<p>Its hard enough trying to figure out a major/degree on my own, but everytime I think I want to do something my mom always talks me out of it. I have gone through so many options in completely different areas and every single one my mom talks me out of it. She tells me, "well that requires a lot of schooling", or "well that requires science and math and you aren't very good at either". I have been graduated for over a year, and I haven't gone to college yet because I still don't know what I want to do.</p>
<p>Recently I have been wondering about graphic design, and when I told my mom she said, "oh well you probably need to be artistic for that", which really kind of hurt my feelings. I always thought I was artistic. I love drawing and painting, and I know I'm not the best but I thought I was ok. </p>
<p>I know in the end, its my life and I get to decide. I just would like her support. I know she just wants whats best for me.</p>
<p>Most kids go to college without knowing what they want to major in. They apply as “undecided.” They select a college/university that has a broad spectrum of majors in areas in which they might be interested, and take a year or so to figure out what they want to do and what they might be good at doing. In most liberal arts schools (as opposed to schools of engineering, for example), students don’t declare a major until the end of their sophomore year.</p>
<p>IMO, you’re going about things backwards. Go to college, and then, while you’re there, figure out what you want to do, what you’re good at, and what it will take to get you where you want to go.</p>
<p>Yes, your mother is negative and that hurts. But you can’t change your mother. Go somewhere where there are people who can help you determine your aptitudes and support you. Then you can say to your mother, “No, this path doesn’t require a lot of math and science,” or “I already took all the math I’ll need and did well” or “My professors believe that I am artistic enough.” Right now, you’re just guessing.</p>
<p>Chedva is right about one huge thing! You can’t change your mother! She surely wants the best for you but has a negative outlook. Hard to overcome but you have to.</p>
<p>Take a poll of what you like and what talents you have. What do you LIKE to do?
What were your best classes? Put it on paper–literally. Write it down and make a plan.
Get some college catalogs (or look up on-line) and find classes that may interest you. Write it down on paper. You need a plan. You can change the plan but put it down in black and white so it’s real.
Do the old interview technique–where do you see yourself 5 years from now? Sitting on mom’s couch? in school? working for someone? working for yourself? How much money do you need to be happy? Check out the salaries of career choices.</p>
<p>Enroll in CC or state and take a mix of classes. Sometimes what you think you’d love doesn’t mesh with your skills and real life. Get a job and work in the area you think you’d like to be involved in. </p>
<p>Put ALL your plans on paper–it clarifies all the muddled thinking. and it’s amazing how a well laid out plan can change a parent’s thinking.</p>
<p>Parents are important, but your life is /YOUR LIFE/. She doesn’t know you as well as you know yourself. So, listen to her advice and concerns, but make your /own/ decision based on what you feel is right for yourself.</p>
<p>I see so many people come into college majoring in pre-med, business, or pre-law because that’s what their parents want them to do (or the students’ values are identical to their parents’ concerns)… and then many of them end up changing major.</p>
<p>Go to college and take a wide variety of courses that interest you.</p>
<p>At college, make use of the career advising office—they can give you tests that might give you ideas of careers that you have a good chance of being successful in. Make use of academic advisors, too…they can help you go toward your areas of academic strength while accommodating your interests. Get as many internships as you can so you can make decisions about your future…what you like to do, what you are good at, what you don’t like so much…learn about yourself.</p>
<p>That way, when your mom goes all negative on you…you can say that you and your experienced advisor have considered your interests and your positive abilities and that you are confident going in the direction you have chosen.</p>
<p>Ask your mom what she sees for you in the future? At what endeavors can she see you being successful? Certainly consider her ideas…sometimes parents have a good idea of their children’s capabilities and sometimes they don’t, but respectful consideration is always a good thing.</p>
<p>But adults (and you are an emerging adult) make their own decision…they consider everything, but they reach their own decision.</p>
<p>Or, you could do what my daughter did and major in something that is a complete mystery to me, so there is no way for me to pick it apart or criticize. Her major? Applied math.</p>
