<p>Any advice on helping your child if they do not get their first choice (dream school for quite a long time)? I know the basics what not to say - "It is for the best", etc. but I am sure others have tips from their experiences which may help and I would love to hear.
Now, if it is an acceptance I would love to have something to give our child that day from the school, but am feeling superstitious and don't want to purchase something ahead of time for fear of it back firing which of course being an resonable person I know that could not make a difference. There is just something different about being able to celebrate right at that moment than wait 3 days for something to come in the mail.
I think I am going to have to live on Zantac for the next week! This is the last notice remaining and every other one has been an acceptance so far. UGH!</p>
<p>I think it really makes a difference how focused the student is on that “dream” school. If it’s really a ‘dream’, a reach etc. then maybe the student isn’t as invested as a parent might believe. I don’t know. We’re in the same situation. One more school to hear from. It was originally his dream/reach/#1 choice but I’m not convinced he really expects to get accepted and I’m not as convinced he’s as “in love” as he was in August. I don’t know how I feel either. I think what I’ll probably say is “I’m so sorry it didn’t work out. I’ve always believe there’s a reason for everything.” Lame, I know!</p>
<p>Sometimes it’s best to mainly listen to them and let them vent or let them say nothing however they react. If you say anything, just let them know that you feel that it’s the school’s loss, and your student has the ability to flourish wherever they are planted. Make sure your student knows that they didn’t disappoint you. Sometimes students are more concerned about disappointing their parents than by not getting into their first choice school.</p>
<p>And most students move on from that disappointment in a week or so and then get very excited about the college that they will attend.</p>
<p>It also can help to now say good things about all colleges that they’ve applied to – especially the ones they’ve already been accepted to or are schools that they are likely to be accepted to.</p>
<p>I used to tell my sons, “You’ve applied to a great group of schools, and wherever you end up going, I feel you’ll have wonderful opportunities.”</p>
<p>I am not sure how much sugar coating we need to do with disappointments. We all suffer many disappointments in life and some of them help to motivate us to improve and succeed in the future.</p>
<p>O.K., I don’t know how to quote or highlight, but OLYMOM had a great post on the March Madness (not Basketball) thread…</p>
<p>"Speak to family and friends and student about how we accept news.</p>
<p>Happy blessings are received with an attitude of graditude and words of appreciation for those who helped us arrive at our happy state. Gloating is tacky (acceptable for five minutes in one’s bedroom with one’s best friend if BF also has had happy news).</p>
<p>Hard news is accepted with a (one) box of kleenex and a quart of ice cream. Any more boo hooing is in bad form (after all, no one died here). On going boo hooing wastes trees (too many tissues), gives one a dreadful stuffed nose (most uncomfortable) and too much ice cream makes the backside as wide as Wyoming.</p>
<p>This is the protocal for all life’s events that do not involve a death. Dignity is available to all of us if we just plan to be dignified.</p>
<p>Talk about this NOW. Kids do best if they know the pattern they are to follow.</p>
<p>I am constantly uncomfortable about the drama that CC engenders around college acceptances. We are proud of our children. We should not let a college admissions office change that or inflate that. "</p>
<p>^^^^^I love that.</p>
<p>I also agree with Northstarmom about just letting them vent. At least at first, I don’t think they really want to hear that “it’s for the best.” I would acknowledge their feelings- “I know you must be really disappointed” - and then just listen to them, hand them a tissue, give them a hug if they’re the kind of kid who like hugs.</p>
<p>A hug, lots of listening, reminders of all the achievement the kid has had, to bring him/her to this point…and then…well, here are the choices, what do you think? Yes, it’s a disappointment, and perhaps, depending on the circumstances, a kick in the ego…but as long as there are a few choices on the table it should not be too hard to get the excitement flowing. Life is about to change, in a wonderful way…and the sooner they can get on board the new ship, the quicker the last one will pass into the distance.</p>
<p>While sometimes it is for the best, I don’t think it’s helpful to say so when the feelings are raw. I think it’s best to take your cue from your kid. If they seem to want hugs and ice cream and “I know you must be disappointed” that’s what you give them. If they just want to move onto the next stage of choosing among the remaining choices that’s okay too. I’m sure my older son was disappointed not to get into his first choice, but he did not want either sympathy or bucking up. He just wanted to move on. So we did.</p>
