<p>That must have been a ton of drama, duck.</p>
<p>Good on you for surviving it!</p>
<p>Although, not a freshman, my D is a first year grad student, and she's finding the adjustment more difficult than expected. For the first time, she is managing every aspect of her life, living off a small stipend, starting in a new school, new city, making new friends, 3000 miles from home. It's a bit overwhelming. </p>
<p>The social aspect seems to be going well. The new students in her department and the other grad students where she lives have been very friendly, and she seems to be doing something with someone a lot of the time. She really likes the other students, and feels a part of two social groups with which she alternates going to dinner and events. </p>
<p>Her issues are about the department itself. Her classes, while good, are undergraduate courses, which is not what she was expecting. There are no graduate seminars offered in her department this semester, and apparently, they rarely offer them, which came as a total surprise. The system/program is run differently (and less well, in her opinion) than her undergrad college in several respects, so I think this is just a matter of adjusting expectations rather than a deal breaker for her. Unfortunately, the older students in her program seem to have many complaints that I think are adding to her doubts. I've encouraged her not to take other's opinions and complaints too seriously, as she has just begun. Just because something doesn't work for them, doesn't mean it won't work for her, and not to be discouraged. It's far too early to judge how things will play out.</p>
<p>I imagine I'm hearing mostly the negative, as that's a parent's lot. It's hard for her dad and I to know what to say, as we know it's her life and she needs to make her own decisions. I do hope she has a more positive outlook at school than she presents to us in her communications. At one point, I did tell her that she can always leave and do something else. She can come home and get a job, but she didn't take me up on that suggestion... ;), so I think she mostly needs to vent while she's getting her feet on the ground.</p>
<p>A word of encouragement for those whose kids are not sure they are in the perfect place and are not living the dream. I recall threads like this 5 or 6 years ago when my D ended up at her financial safety. This was a combo of her not being willing to listen to her parents and me now being nearly the CC expert I am now, so not making her add some more reality schools.</p>
<p>It was very difficult to read about so many kids who are doing so well and are so thrilled with life and wonder where you & your kid went wrong. If you are in this situation, keep in mind, many of the positive wonderful situations are "Christmas Letter" wonderful, not that great things don't happen, but people selectively edit- including some college kids. If your kid uses you to dump on, their life may be better than some of the kids with great stories, they may just need to dump all the negatives onto you and then go back to wonderful life ;)</p>
<p>One of my Ds had a letter prefect wonderful freshman year in many ways, but was miserable with a bad roomie situation and used me to vent. I could ahve been panicked about it, but realised I was her safety valve. I took in the complaints, and gave back the possible future options.</p>
<p>You kid may not be having the perfect dream, but it may still be good, it may get better, or it may need changing. Remember, when you feel all alone with the only kid not having a perfect experience, the other kids are having their good & bad days, too. </p>
<p>Some kids, on the other hand, are not just venting about the negatives, they are dwelling in them, getting depressed. Others are really in a place which requires some change. It is not YOUR decision to make, it is your student's decision. You need to be the best sounding board you can and reflect to them pros & cons of everything, so they can make the best possible choice. If they have gone past the date of withdrawel with a refund, then they are there for the term and need to make the best possible effort in everything so that they are presenting a positive profile if they want to transfer.</p>
<p>So, chin up, try not to cry when the miserable calls come and know your kid is not the only one!</p>
<p>He's cruising. Some samples.</p>
<p>Q. How is (fill in any subject you can think of) going:
A. Good!</p>
<p>Q. How do you like NMT?
A. Great! It's like high school without the cr*p!</p>
<p>Q. Do you do anything outside of class?
A. Not really. I play capture the flag on the golf course every Wednesday night, fencing on Tuesday and Thursday, poker is Thursday after fencing, the LAN gaming club meets on Saturdays, there are programming competitions sometimes on Saturdays, but that's all.</p>
<p>Q. How's calculus and computer science?