<p>Parents usually mean well, and perhaps their motives in situations like you describe are to make sure you don’t ever feel hurt if you don’t succeed. I think that is where the negativity comes from. When I was 5 (yes, just 5), my mother told me I could not sing well. Fpr the rest of my life I have been reluctant to sing out loud! She was also really hesitant when I wanted to play piano at age 8, partly because no one in her family had been “musical”. I stuck with piano for quite a while and did OK and enjoyed it. I am really glad she relented and let me learn to play. Even though I am not a great pianist and certainly found it challenging (I was not horrible either and got fairly advanced), I am so glad I had music in my life and have some appreciation of what it takes to play and create. I think that is the way to think of your mother’s negativity. As a well-intentioned means of making sure you are not hurt by not succeeding. But it certainly doesn’t mean you can’t do it or don’t have it in you!! It is an overreaction.</p>
<p>So follow your dreams. There are new careers out there that didn’t even exist when your mom was your age. I am sure she has a lot of wisdom, but I think you partly need to be brave and follow your passion and dreams regardless.</p>
<p>What have you been doing for the past year? </p>
<p>
My mother told me I couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket. (True.) I had to lip sink my way through high school chorus class (getting B’s for being convincing in a quiet way). I used to sing to my kids until at some point I would start to sing in the car and they would pipe up from the back and say “don’t sing mom”. </p>
<p>I don’t sing in church or otherwise in public. Probably for the best :).</p>
<p>Parents typically know very little about most majors and occupations. Why would they? Most of us only have expertise in a very tiny area, we have no actual information about most majors and most occupations, and of the ones we think we know of, we are usually on the outside looking in, making stuff up and using a lot of stereotypes. Likewise, we may not be the best judge of our children’s true passions and abilities. </p>
<p>Given your mom is so repeatedly negative, stop telling her about your plans or if you must, stop listening to her ‘advice’. Who knows her motivation…it doesn’t really matter. See if you can gain some professional career counselling where you live. Alternatively, you might want to enroll as an undeclared major in something that starts off broad (e.g. a college where you can take science, arts, etc). Then experience courses and as importantly, start meeting with professors and advisors, to learn about the possible majors and career paths available to you in the courses you enjoy and excel at. Even students that think they know what they want to major in, very often change their minds because it is so hard to know prior to this experience.</p>
<p>As an aside, in reading your post, I was suddenly remembering in detail all the advice I received as a student. Gosh it was terrible! I can not believe how clueless some ‘advice givers’ were! Yet they spoke with such authority and were trying to be oh so helpful but I now see it was entirely through their very limited perspective. I’m so very very glad i did not listen to them or I would not have found this fantastic and suitable career for myself.</p>
<p>Speaking of singing, I practiced and practiced for over a year to get into the elementary school choir. Finally passed the audition…and they fired the choir teacher for incompetence after my first performance.</p>
<p>Back on topic: OP, how are you responding when your mother makes these comments?</p>
<p>Stradmom, too funny. It reminds me of my MIL. She attended a school in which everyone HAD to participate in choir. They asked her to take care of the choir robes…</p>
<p>Now, back to your regularly scheduled thread.</p>
<p>The next time your mom tries to undermine you, turn the tables on her and ask her what she thinks you ought to do, instead of telling you what you ought not to do. </p>
<p>Some of your mother’s reaction may be fear-based. It’s hard to know what to tell our kids these days, because the job market is poor and the world is changing. It’s easier to be negative than it is to be positive sometimes. However, shooting down your every idea is just as counterproductive as insisting that you must be a doctor or an engineer or you will be homeless and eating out of garbage cans.</p>
<p>As Starbright says, though, parents are ignorant of fields outside their own area. The world changes rapidly and what worked for us may not work for our kids.</p>
<p>Two books that might be of help to you are the classic “What Color Is Your Parachute” (Boiles) and “Smart Moves for Liberal Arts Grads” (Curran and Greenwald). These books give you a sense of the broad possibilities out there.</p>
<p>Singing - When little, my kids would put their hand to my mouth and say, “that’s not the right tune, mommy”. One of them still managed to become an accomplished musician, despite my early off tune singing ;)</p>
<p>By the time my kids got through with me, they could have majored in anything as long as they just got out of the danged college with a degree. I never had the luxury of dictating any major to my kids, I just prayed they got through each semester.</p>