Help with unmotivated son

Parents Forum
1

<p>My son is very lazy, not always respectful, and not motivated to do anything much above average. He has been accepted into a good state university after posting a 3.15 GPA and SAT scores of 2000 at a fine high school.</p>

<p>I know that he is way too entitled, self-centered, and not mature enough to make the most out of college now. He is a liberal arts person without direction. Of course, he is a heavy on the ADD too. He wants to go to college now because of the alternative: getting a job. I can't see him performing minimally well on the most basic of jobs. I wouldn't hire him. Anyway, he won't even make a full effort at applying at any kind of job. Of course, he loves his time on the computer, which we have to restrict like we would with a younger child. He isn't on drugs. We have random tested him. He has always been the not caring much about anything type. </p>

<p>I already feel like the world's worst parent. I am new to this site so I apologize if this subject has been covered elsewhere. I would appreciate advice or even a link to a related discussion that would help me figure out what to do. </p>

<p>TIA.</p>

2

<p>You can start by making him pay for more stuff. If his grades aren’t up to your standards, have him start paying for tuition, food, cell phone bill, etc. Does he have aspirations for any career or is he going to be majoring in anything that he’s passionate about? If he faces the reality that if he doesn’t get himself in gear, he will have to find a job to support himself, he might take your concerns to heart.</p>

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<p>Has he been diagnosed with ADD? if so, check out the learning differences and challenges - LD and ADHD forum on this site under pre-college issues. There are a number of threads on students with ADD.</p>

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<p>Many parents on CC, at one time or another, have been frustrated with their child for not doing what we believe they should be doing (or are capable of doing). Sometimes it’s school work. Other times it’s talking about college. Other times it’s the life stuff. There are great threads on how to navigate the teenage psyche, set expectations, and deal with children with different learning challenges. But, it’s rare that I’ve seen a parent post with such disdain for their child. I’m sure you have many valid concerns, love your son deeply, and want the best for him but do you really see him as such a failure, as someone you wouldn’t give a chance to? </p>

<p>While he may need to be less “lazy,” I’d gently suggest that you need to consider whether you’re too critical. This type of judgment from a parent can be so harmful. I’m sure there’s a lot of potential and things to admire in your child. I don’t want to attack anyone who posts here – this should be a supportive place – but if my mom or dad felt this way about me, I’d be angry, hurt, defensive and probably, as a protective measure, purposely disengaged.</p>

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<p>OP, your son sounds a lot like our DS1, though your son’s grades are higher. I hear your frustration loud and clear. I loved him but often I didn’t really like him. He had diagnosed emotional issues and was on medication. Even though I understood his issues, the line between how much to push him and how much disrespect we had to tolerate was not always clear. He is highly intelligent and was very good at manipulating his therapist. It didn’t help when other people blamed us for his behavior. If I had a nickel for every time someone said to me, “THAT tone/attitude/behavior is NOT allowed in OUR house!” I’d be rich. Like you, I felt like the world’s worst parent. My low points were very low.</p>

<p>What helped in our case was to give him the choices, and be clear about what we were and were not offering. For instance, as an adult (over 18), he had the choice to take or not take his medication. Completely his choice. But if he lived with us he had to take it. If he didn’t take it, he could find somewhere else to live. Since he was an adult, (we informed him), we were not obligated to pay any of his support.</p>

<p>And the only way we would pay for school is if he agreed to take his meds. We made the agreement semester by semester for the first year, and he takes them regularly on his own now.</p>

<p>Similarly, we told him we would pay for college as long as he performed academically. We suggested he take a light courseload (12 units) his first semester. If he demonstrated that he could handle college, we would continue to pay semester by semester. If he decided not to study, or if he didn’t do well (we informed him), that would be fine - it was his decision. But he would then be responsible for getting a job and supporting himself.</p>

<p>We didn’t try to monitor his computer usage. It would be a losing battle. And yes, he played lots of World of Warcraft.</p>

<p>In other words, we sent the message that he is an adult and his success or failure was up to him. His life choices are up to him. But we would only continue to subsidize him if he was moving forward in school. </p>

<p>He is now a senior, with a GPA far better than he ever earned in HS. Our relationship with him has improved now that he no longer sees us as trying to control him.</p>

