<p>“Life is what happens while you are making other plans.” I can’t recall who said this.</p>
<p>I know it is impossible to understand at your age how much opportunity you still have in front of you, but really, I promise this will not be your last disappointment, nor will it be your last opportunity to rise to the occaison. Whatever happened in the past, good or bad, is immaterial. As the taoists say, “Fall down 1,000 times, get back up 1001.” Believe it or not, you can have an awful lot of fun this way if you don’t take yourself so seriously.</p>
<p>There is that intellectual discourse that you are looking for but you are going to have to spend the energy to look for it. That is not to say that the quality of the experience could not have been better elsewhere; it might have. It is to say that you need to make your current experience positive, on your own efforts.</p>
<p>Have you gotten to know a TA? Perhaps a professor or two? Show up at office hours, and start a conversation. Find a research project, if you can, and climb aboard as an assistant that’s unpaid in your field. Sure, you’ll do a lot of fact checking but you might also meet the people whose company you’re craving. In some schools, an undergrad can take graduate level work by petition. Have you thought about that option, at least in your major?</p>
<p>stuckinthepast - you need to get to counseling and get your head on straight.<br>
You sound like a spoiled brat. I am not buying the excuse that your grades are subpar because you are not <em>challenged</em>. That is lame. There are plenty of kids at your State U who are thrilled just to be in college. They are happy for the opportunity and succeeding. </p>
<p>To go through life blaming your parents for not sending you to the <em>best</em> school is not a recipe for success. Attitude is everything - it’s time to turn this big fail around.</p>
<p>I think Stuckinthepast would be surprised to find that even in elite schools, kids are checking email/Facebook during classes or daydreaming while the prof lectures. Kids everywhere show up for class unprepared/hungover, etc.</p>
<p>I remember when a friend wasn’t allowed to go Stanford (over money), so she went to the local UC which she despised. She dropped out after 2 quarters. Later she went to a CC and then went to Berkeley. She did graduate, but she had to admit that the kids weren’t any better at UCBerkeley then they were at the local UC that she had earlier commuted to.</p>
<p>My point is that you may be living in regret about something that might have only been a little bit better than what you presently have. I don’t know what your major is, but if it’s a challenging one, then there will be smart kids in those classes, too.</p>
<p>My kids go to their state flagship. Yes, there are some easy majors on campus that some kids who may not be as bright are doing. However, in the more challenging majors (engineering, math, other hard sciences, etc), there are many, many very smart kids who could have gone to ivies or other elites. Indeed, some turned down the elites over money issues, but they made the best of what was offered.</p>
<p>If you do your best from now on, perhaps even taking some additional classes over the summer, you can boost your GPA. At this point, the grades you get in your upper division major are going to be the most important anyway.</p>
<p>You might try talking with one of the professors in your major about this. They’d probably be thrilled to have a student come into office hours to chat about actual topics of interest and not just grades. </p>
<p>The good prof’s usually are happy to chat with students about college life and the big picture and not just the class material. Sometimes if you show a spark (even if the grades aren’t quite there) the teachers are happy to help you find some other aspect of the college experience - maybe doing some research for them, or TA’ing in your senior year in a lower level class (often for credit), or helping out in a summer program. </p>
<p>There might be a really wonderful summer experience out there waiting for you, too. For example, google The University of Michigan Biological Station … there are some writing classes there, in addition to the bio stuff, and I’m sure there are many other amazing programs for English/History gearing up all over the country and the world. Your prof’s can point you towards interesting, vital, quirky classes and programs. </p>
<p>Give it a try - you are kind of in that wonderful/awful situation where since it’s not quite working for you now, you can experiment without fear of losing much more. You might as well try something radically different like blustering through your shyness to try chatting with some of the professors in your department. They may also be able to point you towards some wonderful classes for next year you would never have heard of or considered.</p>
<p>Isn’t there a Chinese symbol for disaster that also means opportunity? Time to gather your Phoenix feather cloak and get ready to rise from the flames!</p>
