<p>This seems to be a big problem at Andover, Deerfield, and probably other schools. A lot of the culture is sexist in nature with expectations that this is a normal way of interacting and a good substitute for real dating and friendships. Boys seems to expect it and think it is a normal way to interact. Has anybody else been hearing this to a large degree and how universal is it?</p>
<p>Moreover, the term “hooking up” seems to have so many connotations, from the casual kissing to “all the way”. I have trouble with a term that has such a range of behavior as it makes it hard to determine the extent of the issue…</p>
<p>I think it’s the culture for high school kids now. It’s not a BS issue any more than it’s a teenage kid issue. You hope that your DD/DS has good moral values and doesn’t engage in it. I do like the smaller bs environment. I think the kids get to know each other better and become real friends because there are fewer of them. I know that there is still “hooking up” going on but I’m also hoping that my dd learns to talk to boys and be friends with them. My fingers are crossed anyway!</p>
<p>You should rename this thread “The Parental Cringe Thread”</p>
<p>To be honest, I don’t think hooking up is a big problem provided as london said, it’s not “all the way” and kids know their stuff. What probably bothers parents the most is the idea of their son/daughter making out or doing other stuff with no romantic connection. If it’s just kissing and second base (everyone familar with the base term?) then there’s almost no risk. It’s pretty obvious if someone has an STD on their mouth and as long as kids are aware of that, no one’s going to get hurt. I’m also assuming hooking up is consensual.</p>
<p>It should be noted that the majority of high school “hook ups” are under the influence (drugs/alcohol). It’s rather difficult, not impossible, to get drugs/alcohol as a boarding student because of the structure. Boarding school probably has a lesser chance of hook ups simply because 1.) people are busy and 2.) alcohol/drugs are harder to come by.</p>
<p>I have a 9th Grade DS at a HADES and I am deathly afraid. He’s extremely popular and well liked. I often check his FB and see chatter, but nothing over the top… CALGON TAKE ME AWAY!!!</p>
<p>@ace,
Does anyone under 40 here know what “Calgon take me away” means? ;)</p>
<p>@GMT, I’m sure they will after Googling it! :-)</p>
<p>@AceNtheHole, I think the difference with daughters and sons, is boys are more likely to initiate sexual contact. Whereas girls are more likely to be on the receiving end. He’s not going to post anything on FB since the people he’s likely to do anything with, lives within .25 miles. Did you talk to him before sending him off?</p>
<p>Also be aware that most teens (me included) know how to exlude specific people from seeing a post/picture, so if there was anything on this topic or showing drug/alcohol use you may well not see it.</p>
<p>@Px I talk to him OFTEN about this. I ask him for updates on dating, and any other issues with the opposite sex. @UKgirl I am checking his FB account. I have the password. I don’t think he remembers that I have it…</p>
<p>Ah I have mixed feelings about this. I’m really glad you talk to him often, but it seems like an evasion of privacy to log on his Facebook xD</p>
<p>@PxAlaska, I think you are mistaken about “the majority of high school hookups are under the influence.” Don’t forget older student pressure, teasing by friends, and expectations after a nice christmas gift, big dance, or valentine’s day.<br>
Also, accessibility to drugs and alcohol is easy when there are day students (and few schools are 100% boarding), otherwise there would be no need for one strike schools or honor codes that include reference to drugs, alcohol and prescription medicine.</p>
<p>Correct. In my head under the influence is all of those things but I did not specify.</p>
<p>I agree with Alaska, as long as it isn’t “all the way,” I see nothing wrong with it. High school is also learning how to interact with others, I sometimes think that parents forget this.</p>
<p>“interact” does not = “hook up.” And there is often a disparity between boy-initiated and girl-initiated physicality. </p>
<p>GG recently attended a dance at a boys’ school… at the behest of a friend, who didn’t want to go solo (her girls’ school sent a bus). She said that she declined several offers to dance, because the “dancing” consisted primarily of boys behind girls, “grinding.” She added that the offers she declined were from the “polite” boys, because many, if not most, of the boys at the dance were simply coming up to girls and initiating the grinding, er, dancing…without first even asking “would you like to dance?”—and that at any rate, such an invitation to dance was NOT what we middle-aged farts think of when we think of young people dancing (jumping up and down, waving arms, swaying, etc.)—“grinding” seems to be the dance step of the moment…</p>