A. Dad. Are you kidding?</p>
<p>Q. How's writing?
A. Good! I'm working on a paper tracing the changing roll of women through three versions of the movie "King Kong." (really)</p>
<p>Q. Have you met anyone from Washington?
A. Yeah, there's this girl from Woodinville in my electrical engineering class. We went to dinner at Denny's last night. (!!!)</p>
<p>Q. How's New Mexico?
A. It's good. I'm glad I went out of state, and I'm glad it's a small college. I'm sure I'm liking this better than UW.</p>
<p>Anyway, he sounds like Mr. Cool, but on Sundays he's pretty willing to spend more time talking than he did when he lived here. It's really quiet on campus on Sundays.</p>
<p>I'm glad to hear of so many good stories; I'm hoping those whose kids aren't adjusting well hang in there and give it more time.</p>
<p>Although my D thought she'd have no trouble at her Gigundo State U., she did have some trouble finding her niche. She did not join any clubs or intramural sports, so at first, she felt like she had way too much time on her hands. Then she got the lifeguarding job she wanted (although the hours they give freshmen are probably the worst-she's got all early mornings.) She was rejected from the student newspaper staff. She rebounded by joining the staff of a start-up student magazine that looks very promising. She seems excited to be a part of something and help build it from the ground up.</p>
<p>She also decided to do sorority rush and just received her bid tonight (out of 20 sororities, she received a bid from my own <strong><em>proud Mom blushes</em></strong>;)!!!)</p>
<p>Getting around is somewhat of a problem. She selected the freshman quad, which is pretty much a 20 minute walk from just about everything except her job. They do have bus service, but she's found if the weather is good it's much better to walk to where she needs to go because the buses run so sporadically. This was a real problem for her when she hurt her foot found it nearly impossible to get to to classes. She says it takes her so long just getting around it feels like such a waste of her time. But this was something I warned her about so I did hear any complaints until DH and I visited her for Parents' Weekend this past weekend.</p>
<p>I haven't really heard any complaints about large class sizes yet, but I do know she's got one class (Astronomy) that she has yet to get to see the prof. during office hours. Getting to her labs (at night) is also somewhat of a chore since she doesn't want to walk around by herself at night. Unfortunately, this is the class she feels she needs to most help with, but she does have several good buddies in the same class.</p>
<p>Other than that, she looked great this past weekend, she's gained some weight (she needed it) and seems to have adjusted quite nicely. She does want to come home for a weekend soon. I'm not sure she will, though, because she now she's too busy.</p>
<p>The word we are getting is 'things seem to be going well'. Will know more after Parent's Day, when I can look him in the eye.</p>
<p>OCD Post: That would be "role of women" not "roll of women" up there in post 44. Sheesh.</p>
<p>My son came home for the weekend to visit, and I think just maybe that wasn't a great idea, since just after we'd all settled down (sort of) to the routine and not feeling homesick/lost without our only child, the leaving part was pretty awful, and the aftermath worse. Memo to self: watch what you wish for.</p>
<p>S goes from great to overwhelmed, and it's a neat back and forth pattern. For him, EVERYTHING is a new learning experience, so that is a little tough. But he's coping and probably the best thing for him was joining a club, and he's met friends that he likes and, more importantly, like him. For being as shy as he is, this is a good thing. Still working on the social issues, and the academics he knew would be a bit of a challenge (Cal -- need I say more?!), but he's SURVIVING, yea! And doing his own laundry and managing his own schedule. So all in all, from a learning to be independent and responsible standpoint, I think we have success!</p>
<p>Couch-loving son has turned into social butterfly. Who'd a thunk? :)</p>
<p>WashDad, I think some of the women in that film do roll though! ;)</p>
<p>Congrats to all the parents of kids who are loving college, managing college and getting it done. To those parents (who may be not saying anything in this thread) with kids who are unhappy, goofing up or not communicating, my condolences. Freshman year for S was a wonder. Sophomore year was the pit of hell. This year's theme seems to be "The Son Also Rises." (from the ashes that is). It's a long road and they sure do change a lot, some more than others. Best to buckle in.</p>
