Homesick- I don't know if I can stay at this school

Student Lounge College Life
1

I’m kind of having a tough time. :frowning: I’m a freshman at a small, private catholic university in New England and while I love the school itself and I have great friends here, I’m struggling a lot with feeling homesick and anxious. School is about a 2 1/2 - 3 hour drive from home.

I’m an only child and had super bad separation anxiety as a child, even if it was just to go to 1st grade. I struggled with sleepovers until sophomore year of high school and hated travel trips without my parents (still do, actually). I have diagnosed anxiety + mild hypochondria, and I’ve seen a ton of therapists. It’s not that I miss my physical home or hometown, I just miss my parents. They actually rented an apartment in my school city from the beginning of the school year through last week so that I could get adjusted as best as possible. They’re great and I’m really grateful they did that for me. No one really thought I would be able to stay at this school and I so wanted to prove them wrong.

But they went home last week and I’m already struggling. I’ve really established myself here- made Dean’s list, I’m in the honors program, a few other clubs/leadership positions, and I’m even a Student Orientation Leader for freshmen this summer. I have a science research job in July when I get home with a professor I had here who will be researching at a university in my home state during the summer. I have a retail job at one of my favorite stores here. My boyfriend goes to a nearby university and is not from my home state. Everything that I love is here except for my parents.

I am so scared that I won’t be able to stay here, I love it so much but I just feel so uncomfortable and on edge. I don’t cry but I get very anxious and feel physically ill at times (stomach upsets, tight throat, headache, hot flashes, etc.) I know it’s my anxiety, but even knowing so, it’s still hard to outsmart it. Feeling like that physically is really horrible and makes me even more anxious because I worry about getting ill away from home.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to not be able to come back next year because of everything I’ve been able to do here, but to me 3 hours just seems so far. I feel even more stuck because we can’t have cars on campus so it’s not like I can take a weekend trip home without paying an arm and a leg for a train ticket. The only thing that would make me feel better is seeing my parents but I know I can’t.

I haven’t said anything to them because I’m so scared of letting them down or upsetting them, they were so happy about how well I was doing here but I just don’t have the guts. I only felt so comfortable being here because they were close enough to me if need ever be. I know it’s obviously an issue that I’m nineteen and still afraid to be away from my parents but I am. :frowning: I know I should probably go to the counseling center but I don’t have much time during the day and for some reason I’m a little afraid to.

I would really appreciate any advice, thanks in advance :slight_smile:

2

I’m so sorry you’re having a difficult time. You need to know that, although you have a history of anxiety, many, many students feel just like you. Its a difficult transition for most and you seem to be dealing with it on a incident by incident basis. I’m sure you have availed yourself of the services at the college? Maybe you need to see your doctor again and have your meds adjusted. You are 4/5 of the way through your first year…YOU CAN DO THIS !! One day, one step at a time. Did you just have spring break? You would have gone home for that week right? Most of the colleges are done in another 6 weeks, hold on. Stay strong. Once you have a year under your belt, it’ll get easier.

3

Go to the counseling center. Please. Don’t be embarrassed; don’t be afraid; find the time. And talk to your parents. My daughter had a really hard time with insomnia her sophomore year, and we were all the way across the country, but I was happy to talk to her on the phone until the early morning hours or just talk until she could fall asleep when we figured out that it helped to hear my (or her mom’s) voice. What @NEPatsGirl said: you can do this. But don’t be afraid to ask for help.

4

My heart goes out to you @jrp0427. Can you FaceTime them? Would that help you?
Do not be ashamed in feeling this way, and also know lots and lots of people, not just students, feel as you do.

Also, sometimes just knowing you aren’t stuck or trapped in the situation can be helpful. Even though the cost seems like a lot to take a train home, is that an option for you? Maybe if you did that, once you got on the train, got home, spent the evening with them, you’d see that everything is ok, and you might not feel so anxious the next time around.

5

I am the mom of an only child who will be going away next year. If my daughter ever felt the way you did, I would want to know. I would feel really bad if she was trying so hard to be brave that she didn’t tell me. I know you want to show you are an adult and can handle it, but the truth is, going away to college is a major transition, and everyone is on their own time schedule of adjustment. You express yourself and your situation very well in writing, and it makes perfect sense, why don’t you start there. Take what you have written and share it with your parents. I also agree the college counselors have been through this before. Call and make an appointment to talk to them. That is what they are there for. They can help and come up with a plan. And if for some reason your first appointment doesn’t give you what you need, talk to another person.

