hook up culture in boarding school

<p>Just because I haven’t been to many of the dances doesn’t mean I don’t know what is going on. I thought that maybe a post from someone who has been in one of these boarding schools would be helpful, compared to basically speculation.</p>

<p>@BSPreppie THANK YOU! I could not have written it better myself.</p>

<p>Sorry for butting in, I’m a kid. I just wanted to share my perspective on this. Please feel free to ignore it if you wish.
When I was first looking into schools I was very concerned about the scandals and “hook up culture” that seemed to plague these schools. I began to realize that they weren’t perfect utopias, but what really bothered me was how they pretended to be ones. What’s mentioned in the article occurs in most, if not all, high schools, and for me it was reassuring that Andover was recognizing this problem. I think the sheer fact that the school seems to be having an open discussion is comforting. Many places like my school try to hide the school’s dark side and basically censor the newspaper for “inappropriate” things. What’s really amazing to me is the level of freedom given to students publishing in the Phillipian. Something like this would never get published in my school.
Again, I’m just an applicant so feel free to ignore this.</p>

<p>^ I agree completely. Every school has issues, whether you hear about them or not. But more important that hearing about the issues is hearing about what the school is actually doing to change. Next year I’m going to a school very well know for past issues with drinking, drugs, rowdy students in the city, sexualising girls (a minority within the school) and hook ups. The last two headmasters have changed things a lot, and instead of trying to cover up the issues and get everyone to forget them, they are very open with their new policies and visions.</p>

<p>I also think the Phillipian is particularly good being student run, which gives you a much better idea of what it’s actually like being there.</p>

<p>Agree that the Phillipian is doing a service to all. Its coverage of the “Secrets” story also reveals a school that is thoughtful and trying to do right by its students, whether you agree or not with the actual administrative decisions.</p>

<p>I think for parents, one important distinction to be made lies within the rules governing the student body. When deciding whether to apply or to matriculate, read the “student handbook”, usually available online. The pertinent distinction regarding this issue is the one about whether intercourse and/or oral sex is prohibited, or tolerated. Each school will directly or indirectly set expectations in this area. Ultimately, individual students will make their own choices, within the rules or by breaking them. In my experience, teenagers follow the spirit of the times, generally, but the majority on a BS campus are swayed by the expectations set for them. So hooking up will happen in every school community, both public and private, but to a greater or lesser extent, because adult influence can still make a difference. *** School rules are there to support the kids who choose to obey them (and the behavior is usually self-reinforcing), not just to punish those who disobey.</p>

<p>Okay, I haven’t read the much of this thread, but I have to ask- why do you all think ‘hooking up’ is such a bad thing, as long as it’s safe? Just because someone like casual <em>insert however far we’re talking about</em> doesn’t mean they’re not capable of romantic relationships.</p>

<p>I think we as students cannot understand why parents would see it as a bad thing, but think about it, what parent would like their child to start doing things that make them grow up</p>

<p>Oh and agreatperhaps, is your name a Looking for Alaska reference?
If it is, it’s awesome!</p>

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<p>See that’s the problem. Lots of us don’t see hooking up as acting grown up–because the grown-ups we know try their best to have connected, loving intimate relationships that are not just about sex. Sure, dating is part of growing up as is forming close friendship with other guys and girls. Falling in love and having your first sexual relationship–definitely part of growning up. But hooking up? IMO, it’s the antithesis of mature. </p>

<p>And yeah, I know there are adults who do it. There are lots of adults out there who have never grown up. And “casual, insert it however far” and “romantic relationship” just don’t belong in the same sentence. Ish. (Hey! I see you there, rolling your eyes! Remember, you posted on the parents thread :)</p>

<p>@classicalmama- I think the fact that you think all adults who hook up are immature is an immature way of thinking</p>

<p>Now’s the time when I say, “Hmmm, maybe so,” and go back to stirring the minestrone while the teenager storms dramatically out of the room. Until dinner’s ready.</p>

<p>I’m thinking that saying “hook-ups” among adults is immature is a value statement, not an absolute. For better or worse, the world is complex and I have many MANY friends who crave a romantic relationship but it’s not been in the cards. Or those who don’t desire a committment.</p>

<p>Who are we to say that’s immature?</p>

<p>Among students - my concern is that the introduction of intimacy initiates a cascade of other emotions and that expectations among participants may not be equal.</p>

<p>Still - despite their age, not all students are as “immature” as we like to believe. I find those that are the most problematic are those who didn’t start with a nurturing, open, relationship at home that allowed them adequate education and space to “talk things out.” That’s where the trouble started - not necessarily with the hookup at Boarding School where some (not all but some) are getting their first real taste of affection.</p>