<p>Good luck. This is a good place to get support.</p>

<p>ETA: One key feature I forgot to mention - we got a thorough neuropsychological evaluation on him. We paid big bucks for this but it was worth it, because we knew exactly what we were dealing with. If you have any question about your son’s diagnosis, it might be worth it to get him tested. We don’t want to send our adult children out into the world with the cards unknowingly stacked against them.</p>

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<p>OP, your son sounds like a decent kid to me. His only issue I can tell is a lack of reality. He doesn’t sound like a kid that has to face life and all of its challenges.</p>

<p>I figure that kids will face life and all its challenges soon enough if we let them. I just keep coaching and teaching my S hoping that the knowledge and skills are there when he really needs them. He’s only half baked so I don’t know what the outcome will be yet.</p>

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<p>calla1 -</p>

<p>thanks for your response to this thread… If you don’t mind me asking, about what ballpark did you pay for your neuropsych testing? The reason I ask is because we just paid in the ballpark $1000 for testing and I want to know if we were crazy to do so.</p>

<p>I have had a rocky relationship with our son and I completely relate with how you described it - I love him but sometimes I don’t like him very much.</p>

<p>BUT, I hope that there is a glimmer of hope that understanding his issues will enable me to parent him as best I can. </p>

<p>Did the testing come out with any oppositional tendencies? We don’t have the results of the testing yet but when I was filling out forms, that is what struck me as to why I have such a hard time getting along with my son. We get the results back next week.</p>

<p>For what it’s worth, it seems by making consequences as clear as possible, and not getting dragged into an emotional power struggle, you are helping your son navigate life optimally… so it seems to me! Good luck going forward and it seems like there is a happy ending to your story!</p>

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<p>To the OP -</p>

<p>It’s hard to know from one post what is going on with your kid. Certainly other posters have picked up on the fact that the relationship between you two has soured. I was asking a child psych friend of mine whether it’s possible my kid could have ODD, and while of course he didn’t want to give my kid a diagnosis, ultimately we decided that if there were elements of opposition or defiance in our relationship, that probably the same behavioral management techniques that are used in ODD might work for my kid as well. I also found that there is significant comorbidity with ODD and ADHD.</p>

<p>Here’s a wiki link, maybe it will be helpful. The neuropsych testing might not be a bad idea, as you can see from my previous post, we (I, mostly) decided to have it done.</p>

<p>[Oppositional</a> defiant disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia](<a href=“http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oppositional_defiant_disorder]Oppositional”>Oppositional defiant disorder - Wikipedia)</p>

<p>good luck!</p>

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<p>Never mind on the costs of neuropsych testing. I decided to look it up and I think what our psychologist is charging is in the right ballpark. It was a 3 hr assessment, and I am guessing it was focused on cognitive and not social/ emotional testing. Looks like the whole battery is the entire day, or two half-days and can cost up to $4000.</p>

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<p>Start at a local CC and see if he is ready.Save the money.</p>

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<p>OP- Everyone matures at a different rate. Your son has graduated from HS and is going to a good University. He will mature in college. You’ve done a good job. Pat yourself on the back. Congrats</p>

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<p>forehand, we paid in the neighborhood of $2,500 for the assessment. One of his diagnoses was Oppositional Defiant Disorder, as well as ADD and Bipolar (which we were already addressing). He also had executive functioning deficits. As I mentioned above, the meds were non-negotiable. And it took several years to stabilize him from his severe mood swings. Fortunately, we started on this journey in upper elementary school, so we had the time to adjust/add/change the meds to get the right combination that worked for him.</p>

<p>Our situation was a bit touch and go, because on the one hand he clearly wasn’t ready to leave home, but the ODD made him completely resistant to ANY situation in which we were in authority roles over him. His way of blaming us for everything HE did wrong was absolutely maddening. (“I did this because YOU _____”)</p>

<p>In the end, the handing the choices over to him was as much for our sanity as for him. I had to let it all go, so that if he failed he wouldn’t be able to blame us and would (hopefully) have to look at himself. His failure would be all his own, BUT his successes would be too.</p>

