<p>I really need some help with this. Im still in a daze. My daughter is a third-year student at a HADES school, all top grades, no disciplinary issues to date. Then we get a call, after 10 pm on a Friday night from the Dean of Students. She tells us there are three issues where our daughter has, untypically, crossed her radar screen recently: first it seems our daughter has been reprimanded for talking in the library (okay, but I already knew that, and not a hanging offense that seemed to merit a call from the Dean of Student after 9 pm);
second, our daughter had been overheard throwing up in the dorm (also aware of for at least a week, turned out to be lactose intolerance, not bulimia, and was being appropriately handled by the schools medical team with full communication with parents);<br>
then, third, the H-bomb (and what exactly did this have in common with talking in the library or a medical issue?)-there were rumors that our daughter (16 two months ago) was having an inappropriate sexual affair with a male faculty member. No kidding, inappropriate? Ever heard of in loco parentis? Dean would not divulge the name of the faculty member (although counselor to whom she referred us did), but assured us that an investigation had revealed that the rumor was false and that the rumor probably originated with our daughter (my wife flew up the next day, our daughter vehemently denies being the source, and we dont believe that its true).
Two days before, without our knowledge, our daughter was called on the carpet before the Head of School and browbeaten in an attempt to get her to admit that she was the source of the rumor.
Where do I go from here? Thoughts? Reactions?</p>
<p>• Record everything that has happened thus far–to you and your daughter. Put it in writing and ask the Head of School to respond…</p>
<p>• Tell your daughter to let administration know that she is not going to talk about this topic again until you arrive. </p>
<p>• Set up an appointment now so that when you arrive, you will get the attention and time you deserve. Make certain that your daughter is present when you meet the Head of School. Make certain that he/she addresses the inappropriate way in which your daughter was dealt with, but keep your cool and document, document, document!</p>
<p>Yikes, what an H-bomb is right. And what a terrible time of year to have a distraction for a junior. You need allies within the school community. Rally support where you can–teachers, advisors, dorm rep, the counselor, and local parents if she’s been to others’ homes–who can support her good character and the unfortunate nature of an attack. In addition, at the right time, let them know that you want assurances that none of this (which appears ubsubstantiated) make their way into her school record or has other consequences for her school career.</p>
<p>All the advice about documenting everything is right, as is the advice about setting up an appointment with your daughter, the Head of School and the Dean. But there is one other thing, tell your daughter NOT to discuss the situation with ANYONE!! Not her closest friends, not her adviser, NO ONE BUT YOU. Two reasons: all she can do by talking is to keep the topic hot on campus and, worse, say something stupid to someone she thinks she can trust, and then find out later the trust was misplaced.</p>
<p>Final word: tell her to behave impeccably. No latenesses. No talking back. Nothing that would break even the smallest rule. Golden behavior all the way.</p>
<p>You need to get this issue on your turf, fully documented, as quickly as you can.</p>
<p>I smell a hungry ■■■■■ in this thread. This story doesnt sit right.</p>
<p>Similar thing happened at Ds school a few years back. Rumors about a student and teacher were flying. Teacher was let go even though nothing happened. Girl confabulated whole thing. Plus my D said she was very seductive to said teacher in class.
In no way am I implying this is what posters D did, just pointing out this stuff does happen.<br>
I Ds schools case, it was sad they let teacher go but he would have been scrutinized from then on regardless of the truth.</p>
<p>your daughter needs you!</p>
<p>Without being a great detective there is reason to doubt the authenticity of this story. Of the HADES schools, two (SPS and Exeter) don’t use the title “Head of School”. The original poster also referred to the Dean of Students as “she”, but the remaining three HADES schools have a male as Dean of Students.</p>
<p>Most of the schools have multiple Deans of Students- by class, or “freshman girls” etc so that is not implausible. The end of the year is crazy at these places, so a Friday night call is not implausible either. Just saying.</p>
<p>I think the poster is an adult. You can play detective, but it is possible the poster has changed a few details or used generic terms to provide some privacy, as we all advise people to do.
My own d got into a situation where a fib she told a friend turned into a more exciting rumor, though fortunately not one about something against the rules, and fortunately our d told us about what was going on. The issue isn’t about who started the rumor, but that no prohibited behavior took place. Get the school to focus on that and move on. I can see that this is not the easiest thing to talk to an adult about, but if there was a rumor going on about her, your d should have talked to you, dorm parent, counselor, someone. If she had taken action, things might have been different. As for lumping in the other “offenses” I see no relationship among them, just that your d hit a threshold where they contact the parents.</p>
<p>Why would anyone trying to modify the facts to maintain privacy make a point of specifying that the event occurred at one of five extremely well-known schools (HADES) that have the heaviest participation on this board?</p>
<p>If the OP’s story is true, however, then I think it will be relatively easy to get the school to move on. Waiting several days and then lumping a major issue with some minor ones may be an indication that they know their response was wrong and they are hoping it will blow over (probably upon advice from their lawyers). Whether the girl is innocent of the allegations or not, the bigger issue is whether she can be comfortable again in that environment.</p>
<p>Hire a lawyer. The school wouldn’t be making an issue of the other unrelated items (talking in the library???) unless they were really worried they had done something wrong. Only through the threat of leagl action are you likely to gain access to your d’s file and see what they really have said about this or what sort of investigation they conducted. Furthermore, you absolutely want an ironclad agreement that it will not be referenced ever again in her files or recommendations. I am really shocked that the school may have tried to “sweat it out of her”, without informing you first. Frankly, depending on exactly when the allegations are alleged to have taken place, there should probably be a criminal investigation into the teacher’s conduct. (The legal age of consent in most states is 16. However, in CT and NH, where the actor is in loco parentis, it is 18.) This is a potential felony situation and you should really see an attorney, as well as a counselor for your D.</p>
<p>No further posts since the original one opening the thread. If you don’t see through this, then you are not going to make it through boarding school.</p>
<p>If true, why would op post the circumstances? If it is indeed true, surely there is only one such open scenario at all the HADES. So any school administrator reading the thread would immediately know that the circumstances are being publicized by the parent. In turn, that raises the prospect of some sort of disciplinary retaliation against the daughter. This is all just mendacity and prevarication.</p>
<p>Thanks for much good advice. To whoever said it, I am not a “■■■■■”. Just hope this never happens to you.</p>
<p>I am not a complete fool. The details match nothing real. The essential truth is there. Thanks to all who responded candidly and with a desire to help. To the rest…?</p>