<p>I think a definition of terms might be needed here. What Exie is describing is different from “insert however far” which–yup, I’ll make a value statement–doesn’t seem to me to be mature, whether done by adult or child, and certainly doesn’t seem romantic. I wouldn’t describe dating that gets physical quickly by mutual consent as hooking up, though I agree that line between them is not always clear. </p>

<p>For example, at my college, students describe hooking up as random and unplanned sexual encounters with a variety of partners over a very short period of time (i.e. a month). Alcohol or drugs are almost always in the mix, so judgment is impaired. The counselors at my school spend a lot of time trying to talk kids out of that stuff and into healthier relationships, so I think my value judgment isn’t all about me and my narrow outlook. </p>

<p>Hook-ups–at least the way they happen at my school and the way my bs kid has described them are not a good way to get a first taste of affection. Emotional connection is pretty much what they are NOT about. At any rate I agree with all of Exie’s post and find the last paragraph to be particularly true. I think we’re talking apples and oranges here.</p>

<p>Okay, I get it - I retract my statement - as defined in post #73 - totally agree - those type of hookups are pretty reflective of the higher order thinking (or lack of impulse control) that I see around my area too. And yep, yep - my DH and I do tag those adults as immature when we observe the “mating rituals and preambles” in public. </p>

<p>When “those” hookups occur on boarding school campuses the other students pretty much know who is doing what and the former aren’t generally held in high regard. Nor does there seem to be any desire among my D’s friend base to join the bandwagon (knock on wood – double knock on wood). :)</p>

<p>Quote:
“I think we as students cannot understand why parents would see it as a bad thing, but think about it, what parent would like their child to start doing things that make them grow up.”</p>

<p>Nope…wouldn’t have let my child go to BS if I felt that way.</p>

<p>Quote:
“For example, at my college, students describe hooking up as random and unplanned sexual encounters with a variety of partners over a very short period of time (i.e. a month).”</p>

<p>Using this definition (which seems accurate to me), my problem with hooking up is STDs. How easy it is to have a discussion about STDs and safe sex with someone you don’t have a relationship with?</p>

<p>Sorry about the quote thing…how in the world do you guys do that?</p>

<p>sonoratoo,

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<p>Remove the space between “quote” and the surrounding brackets, and produce:</p>

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<p>Kids might consider casual sex to be grown up, but grown-ups don’t.</p>

<p>Neato, I would click on your green square if you had one!</p>

<p>To return to the OP,

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<p>There’s a big difference between expecting and receiving. So much of this depends upon the individual, and his/her decisions. I recommend talking with children before sending them to boarding school. As I think I said earlier in the thread, I am more concerned about self-image and broken hearts, because I think the kids most likely to “hook up” are those who desperately want the approval of the opposite sex. (Boys and girls.)</p>

<p>Our modern culture is sexist. Look at any entertainment produced for a wide audience. Popular music, movies, jokes, advertisements, etc. Look at the Superbowl half-time show this year. (Or don’t. :))</p>

<p>Boarding school is high school. The boarders at boarding school have stricter controls on their behavior than students at day schools or public schools. It is possible to find trouble if you look for it, in all settings. On the other hand, every school has sensible kids who make friends, hang out with those friends, and manage to avoid hooking up.</p>

<p>Talk with your kids. The points I emphasized with my children were:

  1. you can say no.<br>
  2. other people can say no.
  3. respect others.<br>
  4. respect yourself.
  5. identify older students and adults you can turn to for support and help.
  6. this is a very short segment of your life. Everything will look different when you’re older.</p>

<p>I will add that we discuss any disciplinary cases we hear about with our children. That is, cases not only at their schools, but at friends’ schools. We do ask at times, “what do you think should so-and-so have done/not done?” Not trying to judge, but trying to give our children guidance on how to handle difficult situations.</p>

<p>All of this calms down as kids get older. Or, they get too stressed out by academic stuff to worry about the social stuff.</p>

<p>Another concern is the fact that many of these schools are small (350ish kids). Does ANY kid (or adult) want everyone knowing their business? Reputations are made (and ruined) very quickly in a small group. I, for one, don’t want my kid to have everyone’s opinion of her colored by allegations of “easiness”. I prefer they know her for being smart, funny, kind, etc.</p>

<p>I just noticed that I should probably clarify that I meant “grow up” as in sexually mature, not emotionally or mentally. And neatoburrito kids do not consider it grown-up, they just feel more mature, and in my post I never said that I agreed with that. So, even though some people are saying that if they felt thtat way they wouldn’t send their kids to boarding school, but I in fact know people who agree with my statement, and since I never said it applies to everyone, my statement is valid.</p>