My D lost a close friend a few weeks ago in an accident, and another was severely injured. The first week afterward seemed to be a blur, what with visiting the hospital, giving police statements, etc. Now the campus is settling back into normal, but my D is still grieving pretty hard. She called us last night and said that there’s a big hole for her. It tends to hit her at night. She’s got a couple of friends she can talk to, but she really misses us and is eager to be home for Thanksgiving. She did come home the weekend after it happened and I got her some counseling.
What I didn’t expect was how hard this whole thing would be on me. It pains me deeply to see her so upset, and I think about her friend every day and the unfairness of it all. I didn’t know her friend, but from what I’ve learned he was exactly the kind of person I would have wanted her to hang out with. He had a bright future ahead of him.
Has anyone helped their child deal with this kind of tragedy from afar? It’s very upsetting to me that she’s having to deal with this without me there. Does it get better? Her other friend is recovering well and should be back on campus soon, which will help her enormously.
The first death in a young person’s experience always hits hard (assuming this is her first). The initial experience of a person just not being there anymore can be shocking. If she continues to suffer with this, a visit to a counselor on campus might help. Tell her that you never stop missing someone but that the grief gets better. Sometimes we hold on to grief as if feeling better is somehow dishonoring the person lost, so things can be complicated in a way that a counselor could help. But it’s early days and her reactions are normal of course.
I am so sorry for the loss of this dear friend. I hope that the injured friend recovers.
A friend of mine’s DD lost her long-time BF in a car accident last April…just a few weeks before final exams. She was also a student-athlete and still had to compete (softball). Her mom did make a couple of weekend trips to campus as add’l support.
Is your DD talking to a counselor? I’m not a big fan of meds, but sometimes a short-term Rx can help “get a person through” the early weeks while having to meet real obligations, in this case, school.
Thanks to you all. I will take these suggestions and keep being there for her. But yes, it’s hard because this is the first sudden death of someone close to her. To be honest, I’ve never even experienced the sudden death of a close friend and it just pains me that she has to be going through this on top of all the other changes involved with leaving home.
Does she have counselling at school ? I would err on the side of a bit of helicoptering and lots of phone calls for a few months … until she tells you to lay off.
Went through a similar tragedy when my daughter was a college sophomore. Her best friend since she was a toddler, and the entire family, were killed in a car accident. The girls were as close as sisters; my D was practically a member of her friend’s family. Joined them on vacations, had her own food drawer in their house, etc. It was a life-changing shock for my daughter, and yes, I suffered for her, too. What I noticed at the time, is that my daughter really needed to bond with her peers, other kids who knew her best friend well too. It’s like all the kids needed each other, and drew their strength from one another. So, I just helped make that happen. I didn’t pry much into how my daughter “felt” – I simply let her know I knew she was suffering and that I understood her pain. Home became a refuge where she could mourn, with no questions asked, and 100% support offered. In my private moments, I cried. For her friend, her family – and for my own daughter. Childhood ended for her on a specific day. It still blows my mind. My understanding of the depth of my daughter’s reaction is something that has bonded us closely.
I second the idea about counseling, including temporary meds. I’m doing that myself after the loss of my nephew. Yes, the nights are hard, but meds help keep me calm so that I can get some sleep. Hugs to your D!!
From a friend who is a grief counselor: Talk, touch, time. Allow her to talk to you about it as much as she wants in order to process, or make sure she has access to a counselor for as long as she wants. Touch, hugs are healing. When she is home for the break between semesters, encourage her to exercise.
My DD experienced this kind of event during her senior year, when her best friend had a tragic accident. It derailed my DD emotionally in a big way. She led an effort at the school to honor her friend, with the entire class participating in a commemorative event that she organized, with cooperation of the college.
This, however, affected my DD’s grades and performance and while she went through commencement with her class she had to complete a couple of courses in summer school. Formally, this delayed her graduation date by a year. But it was so important that she take an active role in the commemorative event, both for herself, her classmates and the deceased girl’s parents. A scholarship has been named, which we contribute to every year.
Some schools give students who lost someone close to them one academic term off. Maybe her school does this; if so, you could look into it if she would have trouble functioning academically.