<p>anxiousmom -- same here; somehow Rice has also turned my laptop-loving son into a social butterfly too! Gotta love the residential college system and how it promotes social interaction!</p>
<p>Yeah, doesn't Kong roll the blondes in his palm?</p>
<p>All these sons coming out of their shells. Wondrous. Maybe we make a mistake living in these separated houses. If, in high school, they had lovely girls and boys walking by their front doors and under their windows at all hours, laughing merrily, they might all wake up a bit sooner. Here's to changing patterns and new discoveries!</p>
<p>She got into a great college, it was a dream come true, amazing financial aid... and then she HATED it. Not that particular college; just college itself.</p>
<p>She began to wrestle with the entire worth of higher education, and with what the university's tradition represented. She couldn't relate to dorm life, and only managed to stay out the year because she got herself into a coop where she could cook food with/for a bunch of like-minded students. </p>
<p>She started saying in November that she wanted to leave, but she stuck it out til June and has now taken a leave of absence. Watching her set aside about $40,000 worth of scholarship money (per year, not total!) has been agonizing. I have no idea if she'll go back, although we're close and she knows I urgently hope that she will. But maybe not right away.</p>
<p>What can you do? It was never the standard stuff that bothered her. She did ok in her classes, made good friends, won a campus-wide poetry contest. She just battled internally with the economics and the class system, with how much the cafeteria workers were paid and with how much the college is perpetuating elitism. She occasionally neglected homework to finish a novel, and she says if she can get it published, she doesn't know if she'll go back to college.</p>
<p>It keeps me up nights. She's so young she doesn't fully recognize the enormity of a nearly free ride at an ivy league school. But I had one solid year of miserable calls from her and now she's so vibrantly happy, on a cross-country bike trip. What does one do?</p>
<p>what about cooking school? seems to be a passion maybe, hard hard work, but it might be something to consider</p>
<p>My son LOVES his college. Hope it lasts, but I'm happy for now!</p>
<p>iris24
I can imagine this happening with my son too..when they think a lot, you don't know where it will go..but do you wish they thought less?</p>
<p>hi, city girl's mom --</p>
<p>I appreciate your thoughtfulness. The passion for my D is writing. Always has been. I doubt she'll make her living any other way for any length of time, regardless of what college degree she does or doesn't end up with.</p>
<p>And bethievt --</p>
<p>Exactly! No, I couldn't ever wish she thought less. Her awareness makes her who she is. It's so hard to come to grips with a fierce but inexperienced philosopher! And I'm so glad for you that your son loves his school. It feels so good when that works out. My 28-yr-old, with a Bachelor of Music degree, is now working 12 hour days as an assistant winemaker, getting the harvest in, covered with sticky grape juice and earwigs, and happy as can be.</p>
<p>a BIG thing here in SF is restaurant review blogs, that would be my fantasy hobby, or at least one of them</p>
<p>Hopefully she is keeping a journal of her trip!!!</p>
<p>
[quote]
...when they think a lot, you don't know where it will go..but do you wish they thought less?
[/quote]
</p>
<p>sometimes...it would sure make our lives (and theirs) easier..</p>
<p>"It keeps me up nights. She's so young she doesn't fully recognize the enormity of a nearly free ride at an ivy league school. But I had one solid year of miserable calls from her and now she's so vibrantly happy, on a cross-country bike trip. What does one do?"</p>
<p>If she was good enough to get into an Ivy, my guess is that she'll eventually return to college -- either the college she left or an equivalent one. That's what virtually all of the students whom I know did who took time off from Harvard.</p>
<p>And, if she got a virtually free ride at an Ivy, that means she got need-based aid, so if she returns to that Ivy or a similar school, unless her income or yours has dramatically increased, she'll still get good financial aid.</p>