6

@NEPatsGirl nice username!! haha :slight_smile: and I actually haven’t visited counseling services at all yet, so I probably should. im not on meds (I tried them briefly soph year of HS and hated them a bunch) but i could always reach out to my old therapist from home probably!! im done in early may but I have to stay for orientation for almost a month and a half :confused: thank you for the kind words!!

7

@AboutTheSame thank you! I think I’m going to make an appointment with counseling services tomorrow morning. I guess I’m just so scared for my parents to think I’m not doing well anymore, because if they think that they tend to freak out (like, panic). not purposely, but it happens and makes me feel worse (i think it might be like a “oh no, not this again”, but I could be wrong). I might talk to my mom about it when they come visit next weekend though!

8

@mimi2018 thank you, i really appreciate that. i think you hit the nail on the head- I’m definitely feeling very trapped without a car here, i can’t get home let alone really leave campus with ease, which makes me feel worse!
I FaceTimed them two nights ago and we text here and there during the day just about random things, I’m just trying not to FaceTime too much as I’m scared it might make me feel worse!

thank you again!

9

@19parent thank you so much, I really appreciate that! and it’s helpful to know that you’d want to know if your daughter felt the same way. I really just don’t want to disappoint them or make them think I’m not doing so well again, I guess :frowning: they moved their whole lives for 8 months to try and help me set up for success here so I feel like I just can’t tell them how I’m feeling about it yet. but i really think I’m going to set up a counseling services appointment tomorrow!

10

@jrp0427- I’m the mom of an only child too, and I agree with @19parent that your parents would want to know how you’re feeling right now.

That feeling of being “stuck” can be almost paralyzing sometimes, don’t you think? It’s that “oh my god, I just can’t take this anymore” feeling. It passes, though, it really does. Do you exercise at all? That always helps, getting out in the fresh air and getting your heart rate up.

11

I mean this in a kind way, but I think, maybe, your parents have been there for you a little too much. You miss your parents. That is normal. They can’t live in an apartment in your town forever though. I definitely think you should tell them how you feel, but I think that you should reassure them that you CAN do this. You only have a short period of time before the school year ends. It’s only a few weeks until you go home. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps. Be proud that you have transitioned to college successfully.

You are probably worried about what your parents will think if you tell them how you feel. Well, they will feel glad that you told them. They will feel proud that you are going to stick out the rest of the semester on your own. They will be thrilled that you have made friends, like your school, and are doing well. You should reassure them that you will be okay next school year. You will be, if you put your mind to it.

Think about why they got an apartment in your town. Think about why they went back now. They have faith in you, and are confident enough in seeing you mature, that they are ok with you finishing out the year without them there. They know you need some independence. They are not going anywhere, and will always be there for you, even if they aren’t physically right next to you. Being away at college does not diminish your relationship with your parents. Sure, be homesick and talk to them a lot, etc… But be mature too. Show them you can do it. Ultimately, all every parent wants is to see their child become a happy adult. That’s how a parent will know they have done a good job. Tell them your fears, and let them know they’ve done a good job, and that you will be fine. Good luck.

12

Perhaps there is another option for a keeping a car nearby campus? Sometimes, just knowing it is available may bring some comfort to you.

13

Tell your parents. Have them come visit you on the weekends. Don’t think of them as far away. You could talk to them after school and they could be at your place if you needed before you even thought of going to bed. Skype or FaceTime every day. You only have a few weeks left. If you need them to come, don’t worry about it.

14

I am going to put a positive spin on homesickness…you feel it because you are loved and because you love back. Being homesick is a type of grief. You are grieving your childhood relationship while struggling to face the unavoidable reality that you are growing up and it is time to gradually take on adult responsibilities. While it hurts, it is a sign of a special bond with your parents that you wouldn’t trade if it meant not feeling anything. Others around you are also dealing with this transition, though they hide it or it just isn’t experienced as strongly. Your separation stress might be delayed because your parents took steps to be close by until recently.