@katliamom and @MaineLonghorn, I am so sorry for the loss of the people close to you. Thanks to everyone for the advice. I don’t think she will necessarily need time off academically, but I have been bugging her more today to go to counseling. And I’m getting some for myself tomorrow.
Our son experienced this junior year at boarding school. One of the boys in his home Scout troop, whom he had known since they were Cubs, was killed in a jeep rollover accident just a few months shy of sharing their joint Eagle Scout ceremony. The boy was not wearing his seatbelt; the others walked away unharmed. The senselessness of the death rocked our son’s world, and we couldn’t be there for him. Because he was across the country, he was not able to attend the funeral or grieve among the other Scouts in his troop, and none of his friends at BS were a part of his Scout life, so they didn’t know this boy and couldn’t empathize in any meaningful way. Our son was left to deal with the initial blow on his own. Fortunately, there were caring adults and a counselor around him at his school, and DH was able to spend time with him there about a week later. We talked to him often on the phone, and when he came home for the summer, he spent some time with the boy’s parents, and he was enfolded by his troop. The deep sorrow did eventually pass, but never the sense of loss when thinking about his friend.
The experience made him think deeply about his own mortality and what it means to make the most of whatever time is allotted to us. This loss happened at a crucial time for our son as he was applying to service academies and having to evaluate his feelings about accepting the potential for making the ultimate sacrifice for his country. I believe he made his decision to accept that appointment with a little deeper understanding of what was important to him and what his life is worth.
I wish I could tell you, @lauriejgs, that there will be some meaning for your daughter out of this tragedy or that there is some prescription to make it all better quickly, but I don’t have those answers. I like what @Palomina offered: Talk, touch, time. Maybe a lot of time. Hugs to you and your daughter as you share memories of her friend and allow her to grieve in whatever way she needs to. I assume she’s coming home next week for Thanksgiving. You can be whatever she needs then and go from there. Wishing you strength and love as you deal with this.
Glad you’re encouraging the counseling and will get some, yourself. My girls experienced this twice while in college. What can sometimes happen, in any sort of grief, is the terrible feeling you’re alone in what you’re feeling. Rarely do others around one know just the right words or reassurance. Sometimes, they can’t even acknowledge.
I work with a grief support group locally and there is no generalizing. But we can see how meaningful it is, for even adults, when they realize others feel the same distress, are just as uncertain. That’s another form of talk, touch, time, the group setting. You can sometimes find this through a local hospital or hospice, which can have groups tailored to the particular sort of loss or the age group. Best wishes.
My friend was killed a year ago July, just weeks before our daughter’s were to go to the same college. The girls had know each other since kindergarten, but weren’t close friends, just classmates. I was rahter surprised that H went to school, but she did. I encouraged my daughter to get H to go through sorority rush just to meet some people. She did, loved it, and the girls ended up in the same house (her mother had assured me H had no interest in sororities ). Sometimes H would call daughter and just ask her to come over and sit with her , watch tv, etc. I sometimes send H a package when I send my daughter’s things. I think H just needs my daughter sometimes as someone who knew her mother and misses her too.
A coworker had a college friend die either just before or just after graduation. They were part of a group of 6 or 8 close friends,in each others weddings, vacationing together, etc. What I thought was very nice was they always invited the mother of the girl who died to their events, sent her cards, visited her when near her home. It kept the girl in their lives and I know it meant a lot to the mother.
Maybe your daughter can have some contact with her friend’s family. Maybe both sides would benefit from a quick call, or sending a letter or card just saying she’s thinking of them and missing her friend.
Finishing the semester successfully: Have her talk to the counseling center regularly. If this is affecting her grades, she should talk to someone (Professors? Dean of Students) about this so they know
Supporting her emotionally – Validate her feelings, let her talk to you about this person as much as she would like, when she gets home suggest she write a letter to his parents.
She most definitely needs to get counseling/therapy for this trauma. Twice a week to start would be my recommendation, with someone experienced in treating trauma. The danger is that it could turn into long-term PTSD. The longer her grief is unaddressed professionally, the greater the chance of intractable PTSD.