<p>I gave our younger kid The Talk just before he was due to hear. You know the one - “You’re a great person and a great candidate, you will do amazing things with your life, if you don’t get in it’s their loss…” Then he got in.</p>
<p>DO NOT do what H. did with our oldest. In a fit of idiocy he told her that if she got into Dream U. he would buy her a pinball machine - a particular title. Built in the '90’s, so it’s not like you can just run down to the corner store and pick one up. Plus they’re expensive. After he said this he realized that he had been out of his mind, but too late. If she got in he would have to buy it. If she was rejected, he would have to get it as a consolation prize. He wanted to have it in-house before she heard, so he snapped up the first one he found and of course paid too much for it, especially considering its condition. Turned out that a lot of beer had been spilled into it and then it had been stored somewhere hot and humid, so the entire thing was filled with mold. He and S. took the entire thing apart and filled the garage floor with little bowls full of components. It looked like a giant lego project. When the Big Day came (she got in) it still wasn’t finished, so he led her out to the garage to see the giant collection of parts. We still have the thing - it’s cute, but it isn’t one of our favorites. H. was almost going to sell it, but he has a hard time parting with his babies, which are now taking over our house. Oh well, if he loses his job maybe we can pay the mortgage by turning the place into an arcade.</p>
<p>We too have been superstitious about not buying anything college related until she hears so we’ve visited many a bookstore and ohhh and ahhhed over things but no buying allowed. So while I too would love to have something on hand when she hears from the “it” school this Friday, I won’t for fear it could be a lousy reminder if things don’t go the right way. If they do though we’ve already planned as a family to head to their bookstore this weekend (2 hours away) where we will all be buying sweatshirts! I think D’10s younger brother, S’15, is the one most excited about this possibility since D’10 is too nervous to be excited. I am glad though the decision comes out on a Friday evening when her siblings are usually off enjoying Friday afternoons elsewhere because her younger sister, D’13 has a tendency to make her more anxious so if she’s in we can celebrate and txt anyone she wants to share it with - if it’s a no she can regroup before having to answer questions.</p>
<p>When we found out that my S was accepted at his ED school, one of the first things we did was go online and order a t-shirt and sweatshirt for the school. Sure it wasn’t the instant gratification of having it immediately, but it was still very exciting for him to pick out what he wanted, and then the excitement the next week when the stuff arrived.</p>
<p>I think you don’t have to sugar coat, but there is huge value in learning out loud how to rejoice and how come quickly to terms with bad outcomes in life (and I would add MANY bad outcomes can’t be prevented by simply improving ourselves). Life is just like that so learning to roll is wonderful, taking joy in where it takes you and not constantly fighting for more with “if only you did X”.</p>
<p>One way to adjust to a rejection might be to start highlighting the downsides of ‘dream’ school- every school has them and I think anyone who has done a healthy decent job of scoping out their dream schools sees their strengths AND their weaknesses. Likewise, one can start focusing on the positives of the alternatives, or next ones in line (especially if they have some wonderful attributes the rejecting school lacked).</p>
<p>I also agree about avoiding gloating but heck, around family, you should gloat gloat and gloat some more. Go at it, what the heck. Life is too short to be stifling excitement and joy; not many “big moments” in life come by so no one should guilt you into burying the thrill (which too shall pass fast enough). After all the work and stress that went into it, let loose and pat yourself on the back (just don’t take it outside).</p>
<p>Buy absolutely nothing until you have news either way. In fact, older D’s school sent a coupon code for a really cheap buy on a sweatshirt. Sure they could have given it to you free I suppose, but it was definitely incentive to buy. </p>
<p>I agree that there are lots of disappointments in life and frankly, I agree mostly with the statement that it’s not where you go but what you make of the opportunity. The only thing I ever said to S about not getting into his ED school was, “Im sorry, I know you must be disappointed.” He already knew there were great things in his future as he had written his entire essay about failure never having been a defining moment for him.</p>
<p>When I got rejected from PhD programs this year, the nicest things people (my boss and co-worker) said was along the lines of “Their loss. They don’t know what an excellent grad student their missing!”</p>
<p>My mom, on the other hand, had a penchant for saying unintentionally hurtful things: “They didn’t pick you?,” “Oh, I wanted you to go that school,” etc. So, yeah, don’t do that.</p>