Fighting the feelings or telling yourself they are wrong won’t help. Embracing them and seeing them for what they are might. Like someone above posted, your parents left town because they think you are ready. That doesn’t mean it will be painless. Be honest about how you feel with them, they can handle it, they love you.

One other thing about homesickness…it isn’t discrete and once you are done with it you are done forever. Rather, dealing with homesickness is a process. Sometimes you won’t feel it at all, and other times it may come back to haunt you. (I am a 57 year old woman who lives thirty hours of travel away from my mother and home state, sometimes I still get homesick.)

Use modern technology to keep in touch with your parents as you need it, not as you perceive others prescribe as right or wrong.

You have made it through most of the school year. You CAN do this.

15

Ah, you poor thing.

I agree-- I’m not sure that your parents did you a huge favor.

Back in September, lots of kids were feeling homesick, but you still had the security blanket of mom and dad around the corner. Now the others have all settled in, and all of a sudden that bandaid has been ripped off you.

Hang in there. You’ll manage, just as all those other kids did in September. Growth isn’t always easy, but it’s important to experience.

16

Lots of good advice all encouraging you to stay the course with school. The worst thing you can do for an anxiety disorder is indulge it. Were you to go home, that is where you will stay. Overcome it now and your world opens. Going to therapy, being pro-active, acknowledging issues is not regress but progress. Those are adult things to do to take care of yourself. Hang in there and do whatever it takes to stay on course.

17

Another thing…three hours is no time at all. By the time you wake up, get dressed, eat breakfast, brush your teeth, and finish your first class, nearly three hours has passed. I woke up an hour and a half ago. Seems like ten minutes, lol! It’s really not much time.

You should also think about how your experience can provide a much-needed perspective for freshmen who might be a little anxious about going away to college. By all accounts, you are having a great experience. However you are homesick, which is 100% normal and common. You can be a great example for so many new freshman who are feeling uncertain about what this transition is going to be like. You can let them know they can and will get through it. Please read this: http://talk.qa.collegeconfidential.com/college-life/2016222-to-those-who-feel-lonely-homesick-friendless-think-they-chose-the-wrong-school-etc-p1.html

Finally, how are you going to feel about yourself if you quit? Is that what you want? You are at a wonderful college (at least, I suspect you are) and will have opportunities there that you are not likely to get if you move back home. Living at home when all your friends are at college is not all it’s cracked up to be. I say with near certainty that moving back home and attending college as a commuter is not going to make you happy. Giving up on your dreams and goals is not going to make anyone happy.

Your parents have been very gently pulling back the security blanket. It’s time for you to leave the blanket at home, where it belongs. It’s always going to be there if you need it. Your parents are always going to be in your life. Think about how many breaks your calendar has. There are so many opportunities to visit. And please think about your parents. The thing that will make them happiest of all, more happy than seeing you, is knowing that you are becoming an independent, happy adult.

Please go to the counseling center, because this is exactly why they are there. They can help you. There’s no shame in it. My own child went to the counseling center as a freshman, and they helped her. They can help you too.

18

It sounds like you’re doing fine. Your grades aren’t suffering and you have friends. Keep going, this is healthy for you. As life goes on, you’re only going to become more independent, especially when you start a family.

19

@Lindagaf You’re right, I really need to start thinking about it like that- for some reason, 3 hours seems so long to me and makes me feel panicky because I feel like if I needed something it’d take my parents quite a while to get here factoring in traffic and all. I’ll read what you linked, thanks!

I definitely wouldn’t see commuting to a school as an option, I’d probably just transfer to a different school closer to home (>1 hour), because there’s a ton of great schools around me (Fordham, Fairfield, Marist, NYU, etc). Ideally I can hopefully just stick it out here though!

20

And then you have to start from scratch with making friends and settling in. Will all credits tranfer? Will another school be more expensive? Will your parents pay the extra money? Do you think they would like you to stay at your school? For the sake of being an hour or two closer to home, given that you have a lot of breaks, is it worth it? Lots of questions you should be looking into before making decisions. If you are planning to transfer for next fall, it is probably too late for most of the schools you mentioned. Starting as a spring transfer is really hard. Think with your head and not your heart.