Help with UC Personal Statements!

<p>So i have gotten mixed reviews with my essays and I'm wondering if someone can help me. Tell me what you think and any changes you would make. Thank you =)</p>

<p>Prompt 1: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.</p>

<p>The world I come from has helped shape my dreams and aspirations of pursuing an education and career in business. My life has revolved around one central aspect: family. My family consists of: my father, mother, two older sisters, and older brother, making me the youngest. Since I was a child, my family has always told me that I was meant for something more. They repeatedly told me that mediocrity would never get me anywhere. They made me remove the words “average” and “ordinary” from my vocabulary under this notion that I was so much more. Thanks to their wonderful encouragement, I have always strived to be the absolute best in all that I do.
My father has dedicated his entire life to me and my siblings in order for us to have the best life possible. As long as I can remember, he has worked strenuous hours at a job he cannot stand in order for me to have opportunities that others do not. He has supported my every endeavor, regardless of whether or not I fail. I am grateful for this because his sacrifices have given me the mindset to try new things, even if there is a chance that I might be unsuccessful. Much like my father, my mother’s support has aided me profoundly. My mother has always stressed how important education is, and I have taken it to heart. Both of my parents support has led me to believe that I can accomplish anything if I put my mind to it.
Like my parents, my siblings have guided me while growing up. My sister has been like a second mom. She cares for me when I am sick and assists me whenever I need someone to help with projects or drive me somewhere. I find myself wanting to please her, and with this thought in my mind I do my hardest to be successful. My brother has been with me through all of my hardships growing up, and has taught me almost everything I know, from throwing a knuckle ball to tying my shoes. His constant help and advice fills my mind every day which allows to me to make smart decisions. My other sister and I are very close, without her I would not be the person I am today in many ways. For one, she has inspired me to be great. Her accomplishments motivate me to be better, not only in school but as a person as well.
My dreams and aspirations begin with me attending a prestigious university and earning a degree in business. By excelling at an esteemed university I hope to make an everlasting mark on the business world. When people talk about prestigious businessmen, the name “Matthew Rodriguez” will be included with those of Donald Trump or Bill Gates. And with my family’s guidance, I know I can achieve my dreams and much more. For they have made me the man I am today.</p>

<p>Prompt 2: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?</p>

<p>I stepped onto the tennis court nervously, with a cheap twenty dollar racket in my hand and a pair of old, worn-down tennis shoes. I had played tennis before during P.E., but I never would have imagined that I would end up winning Rookie of The Year at the end of the season. I would not be considered a normal tennis player for a couple of reasons: First off, I had never actually played tennis competitively, and secondly, standing at 6 feet and 260 pounds, I really did not have the tennis frame. I was more of an offensive lineman than a tennis player. But these little setbacks did not stop me and I tried my hardest and ended up succeeding.
I knew no one on the team except for my friends trying out with me. And everyone thought I was a joke at first, this big guy playing tennis? But I surprised them all. I progressed quicker than the others trying out and I grasped the game easily. Soon enough I found myself with a Federer-like forehand making a name for myself at practice. I swept through the tryouts winning all of my matches and I made it to varsity. But I had to win the number nine spot from a returning player to have a starting position. I beat that returning player three different times and my coach started me at our first match.
My doubles partner and I struggled at first, only winning a couple of games, but I was gaining valuable experience. After a few matches the coach promoted me to the sixth seed, which meant I would get a new partner. He was a veteran, having played all four years and I was a rookie so of course I was pretty nervous to be paired up with him. But he and I clicked immediately winning almost all of our matches gaining us a spot in CIF. We were unstoppable, and I was keeping up with him gaining praise from my coach and teammates.
Even though we had made it to CIF, no one believed we would win anything, but we proved them wrong. We strolled through our first and second matches; it was not until the semi-final round that we encountered difficulty. We faced the number 1 seeded team and we played valiantly but came up short. Overall, we had a great season. And as our team banquet came around I received the Rookie of The Year trophy for my great year, surprising everyone including myself. I can truly say I was never happier.
This achievement personifies me because it shows my determination to be the best. At first I was just any other player but at the end I had made a name for myself, which mirrors my mantra to become the greatest. Despite the fact that it will take time to get there, I will eventually become one of the best.</p>

<p>Whoa I would take your essays down right now. Anyone can see this post and steal your essays… or at least significantly “borrow” ideas from them. It’s just not a good idea…</p>

<p>how can i delete a post?</p>

<p>agreed with quomodo.</p>

<p>but since i read them anyways, might as well comment:
your first essay is somewhat generic. i could change “matthew rodriguez” to “john smith” and then change number of siblings to fit said “john’s” family and it would apply to him. i know this advice is a little vague but working to make your essay more representative of you would help a lot. specifics!</p>

<p>your 2nd essay: the first sentence is a good one, yet you never continue the story, instead going into the significance. if you start with an anecdote, finish it! and then describe the significance; you kind of deviated from it!</p>

<p>didn’t really focus on the body, but what caught my eye was your last sentence, which seemed a little conceited when you said you will eventually become one of the best. you should probably rephrase it to “striving for perfection” or the top, something like that so it’s a little less standoffish.</p>

<p>good luck with your essays, and try to take them off!</p>

<p>I like prompt 2. However, I think you should tie the tennis story to the specific qualities make you the best. What’s unique about this is not your “determination to be the best”–is anybody determined to be mediocre–but what qualities you have that make you suceed in actually being the best.</p>

<p>Prompt 1 isn’t personal enough. If it were me, I’d concentrate on your relationship with your siblings. Give us a specific examples of some hardship that you survived with the help of a sibling. Why is it you want to be the best at business and not some other field? What mark do you want to make? What is it about Bill Gates and Donald Trump that appeals to you?</p>