tell them it’s time to agree on the clean up rules going forward. You can object to specific rules even if they vote in lockstep.
Definitely agree with changing the way you talk to yourself about your place there, so you can develop the mindset of changing the way you feel when you approach discussions of life in the suite/common area.
This sounds exactly like the situation I was in when I attended college. I found I had to get used to lots of other girls (I am an only girl) and the way they live: hair in the drain, long sessions with the hair dryer at 7 in the morning, and inside jokes to which I was not privy. They knew each other and had bonded before I got there. Still, we made it work (well, most of us anyway).
Ground rules are definitely the way to go, and in the non-confrontational, nuanced way that intparent suggested. As for the furniture ownership, remind them that you’ve placed it in the common area so you can all enjoy it.