<p>I have to turn this in like today and I was wondering if someone can critique it for me? I'd REAAAALLY appreciate it. Thanks in advance :)</p>
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[quote]
Essay </p>
<p>An essay is encouraged which describes your past academic experiences and your reasons for wishing to transfer to the ************* at this point in your academic career. Students who have been out of school for several years, or who have a personal circumstance that affected their academic performance may wish to submit a statement between 350-500 words in length that addresses that situation (optional)."
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</p>
<p>my essay:</p>
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[quote]
I have been attending *********** Community College for the past two years and I now desire to continue my education in the field of Computer Science at your school. I hope to be able to transfer to **<strong><em>of *</em></strong> because of a lot of reasons that I believe will help me succeed there and provide me with lifelong friendships and contacts. University of *** has a great reputation in Academia and Research making it one of the highest ranked state colleges in the US. Two of the many reasons ***** is a great option for me is because of how close and convenient the campus is to my home and the diversity of the student body. If I were to ride the Metrobus, it would take no longer than five minutes for me to arrive at the main campus, so it is a great benefit that I will not be wasting 3 hours a day in travel time to school.</p>
<p>In 2003 my parents divorced and my dad left my mother here in the U.S. alone with no family and five young children to raise without any help. My mother never had any college education, and was working as a substitute teacher in the ***** **** County Public School System before the divorce. In order to keep food on the table and a roof over our heads after the divorce my mom worked three jobs. She worked three jobs for a long time, and with the help and support of family back home and great friends here she was able to make it. I remember some days when she would work fifteen to sixteen hours a day starting as early as five in the morning before the sun has yet to come up, however she still managed to make sure we were awake for school, had breakfast and got to school safe. As soon as my brother and I turned sixteen we immediately got jobs so we can help my mom with the bills so she wouldnt have to work so many hours a day. As a teenager I believed that the path for me to take to ensure my mothers comfort was to quit school and go to work full-time so she doesnt have to work three jobs. I see now that the only way for me to let my mom relax after all her years of hard work providing for my siblings and I is through getting a college degree and securing myself a stable career. </p>
<p>My mother is my mentor and my best friend and she instilled in all us her work ethic and her great heart, with these and other personal virtues my mother instilled in me I plan on graduating from your university in two years with honors so that I can start establishing my career and allow my mom the chance to relax after all these years.
<p>In my opinion, your essay lacks focus. You spend the majority of your essay talking about your mother, but your connection to the topic of the essay listed is, I feel, very weak. Telling your university that you plan to graduate from their school with honors in two years comes off as arrogant as well....There is no need to tell the people reading your app. that their school has a great reputation, if it in fact does im sure that they know it very well...sloppy in spots...i dont know how competitive the school that you are applying to is, it would probably help to know, but you'll probably want to spend some more time on this</p>
<p>what school are you applying to? i know people are often furtive about this kind of stuff, but knowing the level of competition for the school is probably relevant here</p>
<p>
[quote]
I have been attending *********** Community College for the past two years and I now desire to continue my education in the field of Computer Science at your school. I hope to be able to transfer to **<strong><em>of *</em></strong> because of a lot of reasons that I believe will help me succeed there and provide me with lifelong friendships and contacts. Two of the many reasons ***** is a great option for me is because of how close and convenient the campus is to my home and the diversity of the student body. If I were to ride the Metro bus, it would take no longer than five minutes for me to arrive at the main campus, so it is a great benefit that I will not be wasting 3 hours a day in travel time to school.</p>
<p>In 2003 my parents divorced and my dad left my mother here in the U.S. alone with no family and five young children to raise without any help. My mother never had any college education, and was working as a substitute teacher in the ***** **** County Public School System before the divorce. In order to keep food on the table and a roof over our heads after the divorce my mom worked three jobs for a long time, some days fifteen to sixteen hours a day, however she still managed to make sure we were awake for school, had breakfast and got to school safe. As soon as my brother and I turned sixteen we immediately got jobs so we can help my mom with the bills so she wouldn’t have to work so many hours a day. As a teenager I believed that the path for me to take to ensure my mother’s comfort was to quit school and go to work full-time so she doesn’t have to work three jobs. I see now that the only way for me to let my mom relax after all her years of hard work providing for my siblings and I is through getting a college degree and securing myself a stable career. I grew up with these with these principles as my guide and they help me every day to push myself in everything I do.</p>
<p>My mother is my mentor and my best friend and she instilled in all us her work ethic and her great heart, with these and other personal virtues my mother instilled in me I plan on graduating from your university with a Bachelors in Computer Science so that I can start establishing my career and allow my mom the chance to relax after all these years.
<p>the school is a very tough school to get into as a freshan (average freshman this year had a 3.9 gpa) but as a transfer its not so hard. a friend of mine transfered in with a 2.6 gpa from the same CC as I. My advisor said my gpa should get me in. we'll see.</p>
<p>anybody have any recommendations to add/cut out in the essay?</p>
<p>i still don't really see how the second paragraph is very relevant...im still curious as to what the school is, if you want information from us you need not be so furtive...i don't know if youve really expressed adequate enthusiasm in the school that you are applying to, beyond that you can take the metrobus there...it kind of looks rushed, lots of the language is weak</p>
<p>I think you need to change your essay a little. You should focus more on how this college is good and your intellectual hunger because...honestly, reading your essay, you sound like a stats hunter.</p>
<p>It seems like your primary reason for why you want to go in is because
1) Its ranked highly
2) Its near and convenient
3) You want a degree so that you can get a job and provide for your mom</p>
<p>Even if all these are true, you should try to sound less mercenary. For example, talk more about the diversity of the campus and how enriching that is, and play down on the fact that you live near. Maybe something like "the proximity to my home would allow me to engage with the vibrant school culture" and so on.</p>
<p>I do think that you need to summarise the 2nd paragraph. The last paragraph is good but do try to change the last sentence, since last impressions are lasting impressions.</p>