<p>I don’t think a CC would have worked for our family. He needed to be out of the house and away, to sink or swim on his own. Once he moved out (to a college 4 - 5 hours away) he started getting nicer. He realized that our sole mission in life was NOT to control him and that we were treating him as an adult. He started to ask our advice. He got better grades than he ever would have in high school. We get along 95% of the time now. He works hard during the summer at his job. Other people comment on what a fine young man he is. He still has ADD moments but he’s not defensive about it. He’s living in an apartment for the summer up near his school. He’ll take an extra semester to graduate but so do a lot of students.</p>

<p>I do think it was key that he KNEW that we would pull the tuition plug if he didn’t perform. Like your son, he thought it was easier to be in school than to get a job. :)</p>

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<p>I am curious as to what his positives are. I think sometimes kids are very bored in high school, but when they figure out what they want they pour it on, and could surprise you greatly. What are his interests, what motivates him?</p>

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<p>OP, when discussing my son’s turnaround (which he readily admits), he said the key for him is that college was HIS choice, whereas in high school he was part of a large group of kids, at school and at home, being told what to do.</p>

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<p>Thanks to everyone who replied and thanks in advance to those who continue to add input. I reread my original message and the tone does sound kinda critical, but it was a way to get the essentials across without a lot of words. I do communicate fairly well with my son and have learned to remain calm in the face of the ODD stuff (the extent of formal testing has been limited to documentation of a strong case of ADD). My son used to have a passion for music composition, but now he says he isn’t much interested in any particular subject. Yes, some of this is an 18-yr old’s angst, but, regardless, ha, he would be a strong contender for the world’s laziest 18-yr old. He has always been lethargic even as a young child…always just barely going through the motions with the simplest of jobs around the house (that’s why I said I wouldn’t hire him as an employer). I have an older son and a younger son, so although we don’t compare them outwardly, I do have some context. I love him, but, yes, I don’t always like him when he just takes and doesn’t give anything back…and doesn’t respect all that he has.</p>

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<p>OP, your son sounds like a pretty average teenage boy to me. Maybe he’s self-centered and not motivated but it doesn’t sound as though he is a disciplinary problem or destructive in any way. I wonder if he feels that you are too controlling over his life. I am curious as to why you have conducted random drug tests on him. Other than what you’ve described, did you have some reason to believe he was using drugs? If not, I can understand why the relationship is rocky. Not trying to be judgmental, just trying to understand.</p>

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<p>About navigating the teenage psyche- which threads would you recommend? I found a few searching for disrespect, defiant.</p>

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<p>Since he’s choosing college over the idea of working, then you have the right to have some expectations if you’ll be paying.</p>

<p>You say that he feels entitled, well, if he’s choosing college on your dollar, but will likely waste the opportunity (or not make the most of it), then you have the right to put forth some expectations to keep the checkbook open. </p>

<p>I’m not suggesting unrealistic expectations, but maybe a GPA expectation of a 3.2 GPA, doing some chores around the house this summer, etc.</p>

<p>I would not be providing pocket money for him. He can earn that himself.</p>

<p>Will he be living at home while at college or will he be dorming? Either way, does he know how to do laundry? If not, have him do all of his laundry this summer and a few other chores to prepare him for dorming or commuting from home.</p>

<p>What are your expectations? Write those out, have him sign an agreement that includes consequences if the expectations aren’t met.</p>

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<p>We gave him a drug test because I smelled pot on him, he confessed that he had been smoking 2-3 times a month. I can’t be certain, but I think we stopped that cold…ha, at least until he goes to college. </p>

<p>mom2collegekids and calla1, you gave some excellent advice. He’ll be dorming about 2 hrs from home. </p>

<p>The large question is still, why send an 18-year old off to college when you know he isn’t ready to make the most of it? The most common response seems to be that if you plan well, the kid will likely mature enough during those years at college to make it all worthwhile when all is said and done. Since my son won’t look for a job on his own right now, and is a decent kid, just very lazy, I guess we’ll just try to get him to work around the house until August, send him off to college, and hope for the best.</p>

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<p>I might be a bit unmotivated too if my parents thought so little of me that they had me randomly drug tested. </p>

<p>Just saying. Can’t really help you out at all. Good luck.</p>