<p>She added that no attempt was made to stop the behavior, vs her girls school’s “grind patrol” at dances. </p>
<p>Now, obviously, such behavior IS “interaction,” but it is also not necessarily invited. Are you, Alaska and you, alejandro, suggesting that this type of “hooking up” is okay? Isn’t it still an invasion of another’s personal space? GG declined invitations to dance, and in one instance “rescued” her friend from an aggressive “dance” partner—who was pretty p.o.'d at her for doing so. I figure it’s good practice for frat parties later in life, but still, not what I would consider the best form of social interaction in BS or out.</p>
<p>Parents most certainly do not forget that high school is learning how to interact with others. Most of us send our kids off to BS hoping they will grow in independence and self-advocacy. And I certainly agree with Alaska that if the physical relationship is truly consensual, there is not an issue if the parties are also playing safely, i.e. taking whatever precautions are appropriate to the level of physical intimacy, though I am not so sure many teens are ready for the emotional consequences of physical intimacy, even if they think it’s “only” physical. Protestations to the contrary, hs students are not merely great raging masses of hormones.</p>
<p>Very well said mom. I do not consider it hooking up as hooking up is a specific term for specific forms of intimacy. But as you’ve pointed out in my argument, if it’s consensual and safe, it’s okay. By the sounds of it, your daughter and her friends were not consensual in the intimacy. That automatically makes it wrong and something should have been done. </p>
<p>The hardest part about physical intimacy is sadly, the emotional aspect. Lots of older teenagers (at least, when I was younger) told me “sex is fun!” and that was about it. They made it sound like playing video games; something fun and non emotional despite knowing it would require one’s physical self to be revealed completely. I think it is best to let kids explore on their own in terms of intimacy, but make it clear to both genders:
No means no.
“I don’t feel like it” = No
“I’m not ready” = No
“Maybe next time” = No
“I don’t want to get in trouble” = No
“I’m uncomfortable.” = No
“Can I keep my clothes on?” = No
“I’m scared” = No</p>
<p>If kids know themselves and how to communicate with their partner, then exploring should not be a problem. Of course, it’s not always like that. Sometimes people (both genders are guilty) think they have consent and will go ahead, completely absorbed in themselves. They will forget intimacy is meant for two to share. </p>
<p>I’m a girl and when I had my first kiss, I didn’t even think about what he thought. I was just trying to feel like the movies and look like Scarlet Johansen. A few years later he told me that he wasn’t ready to kiss me and felt violated. I’m just as guilty as any boys are and it’s because of a lot of factors:
-peer pressure
-media expectations
-assumed consensual</p>
<p>I was 13 at the time and I wouldn’t have sex education until the next year (14). Which is why I always tell parents to give the sex talk early. Even if it’s just little things like kissing. Believe it or not, I caught my very very elementary school sister exploring herself. She also told me she saw two girls kissing one day (on the lips). It’s becoming more common and the best things parents can do is educate</p>
<p>Ahhhh, “grinding”</p>
<p>My son has been to a few dances at your d’s school. You might want to verify about that patrol! 
He was invited with a friend once and when I asked his pal how the dance was, he said, "Oh my god, I feel like I’ve lost my virginity!’ And we all had a good laugh. I don’t think the pal was quite prepared for boarding school style dances.</p>
<p>Hm. <em>note to self- do not attend school dances</em></p>
<p>Hah! Neato, oh, yes, we know the grinding happens, “grinding patrol” notwithstanding 
…I think the bigger issue was that at the boys’ school, there was virtually NO supervision. And Alaska, I agree with everything you’ve said. I recall fondly my many car conversations with GG over the years, about various aspects of sex and intimacy. GG seems to know what she is, and isn’t, ready for. And that’s the larger issue for any kid, really.</p>
<p>But I’ll join you at the punchbowl or along the wallflower line, any dance :D</p>