<p>My sons girlfriend of 2 1/2 years broke up with him 1 week into school. They go to different schools and had planned to "see how things go and try and make it work". They are both at academically challenging schools about an hour away from each other. She did it on the phone and there is apparently no concrete reason, just something she needs to do. Says there is no other guy. He was blindsided and I am so concerned with how he is handling it. He really wants to visit her in person but she says she doesn't want him to. Let me add that this is very out of character for her. We are a half hour away from him and I was able to visit him, and will be there for him. Not sure how to help him through the near future, with the school work and all the other obligations he has. I am so angry, who does that on the phone, 1 week into school when there are so many stresses? As a parent, I know he will eventually be ok, but I'm concerned with him not being able to concentrate and deal. He's not eating, and is having trouble sleeping. I suggested the schools counseling, but he was not open to that. I feel so awful and I know his ache is 10 times worse. Has anyone experienced this? Thanks</p>
<p>It seems to me that unless you have reason to believe your son would do something drastic (e.g., harm himself), you have to back off and let him handle it and work through the pain. I know it hurts to see your kids hurting, but sometimes you can’t fix things for them.</p>
<p>How many of our parents “managed” our breakups for us?</p>
<p>Does a break up ever come at a good time? Have you thought she may have wanted out for much longer but wanted to use the seperation of college to give her the distance she needed to make this break? I don’t think anyone ever wants to hurt someone when it comes to a break up, but the hurt is going to happen. We have lived through break ups at college and they are NEVER easy. But the reality is, the never are. All you can do is try to keep him on track. Don’t talk about her. Talk about his school. Ask him about assignements, readings, whatever it takes to place focus on school not his heart. You know this will be a blip on his screen 5 years from now, but right now it dominates his world. Send him a card, a care package…keep supporting and supporting and supporting…it is all you can do. The worse part about these break ups is not only has he lost his girlfriend, she was more than likely his best friend too. So keept the lines of communication wide open.</p>
<p>Pizzagirl, very true. We managed our own breakups. And I have spoken to him about the issue of something drastic, I honestly and hopefully don’t think that’s an issue.</p>
<p>Collegeshopping, so very true. He has also said he lost his best friend. Thank you for the specific advice. And we never know the whole story of someone else’s relationship. Hopefully it will be a blip on his screen a lot sooner than 5 years!</p>
<p>We hurt when our kids hurt, and when they have dated someone for that long it’s very likely that you’ve grown at least somewhat attached to his gf. This would explain why you are so angry with her. You can’t judge an 18yo girl that breaks up on the phone by what you feel is right. It doesn’t matter if you feel that’s a crappy mo or not and being mad at her, and feeding into that with your son, isn’t going to help anything. Your comment that this is ‘very out of character’ for her adds to the expectation you have of her…you expected more. You have to let go of what this means to you and how hurt you are by these actions. Over the phone, one week into school, with all the stress… it makes no difference. Really it doesn’t. If she doesn’t want to be in the relationship anymore she has every right to end it. It is entirely possible she wanted to do this prior to leaving for school, but every time she broached the subject your son was in the ‘we’re just going to give it a go’ mode that she felt the easiest thing to do was wait until she was at school to make a clean break. This break up would have been no less painful for him if it has been 2 days before he left for college. Move in, meeting new friends, starting classes, all would have been overshadowed by the break up. There was never going to be a good time. Perhaps she was willing to give it a go and once in school realized that constant contact via text, skype, fb, etc. was just too much for her to get involved and fully integrate into her new campus life and then made the tough decision. The point is, it was between your son and his gf and has nothing to do with you.</p>
<p>Your job is to step back and support, from home, listen when he calls, watch for any major warning signs of difficulty, and make sure your difficulty with this doesn’t bleed over onto him. He’s got enough to deal with. Many, many relationships end the first few weeks of school, or then there’s the infamous Turkey Drop. If you feel the need to vent, call a gf for coffee (or drinks). It works like a charm for me when I am trying not to let my emotions bleed into my kids lives. That way I get it out of my system, and they don’t hear about it. Hugs to you…this part of parenting can be very tough.</p>
<p>In my experience, kids are resilient. Mine have gone through break-ups from no-big-deal to crying so hard they couldn’t talk to not eating for three days. I think being in school is a good thing–so many distractions to get his mind off of it (not the least of which are all those lovely young coeds. . .). Be a sympathetic ear, but after a while make a conscious effort to move the conversation to anything but the romance. He really does have so much else going on in his life right now. (And for you–work to forgive the girlfriend. There really is no good time or good way to do this. I’m quite certain she’s been thinking about this for a while. In some sense you have to admire her courage.)</p>
<p>My sympathies to you mtlakes. My freshman S and his girlfriend are at schools 14 hours away and are hoping to stay together. I think he knows it’s very common for freshman to break up during first semester. I told him in a few different conversations over the summer that the way I see it, it’s each of their jobs to grow as people and stay in touch and be honest. If they grow in ways that keep them together, fine, if they grow in ways that push them in different directions, that needs to be OK too. I also told him that it isn’t a bad thing if either of them decides they want to be free from the relationship, and there doesn’t need to be a reason beyond it just feeling like what you want to do. I don’t know that any of that will help ease the pain if they do break up,but it’s how I feel. I told hi I thought they should plan on being honest with each other, even if that includes a change of heart. I’ve promised myself I won’t be mad at GF if she breaks up with him. I would be mad if I found out one of them was seeing other people and lying about it. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with either of them deciding they want to be unattached while getting started in college, and frankly I would rather she call and be honest once she’s made that decision than that she lie to him until they get home for Thanksgiving.</p>