<p>Your parents betrayed you, bigtime, by not talking to you about finances earlier, not helping guide you someplace where you could get a good education for a reasonable price. I’d be bitter too.</p>
<p>I agree. We see this same scenario on CC many times. Parents refusing to talk about finances, letting their kids apply to wherever, letting them believe that they’re going to get to go to one of these places, and then the parents dropping the big bomb in the spring…leaving total devastation (and embarrassment because these kids have been telling everyone that they’re going to XXXXX or YYYYY.). </p>
<p>It’s especially sad when the students had the stats to grab some big merit from some other schools…such as one with an honors program where classes are smaller and smart kids can be with other smart kids. </p>
<p>For the OP’s parents to say that finances are “a private matter” in the fall, but then revealing the “private matter” in the spring is just plain stupid and a big lie. Yes… a big lie!! There is nothing that she was told in the spring that couldn’t have been told to her in the fall. I really don’t think she can “move on” until her parents “man up” and take responsibility for what THEY did (or didn’t do.). An apology from them would go a long way with her healing. IF her parents never realize that, then that’s too bad. </p>
<p>Stuckinthepast…your parents need to “own” what they did. They need to apologize for not being more involved with the college process so that they would have been able to understand why you needed to know the financial situation then. They need to explain what they were thinking during the fall of senior year. They may have naively thought that your top colleges don’t give merit, so when no merit materialized, they had to say, “no.” Of course, if they had been involved with the college process, they would have known that, and they would have encouraged you to also apply to some merit schools, some which have good honors programs. </p>
<p>Stuckinthepast…I’ll give you an apology for your parents. “I’m sorry that your parents were not upfront with you from the beginning. If they had been, you would have known to seek other choices. You were wronged, but please don’t let it destroy your life. Make lemonade out of lemons.” )</p>
<p>Life over at twenty. I *can *relate. I remember feeling like if I wasn’t engaged by the end of college I’d never get married. That’s just the perspective of a 20-21 year old. YOu have so many years ahead of you.</p>
<p>Whoa! I agree that the OP’s parents made mistakes, but to say that they “betrayed [him] big-time” is a) unfair and b) not helpful. I’m sure that they thought they were doing the right thing. All that you are doing with this extravagant rhetoric is feeding his bitterness and self-pity.</p>
<p>One of the hardest things to do in this life is to stop the coulda, shoulda, woulda thinking about the past and move on. The only thing that I can suggest is that the OP sit down and make a list of potentially reachable aspirations, chart a path toward one or more of those aspirations and then go for it!</p>
<p>Betrayed!?! Are you kidding me? The OP’s parents are apparently paying for his/her college education at their State Flagship. Do you have any idea how many kids would kill for that chance?</p>
<p>To the OP, your college experience hasn’t been exactly what you wanted; here’s a surprise, it never is! Frankly your expectations sound like something out of a Hollywood movie and not something based in any particular example of reality. You are deluding yourself if you think things would have been perfect if only you were strolling the campus at Brown, or Swathmore, or wherever. I don’t know what college you’re going to, but I’m sure there are plenty of students who are having the times of their lives and wringing every last experience out of the opportunities.</p>
<p>You started out freshman year with a 3.5, when things weren’t quite what you wanted you quit working and are now barely producing “C”'s. You went to some club meetings and because everyone else seemed to know everyone you stopped going. Now you’re in an upper level class watching others do the work and speak-up. You’ve quit. Now you come here with an overwrought opening post that practically screams with your sense of entitlement.</p>
<p>When faced with life’s challenges there is a simple choice, either step up or step aside. You’ve been choosing the latter for far too long; it’s time to grow and to step up. I suggest aggressively seeking out some of your professors and making the best of the time you have left. No one will or should give you the experiences you want out of life. You have to go get them.</p>
<p>You can argue over the word “betrayed,” but the parents did a major disservice to this young girl. If they had been honest with her from the beginning, she would have known what the limitations were, so she could have sought out other reasonable and affordable choices.</p>
<p>The fact that her parents unnecessarily withheld needed info is a form of dishonesty and therefore betrayal. It’s irrelevant that her parents are paying for her state college costs. She may have been able to go to a better school with merit money that would’ve required LESS PARENT MONEY if she had been told that her parents weren’t going to pay more than whatever the state school cost.</p>