<p>I think the best you can do for him is be sympathetic and supportive, and model a healthy response to sad times - don’t be part of him wallowing in it too deeply. And it’s always good advice not to say bad things about the GF - they may get back together, and you can’t unsay the bad things you’ve said about her.</p>
<p>At least she didn’t do it in a text, or just by changing her Facebook status.</p>
<p>My only advice is to not encourage him to go see her, and to refrain from criticizing how she broke up with him to him.</p>
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This is an excellent point. Hopefully he can get past it and start to socialize on campus sooner.</p>
<p>Thanks for the free therapy blueiguana! All true. I have not let my emotions or anger known to him. Time will hopefully heal his young heart. Thanks</p>
<p>Pinotnoir, all things we too discussed. He knew the odds were against them. He feels they committed to “try” and she only gave it a week. I figured the “turkey drop” would be the break point, knowing college is a time to grow and head in different directions from what one is used to. and I agree it would have never been a good time. And I am fully supporting him, and not bad mouthing her. But, boy, as a parent we feel what they feel, the good and the bad.</p>
<p>MyLB, I agree it’s good he is in school, and a school with lots of coeds. I only hope the no eating lasts only 3 days!</p>
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<p>truer words were never spoken!</p>
<p>Think about it this way… better now than the turkey drop, right before finals!</p>
<p>The loneliness and hurt will sting for a while, but as he gets busier and busier at school–exams and papers will be coming up, and hopefully he is involved in some things such as clubs, sports, social groups? he will be distracted and the hurt will lessen over time. </p>
<p>Most people don’t marry their high school sweethearts–almost everyone goes through the pain of that break up. We all go through the sadness, survive it, go on to the next relationship when we meet that next 'right" person…it’s what they do at this age.</p>
<p>It really hurts because it is the first and it is so intense…and our young people don’t have the perspective that it is the first time, because to them it is their first experience and therefore their only experience.</p>
<p>If it’ll make you feel better, my younger daughter is helping two new guy friends with their breakups now. She only met them few weeks ago when the school started. One guy actually told her that he didn’t feel comfortable with their relationship because he had a girlfriend. D2 said, “Not so fast here, I have no interest in YOU.”</p>
<p>She said in both of those cases, it was the girl who did the breaking up. One guy was so upset, he started crying in front of D2. Another guy couldn’t be alone for few days, so D2 and other kids took turns in staying with him. This guy’s gf was also close by, he brought a car up to school so he could visit her regularly, but the girl changed her mind. </p>
<p>Those kids have a lot of support from their friends in school. It is quite common for kids to break up when they go away to college. It is probably better it happened now instead waiting until Thanksgiving. </p>
<p>According to D2, both guys are doing better now, but it was rough going for few days. I was actually getting upset with the situation(s) because I didn’t want D2 to spend first few weeks of school babysitting. OP - if one of those boys is your son, I am going to send you a bill. :)</p>
<p>Another reason it hurts is that she is the one who made the decision. I think everyone hurts when they feel rejected, even if they knew it was for the best. It’s human nature.
As someone who tends to see the glass half-full, she did him a favor by breaking it off while he has an chance to get involved with other new people at the beginning when new friendships are formed, and to be open to what might happen and who he might meet in his new environment. I would bet that there are a lot of wonderful young women at his college who would love being with a young man who wants a relationship instead of just a random hook-up, and your son has already shown himself to be that kind of person. Now he is free to immerse himself in everything his college has to offer.<br>
My comments are meant to make you feel better, OP, but I wouldn’t relay any of it to him. Being told, “it may be for the best” is NOT what he wants to hear right now. I’d just sympathize, listen, and trust that he will get over her in good time.</p>
<p>You guys are all making me feel better! All so very true statements! My son is involved, clubs, sports, he is outgoing, handsome and a gentleman. I’m sure some coeds already have their eye on him!</p>
<p>Of course, many of us have been through it, both on the receiving end and the parenting end. Parting ways soon into the college year is probably more common than NOT, I would guess. I very clearly remember playing the same stupid recod over, and over, and over my freshman year when my boyfriend broke up with by LETTER no less. The NERVE! LOL. And last year D found out HER BF was seeing other people 3rd-hand through Facebook. It happens.</p>
<p>You listen to their sad monologues about how the world will never be the same and how they don’t know how to face the day and you nod and say, “I know. I know.” And you suggest that they talk to kids in their dorms, their classes, join a group of some kind and assure them that it will all get better. They won’t believe you at first but it WILL get better and you’ll know as soon as they call with some chirp in their voice and talk about something other than “the one who got away”. </p>
<p>And as much as you want to be angry with the girl, she is a young adult who’s just doing the best she can now in a situation that would be awkward no matter how it played out. She has a right to live her life, as does your son. Focus on HIM, not her and let HIM take the lead as to what her thinks about her. You keep out of that part.</p>
<p>Geezermom, thanks for the pm. CC won’t let me reply as I don’t have 15 posts:(</p>
<p>Reading this with interest and appreciation. My D and her longtime (well, longtime for high schoolers-- 2.5 yrs) boyfriend are facing this same thing, though I suspect my daughter is the one moving away from the relationship. She’s 16 hours away at school, loving it, having a ball, and he is staying in our town getting ready to start cc. The writing’s on the wall for me, but it’s still sad nevertheless. She keeps thinking she’s a “bad person” for having fun while he is sad about her new life. That’s the only thing that I feel I need to involve myself in-- assuring her that she is not a bad person, no one is a bad person, this is a natural development. </p>
<p>We keep getting the “I need to come home” texts (she feels she needs to talk to him about it, and of course she does miss him) followed by the “never mind I know it’s not a good idea” texts. I just hang onto the roller coaster and try to be supportive. </p>
<p>These poor kids!</p>