<p>I think mom2collegekids meant that the parents sort of screwed their kid over by not having the “here’s what we are/aren’t willing to contribute to your educational expenses; here’s what we expect you to contribute” talk until after she/he had already applied and been accepted to the schools she/he applied to. Are a parents finances private? Sure, they probably are, but parents can at least tell their kids “We can’t/won’t help you pay for Harvard” or “We just don’t have enough money to help you cover anything other than the local state university.”</p>
<p>Anyone who has been on this list should know that the best thing to do is have an early discussion with their college bound children about financial constraints. But leaving aside the point that we don’t know the details of her parents’ situation how does it help the OP to tell her that she was “betrayed” and that her parents “screwed their kid over?”</p>
<p>Sometimes it helps to have your feelings acknowledged and that fact that you were wronged acknowledged. Can you imagine if your spouse cheated on you, yet no one acknowledged that you had been wronged? It only adds to a person’s pain to feel that no one acknowledges that you’ve been wronged. It can help a person to “move on” if they feel that at least some people acknowledge that they’ve been wronged.</p>
<p>As for the family finances…there is nothing that these parents told this child in the spring that couldn’t have been told in the fall…NOTHING. They aren’t required to provide investment reports, savings reports, income reports, etc…but nothing prevented them from saying, “This is how much we will contribute. Anything else will have to come from you or your schools.”</p>
<p>Yes, you are disappointed. But you (and only you) can shift into gear and change the circumstance going forward. It sounds like you have fallen into a kind of “learned helplessness” about the circumstances and a chronic depression that is locking you into a passive stance that will now become your “near enemy” unless you take it on. I agree that getting some supportive/career counseling which should be available to you for free through the school is a good place to start. Regrets and blame may be real feelings you have but they are not of any use in the present moment unless you re-direct the energy into charting your own course, really your own course, going forward. There is whole universe of great learning opportunities out there but they will not come to your door, you have to go and seek your fortune/future.</p>
<p>“As for the family finances…there is nothing that these parents told this child in the spring that couldn’t have been told in the fall…NOTHING.”</p>
<p>Really? Do you know for sure that nothing happened between the fall and spring to change the family’s financial situation? I don’t.</p>
<p>“As for the family finances…there is nothing that these parents told this child in the spring that couldn’t have been told in the fall…NOTHING.”</p>
<p>Really? Do you know for sure that nothing happened between the fall and spring to change the family’s financial situation? I don’t.</p>
<p>I highly doubt the problem was an economic downturn. If that were true, the OP would not have the feelings that she does, because her parents would have said something like, “We’re sorry, but our investments took a major hit, so we can no longer afford pricey private.” Then the OP wouldn’t be feeling as she does.</p>
<p>As Judge Judy says…“if something doesn’t make sense, then it’s not true.” It doesn’t sound logical that the parents would have had an economic downturn and not mention that when they told their child that pricey U wasn’t affordable. It would even be more cruel NOT to mention that turn of events.</p>
<p>“We are all manufacturers: making good, making trouble, or making excuses.” – H. V. Adolt</p>
<p>OP, while I understand your disappointment at not being able to attend your college of choice, it is most definitely time to stop looking back at what might have been. Make the most of your educational opportunities NOW. Take charge of your life, look forward, and live it to the fullest. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and playing the victim. I’m sure it wasn’t the first time you’ve been disappointed, and it certainly won’t be the last (I mean this kindly). Show everyone that you’re made of tough stuff. You can do it. Hang in there!!</p>
<p>It’s funny how many people would trade for this “disappointment.” But I do understand that there is real disappointment here for this individual.</p>
<p>That said, suck it up, get to work and make yourself a good future. You’ll find that you won’t have much time to lament when you are busy and hopeful, and that is strictly, entirely on you. Those of us who never even had the disappointment of being able to attend our state flagships did it. So can you.</p>
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